Wheeling Gull Isle better place

At first, he was angry at God.

Then he was angry at @Heda and @Dinah.

Without the fermented fruit or the company of anyone aside from precious, precious @Judah, there was nothing to distract Caracal from the terrible pain that caused all this in the first place, when he’d lost some of his children. Now he’d lost everything.

Every moment was anguish, his wife's and daughter’s words continuing to haunt him until his wretched brain internalized and editorialized them.

“Both of you failed our daughter!”

“Fuck you.”

“You failed our daughter!”

“Fuck you.”

“You failed.”

“Fuck you.”

He thought he’d been a good husband and father… but after days of isolation and torment, Caracal doubted. He was unfit for either title.

He deserved Judah least of all, he thought as he gazed down at his fitfully sleeping son. When he woke, Caracal would try to talk him into reuniting with Heda and his siblings.

Then he would go away.

When he awakes, a ghost stands over him. He jumps before his eyes can refocus on his father.

“Dad, what’s wrong?”

Judah stirred, then started and looked up at his dad. Caracal erratically wondered if his screaming thoughts had disturbed his son’s sleep.

Wracked with guilt, he crouched beside Judah and reached out to touch his son’s cheek. It was difficult but Caracal made himself look the boy in the eye. He swallowed.

Me, he whispered.

Tears pricked his eyes. He tilted his head upward and blinked, trying to stop them. But they came anyway, hot and hard.

I think you should be with them, Ju, he said in a shaking voice, thinking of how much his son must miss them, particularly his twin brother. They are your family. I know you don’t want to leave the island…

As soon as his father begins to cry, Judah does too.

“No, we’re working on it. Together, we’ll get you better,” he whispers, wide eyes gleaming desperately. Something is different in his daddy today and it frightens him.

“I’m not going anywhere, remember? You’re my family.”

For some reason, he hadn’t expected Judah to cry. He’d been so stoic before. But the sight of his tears destroyed Caracal. Combined with his words, the man suddenly found himself on the verge of a total emotional meltdown. With a sob, he reached out and wrapped his forelegs around his son’s neck.

I don’t deserve that, he wept into Judah’s ruff, directly contrasting his previous inner monologue. I don’t deserve you.

He clung to his son, crying and shaking, then took a moment to gather himself. Caracal pulled back only slightly, legs still slung around slim gray shoulders.

And you don’t deserve this, he whispered. I love you so much for it, Ju, but you’re too young to carry this burden. I want you to be with your mom, your brothers and sisters. I know you don’t want to leave this place, that it might scare you, but Ju…

“No,” his head shakes.

“What scares me is what you’re saying now. How can you think that, Dad? You made a mistake, but you have to forgive yourself. God will forgive you. Please!” He gasps and looks into his father’s eyes. He has to see!

“You’re good. I know you are.”

His son’s abject refusal at once dismayed and moved him.

I’m sorry, he whispered wretchedly, I don’t want to scare you, Ju. But I fucked up… I fucked up so badly our entire family left.

And even though Judah believed in him, it just couldn’t patch the cracks the others had left, the cracks that deepened and lengthened until his psyche and his soul crumbled and fell apart.

I fucked up and it can never be fixed, Caracal suddenly moaned, slipping his forelegs away from Judah’s neck as he curled into a ball on the ground. The next words came out on a wail, I fucked it up beyond all repair!

For a moment, he’s quiet.

“THEN GO!” His scream is for the entire island and even then it is not loud enough.

“I’m not leaving. Mom’s coming back HERE to get me. So if you’re beyond repair then JUST GO!” His tears burn his cheeks. He pushes his father’s paw off his neck and backs up from him. For the first time in his life, his teeth are bared.

Into the quiet, he continued bawling, I can’t be here anym—

Judah’s scream startled the weeping Caracal into silent stillness, as did the way the boy angrily pulled away now. If he hadn’t been right before, he was woefully right now, as he lost the last thing that mattered.

He started to reach out to his son, then froze and shrank into himself. Somehow, Caracal found his feet. He would do what Judah said but he couldn’t leave his son here by himself.

“Mom’s coming back here to get me.”

The shell of Caracal bowed his head, tucked his tail and slunk toward the edge of the island.

Judah runs from his father and doesn’t look back.

In his anger he heads for the hideout and considers ripping it to shreds.

What did it matter, anyway? What did anything matter?