Noctisardor Bypass He's the one give his life to protect you

Crushing. Soul rendering. Heartbreaking. All the ways Etienne felt.

He left Anselm walking away. Further and further into the pack lands avoiding everyone if he could.

Each paw step a drum against his skull. Pressure and pain. An embittering sense of loss, circled and frothed. Rearing up to force him to gag in the bushes.

He followed the river. Paws slapping into the cooling mud. The rushes and reeds pressed against the edges. A cave, a dark hole, something that he could crawl in. Either one would suffice.

Druid crouched over the water, perfectly still and breathing shallowly. She could see catfish feeding a little ways beyond the shore. She willed one of them closer. She knew she would have to dive to catch it, though she didn’t mind the thought of getting wet. It would feel nice on this muggy May midday.

She thought she heard raised voices in the distance. Were they angry? That was odd. She refused to move, though she strained to hear. Druid couldn’t pick up anything in particular and soon silence fell, though the tension broke a few minutes later as she sat up with a sigh. The catfish had moved out of sight and she was getting a crick in her neck.

She brought up a paw to rub at it, then glanced at the water before deciding to pursue a meal elsewhere. Druid steppped back from the bank—swollen from recent spring rains—and chose a direction at random, loping alongside the water. Maybe she would find another fishing spot, though she hoped she might come across something she could snatch a bit quicker.

She heard a wet thud ahead and hastened her step a little, coming across an agitated Etienne. Druid’s eyes flew wide. He was back! She was glad to see him, though something was clearly amiss. Her expression quickly shifted into one of mild alarm.

Etienne, what’s the matter? Druid asked.

Etienne didn't notice the sights of the wood. He didn't see the cute little fish. Or the pretty waterfall and he difinitely didn't see Druid. As he tried to gain a semblance of control on his emotions.

He turned furiously thinking it was Anselm following him, but he stopped short when he saw the painted face of Druid. He froze and felt as if everything was collapsing around him. He took a deep shuddering breath and another. Shook his head.

It is not'ing. Anselm and I 'ad words. It will end soon enuff.

But would it? It felt wrong to brush it under the rug. To refuse to acknowledge the hurt on both ends. But how could he tell Druid. He felt unloved here. When it had been hard enough to tell Abselm and he was the closest to him in this place.

He turned toward her so fiercely, Druid took half a step back. Etienne was breathing hard and there was an unnameable emotion flashing in his eyes. Then the fight seemed to go out of him as he shook his head and dismissed her question.

It’s clearly not nothing, she replied in a measured voice. Talk to me, Etienne, she implored, taking two steps closer now. What did you argue about?

That explained the voices. Druid had a difficult time picturing Etienne shouting at anybody, though she could see that he was in a real state. Out of the two of them, Anselm seemed much more prone to angry outbursts. She liked him well enough, though there was something combative about him.

That suddenly reminded her of his defensive, “Vhat do you mean by that?” But Druid put a pin in that memory, focusing wholly on the Oak.

Etienne felt such a bone deep shame at his reaction. Especially when he saw Druid step back. He would never hurt her, anyone really unless it was to help someone on need.

Etienne cringed. He didn't want to talk about this. As it would lay bare a lot of secrets. Or at least in part. He didn't want Druid to feel as if she had done something wrong. When she hadn't, not really. She didn't have to care about him.

He frowned. You mustn't feel guilty Druid. It isn't your fault not really. But I don't feel cared about 'ere. I feel as if I do a job and am needed but no more than that. I am 'ere purely to keep everyone alive. At least until Fiona came. But 'er is better dan me in a lot of ways so dat doesn't surprise me.  And I took dis feeling out on Anselm when 'e asked me w'ere i been.

His first several words confused her. What did their argument have to do with her? Druid’s lips parted slightly but she did not interrupt him, listening to everything he said with ever-increasing dismay.

Druid had tried to show her appreciation and care, particularly the day after he’d kept Goldfinch safe. She’d told him she wanted to honor him and his place of origin. But that was only one instance where she’d really reached out to him, she knew.

It may not be my fault but it’s my responsibility to make sure my pack mates are cared for and happy, Druid pointed out, and I’m sorry I’ve fallen short. I won’t make excuses but I will do better.

Was it too late? Her worried eyes tracked back and forth across his face. He looked deeply unhappy. She still wondered what exactly had been said between the two men, why it had come to verbal blows. At least she knew why Etienne had needed to get away.

You are an important member of this pack, she told him, just like she’d told Anselm once. We don’t only value you for what you can do for us and I’m sorry we haven’t done a good job of showing you that, Etienne.

Etienne saw the way her browscwere drawn and the surprise in her maw. But he knew he would make sense as he continued.

Etienne had mistakingly it seemed thought that Druid had only been asking him of homw out od duty. Not care.

He flinched as she spoke. Feeling worse than he had. He didn't like to cause strife or issues. And he certainly hadn't wanted to upset her.

His throat felt choked up. And he knew hia feelings were about to spill over in a rush if salt and water if he wasn't careful. And auch deep deep shame. He ahould have askwd. Should have spoken up instead of letting hia own thoughts fester and infect.

He nodded. Well i be knowin now. hia voice a little raw.

Still so sad about Heda and Anselm. Anselm who hadn't denied him and Heda were a thing. And wretchedly Etienne wanted to hate her more. But it wasn't her fault Anselm had chosen her and not him.

And besides Anselm had made it clear what he thought about gay men and women. Something cold and hard slipped into Etienne's chest when he realized what if Druid and Heda felt the same way. Surely then they would hate him when they found out that secret.

I’m just sorry I didn’t make it clear before, she said regretfully, before it got so bad that you and Anselm argued… and before you felt you had to get away from here in the first place. We’ve really failed you, haven’t we?

She frowned deeply. Druid had been so caught up in her own troubles, she really hadn’t paid attention to anyone else’s, save perhaps for Heda and the children. Did Anselm also feel this way? What about Fiona? And the rest?

I feel like I haven’t done a very good job keeping this pack united. I want to change that, starting with an upcoming meeting, Druid said, wondering if it was too little, too late, at least in his case. We’ll be moving the kids to the rendezvous site. I’d like to mark it as a celebration.

Not only would that allow the pups to integrate into pack life, it would give the whole pack an opportunity to blend together more. And now that the Butternuts were growing more independent, it would free up some of Druid’s bandwidth to dedicate to herself and the other adults in Rivenwood.

I really do care about you, Etienne, Druid said, shifting closer and looping a foreleg around his. Will you tell me about this fight with Anselm? Are you two going to be okay? I know you’re very close, almost like brothers, aren’t you?

Etienne held up a paw. Anselm an' I argued because of issues wit' 'im and I. Dat 'as not'ing to do wit' you.

Etienne shifted and frowned. His chest still painful. Feeling shattered amd weak. He wasn't sure what to say or how to say it. But he would try.

'ow can you fail if you didn't know. I was mmm Moun Fou l, umm foolis', i s'ould 'ave spoken up.


He nodded. I will 'elp wit' wut I can. Little ones be 'appy in renedesvous. At least de ones at 'ome were.

Etienne felt himself crumble further at her touch. When was the last time anyone had touched him with kindness. A soft whoose left his mouth, but he didn't move. A tenuous thread pulled to tight if pulled the snap would be heard for miles. Or so it felt.

Etienne half chuckled, half sobbed. We are not like brot'ers. 'Alf de time I barely tink 'e can tolerate me. I care about 'im. And it deems 'e cares a little. Dat was de fite. I felt uncared for amd in true Anselm fashion 'e took it personally. But I was cruel in my words. I 'ad forgotten all 'e 'as done for me.

Druid took his words to mean it was none of her business. She understood. She respected this boundary and stayed quiet, only nodding. But then he eventually revealed a few more details about the nature of their relationship. She still said nothing, weighing Etienne’s words.

Her main takeaway was that Etienne felt unloved, including by someone he held very dear. Druid’s heart broke for him. She wanted to hug him, though she wasn’t sure how it would be received. Instead, she tugged herself a little closer to him, her leg still looped around his.

I always just assumed you two were the best of friends. What makes you think you only tolerates you? My recall over the last few months is pretty poor but didn’t he come here to stick with you? Didn’t he stand up to Glaukos because of you? And just now he argued with you when you accused him of not caring, which seems to say he cares, after all.

She paused, lips pursing thoughtfully. With her free foreleg, she reached across herself to tap Etienne on the shoulder. She craned her head so she could catch his eye, holding his gaze as she spoke the next several words.

I think maybe he and I have something in common aside from our deadbeat dad: maybe we’re bad at showing you how much you mean to us. Maybe we’ve taken you for granted. But that stops today, okay? Well, I can only speak for myself. But I’d be happy to go pick a fight with anyone who mistreats you, Anselm or otherwise, Druid quipped with a wry smile.

Etienne didn't think that it was none of her business as much as. She needn't worry about it. Druid had a lot on her plate and he and she. Well they were okay now at least at this moment. Only time would tell.

Etienne didn't even really need to be loved. But it was nice to know he was valued for more than what he could do for others.

Etienne frowned. I am unsure if Anselm 'olds anyway close. 'E 'as been 'urt bad and it 'isn't 'andled it well. 'E put up big walls.

A watery chuckle left his maw. Yes it is easy to see dat now. But in dey 'eat of tings i couldn't see it. And we are terrible at telling eac' otter 'ow we feel.

He chuckled harder now. No need to Goumen, umm fight.

She drew in a long breath when Etienne spoke of Anselm’s walls. She nodded her understanding of that too. Druid thought Mahler was probably to blame, at least in part. She scowled, though only briefly before rearranging her expression back into something warmer.

Sometimes fights happen because both parties actually feel so passionately, Druid thought aloud, then realized what she’d said and amended, not like that, only to pause for several long beats, the look on her face suddenly asking, Unless…?

Druid seemed to understand about Anselm's father. But it wasn't just his father that had left Anselm all alone. It had been his mother, his father, his brother. All just gone one day.

He saw the question on her face and froze. Icy tendrils of fear and wariness tickling along his spine. A giant ball of dread in his guts churning and burning. But why should he be ashamed of himself.

Etienne sighed. Anselm is not gay. 'e actually makes fun of my grandmothers often,who were. And of course 'e is in love wit' someone else.

Etienne shifted and pulled away from her gently anticipating disgust. But, I am.

He blinked and shifted. No one knows dis Druid. Not Anselm, not 'eda. Not even my family dough Suzu probably figured it out.

He looked away pointedly. I can leave if you want me too. I know it is not seen as natural by many.

He read her face like a book and promptly declared that Anselm wasn’t gay. Druid’s mouth formed a moue, which stayed in place through the rest of what the Oak said. She let him finish and didn’t speak right away, though her hold tightened when he tried to move away from her.

Thank you for telling me, she repeated the same words Heda had said to her not so long ago. I won’t tell anyone. And you aren’t going anywhere, she immediately added, unaware that her sister was at this very moment giving Anselm the opposite advice. Just…

She held up a paw to indicate she needed a moment to process everything he’d just said. It was a lot! Druid had so many questions. She wasn’t sure where to start, though she guessed that doubling down on her knee-jerk reaction worked.

It makes no difference to me. I mean, I don’t think of you any differently, Druid clarified. But I have some questions. For starters, who is Anselm in love with? Insert pregnant pause. And are you in love with him?

He was surprised that she tightened her paws around him. He returned hia gaze to her paws wrapped around his sandy fur. Had she been a man. Well that was neither here nor there.

His brows shot up. Surprised at her easy acceptance of him. But she clearly had to think. Evident by the look on her face and the just.

Etienne frowned and spoke his words drawn out as he formed them. Per'aps love is wrong. Um entiché

His mothers french jumped unbidden to his tongue now. As he tried to think of the english word.

what is it when you like someone, but do not love not even crush? Entiche, uh
Beze. Uh in in fat fat. Infatuated. he nodded.

Then he blinked. You don't know?

He was surprised that she did not know of Heda and Amselm. Now he wondered had he spoken too much. Was heda keeping their tryst a secret? Why?

Repons lan se wi anpil

A soft nod. Yes, but I will never tell 'im. 'E be 'orrified mite even murder me.

:

She did her best to follow, though Druid couldn’t be sure who Etienne meant. At first, she thought he was saying he was infatuated with Anselm, though she eventually realized her mistake. Anselm was infatuated with someone. But Etienne didn’t offer a name, only an incredulous question: “You don’t know?”

Druid shook her head, though before she could possibly press the matter, Etienne said something that shocked her into momentary silence. Was Etienne being serious? Did he really think Anselm was capable of such hatred? She believed he might say untoward things about the man’s grandmothers but this implied a whole other level of homophobia…

Are you being hyperbolic or do you really think that’s possible? That Anselm would react like that? Druid probed gently, wide eyes stuck on the Oak’s face.

And then what he’d said really registered. Etienne didn’t just fear a bad reaction from his friend but from the man he loved. Druid’s heart sank.

Etienne didn't know how Druid could be so blind. Heda's children were carbon copies of Anselm. He was in their dear little faces. The way their little legs formed. They were his beyond a doubt. Etienne knew this innately, truly.

Etienne looked away.I do not know if 'e would murder me. But I do tink it would come to blows. Anselm.

Etienne wrinkled his nose.'e be passionate in all things, very emotional but anger is always first. And 'e tinks world 'as to be a certain way. Women and men, babies life.

A wave of sandy gloved paws.

'E would strike first tink later. And even if 'e did not 'urt me Druid. 'E would reject everyting dat I am. So, I will be 'is friend, because it is all I can be.

Then he’s a very different man than I thought he was, Druid said quietly, her brow furrowed.

Striking first and thinking later reminded her of someone. She didn’t mention it aloud, at least not at the moment. Druid suddenly remembered Glaukos insisting Anselm had instigated their fight. Maybe she’d been wrong about that one, though she took cold comfort in knowing she’d still done right ousting him.

But should she toss out Anselm too? No, she decided. It would be preemptive. What if he did lay hands on Etienne? It pained her to look at him now, knowing he was in love with someone who not only couldn’t return that love but would reject him as a whole just for sharing it.

You do know how horrible that is, don’t you? she thought toward him, though it was another thing left unsaid, along with, How can you like him, much less love someone who feels that way about you? Love sometimes made little sense, she knew.

Aloud, Druid only said, Oh, Etienne, you deserve so much more than any of us have given you. Again, I can only speak for myself, but I hope you’ll at least give me an opportunity to make this right.

The Den Mother lapsed into silence, her thoughts roiling like the frothy current not too far away from them. One bobbed back to the surface.

Who is Anselm in love with? she demanded, dryly adding, Please don’t tell me it’s me.

Etienne smiled sadly. Anselm is not a bad man. 'E is an outcome of 'is mudder w'o was a very angry woman and a fadder w'o abandoned him. 'E was not tot.

Anselm had started that fight, but because Etienne had been too weak to fight back.

Etienne didn't like the pity he saw in her painted gaze. Gilded eyes looking at him and stripping him bare. What had been in the water for these two sisters? To look into your soul like this.

Etienne looked her over amd offered a small smile. You already 'ave.

Etienne chuckled sadly and shifted. Take a closer look at 'eda's children Druid.

Druid could only stare at Etienne’s assessment. It wasn’t that she disagreed with him—she did, in part, though that didn’t much matter—but she marveled at his pureness of heart. Good lord, she, Anselm and all of Rivenwood really didn’t deserve this beautiful man.

His next words cut into that thought. She squinted in confusion, though it only took her a few seconds to parse his words. Was he implying Anselm had fathered them? Druid had to admit she could see the resemblance, though surely Heda would’ve mentioned sleeping with him. A small part of her flared, wishing to find her sister and demand to know the truth. But the more she thought about it, the less relevant she found it.

The only part that really resonated with her was Etienne’s belief that Anselm was in love infatuated with her sister. Was that true? Druid didn’t think Heda felt the same way, though if her sister hadn’t told her about mating with him, maybe she was hiding her feelings toward him too. She stood there in silence, pondering it all.

Take it from me: just because two wolves slept together—had children together—doesn’t mean they have feelings for each other, Druid murmured.

She shook her head, not really sure what else to say at this point. The entire situation was very emotionally complicated. Druid felt like she’d had her head in the sand. She reminded herself she’d been through a gamut of her own making. Her head went right on shaking.

I guess all that’s left to do now is fall haplessly in love with you to keep this drama going, she quipped weakly, shooting Etienne a crooked, partially toothless smile.

Etienne touched a paw to his face. Did he have boogers or tears still hanging. Maybe his eyes were all puffy.

Etienne didn't understand why Heda and Anselm were hiding their relationship. Or the childrens parentage. Anyone with half a brain who wasn't distracted could see it. He didn't understand. Though Druid had been very sad and broken after her babes were born. So she deserved some grace.

Etienne smiled, but it was sad. He knew that well look at him and all his siblings. None of them had any clue who their father was. But he didn't think that was the case. He saw how Anselm cared about Heda. In his own way.

Etienne laughed and almost cried. Please don't, unrequited love sucks. I wouldn't want dat for you.

Don’t worry, I don’t think I have a romantic bone in my body, Druid told him, something she hadn’t really admitted out loud to anyone.

That made her reflect on the situation with Glaukos again. She had never wanted that from him, though she’d cared for him in a way he hadn’t reciprocated. She supposed that meant she knew what unrequited love felt like, though she didn’t bother telling Etienne that.

She did say, You should know Glaukos turned up here the other day. I told him to leave again. Shortly after that, a man came to the borders looking for him. He mauled a young she-wolf. He told her women should be silent and do what they’re told, something vile like that.

In retrospect, Druid probably should’ve kept this information to herself, at least for the moment. Etienne probably didn’t need this bad news on top of everything else. But he deserved to know what had gone on in his absence, particularly as Glaukos’s first victim.

Etienne smiled. love is different for everybody. Some do not like romance, doesn't mean you don't love. And some don't need love or romance. Dey are happy wit' family and friends.

He blinked surprised. A small frown at her next words. He was hurting young ones. Oh Glaukos, but part of him felt bad for the man. Maybe he had never been taught either.

He sighed. I 'ope 'e learns from 'is mistakes and becomes better. I 'ope 'e can find a better way.

You try to see the good in everyone, don’t you? Druid surmised after Etienne voiced his take on the matter.

She laughed through her nose and shook her head, though she smiled. He really was too pure for this world—or for Rivenwood, at the very least. But she was glad they had him and hoped he decided to stick around. She couldn’t do much about Anselm, though Druid was determined to foster a better relationship with the Oak herself.

Mm. Do you want to hang out? I know we’ve been standing here talking for a while and that technically counts. But let’s do something together. You decide what.

Etienne nodded his head. I 'ave seen a lot of bad in my life Druid. A 'ole lot and if I don't look for de good. Well it isn't worth mention.

Etienne wouldn't leave. Despite his misgivings. His fear and his feelings. He had promised to stay. He had promised to help. And he would do so if it killed him.

Etienne thought about it. 'ave you ever caug't crabs or crayfis'? It can be messy and we must be careful. But it can be fun.