Moonspear heavy as heartbreak

attn @Dirge ; all tagged welcome, but also for reference 

 

The event had been an exhausting one. Hydra lingered for a while upon Moonspear before doing a lap around the territory to call for @Dragomir. He had been the only one to leave the scene and not return, and Hydra explored the Glen briefly and called for him there, too. But she imagined then and there, he did not want to be found. So she called one last time, please come home! 

Feeling wretched about turning around, about returning there without him, she searched still on the way home. Why had he left? Had he gone to follow Arcturus? The wolf that had abandoned them all? 

She would never do the same; she would not turn her back on her family. Her family who waited upon Moonspear. Atlas, Antares, Vega, Osiris—they would be appalled to learn of this. To hear that their uncle could be deceived so. As easily as Rannoch—

Something strange clicked. She could not know, of course, but she had a terrible suspicion. The events that unfolded were too similar. The characters the same except for him. Hydra shook her head, the side of it aching something fierce as she sought Dirge who might be with their children in this time. Exhaustion set into her bones as Hydra drifted toward where his scent was strongest, and in case their children were with him the matriarch swallowed the pain she felt as the scent became stronger. She could not hide, though, the world-weary look within her eyes. 

Were @Vega, @Osiris, @Antares, and @Atlas here too?

While not directly with their children, he had remained close. Close enough that if they needed to seek him they did not have to go far, and perhaps the same for the other way around. It was unknown how much of a ripple the newest set of events would reach, and he had taken up the role of some sort of damage control.

It may as well have been a means to head Hydra off before she came to them; he had spied her coming through the shadows and along the gentle sloping of a ridge with the same amount of composure he had mustered up. Enough, but not enough to betray the whirlwind of thoughts and how exhausting they were.

He called out to her lowly, reaching for her attention, and waited.

She heard him, and Hydra's eyes found him shortly after. Relief was palpable to see him alone there, though she hurt to think of him hurting too. They all would feel heartsore from this. Hydra would not denounce her brother for his choice, but imagined that perhaps he had denounced all of them for his newly believed notions. Or at the very least her. Her heart ached to think of it, and she felt heavy. It was with lead-filled limbs that the matriarch moved to him, crooning a low note in turn. 

This was one of the deeper hurts she had felt in her lifetime. Arcturus was meant to know her, and yet he did not. How was that so? For all of the years spent with him to be reduced to absolutely nothing... how? She tried to understand, to justify, to make sense of the senseless. Even with what had clicked before, she could not fully fathom it. I do not understand, she lamented aloud in a faint murmur loud enough for only him to hear as she drew herself before him. Hydra moved to nose his chin, grateful for his being here with her. She did not know what to say more than that, yet; she was still processing. I could not find @Dragomir. Perhaps we can search together tomorrow, she hummed with a tired shake of her head. 

Or perhaps for whatever reason, Dragomir had more faith in him than he did her. These were thoughts that did not add up in her tired mind, and yet, nothing added up in all of this to her. Where did this all come from? How? He had thought she killed Revui, and he had found she had not. So what, then, was the problem? 

This situation, it is too familiar. Perhaps Wraen has seen it fit to make a monster of me again to him. Told him old fables shared when I scared Liffey, her muzzle wrinkled, and protected them when they were young from who killed Galaxy. Made them fresh, new. She just did not understand; what else? And Wraen had been there. It felt right to point the finger in this way, at the only wolf it made sense to given her being there at all... and yet... She looked to Dirge, looking for some sort of lifeline, or suggestion to the contrary. She had hoped that Wraen had moved past that. 

Nothing made sense. Nothing. Her racing mind, tired, addled, sought an answer to something there might be no answer at all to. She sought to take grip on this, though, so that she might not be suspended in this awful freefall. 

tag for reference!

Wraen... that must have been the unfamiliar face in their gathering, the trespasser. Dirge couldn't recall if he had met her, but the name was familiar in some way. No doubt one of many that had been handed to him through her tales, through a list of wolves that she was not particularly fond of for one reason or another.

"I'll look for Drago," he offered instead, "you should rest and stay with the children." She had done enough in his eyes, forever going and going with little wonder if she bothered to actually rest. Hunting for Dragomir would give him excuse to see if he could find just where Arcturus had gone as well, if he had followed Wraen. He had his own answers he wanted.

He continued on gently, but there was a resolute firmness to his words.

"I think it's best for now that we let all of them cool their thoughts. We have more to contend with than petty desires and their correction." The wolf who had hurt Osiris and let Dacio to his demise lurked out there still, and he had not turned a blind eye to the subtle changes in Hydra and what would come with time. The stress was simply unnecessary, yet unavoidable; the best he could do was decide how much of the burden to place and where.

True, she was exhausted; he knew it better than she, it seemed... though there was little surprise as to that. By now, Dirge knew of her nuances. And she could hardly hide the exhaustion from him. Stubbornly, she wanted to insist that she join him... but she could sense that there was no argument to be had here. Dirge could be just as fierce as her, when he wanted... and the truth of it was that she trusted him implicitly. He was a good ranger and scout both; he might notice things she had not. 

Alright, she relented without much of a fight. That was likely thanks to exhaustion, too. But you are not going alone. Take @Alya or someone with you, she advised. She did not like the idea of any traveling by their lonesome in these times. They would always be strongest together. Even for the dissension that Arcturus sought to sow, that, she did not think, had not changed. They were all deeply effected by it... but most were wise and learned enough to see who was at fault here. And none of it lay with her. 

She sighed, then, a heavy breath falling from her lips. I agree. Though I only wish they could cool their heads here. It is dangerous out there right now, she licked her chops. Hydra looked to her husband then. Revui and Arcturus, did you know about their fight... did I tell you of the rest? She wondered aloud, thoughtful. So much had been upon her mind that she was uncertain if she had given him the total account. Like him, her priority had been Osiris and figuring out who wounded him. Her brothers were meant to be adults who could sort things out without killing one another... but, well, Arcturus had proven her wrong there. Hydra had realized one thing: if Revui meant to kill Arcturus, he would have. Leaving him behind was criminal to the matriarch even still, and that was what had earned her residual anger... and then, how bloodied and torn they were from anothers fangs! 

Arcturus pride was certainly an echo of her own, even if he did not recognize it. Hydra felt certain he might have killed their brother if not for her intervention, if only because she felt she might have done the same if she were him. Should she have let him? No, she thought now, reflecting. Arcturus was too soft to live with such a thing. Easy for him to point the finger elsewhere, she thought... not at all thinking of herself then. Except for a moment, but she dashed the thought away for the simple fact that was this:

She was right, and he was wrong. And if fratricide was not beyond him... perhaps he had come to claim Moonspear that day by whatever means necessary. 

Did she know her brother as well as she thought? Quiet Arcturus, dependable Arcturus... waiting for his moment to strike her down. To... 

No. That was unthinkable. She knew him. He was just being the foolish Arcturus that she knew... no more, no less. Still... better Dirge bring someone with him to be certain, then. Her trust was certainly shaken, if not lost entirely.

He could only agree with a nod, though the truth of it was that he knew he would not take another in tow. In spite of the bloodlines they shared in more than one way, Dirge knew to use a means of being a outlier to capitalize on an angle. While the finer designs of the tapestry that held them altogether continued to unravel, he was ever keen to pull at the strands, only now he found that he desired to hold them rather than see where the thread would lay bare next. Dragging one of her sisters with him would only exacerbate the problem, he thought, thinking then of Lyra's cold tongue.

"It's no more dangerous than it usually is, but you never mentioned what had happened in full," he rejoined, though it wasn't a stretch for him to imagine. Revui had left them and now wandered some fine line between being there and yet not at the same time. Arcturus had always been steadfast in his eyes. Then there was the plethora of interlopers, the tensions from one wolf to another, the height of the season and the oncoming spring—Dirge could supply a multitude of reasons to answer his own questions. But finding Hydra's side of the tale would certainly fill in half of the wonder, and finding Arcturus would supply him with the other.

He did not think so? Perhaps he had not told him the story in full. It had been exhausting day. 

Arcturus and I came across Ying, an ally, in the Wilderness. She was in heat; a man with a half-eaten face, who I had met the day prior, approached her... out of sorts. Arcturus and I aided in getting him away; Revui came then. Ying was in heat, and I suppose I underestimated Arcturus and his feelings toward his brother. I asked that between the two of them, they determine who looked out for her. Ying sought a husband, perhaps in Revui or Arcturus. I had given Revui my blessing if he wished it, and would have preferred that outcome... but I do not pretend to be the decider of fate. If Ying decided upon Arcturus as the one to bring to life the next generation, and it made Arcturus happy... I would have been happy. Arcturus did seem particularly attached to her, she remembered. I was going to seek the cannibal that attacked the male that had approached in the first place. He left a messy trail; I did not want it followed where he could lurk in the Glen, she explained. And when I left, Arcturus and Revui fought. Not a simple tussle, either. Revui returned first, having beaten Arcturus, swollen and torn apart. Arcturus came not long after Revui called demanding his place looking just the same, if not worse. Revui had come to claim Arcturus place here. I would not let that happen, and I said as much; I stood over Revui, sweeping him off of his feet. It was my command to them both to stop their fighting—we have our enemies out for our blood, and they ought to have been our focus, not one another!—but Arcturus disobeyed me. Sought to rip Revui out from under me. I was angry; angry with Revui for his actions, angry with Arcturus for his disobedience. I vented that anger on Revui as I would any Omega; I denied him his request, as he was unfit to lead leaving Arcturus behind to name but one thing... but as Arcturus pulled, I feared he would hurt Revui beyond repair. Not with intention, either. He was angry, so angry... she remembered. Angrier than he had even been with her. I ended the fight before it could continue. I knocked Revui out; before I could turn to Arcturus to speak further, there was a trespasser in our midst. Arcturus simply left, her muzzle wrinkled as she remembered it, and the wolf who trespassed was none other than the wolf that maimed the wolf in the Wilderness. He sought to take a good piece of Jarilo; I was able to get a good piece of him. But this wolf... I was told he eats other wolves, while they are still living to boot. 

Indeed it was dangerous out there. 

She sighed. I spoke with Revui afterward... and I think... perhaps I ought not to have intervened. It was their fight. But I could not stand to lose either one of them, Dirge, not to one another, not like— she shook her head and swallowed thickly. How could Arcturus let this happen? Revui? Why? Had they learned nothing? Her voice was strained as she looked to him then, ears flattening atop her crown, and perhaps I lost them both anyway for all of that... she breathed. But they are alive, she comforted herself. 

Small comfort, that, when knowing that at least one lived in seeming hatred of her.

He listened as she told her tale, the details filling themselves in from the snippets that she had passed along to him here and there. A puff left him as she mentioned the cannibal, but that only ruffled him slightly—it was a wonder there weren't more wandering the countryside, left over from the famine that now seemed an eon behind them.

But the fighting, while it had not made sense to him before, suddenly did.

He understood the fear that she had, though he did not share the emotion.

"I can't say I wouldn't have intervened myself, had I been there." To an extent, he almost regretted not being there, but chances were it would not have ended as well as it had. Perhaps it was best that they were angry with her, good that they were still alive, but he felt a painful course of anger arise in him. Somewhere along the way, rationale had gone out of the window, and he could only point the blame towards their collective upbringing that still lingered. A callback to things better left in the past, things he had hoped would be. The very things he wanted to spare his children from and yet had not.

"But you did what you thought best at the time. Arcturus had the right to defend himself and his claim, but he should have known you would have backed him up. That both of us would have. Revui does not have the right to come in here and make claims as he did—this isn't your father's reign any more. It's ours," he explained pointedly. "I don't care that he comes and goes from here because it's his home and will always be, but that's all it is. We are more than just flashy sets of teeth and arrogance now."

He hadn't forgotten that pride went before a fall.

Hydra's eyes had turned to the horizon, but once her mate spoke they turned to look to him. Frankly, she was relieved he agreed with her intervention if only because she knew of how reasonable a man he was. While in hindsight it did not sound like the best idea, if she could turn back time and change things... would she? Perhaps in the heat of the moment she might have thought, yes. But in the end, Hydra did not care for Arcturus's misplaced and misguided anger. She cared that he lived even still. Revui, too.

If she needed to be a monster for that to happen, by the stars she would be the most terrible and terrifying of them. If that made her one now, she accepted the title willingly. It was not so bad, being the monster then. Not so awful to be vilified and hated if it meant what you loved could go on. Hydra was strong enough to withstand it. But Arcturus? He was a hero. A stain on his name would ruin his soul. Hydra loved him enough to be what he needed, when he needed it. 

To hear Dirge say all that he had put her mind more at ease than it had been in several days. Her shoulders did not feel so heavy as word after word came. He put to words things in which Hydra had not even known she had been thinking. Things that lurked deep inside, but that were locked behind some door that she moseyed past but had never thought to open. No, she agreed, and I told him as much. I hope... I hope while he is away, he finally thinks. He is not only teeth, she recognized, but I do not know that he sees that. And I do not think it can be me that shows him, either. Hydra took a step toward her mate, moving to nose his cheek. We are different. And I do not want to banish Arcturus for this. The boys... Vega... he was their uncle. Hydra looked to her flanks, too. Would he never know them? Would he never wish to? 

She felt hurt and betrayed still, though, and sucked in a breath. I do not know what to do here. He challenged me, walked away from it... called me insane. Told me I attacked Revui while he was defenseless, when he went to pull him out from under me while he was prone and on his back. As he was leaving, he spoke as he had never spoken before. He said... she could not continue to recount it. The way he had said it, the way he had looked upon them all—looked upon her—had her tongue too heavy a weight to lift further. Fuck this place, he had said, which perhaps to many might not seem so terrible a thing... but this place meant the world to her. This place was where she had helped raise him. Protected him. Taught him.

Her eyes turned to Dirge, as though looking for some sort of guidance. What should they do? What could they do?

Her voice dropped off, but he didn't need to know what was said. Not in words; the devil was in the details as far as what it had done to her and his imagination was more than enough to fill in the blanks. Something definitive, something not good.

Then her eyes were upon him again as he dismissively shook his head.

"He's angry. He's hurting too. No one likes being trounced by their littermate over something trivial, especially with what it led up to. He probably felt powerless when you intervened, even with your good intentions," he thought aloud. "Let him cool off. He'll either make his way back to us in time or let this be the loose stone that sets him on his way... either way he's an adult and that's his decision."

And if it worked out, then good. He liked Arcturus, in spite of it all.

He was an adult, that was true. She had to remind herself that despite his juvenile behavior, that was a fact that could not be ignored. But she all but twitched from her lack of control over it all. How it had all come to this for him. Hating her. For absolutely nothing, in the end, once he learned that Revui was alive. She could understand rage for the thought that she might kill him, but that was a funny thought when Arcturus had all but done the same thing. If I had not intervened, and Arcturus ended up killing Revui... even inadvertently, through infection... Arcturus would not have been able to live with himself. Her voice was quiet as she admitted this. But there was no sarcasm to be detected when she looked to her mate and said, But I robbed him of his choice to do so. To take that path, she blinked, muzzle wrinkling. It was a losing battle I walked into. In either outcome, Arcturus would hate me. For intervening. For not. It was the mark of a weak man, to not be able to take responsibility for ones own actions. Hydra could admit she was wrong, but would not act differently. 

She could take his hate. It hurt, but it hurt far less than his own potential death by infection. And one day, he might see the light. One day... he might grow up and understand. 

Hydra shifted her weight. The rest of the boys will be hurt, too, she considered. Most of all Osiris. Were you able to speak with them yet...? she asked, eyes searching. Vega had not nearly spent so much time with him as the rest, but no doubt this would wound her too.

Through infection... like how Dacio had gone. A real possibility that could happen to any of them, no matter how experienced they were, but not one that Dirge worried about. If it happened, it happened, and even with the beginning spring there were only so many things that they could do. That even Lyra could do with her stores, at that.

"You can't blame yourself," he suggested, knowing that it would not absolve her of what she already believed true. "But I've only spoken to Osiris, though there's no doubt he's already saw to telling the others. They're probably nearby." His head swung to survey their surroundings, but he saw nothing that would imply that they were relatively close to where their parents spoke. At least they had been wise in sticking close to home, he thought, and if not, then he hoped.

Hydra sighed, and shook out her furs. I suppose it is time we speak with the rest ourselves, before I sleep some, she hummed. On second thought, a yawn split her features. Mmm. Perhaps I will rest first, and then, we can speak with them... she considered, hindquarters lowering to a seated position. Then the matriarch slid onto her belly as she looked to Dirge and hummed, lay with me? After all of the tumult, the weight and the warmth of him both would ease her wearied mind to the point where she could feel some peace. For him, and for all that he had done and would do, she was thankful.

No, rest, he had been about to insist, when she had changed her mind with a heavy yawn. It was almost relieving; rest would work in his favor in more than one way. It would give her time to gather her thoughts, to let the ire of all simmer to perhaps naught more than a sizzling hiss in the static din of the world.

She rarely needed to ask twice of him for anything.

He joined her, offering himself as a bastion post fit for rest, it would give him the time he needed to organize his own thoughts. To supplicate and guide such a dialogue, to dissuade the tempers no doubt set to flare. She settled in against him as he gave a contented sigh, but his eyes did not close. What didn't make sense now he hoped to make sense of soon, or at the very least begin to gather answers to the things he wondered.

But for now, it would simply have to be one step at a time.