Sun Mote Copse silver lining

Even though Maia had told him not to tell @Wraen about telling Wraen was stressed, Eljay couldn't help but worry a bit about his leader and friend after hearing about it. He had contemplated looking for Wraen several times but now he finally decided to look for her... Again. You know, unless he changed his mind. He knew from experience through the famine that it could be annoying when others were fussing over your health in any way, so he just wasn't sure if Wraen wanted to talk about this, or wanted help with anything.

Anyway, he was looking for Wraen, for not, unless he changed his mind or something else came onto his path. Following his nose, Eljay tracked her regular paths through the Copse in hopes of finding her.

Well - to be honest - rumours about Wraen's stress were greatly exaggerated. She was not worried, she was tired most days, but the good thing was that kids were finally grown up and no longer expected to be fed or taken care off. Which meant that she could cut some slack, if she wished so. When she was not thinking about, what would promotion of Towhee and Niamh would bring to the pack, she was day-dreaming about one or another story.

Eljay came up on her during one of these moments. She heard the footfalls, opened one lazy eye to see, who it was, and once registered, she yawned and pulled herself up to a sitting position, giving her whole spine a good stretch in the process. "Hi, Eljay," she greeted him. The two had not had a personal conversation ever since Elfie had left, which was a shame on her part, because, while not actively avoiding him, she also had not sought him out sooner to talk about, what had happened. 

"I suppose that you were looking for me?" she asked him.

When he came upon her, Wraen appeared to be sleeping. Eljay initially stopped and hesitated, deciding that maybe he should turn the other way and let her rest for now. But it appeared that she was already sitting up. Whether he had roused her from her sleep or if she was awake anyway, he wasn't too sure, but since she was already awake anyway Eljay approached. Hi, he said with a soft smile that was semi-apologetic; he wasn't too sure if he had awoken her or not, after all.

Yeah, Eljay said with a nod. I just wanted to see how you were doing. It's gotta be tough, being a leader through the fall and winter we've had. There'd been famine before, and both that time and this Eljay had barely been able to pull himself and the pups through, let alone had he been capable of leading a pack or anyone at all. It was admirable at least, and he hadn't really considered how that might've affected his friend until Maia mentioned it, honestly.

"It is very nice of you to do so," Wraen responded and studied Eljay's face for a while, trying to read and guess, how he was doing now and what might have been troubling him. He was painfully thin and she wished she could fatten him a bit up, because for a moment there she could feel the ghost of Wildfire frowning both at her husband and the Sovereign. 

"How have you been doing lately?" she asked. "I heard that you and Weejay went down to Hideaway strath to hunt Elfie's tracks."

Wraen didn't really answer the question -- whether she'd been stressed and to what degree -- but instead just stared at him. Eljay wasn't sure what she was trying to guess, and it made him a little uneasy, made him feel a little scrutinised. He didn't say anything, wasn't too sure he wanted to know what Wraen was thinking about anyway. So are you-- He wanted to ask again but more directly about how Wraen was doing, but just as he started talking, so did Wraen, and Eljay decided to let her finish her sentence instead. She asked how he was doing and asked about his and Weejay's search at the Strath. Not the most heartening subject, but it was probably good to inform Wraen anyway.

Eljay nodded in response to the question. Maia helped us too. He decided to just answer that question rather than answer the 'how are you' because it was complicated at best. He missed Wiffle a lot and he felt as though most others didn't miss her nearly as much, which made him feel lonely a lot. Weejay was his big comfort, but Eljay also didn't want to lean on her in any way because she was young and didn't deserve the feeling that Eljay needed her as much as he actually did, so he tried not to let it show too much even though he appreciated her presence and comfort immensely.

We didn't find anything, Eljay said with a frown. I hoped maybe we would find some sign that they're -- that he got out -- that he's somewhere, but there weren't even any tunnels or anything we could find that day, anyway. It was a very tiring day for him, too; both for the stress of leaving the territory and the danger of the outside world, as well as the physical exertion of searching around in his current state. Oh, how Eljay longed for spring, when they could fully enjoy their plentiful provisions again, he hoped. The famine and following winter had not done him well, especially with his growing child who needed the food more than he had.

The search for Elfie was long overdue in part due to the time that had passed and the snow that had hidden any other evidence. It did not surprise Wraen that Eljay had not found anything at all, but she did not voice it aloud. For it hurt more not to be able to do anything at all, then at least trying even if it was totally fruitless. 

She no longer believed Elfie to be alive, but again this was the truth she did not have to say, for it must have entered the heartbroken father's head on more than one occasion. As much as she wanted to sympathize with him, she could not fully comprehend, what it meant to lose one's child. Sure - the boy had been a great friend of hers - but their bond was different than, what he had had with his parent. 

"If Elfie is fine and well somewhere - anywhere, I sincerely believe that he will find his way back to us one day," she told him and realized that she meant it. This small and fragile piece of hope was better than the harsh and cold truth. Dead. Gone forever.

Honestly, Eljay wasn't sure what to do with himself. He felt guilty that he had not looked for Elfie before, out of fear and because he had been so weak due to the starvation. It had been a fall like no other, and followed by winter it simply meant he had not been able to look much before. And now it was too late. He didn't know if he would've found something if he had looked earlier, of course, but what if he had? What if he could've saved Elfie?

Wraen said that she thought Elfie'd find his way back if he was out there somewhere, healthy and alive. Eljay nodded numbly as he wondered this. Would Elfie want to visit his lame and cowardly father? Would the situation in the Strath have changed his thoughts on this? Eljay honestly didn't know, even if Elfie was alive, what he would think now. But many months had passed and with each passing month, hopes of that ever happening sank lower.

Yet he appreciated that Wraen tried to keep hope alive. It was very alike her. Thanks, he said with a sigh. I guess we can't do much but wait and hope, now. He doubted that they could actually find Elfie, and even if they did, Eljay wasn't entirely convinced that his son would view him any different, or be happy here at the Copse. Maybe it was for the better. A disheartening thought, and he soon decided to push it away before it would send him in a panic.

Do you ever think you want to be a parent? he asked because he didn't know what else to talk about, and he had to talk about something, right now, before he would get panicked feelings again. After he asked the question Eljay realised that it was a pretty rude and possibly sensitive one, and he silently cursed himself for saying it.

"Nothing else, indeed," Wraen agreed and fell silent, not knowing, which topic to bring up next, but keeping her expression calm, composed and interested. Thus she masked her momentarily confusion with a presence of a person, who listened carefully and waited patiently for the other one to speak. 

It worked, though Eljay's question was the one she had got asked far too many times recently. She knew and understood that with her status in the pack and being in her prime the absence of a mate and children would stir up inquiries. But it did not make it any less annoying and uncomfortable. She did not like to lie, but she had told the truth to two people already and it already felt like a crowd to her. 

"No. I do not," Wraen shook her head. "I rather prefer to be a mentor or the fun aunt to children of others and I believe I love them no less or differently than their parents do," she said. "I will watch this year's crop closely, because at some point in the future I will be no longer fit for this position and I would like to raise and nurture a new and very good leader in the meanwhile."

It surprised Eljay that Wraen didn't want to be a parent herself. It was such a strange thought to him, who was born to be a father. He'd always loved caring for the other pups in the pack, but having pups of his own had been amazing on a whole new level. Anyway, Eljay nodded as Wraen explained that she wanted to raise one of the pups of this year to take over the helm when she was no longer able. He wondered if it would not be easier if she had a pup of her own to do that with, but then, maybe it was not quite that easy. She had no mate, after all, and if she did, then he would have opnions as well and it would be difficult.

Anyway, Eljay nodded again as he thought about all of this. Oh wow, he said, in lack of something more appropriate. Honestly, Eljay'd been without a mate for most his life and he always figured that others who were might also not be able to find anyone to put up with them, just like in his case, rather than wanting it that way or preferring it. Sorry, I mean -- That's good that you know that for yourself. It made him think of what pups would be born this year to the pack... What are we expecting this year..? he asked then. I mean, from other couples -- from couples. Eloquent as always.

"Niamh approached me recently - she and Phox will be expecting a litter this season," Wraen told glad to dwell on love and family lives of other Sun Mote Copse wolves. She was glad that there was such subject to discuss, because otherwise the weight of duty to produce children on her would be too much to bear. 

"And Towhee - as far as I know - had some midnight rendezvous too, but she is very convinced that nothing came out of it," she added, thinking about, how confident her cousin had been, when she had declared that she could not get pregnant and how down-trodden she had been later, when that had proven to be true. "But miracles happen," Wraen shrugged and smiled. Sometimes.

"Anyhow - this is not something Towhee wishes to talk about much. She was pretty broken, when she returned from visitting Raven, who told her that there would be no children. Neither now, nor ever," she explained. "Anyhow - we have kids to look forward to."

Niamh and Phox! he could not help but exclaim. Eljay looked a little embarrassed afterwards. Sorry, I didn't realise they were together at all. He supposed he hadn't hung out with either of them very much. Honestly, Eljay was sad that they hadn't approached him themselves about this, so that he knew he might need to assist them with things later on, but he also decided not to dwell on that nagging anxious feeling for too long.

A midnight -- oh, Eljay said, unable to help being a little surprised about that too. Eljay could not help but feel a little anxious that pups would be born with just one parent, and a little jealous that he would never be able to achieve such a feat even if he had wanted to be a parent again, himself.

Yeah, I saw her that day. She seemed to take it hard, Eljay said when Wraen mentioned Towhee was broken from visiting Raven. He still didn't know the full story, but, well. Alright. Thanks for filling me in.

The talk of kids reminded Eljay of when he and Wiffle talked about it the year before. When Wiffle said that she wanted to make him a father, because he deserved it. When she looked at him and really saw him, for what felt like the first time anyone ever really saw him. And if it had taken four years for anyone to see him that way, then he didn't think it would ever happen again. It was easy to get lost in those thoughts, of how happy he had been, and how short the hapiness had lasted. It was the wildest rollercoaster of his life, except the designers had forgotten to finish the safety details so they had all crashed. He thought of Elfie, who looked so much like his mother, and who was lost, probably forever, possibly under the rubble, who he hadn't gotten to hold one last time...

Eljay swallowed after what was about ten seconds, but had felt like ten minutes. Sorry, I... He wasn't really sure what to even say. It wasn't as if anyone could understand what he was going through, even now. He felt guilty for still hurting so much from Wiffle's death and for hurting so much from his son's disappearance and for worrying every day about how all of that must impact Weejay every day. What was he doing again? Right, Midwifery. Eljay looked up at Wraen, swallowed away his feelings and said: I'll check up on Niamh to see if she needs any assistance.

"Don't go just yet, Eljay," Wraen attempted to stop him, before he ran off. He could visit Niamh every day - it was a weak excuse - to close off to the world again. The Sovereign felt instinctively that she would not have such an opportunity of Eljay coming and talking to her on his own accord anytime soon. And she knew better than to hunt him down herself and push against the wall to make him listen and understand. 

"You miss her still, don't you?" she did not care to specify, which person she was talking about. "But I do not think that she would wish to have you stop living just because she's gone," Wraen told confidently, though she had not known Wildfire long enough to make such assumptions. Maybe deep inside she had been a very jealous and possesive creature, who would not wish to let go off her mate neither in this life nor after crossing the river Styx. 

"You are not meant to live out your days alone. If someone saw and loved you, for who you were, before then I truly believe that there is another such person out there as well," she said. "Have food for thought about this until the next season."

All he wanted was just to make off and get out. His brain was screaming, shouting, telling him to leave, but he could not when Wraen stopped him, saying he shouldn't go now, could wait until later. Eljay's ears folded back uncertainly. He frowned as Wraen went on to say that she wouldn't have wanted him to stay sad. I know, I know, I know, but he just couldn't stop himself from hurting. It wasn't as easy in the world of his feelings as it was in the logical brain.

It was hard to say anything without crying, and so he was silent at first, as Wraen said that he should move on and be happy, that he should find love again possibly. He hadn't found love the first time; it had found him, and it had taken many years, so he didn't expect it. And maybe it wasn't even necessary. It wasn't love that he missed, or the thought of having a mate that loved him the way he did her. It was Wildfire that he missed.

I... He did not get very far before he could feel the emotion swell up that he'd tucked inside and had intended to unwind somewhere alone and far away from the rest of the pack. I know that's what she would have wanted, but it's... He choked out a sob and swallowed difficultly. It's so hard to move on. I can't. I don't need love, I need -- I want -- I need her, and I know that she isn't coming back but -- by now Eljay had tears running down his cheek, his words quick and incoherent -- I just don't know how. I know that she isn't coming back, I know that, I just, I don't know how to move on. He bit his lip and looked away, feeling like an idiot in front of his friend, and wishing that it was easier. That he could just let the emotions go, remember her fondly and let that be that.

To be honest, Wraen had not given Eljay much credit, considering him weak-willed and somewhat cowardly. Sometimes stupidly stubborn. His low self-esteem was a quality of his that she would not be able to tolerate daily. But she also realized that her observations were very subjective and were born out of the fact that she would never be a "nurturing type" in a relationship. There were women out there, who wanted to save the world and would consider Eljay a God's given gift and Life-long-mission to save and fix him, but the Sovereign was not one of them. Last year before Wildfire had mated with him and shortly after her death Wraen had toyed with the idea of, whether she should claim the man, but a year had been a very long time to quench any spark on her side. 

But this did not mean that she was heartless or immune to the depth of pain that still tormented Eljay. She knew she could not step in his shoes, even if she tried. Wraen had never loved another person like that and therefore could not even begin to imagine, how it felt to be in his place. The Sovereign did not say much, she walked to stand next to him and leaned her head against his shoulder in a comfortign gesture. Whene the time felt right, she retreated and said: "I heard that Maia planned to go out scouting for Elfie. Don't you wish to go with her? It would give you time away from Firebirds, where everything reminds you of her. And it would give you something else to do. We would look after Weejay in your absence. And Maia is all you need for a good comrade. I am not suggesting that you let anyone inside your heart, while you are not ready, but you need a good friend as a start. You should not walk alone."

It was hard to move on, no matter how badly he really wanted to. He knew that's what Wiffle would've wanted, but it just wasn't that easy. He took a deep breath as Wraen leaned her head against his shoulder; a welcome gesture, as physical touch often helped bring Eljay back to the real world.

Wraen said that she'd heard about Maia's plans to go scouting for Elfie, and Eljay nodded numbly. Yeah. Wraen then asked if maybe Eljay wanted to come with to get a breather from here. But here was also the place that was the most home ever since they were forced to leave Redhawk Caldera. Eljay hesitated. I dunno... he murmured. Wraen said that maybe he needed a friend. He felt that he had a few friends, he supposed. Wraen was his friend. And there was -- mom and dad. And... Well, maybe there weren't as many left as he used to have, when he thought of it, which was only a more depressing thought at first.

Eventually he decided not to decide yet. I'll give it a thought. Thanks. Eljay smiled weakly at Wraen, grateful for his friend's help. When he'd come here at first in order to talk about Wraen's stress levels, he hadn't expected it to backfire on him like this. But maybe Wraen was just that good at not talking about her own problems.

Maybe Wraen was that good at not talking about her problems or just the kind of person, who realized that her occasional troubles were nothing compared to, what other people faced. If Eljay was a huge mess, then she was a small dust-pile. In terms of daily difficulties. In few weeks time that said pile would disappear into the oblivion, while that mess would grow even larger. With Elwood and Finley passing away. 

"So, would you like to go hunting?" she offered doing something light-hearted and easy to do. 

Seems like a good place to end here - you can fade out in your next post. Thanks!

thanks for the thread <3

Eljay decided not to revisit the subject of how Wraen was doing when she suggested that they could go hunting. He nodded in agreement and the pair of them set off together to look for something to hunt. I hope we'll find deer, Eljay said, even though he knew that the odds might not be too high. But who knew -- prey had been returning and they might just get lucky. He'd always been much better at hunting big things in a group than small things, too. For now Eljay held onto that hope, and started sniffing the air as they walked, hoping they'd run into something good.