Nova Peak Until I found a bruise on the other side

@Mahler
set for early afternoon 11/11

The chilly morning had given way to a rainy afternoon, which made no difference to Taki. She went about her business rain or shine as always. She had left the borders some time ago and began her trek up the familiar path of the mountain, this time tracking the scent of a rabbit. 

She followed it high up, and her efforts seemed promising at first. But as she got higher and the rain changed from a mist to a drizzle, the scent of her prey grew faint and then disappeared. It must have a tunnel or something to escape through. She gave up her hunt and settled for exploring more of the mountain instead. She wasn't that hungry anyway.

mahler had not yet climbed high upon the mountain, but the vexation of the past week spurred him onto an upward path. he was angered, foremost, at this rusalka who sought to settle at no great distance from them. this was the expectation of claiming land, he supposed; perhaps he had only grown indolent and lazy.
which put him to mind of taikon, who existed as a graceless reminded of mahler's own failure. the other seemed not without ample capability, but the gargoyle's treacherous mind suggested that wylla had chosen him for another purpose. annoyed at the budding of his own insureties
i deserve better
mahler determined he would keep himself as fine a specimen as was possible, to mollify this pride. the crossing of his paths with takiyok, then, accidental as he sought to hone his muscles. and yet guilt-inducing, and yet a relief. "vhat do you think of this mountain? i seem to be obsessed vith claiming them."

She knew he was close even before he appeared at her side. In fact, she had slowed in case he was in need of someone to talk to. She didn't know the details, but she knew something was off. She had been around Mahler and Wylla long enough to know that they were different now. Plus, she wasn't stupid. As much as she seemed to be lost in her own world lately, she did still pay as much attention to her surroundings as she always had; it was a habit ground into her as a pup for many reasons, but she was always tuned in to the energy of the pack on some level. 

There are better mountains to claim, she told him first, blunt as always. But, I have no complaints yet. She had somewhere high up to escape the heat or the presence of others if she wished, and she had always been fond of mountains. 

She directed the conversation towards him. How are you, Mahler? She asked, hoping he would confide in her if that was what he needed. She wasn't sure why else he had sought out her company if it wasn't for a an ear to listen.

mahler was slightly caught off-guard by the winterwhite's shift toward him. "there vas none so great as sawtooth," he agreed softly, for that had been the place where such greatness and such sorrows had been achieved. stalling for time; a gust of air swelling his flanks and then he was pressing lightly and quietly along, knowing she would move as they had once walked in diaspora.
she saw much of him; had seen too much of him, mahler considered with no small amount of guilt. but the long years they had shared between one another had of course given her a better insight than others. he wondered if wylla would think their discourse regrettable; if she would believe that he had betrayed her again in his admission to takiyok. 
but he did not wish to lie. he was not able to lie. "the spring may find me a bachelor," the gargoyle intoned finally, vague but he need not unsnarl it for takiyok. she would understand.

Sawtooth was not my mountain, she disagreed. It was not her legacy, and she had none of the fond memories he had. Maybe that was her fault, but it was the truth regardless. The glacier was my mountain. It was not so much a mountain in the literal sense, but it meant to her what Sawtooth meant to him. She had forever chased the dream of having another life like she had on the glacier. It seemed it was not obtainable, though, at least not in the foreseeable future. 

They walked quietly along the path for a bit before he finally answered her question, and she waited patiently. When he spoke, she nodded, a knowing look on her face. What happened? she asked, although she could guess what had eventually forced a wedge between him and Wylla; it was most likely the same thing that had soured him to Taki back in Diaspora—she had wanted more from him than he was willing to offer. She didn't know Wylla as much as she did Mahler, but she had a feeling she wouldn't have been super happy about sharing him. But then, maybe she was and it was something else that had caused issues between the leaders.

mahler nodded. the glacier had appeared to never leave her heart. but he held such a remark back, believing it would only pain takiyok, a reminder of what she had surrendered for diaspora and then later sagtannet. her next words swept his muzzle toward the winterwhite. an ugly expression crossed his craggy face.
"do you remember vhen i told u i vould be selfish, that it vas my right to be selfish?" of course she recalled it; such had hung between them like the cracked belly of a tarnished bell. "vell. three daughters and a son. he does not know the tongue of my land. my eldest daughter avoids me. and my two youngest, taken by their mother to moonspear."
staring now, toward some distant unseen fixed point. "and vylla, dragged through all of it. so you see, i have reaped vhat i meant to sow."

Of course she remembered when he had told her that; it had changed everything—her perception of him, the feeling of home she had once felt in Diaspora. Most importantly, it had changed who she was. On some level, his rejection had broken her, and she had formed again eventually but as someone slightly different. The fire that had once burned so strongly within her was smaller now, more contained; it only came out if heavily or repeatedly coaxed. And not all of this was the Eisen's fault—life had also constantly tried to extinguish her flame, and eventually it had all become too much to fight against. Now she just wanted peace and her family, and it wasn't often that she considered the loss of her former self much of a loss at all. 

So as his story unfolded before her, she felt no bitterness or satisfaction that he seemed to have paid for his selfish ways. She felt only that she wished things had gone differently for him. She had been in love with him once, and then hated him, but never would she wish that his relationships with his children were so strained. She knew the pain of raising pups; children were rarely understanding of their parent's mistakes. She offered a gentle touch of her nose to his shoulder. I'm sorry, Mahler, she said quietly. Maybe it can all be repaired with time, she offered. If one was willing to work for forgiveness, maybe it could eventually be rewarded. She wasn't sure that was the case for Wylla, but maybe his children would learn to let go of the past.

he wanted to tell takiyok it would be all right, that he did not need pity. that it was not "my mistake vas being full of vhat i vanted," the shadowpriest found himself saying. "i am sorry too. for hurting those in my life who had thought better of me." like you. would their every meet be marked by such pain? 
mahler cleared his throat, felt the wind upon his ruff, turned back to glance into the deep pyre of the winterwhite's gaze before her gesture was returned, breath clattering in his throat for a moment at their contact.
and then mahler had come back to himself, offered a thin smile. "vomen are stubborn vhen they know they must be." it had been so for each woman in his life; wylla was no exception. indeed, she had far exceeded his already surprised expectation's of the feminine condition.

Along with the dimming of her fire came the ability to forgive—but it would be reserved for those who truly deserved it from her. She had decided that grudges stole too much of her energy, but there were still some that would forever be on her shit list. Mahler was not one of those; she had no intention of making him feel guilty any longer, and it had nothing to do with pity. Well, you can stop feeling guilty for what happened between us, she answered. It is not something I want to dwell on any longer, and I don't want you to either. She offered him a stern look. I want my friend back, Mahler. She wanted what they used to have before things got complicated; she missed their old relationship. 

As for his next comment, Taki shook her head. No, women are stubborn because the world would take advantage of us if we weren't. Men being the worst offenders. If they didn't stand their ground, then they would be trampled into it by all the wolves that needed them to reach their own goals.

he knew she was correct, on both counts. companionship without the pressure of something he could not give sparkled attractively, a bit of mica in a trail that had long been dust. "all right," he gruffed, unsure of what else he might say. he wished to argue, to tell takiyok he must carry that guilt for the sake of his own soul.
but he did not; he allowed the grace of inwardly turning that emotion.
"that is true." he had learned that lesson. 
a peaceable breath, chest feeling as though it had somehow become lighter in a small way. "did you ever visit the bypass just south? i adored it there."

He didn't argue any further, but she couldn't help but wonder if he would actually hive himself a break—She was guessing probably not. If she knew him as well as she thought she did, he would just silently beat himself up over it even though she made it clear it was not something that concerned her anymore. But there was nothing she could do about that. 

I visited many places that way when my family claimed the glacier, she told him. I think I was there once or twice. She was always on the move then—filled with a relentless need to chase off any stranger that came too close to what belonged to her. It seemed so exhausting now, and it felt like a completely different life.

he wanted to wax poetic about the inner dome of the bypass, its single entrance, and how even now surely he could find flesh mummified in frost from the kills he had cached long ago. but he stopped himself, enjoying the moment of peace he shared now with the winterwhite.
"maybe ve can go again. vone day. visit your glacier as vell." something warmer touching his mouth, thawing the cold purple of his eyes. 
a second in a splintered time he would remember for the rest of it, something to yank close to his chest in the wintertime of his own melancholy.

:(

I would like that, she told him. Although the thought of visiting the glacier made her chest tighten. He would at least understand why she might act strangely while they were there without her having to give details about the painful demise of her treasured pack and family. She was reluctant to visit at all, but she thought it was probably about time. 

Why do you like the bypass so much? she asked. Of all the places around here, he was drawn there, but she realized she didn't know why. She hadn't heard him speak of it recently and if he had told her of it some time earlier, she did not remember now.

;;;;

"i claimed it, or tried to do so, during a very ... a very odd time in my life. i vas alone, and it vas a perfect place for the family i thought i vould vone day have there." something pulling at his heart, the tug of teeth in his soul. "vone entrance. a forest inside stone valls. as beautiful as sawtooth vas, vithout the high sharp foothills. the first place i felt as if i had come home."
aware he had spoken at length, mahler cleared his throat, gave a sheepish smile to the winterwhite, turned his eyes off toward the distance.

The placed he described sounded like a perfect place to raise a family and lead a pack; she wondered if things might have been different for him and Wylla had they settled there instead of here. The thought was dashed away quickly—she had seen how set he was in his plans last year. It was one of the reasons they had fought and she had left. Besides, his decisions had been made long before they moved anywhere. 

He seemed embarrassed to have spoken so much of this place he clearly loved, but he didn't need to be. She had missed these kinds of conversations with Mahler. She was quiet a moment before speaking again. Why did we not move Sagtannet there, then? she asked. If he was so fond of the place, why had they settled here. Not that she minded being here, but if the bypass was where he really wanted to be, why not move the pack there when they had to move anyway.

mahler considered her question a moment. "it vas the farthest place i could think to take everyvone from the first mountain. i vanted something as familiar as i could make it." a pause, a breath. "and i imagine it has gone claimed these past years. i have not been back." wistfulness rising unbidden into his voice.
mahler surrendered the tight tether of himself, relaxing for the first instance in a long while. "vylla alvways hated sawtooth." rueful curve of his mouth, lavender gaze moving again toward takiyok.

He was right, it probably was already claimed if it was as good a place as he described. And his reasoning for choosing this mountain were logical. They had pups to consider, which made moving difficult and dangerous, so he wanted somewhere close and as familiar as possible. It is certainly better than Sawtooth, she told him. It seemed her thoughts on Sagtannet's former claim were similar to Wylla's own, but for vastly different reasons. She told me once, when I first came back, Taki explained. Wylla's reasons involved her children's safety; Taki had just been resentful for being forced back because she was sick and then miserable because she felt obligated to stay after she got better. Why did you like it so much? she asked, meeting his gaze and offering a curious frown.

"ach. vintersbane and i enjoyed the place." and for quite some time they had worked to build the land. and then he had begun to fade, and wylla, and the off-again strife that had marked their joint leadership. mahler blinked. "perhaps she hated it there because she had not been consulted."
oh, he did not wish to speak of such now! but takiyok's nearness acted as a balm upon him, and the words came warmer, easier in the telling. "i thought it vould be protected. that ve vould never leave."

Possibly, she offered when he suggested the other Eisen had not been happy at the spire because she had not been consulted before they moved. But Wylla does not strike me as someone who would not tell you that if it had been the reason, Taki pointed out. He probably knew that better than she did. 

Maybe it is pessimistic of me, but I have come to believe that few things last forever. It was probably not a comfortable truth to accept, but she had years of evidence to prove it was the case. There were so many things in her life that had been important to her, that she would have fought to keep forever, but in the end, it felt like it was never really her choice. The universe always came in and planted destruction where it saw fit. There were plenty of problems she had caused, and she would gladly shoulder the blame for them, but Stigmata and Ikkanattuk and her children scattered to the winds for most of their lives—those all felt like she was fighting and invisible monster that always had the upper hand. No matter how hard you try, it feels like some things are out of your control.

"you vould be right," he said dryly. but he did not want to speak of wylla, and was unsure what else he could say. the remainder of what takiyok had said was the truth, however, a bitter one each wolf must learn. to accept that there were occurrences beyond one's control was to know a soured cup of wine. but it was a necessary drink.
swiftly mahler wished, with a rare spontaneity, that he could bring any sort of happiness to takiyok. there was aught else to grant her aside from the ability to choose motherhood in the following year, but he did not mention such, for he did not wish to remind either of them of what had happened before.
"then ve must become adaptable," the gargoyle said at last with a low sigh, expression softening into somehow youth, if only for a moment.

We do not have much of a choice, she replied with a shrug. We adapt or we are forced to suffer even more. It was a pessimistic view, but it was one that came from life experience. From a young age, she had been forced to chose to adapt or suffer the consequences. At this point, she was usually just waiting for the other shoe to drop, planning for the what ifs that would eventually become reality.

Maybe life would be too boring without reasons for us to adapt, she suggested. Maybe it was a boring she would enjoy though, at least for a little while.

"i vould enjoy being rather static," mahler joked softly, unwitting that he had echoed her inner thought. "but i suppose each experience is something ve can add to the history of ourselves." he enjoyed their open conversation, leant into it. 
warm stoneflower glancing for the fireflame of her own. "i could eat," he suggested lightly, wishing to claim as much time for the both of them as he was able. there was something undefined and comfortable about it, something mahler had grown to realize he had needed, though never the words to utter such came to him.