Broken Antler Fen PeachPuff

Reference to the old Broken Antler fen's description by Mar - The Spotted Lands

While following a trail left by a bobcat earlier that morning, not only Wraen found remnant's of the cat's breakfast to feast on (not exactly, but she was a humble person with low expectations), but also discovered a very scenic area of the fen that she had not been aware of previously. Just on the edge of tree-line lied a large area of small patches of land and numerous waterway running inbetween. Or... Wraen tilted her head to the side, when it occurred to her that at a second glance it might be just another large lake with a numerous little islands. Interesting...

Not willing to get her paws wet - with the gradual increase in temperatures and melting taking place - she chose a path to walk right by the place, stopping occasionally to have a better look at something or climb over an old uprooted tree, washed ashore. There were plenty of those and she spied some more - apparently dead tree-trunks - standing, where the water had drowned their roots a long time ago. Here and there she noticed tracks left by an ungulate of sort and some rabbit droppings scattered here and there told her that this place - away from the wolf-hob - was frequented by lagomorphs. 

A potential goldmine. Wraen concluded, sitting down to observe the surroundings for a while.

Eljay decided, after a few days of sleeping, that he needed to stretch his legs a little. He stretched his stiff limbs that complained instantly about having to come into motion after days of disuse, let out a long, tired yawn and left the napping spot. Eljay walked slowly through the Fen. At this rate, at least he didn't have to feel bad about being too scared to leave the territory: He had plenty left to discover with his slow pace. Drips of snow melting from trees accompanied him as he slowly wandered through the Fen.

It wasn't the view that drew Eljay in; it was the scent of Wraen. He spotted his friend in the distance and woofed at her, then started to slowly walk towards where she was sitting, overlooking what seemed to be a land with lots of water and islands. The way he walked made him look and feel like an old man, a little stiff and tired. It worried Eljay that he was still so tired, but surely he would be well again soon enough, right?

Even if Wraen took notice that Eljay walked like a stiff old man, she would not have taken any offence... no, that's not the right expression for it - would not have assigned much or any meaning to it. After all they were both middle-aged and not being as young and bouncy as in their youth was perfectly normal. Well, perhaps, she had it easier, because there was no one she had to impress, whereas the eldest Blackthorn son had just got married with a she-wolf younger than him, and he had to keep up. At least pretend that he was trying to do so. 

"Hey!" she looked over her shoulder to greet her friend. "I heard the good news - congratulations, Eljay!" she told him.

Ironic if he'd known Wraen's thoughts, Maia was one of the few wolves that made Eljay feel comfortable enough to slow down right now. He still felt guilt eating him up on behalf of just ditching Niamh and Towhee in their time of need. What if something more went wrong with the births? It would be on his head. The thought alone made his breathing rapid and his skin itch, so he tried to push it aside for now. He could feel guilty about being selfish plenty when he was on his own; now he wanted to focus on the one other friend he had here in Brecheliant.

Eljay walked over to Wraen and then sat himself down by her side, overlooking the same scenery. Thanks, he said with a soft, though weary smile as Wraen congratulated him. Again, the guilt mixed up in his gut, but thankfully Wraen sounded as though she thought only happy thoughts about him being here. Maia's been great, he said softly, And the napping spot we have is so soft and relaxing... There was a lingering 'but' in his voice as he trailed off, but Eljay contained it within him, unwilling to spoil a good mood. So who are the leaders beside you and Maia? he asked, deciding it best to change the subject rather than acknowledge how burnt out and guilty he felt.

"Well, we have Teya - a lovely girl, who joined us along with her good friend Bridget. From what I have gathered, she has had a very different upbringing than most of us, but she is very eager to grow and learn," Wraen told about the young, ambitious she-wolf, of whom she had quickly grown very fond of. 

"And the Auspex - our leader-elect - is Ibis. She is my brother's eldest daughter, my niece," she explained. "I had not met her, since her early youth - her mom separated from my brother, when she was just a kid, but few months ago our paths crossed again. She happened to be on the lookout for a new home and we happened to be founding one," Wraen said. 

"We are a diverse bunch here and, since all of us come from different backgrounds, we decided that our take on leadership will be a little unconventional. We have a council of Ravens, which make the big decisions among themselves and vote for, what's best. And we also elect a leader - what we deem fit for the needs of the pack as a whole," she said. "This means that the weight of the leadership does not rest upon one set of shoulders, but is shared between several people. This also means... more opportunities for anyone to become a leader. Not just those, who are born in the family."

Eljay nodded when Wraen mentioned Teya, having met her. She was a bit of an odd one indeed, but he was glad to have met one of the pack's leaders, anyway.

It surprised him to hear that someone else was 'leader-elect', the leader of the pack. Oh! he could not help but exclaim at that. Maia had mentioned the names of the leaders — she'd mentioned Ibis being one — but in Eljay's mind, it had been Wraen at the top and then the other three leaders beneath her. That's nice. I hope to meet her soon. He smiled at the sentiment.

Then Wraen went on to say that leadership was different here. That the leaders voted, and that anyone could become a leader. That's a nice sentiment, Eljay shared, although he didn't think that it meant that anyone could become a leader. Not everyone was suited for it, he supposed. And if he could not become a leader like his parents in Redhawk Caldera despite being a Blackthorn, it seemed highly unlikely that he would ever be a leader here. It didn't matter, he supposed — not everyone was suited for everything, and considering nobody but Wildfire had ever even considered he could be suited for such a thing, then maybe he just wasn't. I'm looking forward to see Maia grow in the role, he shared with a soft smile.

"We also have a leader in-training Lilitu - she's my grand-niece, I think, and is very eager to learn," Wraen remembered the honorary member of the council. "We'll see, how it works out. The concept is not that novel - Firebirds was an inspiration, I have to admit - but we made some adjustments that we thought necessary," she told. "And, if at any point there's a vacancy among Ravens and you feel that you would like to step up, do not hesitate to ask - after all it is great to have input from different people to make a decision that's best for all. Every opinion counts," and Eljay had proven that at times of great need he too had voice that not only had to be heard, but listened to too. 

"Mind if I ask you - what made you decide to come and live with us?" she asked after a pause. "Last I spoke with Maia, I got the impression that you were very attached to the caldera and with all the healing jobs to do, pretty swamped too," Wraen said.

Eljay smiled as Wraen mentioned that they had a leader-in-training who was eager to learn. That's nice, Eljay said, mentally noting the name in case he'd run into Lilithu later that maybe he could ask her about it.

When Wraen said that if there was a vacancy at some point and he wanted to give it a try, Eljay stiffened briefly, and then shrugged, clearly a little uncomfortably so. I dunno... I mean, I couldn't even be a leader in Redhawk Caldera despite being a Blackthorn. That's gotta mean something. But that's okay. Maybe it just isn't my uh, 'thing'. Everyone had their own strengths, and honestly, Eljay wasn't too sure if leading was really his. He should just be happy to have a niche strength in the shape of caretaking, and be happy he could help others that way. There was no use trying to aim too high; it would only lead to disappointment.

Speaking of disappointing others, Eljay felt the twist in his gut tighten when Wraen asked him how he decided to change his mind and live with Brecheliant. It made him feel flustered, but mostly it made his rapidly pounding heart return, along with a dizzy sense of nausea that made him want to throw up. Ah, he started, and then continued to stumble over his words, glimpses of a younger Eljay, I was — am — should be — Ouch... How many more pups would Towhee have lost by now? Why aren't you there, Eljay? I mean, I was. I just, I... I don't know, I just couldn't do it anymore. Be there for them all the time, when t-they didn't even... It was too much. It's... I don't know how to describe what it feels like. It was like this.. weight, that just feels like it's.. going to crush me. Eljay let out a quivering breath as he stopped himself, not wanting to keep talking until he would burst. He looked out at the landscape around them, afraid to look at Wraen. Afraid that she would judge him as harshly as he judged himself for leaving.

"Well, I am not much of a fan of inherited leadership positions. Some royals have a potential, but many are not fit for that role. So - just because you are a Blackthorn and never was a leader, does not mean anything. At least it does not mean that you have failed in a certain aspect in your life. We have two other Blackthorns here - Penn and Jackalope - neither are fit for leading and they don't weep over it much at all. Frankly speaking, I think that they are relieved they can get in trouble and there are people, who will clean up the mess," that was a little over-exaggeration, because neither had given her any headaches up until now. But it was easy to imagine, where they would stand, if problems occurred because of them. 

"And I have a feeling that you imagine that a leader is a certain type of wolf, one type, in fact, whereas here - Ravens - are intended to represent people from all backgrounds and experiences. And - as I remember, you also have a strong voice, when the occasion requires it and, after you will have settled in, I would really love to hear it more often. You've got it, Eljay," she smiled at him. When she had asked about the reasons he had left the caldera, she had not anticipated that there was so much more than the eye caught at the first glance. And it was not the usual "I am homesick" and "I wish my parents were here" thing, but seemed like a very bad breakup after a long-term relationship that had run its course. So, it had been bad. Had Towhee said something to drive him away? Had Niamh said things wrong? Because it felt that at present all the bridges were burned. 

"Did you feel used?" she asked, when he struggled for words. This conclusion did not mean that she thought ill of her former packmates. Not even close, but it did seem likely that a selfless person like Eljay, whose self-confidence was based on, what others thought about him, would be taken for granted, perhaps, treated like the harmless village idiot, who was useful as long as he did not raise his voice to ask for something in return for his favours. But then again - hadn't Eljay put himself in that situation - it was very likely that after Wildfire's death he had focussed solely on raising his family and, once that was no longer necessary, he had plunged in the work to fill the emptiness in his life and not think about it for a while.

Eljay listened as Wraen mentioned leadership some more in detail. When she mentioned Penn and Jackalope, Eljay wondered who the latter was. The name didn't ring any bells for him, which instantly roused his curiosity. It couldn't be a forgotten sibling, then; was it another long lost uncle, then, perhaps, like Uncle Colt had been..? What was he doing here, now? It wasn't the subject at hand though, so Eljay decided to mentally note the existence of this Blackthorn and he nodded silently through what Wraen said.

He was soon distracted, anyway, when Wraen said — after a very astute thought of how Eljay pictured a certain type of wolf when he thought of what a leader looked like — that she would like to hear him speak up more often. Eljay smiled awkwardly, not very good at taking a compliment. Uh, thanks, Wraen, he said humbly, not sure where to file the compliment but neither wanting to outright decline it. He'd often felt it wasn't good enough, whatever he said. Would it really be different here, with even more strangers..?

At Wraen's words — did you feel used? — Eljay initially shook his head. Well, the truth was, he had felt used, but it was only a part of it. I... He hesitated, as if unsure whether he could tell Wraen everything or perhaps simply not knowing what to say or how to say it. A bit, I guess. It wasn't why I had to leave, though. I just felt like I... Like I'd get crushed, if — if I stayed there. Like they would just need more and more of me until there wasn't anything left of me. I was just tired and stressed all the time, and then it was as if something just... I don't know, burst? And I couldn't. Just the thought of having to go back there and take care of them made me feel like... Well, I don't know, like I physically couldn't manage that? Eljay wasn't sure how else to describe it, so instead of trying some more, he just shrugged and gave up. His face was tense, as if he was afraid that Wraen would judge him for it, perhaps. These were her friends too, after all; and in a way, Eljay felt as if he had once more failed at being strong enough to simply live life and do what was expected of him.

Wraen recognized that feeling, though it had never been as bad as Eljay's. If a burnout was a heavy rain-cloud, thunder rumbling, lighting showing, then she had always bolted, upon the very sight of it over the horizon. Her brother-in-law, however, had not only missed the warning signs, but continued to operate right in the middle of a storm without an umbrella or any protective clothing. No wonder he had got drenched quickly, cold and unable to function. Good thing he had not attempted to toughen up and weathered the storm. Otherwise he would have probably worked himself in the grave. 

"Do you remember the last time you had honest holidays?" she asked him after a pause. "Because I am no healer, BUT as your leader I prescribe you good night's sleep and rest - as much as possible, and doing all things you enjoy and haven't had time to do in a long while," she told. "And Maia in healthy doses, though I haven't heard that anyone has ever suffered from overdose of pure awesomeness," she finished. "So - would I make a convincing healer?" she asked for his opinion.

Wraen asked when he'd last had a holiday, and Eljay didn't really do that very much. But it was true that a lot more pressure was piled on him as his competence grew. When he was younger, Eljay'd felt useless very often, and then as he got older, he was glad that he had found a niche where he could be useful in. His confidence in his trade grew, but unfortunately, so had the confidence of others in his trade, and that meant it was a lot harder to take a holiday — because he felt needed, and others made him feel needed too.

Guilt crept up on him for leaving Redhawk Caldera again, but he pushed it away and listened to what Wraen had to say. She told him to take rest and do things he enjoyed. Eljay could not help but chuckle when Wraen said that Maia should be taken only in healthy doses but that it couldn't probably hurt to overdose a bit. Well, that last thing was good, because otherwise Eljay'd be in big trouble. He'd been spending most his time with Maia by his side since getting to Brecheliant, after all.

Wraen asked then if she made a convincing healer. The best, Eljay said with a grin. Alright, maybe... Maybe you're right. I do feel guilty for leaving like this. Leaving my home. But maybe you're right, and I need to look after myself a little bit... He'd been trying to rest up but feeling guilty all the while. Maybe accepting that it was okay to relax and not be too useful for the coming time was what he needed to do first to get better?

"There's no harm in putting yourself first time from time," Wraen told, while she thought to herself that in Eljay's case it was more like"for the first time in YOUR life". Children all grown up, duties set aside for a while. Fresh in love and on cloud 9 or, whichever was that cloud that people, who were very, very, very lucky in life found themselves wading through. "And besides - having a relationship and building a family together is tough work too. A different kind - but just as important," she reasoned.

"Focus on that now," she encouraged him and hoped that this rather pleasant task would keep his mind off sad things that had happened in the past. "Because... I've heard and I think that's very true - if you are happy and content yourself, it is very easy to share with others and feel no loss of that. Quite the opposite - happier even. It is completely different, if you are drained and people squeeze you out for more," she told. "So - why don't we go and find a good landmark for all the rambunctious Blackthorn spirits to congregate at, huh?" she suggested, getting to her feet and stretching. 

"If I remember Finley correctly - she is tapping her foot impatiently already," she smiled at him. "So we should hurry, because I've seen, what wild and untamed Blackthorns can do... Ghosts mean triple the trouble."

Even though theoretically Eljay knew that, it was hard to determine what was fair towards others. He ideally just wanted to put everyone first, but it seemed like that was a very hard thing to achieve. Perhaps unrealistic and impossible, he realised in that moment, as it hadn't really occurred to him before that that was what he was trying all along.

He definitely didn't want to put others before Maia, or before their future children. Just as how he had always put Weejay and Elfie before everyone and everything else, even though he hadn't been in the best place when they were growing up. Somehow having a family made the focus more singular and clear (even though it was still mostly a diversion from having to put himself first, by putting those closest to him first instead).

Wraen shared some wisdom then, and the words did hit a chord with Eljay. If you are a happy and content yourself, it's very easy to share with others and feel no loss of that. Eljay hadn't been in a very good place a lot of moments in his life. He was in a pretty alright place right now, actually, which was why the meltdown impacted him so much more, because it made it even more unexpected (for him, anyway; those around him might've seen it coming). He wanted to make others around him happier, but it was hard to think about making himself happy before that because somehow it felt selfish.

Left with little time to process those words Wraen suggested they find a place for the Blackthorn spirits. For mom and dad... And Elfie, he thought grimly to himself. Yeah, he agreed with a nod.

Even though Eljay didn't think that his mother was really a ghost (after all, like Wraen said, she would've totally haunted them, if not just for shits and giggles rather than impatience) the words of having to hurry still somehow made him feel rushed. He tried to shrug off those feelings and grinned. Oh, yeah, you don't want to make her impatient. I mean — I do think that if she was haunting us, she would've pranked us by now. Or at the very least, the wolves around Eljay; he wasn't too sure she would pester him, but she would certainly let him know she was there some way, and her way wasn't sending sweet symbols or drawing hearts in the clouds in the sky, but probably, yeah, pranking those around him when she was mentioned at least. Just so that he'd know she was still there for him. But better safe than sorry. Got any places in mind..? He tried to think of what his mother liked. Elevation, he felt, would suit her well, but then again, she'd been an explorer at heart and it seemed that she mostly liked a place with varied landscaping.

"The best pranks are those that you do not see coming," Wraen replied, casting a glance around, as if expecting that something would happen any moment. Nothing seemed suspicious just yet, but who knew? Ghosts had all the time in the world, given that they lived in a timeless plane anyway. "I can't remember - whether it was her or Colt or them both, who angered a buffalo for the fun of it or... I do remember a tale about breaking a leg for the purpose of doing something," she rummaged through the dusty boxes of her memory, in anticipation of finding a great story there and coming up with virtually nothing. Sure, it would probably conjure itself up hours later, but still... her memory was not at its top game either. 

"She told you stories about her youth, didn't she?" she asked, walking side by side her friend. "Which one was your favourite?"

Wraen seemed to expect something, but Eljay's mind was set. Still, there was no harm in Wraen thinking (or pretending to..? he was never quite sure with her) that they were still out here. Eljay didn't say it to seem sulky, but it was just a thought that had come to him. If she could do anything at all in the present world then his mom totally would've pranked everyone by now. Patience was never mom's strongest suit, Eljay gently reminded Wraen.

Wraen then went on to tell a story about angering buffaloes. Eljay thought immediately that it must've been Colt, because he didn't remember this happening, but maybe it was before his mother had him, he realised moments later.

When Wraen asked him for his favourite memory of his mother's youth, Eljay realised that he didn't know a whole lot of them at all. She hadn't spoken much of her youth at all. Perhaps because she was afraid that it would make her son even more fearful for her health whenever she was away from the pack. It had always been very hard for him to let go of his mother when she left, after she'd left and got lost during his younger months and years.

Oh... I don't actually know that many, he said, growing a bit more contemplative under this realisation. It was weird but he had never really thought of either of his parents' lives before he was born. Then he asked instead, What is yours?

Eljay's revelation surprised Wraen, because she had been under impression that Finley had always been an avid story-teller and had shared tales about her wild-youth with her kids on regular basis. Either her assumption had been wrong or her former co-leader's eldest son had been left out of this for whatever reason. The sad thing was that she too did not remember that many, mostly because, while she had been the leader of Firebirds, there had been less time to spend with the two golden elders. Now... she could not remember for the world, what that super-important busy stuff had been, but she knew she regretted not spending enough time to soak up more exciting Blackthorn stories from the legendary duo. That's, how life works for us all.

"To be honest, I don't recall much either. There was a tale, where she broke her leg on purpose. Along with her partner in crime - Colt," she said, but that was about the extent of her memory. As she got older, she too began to not remember everything. "But veering off the subject - my favourite story from my mom's life was, how she met my father," Wraen told. "Well, it is a long and winding story, but to sum it up - when she first met him, she was smitten and figured that she could get the guy, if she wanted to. And he did not suspect anything for a whole year, but they did become good packmates and friends. And then... rather than throwing around ambiguous hints, she asked him one day, if he wanted to get married, and he graciously accepted her proposal. 

That's, how I and my siblings came to be. My mom was of opinion that, if she had not been the bold one, Dante - my father - would have never taken the first step. Too much of a gentleman. Proud too. Lucky for him shamelesness runs in the Redleaf-DiSarinno lines and mom had no face to lose by just being straightforward and asking," she made it sound all so simple and not that romantic, but she knew that had not Osprey sensed that her intended husband-to-be liked her enough, she would have never stepped forward and would probably have set her eyes on someone else. "It is not the romantic fluff you usually hear in fairy-tales, but I often find that real life stories are so much more captivating. They make you believe that - hey - if that happened to him or her, it could happen to me too."

Though it made him contemplative, Eljay wasn't sad that he didn't know a lot about his parents' lives. Knowing them through his own entire life was enough for him. He did like listening to Wraen's tales though. He chuckled at the breaking-a-leg-on-purpose story. He wrote it off as another tall tale from his mother; he couldn't imagine that anyone would actually break their leg on purpose. It was usually a death sentence. It made him think of Niamh briefly, but Wraen continued.

Eljay smiled at the story — Dante, who didn't make a move, and Wraen's mother, who knew for a long time and then just flat-out asked him to marry her. Wow, Eljay exclaimed at the end of the story. Then Wraen said that Dante would never have taken the first step. Eljay thought to him and Maia, and how long he had hesitated himself. Eventually he had sort of accidentally taken the first step, but he attributed most, if not all, of it to Maia. So it was a relatable story to him.

I think it's a nice story, Eljay said with a soft smile. It reminds me a bit of Maia and me. I.. I liked her when you guys first left the Copse, and I thought many times to follow. He hadn't, of course, using mostly Weejay as an excuse as well as everyone needing him. Even then, perhaps he hadn't had the most healthy relationship with his work and pack. He'd already mostly forgotten that a large part of his doubt had been that he thought maybe Wraen would not want him there, but it was easily forgotten as they were sitting here talking so amicably.

"But you did make that brave step eventually and therefore you have already written a new story in our family's shared history. I think that "How I met your mother/father" stories are one of the best and the most heartwarming," Wraen told, happy that Eljay had liked her story. She was of opinion though that had there been a little less insecure fumbling on both sides, they would have had their "happily ever after" sooner. Maybe it would have changed the whole flow of their lives and they all would still be living happily in copse. But that's the thing with "trousers of time" - once you go down one leg, you'll never find out, what happened inside the other. 

"Are you planning to have kids this season?" she asked him, though she knew that they already had. She simply wanted to hear it from him too.

Eljay smiled as Wraen said that stories about how parents met each other were the most heartwarming stories. He did think that they were good, but then, he was a sucker for a good romance story anyway. He wondered how his parents met; he didn't think that they'd ever told him, and he'd never thought to ask. He had somehow always seen them as the people they were from the moment he was born and had never stopped to think about or ask them about their lives before him. And now it was too late.

Wraen distracted him from those thoughts with a new question, and this was one that Eljay found easy to answer. Yeah, Eljay said with a soft smile filled with brimming but humble enthusiasm. It's really exciting. I've never really uhm... planned this sort of stuff. With Wildfire it just sort of happened, and we became mates afterwards. Now it just feels like it's been so long since we met, and it really feels like it's time.

Wraen chuckled lightly about the way Eljay phrased "now it felt like it was the right time". Of course, it was, but still she was of opinion that happiness had been dangling right in front of their noses for a long while and only now had they reached out to snatch it and never let go. It was hard to believe that anything could come between these two, espcially very trivial things. 

"I will be happy to be the fun aunt," she replied with a sly smile. "It is quite a handy role - parents deal with all the "raising properly" stuff and I can give free reign and not suffer consequences," she mused, though in reality she would be just as strict teaching canine etiquette as Maia and Eljay would. Maybe even a grumpier version of them with her being a senior citizen and all.

Wraen did seem the 'fun aunt' kind of type. Eljay thought of Uncle P right away, who, even though he had children of his own, had always seemed the type of fun uncle, too. Actually, his own mother was probably more of a fun aunt type of person than a mother type, now that he thought about it. But that was alright; his children could definitely use a little more Finley in their lives, so if Wraen would fill that role, it was all the better.

Of course to Eljay, being a parent was way better than being a fun uncle slash aunt. It was good that the roles were divided as they were, then. I'll be happy to have a fun aunt around for them, he said genuinely as he looked at Wraen, soft genuine smile on his face. He found himself wondering if Wraen truly did not want children, but then, he had asked her that before and she had answered that she didn't, so he decided not to push it. Eventually, he just said, a more serious look on his face as he looked out across the lands: I'm grateful to have a friend like you, Wraen.

"You deserve such and so much more," Wraen replied, though in the back of her mind the guilt was nagging for all the times she could have been a better friend to him and had not. It was so easy to be generous, friendly and supportive, when things went well. But - what if (an "if" she hated to even think about it) - it no longer did? Years had passed and she still felt as if she had failed him, when Wildfire had passed. Perhaps, it was worse in her memory than, what her brother-in-law perceived of the same situation, but she did not like the very real possibility of not being able to help him properly, if anything bad happened.

Maybe it was better then to live one day at a time and deal with hypothetical problems, only when they became palpable and real. Why smudge that beautiful moment they were having right now? Who could tell now, if it was going to be one of the 1000 or the last bright one in ensuing darkness? She cast a side-glance at him, offered a sincere smile, if he happened to catch her eye and then they continued their search for the proper Blackthorn memorial in a comfortable silence, exchanging words only, when it was necessary. 

Seemed like a good place to fade out. A new one?