Sleepy Fox Hollow the universe offers a paradox too great for the finite mind to grasp

for @Siku <3
@Mahler and @Wylla for visibility, but they're welcome to join <3

As soon as he and Aquene had been settled enough for him to make the trip to the hollow, Kallik had set out from the canyon. He wanted his family to be whole again, or as much as they could be after everything that had happened. His guilt was a constant ache in his chest. He thought about his sons every day, wondering if they hated him for leaving. He knew what it was like to be left by one's father, so he wouldn't blame them. Mostly, he just wanted to see that they were okay. The last he had seen either son, they were children, and now months had passed. Guilt swelled inside his heart. He would never forgive himself for the choice he made. All he could do now was try to fix things. 

Kallik stopped a bit from the borders, not wanting to step on anyone's toes. He was here to see his son, and Paleo was an ally. If anything, he was immensely grateful for the fact that they had taken his wandering son in and kept him safe. 

He tipped his head back and sent a howl out over the valley, calling for his son. Then he waited.

he knew the call was for him.

even if he didn't recognize that voice. even if he didn't recognize the body that stood upon the borders. hackles prickled with anxiety, a low whine in the back of his throat. part of him hoped wylla would reach them first. that she would figure it out and determine if it really was for him.

but he knew.

some part of him ached deeply. wounded that just as he began to find tempo and peace within the life paleo gave him, that this happened. each moment a grand flurry of emotion.

he came to the borders. he looked out to that ghostly figure and although he could not recognize the man fully, he knew.

The young man that answered his call was much older than the pup he had left. But Kallik knew him; he knew his scent and the distinct colors of his two-toned gaze. He felt his guilt more keenly now. Seeing his son, who likely wouldn't even recognize him, forced Kallik to face his mistakes. 

The tension was palpable; it hurt as nothing else had. His son saw him and felt worried? or scared? Kallik couldn't quite tell, but there was no happiness in the twin that stood before him. 

Siku.The word was soft, strained, filled with pain. I have not come here to take you away; I only want to talk to you, to apologize for leaving you. Kallik took a seat, hoping to seem more approachable. I want to know the young man you have become in my absence. Would Siku let him?

all siku saw were differences in that moment.

how much of a warrior this man looked like. how he was large and chiseled from the mountains themselves — where siku grew only like a weed, yet retained such little weight.

"siku."

if he could have willed away his own ability to hear, he would have. pained and prepared to show his bleeding heart to the world. just as much as he had wished wylla would be here for protection, he now deeply wished to be alone. to retreat back into his own safe corner of paleo, to pretend that he was not seemingly hurt again and again.

to think about how the blame seemed to constantly shift in his mind — from the imperator, to his father, to himself.

do you know mom's gone too? that she was matrona but left to find you? nanuq also took off. probably because mereo was awful and we both wanted a better place. he wished he had more of a backbone, to put venom behind his words. instead he wanted to crumple and weep. flee altogether until he was ready to face a long chain of events.

he ignored how the cold stung at the tears forming in his eyes.

Siku asked about his mother—if Kallik knew she had left to find him. He knew and he hated it. He hated that Aquene had felt the need to come look for him and that his sons had left Mereo. They hadn't had the stability of a whole family in the most important time of their young lives. He should have been there to teach and support them. But he hadn't been, and he would never forgive himself. 

He was surprised to hear that the twins had wanted a better place than Mereo. Siku said it was awful there, and Kallik assumed it was because they were without their father. Mereo was probably a painful reminder of what they had lost. And with Aquene gone, they probably felt abandoned. The words his son had offered hinted at the turmoil he felt inside. Kallik wanted to go to him, but he was worried it would send his son running from him. 

Yes, I know she left. But she has returned. Your mother and I are back in Mereo. He wanted to promise that he wouldn't leave Siku again, but the words died in his throat; they would probably be empty words to his son. Kallik would need to prove he was here to stay with his actions. What has turned you against your home? Kallik asked carefully. Why did they not have the same loyalty to the canyon that Kallik and Aquene had?

she returned.

somehow that hurt worse. that his wayward father was here, but his mother hadn't come with. originally he had wanted to try and convince her to come to paleo, thinking that might have loved the place too.

now all he wished for was nanuq. realizing suddenly that nobody else from his blood mattered but his brother. even if he wasn't here, even if they hadn't seen each other in a while. at least he still felt unified with him. that they had done the same thing. even if it had been in a different way.

because it's not my home! he snipped back as the tears burned harder. the imperator sent you away and made mom busy! he didn't care about me and nanuq! then when i went to go see her again she was gone too, chasing after you! his voice far too loud for the peace of the hollow. if mereo is so great why does everybody seem to want to leave it?! HUH!?

and his voice shrunk and choked in the back of his throat. the beginning of a humiliating cry.

he wanted this to be good, he wanted to find some bit of peace seeing this man again. instead it left him feeling further and further away. detached and disjointed.

His question seemed to snap something inside Siku. There were tears and yelling. He was angry, and Kallik understood. Germanicus had sent him away, and Kallik had chosen to accept the mission. Aquene had left to find him. It had damaged their boys in a way he feared was irreparable. But he would never give up. Siku could hate him forever and Kallik would still try to fix things. 

He let his son spew his anger at him, his face blank aside from a faint frown, his demeanor calm. He had expected this. That hadn't made it any less painful. 

Son, I am sorry. I shouldn't have left. His voice was calm and careful. He wanted to explain how it wasn't his choice to be gone so long, but he worried it would only make things worse, like Siku would think he was just making excuses. Mereo is not to blame for me or your mother leaving; I am. The imperator did care about them, but without Kallik's guidance, they had not been prepared for Germanicus' rules. It wasn't easy to see the imperator's feelings based on words alone, but Kallik had always seen it in his actions. It was something he could have eased the twins into if he hadn't left.

sorry for double tags on this thread, but just wanted to make sure this is seen/noted/heard! either in this thread or elsewhere; if anybody from paleo wants to pop in let me know and i'll hold up on next reply

frustration boiled, heightened. somewhere between his choking voice he had found it in him to scream.

loud and piercing. all of the anger in his heart poured out in one sound. frustration with mereo, frustration with his mother's absence and his 'father' who suddenly returned.

he imagined that @Wylla or @Emmerich might hear it, maybe then he could be saved from this horrendous nightmare. some part of him wondered if nanuq might hear it too, somewhere out there.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY! I TOLD YOU MEREO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME OR NANUQ BUT— he sucked in a sharp, cold gust just to spew it back out. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT LISTENING. HOW AM I EVEN YOUR SON WHEN I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU?

Siku was right to think that Emmerich might hear his pouring of frustration. The young guardian had been worried for their new friend. The boy had come to Paleo to escape Mereo. He had expressed that he didn’t want to be a soldier, that he hadn’t felt at home in the canyon. The white-hooded boy had not questioned the other. He had delighted at the thought of a new friend and so it was this care and concern that had drawn him to where Siku spoke with his father.

Emmerich approached with a quiet step. His eyes shifted from the boy to the man with scars.

Were all the soldiers so frightening in their appearance?

Siku… are you alright? his voice spoke gently to the speckle-faced boy. Emmerich’s eyes shifted worriedly toward Kallik. The man was a stranger and it seemed he had made Siku upset. Would the young guardian be forced to step between them? Uncertainty welled inside him.

"kallik." he did know this man. the gargoyle was light at emmerich's side, regarding both the soldier and the boy who had come to live in paleo.
siku's distress was palpable, and his father's heart went out to each of them for this estrangement. 
"i do not think further discussion vill be vorthvhile," mahler said at last, crisply so, an indication that kallik should retreat for now. and it was in his eyes as well, not wariness but a firm request.

Kallik winced as Siku shouted at him. He had tried to prepare himself for anger from his son, but it didn't lessen the sting of it. Siku didn't know him, and that was Kallik's fault. Guilt and despair swelled in his chest and made it feel so tight that he struggled to draw in breath. He knew that anger and yet, he had still made his father's mistakes. 

A young wolf appeared and moved to stand near Siku, asking if he was alright. Kallik could see the uncertainty in his eyes as he looked between them. 

Kallik stood when Mahler arrived, offering a stiff nod to him in greeting. It hurt to feel like someone was protecting his own son from him, but he could see how upset Siku was, and he didn't want to make things worse. He felt like he was only doing more damage. He didn't know how to fix this, and it was clear nothing was going to happen today. This was his punishment for leaving his family—seeing anger and distrust in his son's eyes.

He nodded again at Mahler's words. Nothing he said would make Siku feel any better. With one last look at his son, he turned and left. Maybe he should have told him he would be back, or that Siku could come see him whenever he wanted, but it didn't seem like it would help. 

He returned to Mereo without his son, and with a heart full of shame.

if either of you guys want a follow-up i'm more than happy for one <3

he came a boy. tears and snot and fussing sobs.

he knew that paleo came to him at once. that familiar warmth found him when they spoke to him, for him.

he could not be here. seen like this. childish and so horribly distraught with a man he couldn't even really call father. how unjust it felt that the man had never been there and yet had so much sway over the growing boy's emotions.

he retreated at once, fleeing hastily to the other far reaches of the claim of paleo. hiding in a hollow that was hardly big enough for him.

last for me! <3

it was over after a moment. kallik was graceful in his respectful retreat. mahler watched him go and then siku dashed away.
he did not follow.
"manchmal haben väter und söhne sehr komplizierte beziehungen," he murmured to emmerich in german in case siku was still in earshot.
"go and seek him out, after a vhile. he needs a friend." he nudged the young guardian's shoulder. for now they could mark the borders and give siku some time to compose himself.

Archiving! <3

That had been Siku’s father?

Emmerich’s shock was visible on his features. The young guardian looked to his father with worry in his yellow eyes. The boy had always been difficult on Isa, but he had never spoken to her the same way that Siku had regarded his dad. They did not share any playful banter. This meeting had been harsh and cruel on Paleo’s newest member. Knowing that the visitor had been his own father…

Yes, papa, Emmerich said quietly.

After a long pause, we vill not be that vay. I vill never let it happen.

Emmerich departed the area to patrol for a while. He needed to clear his mind of the worry he felt for Siku. It was difficult to know that he could not assist the other boy. Helplessness did not feel good in the pit of his stomach.