Lion Head Mesa Shinzō-byō

satsu did not spend much time outside of her quarters these days.

she was feeling petulant.

it suited her well enough to be angry these days, to let her feelings be known to the fellahin when they came too close. she kept herself guarded against friendships with them. the last one, while undesired in the beginning, had caused quite the rift between the queen and her husband.

but that had been fixed, she thought now with a frown. she had gathered herself and thought to peruse the larder for something to snack on, and in treading the halls, earned glances from fellahin who should have been busy with other tasks.

she passed the room where @Crowfeather was kept, and saw the healer woman leaving him.

satsu thought to dismiss @Tavina as she caught her eye, but instead only gave a small nod, and glanced with some distraction at the doorway.

the queen of akashingo was not someone tavina understood. she was not dazzled in the same way. but she supposed it was her long service to plants. "your majesty," the sesh murmured, dipping her head at the door.

"can i bring you something?" while her primary duty was crowfeather and the herbal remedies, she was also in service to the royals as long as she resided here. tavina waited, eyes averted.

Cameo unless he's spoken to, I suppose.

Crowfeather stared through the doorway at Satsu, feeling the anger rise in his throat.

Tavina was there asking if she needed anything, but the dark wolf did not understand why the queen would stand outside the room in the first place. What was in the healing quarters that she might need? Did she not have a husband to tend to; children to bear for his royal majesty? The shadow could not help but feel like some kind of freak. He was only there for people to press their faces in on him and watch.

The dark wolf sighed and cast his gaze away from the women outside the doorway.

can I bring you something?
no; leave us. satsu did not wait for the dark woman to move.

she flowed to the doorway and beyond it, to where crowfeather lay. he could not meet her eye.

there she stood, silent, watching. a sigh drawing from her, tensely. she settled to her haunches beside his bedfurs and looked to the various things lining the walls; foodstuffs, medicines, oddities brought by tavina.

she wanted to say something but did not know what. the last time they had spoken, she and crowfeather, had left her broken-hearted.

tavvie out!

"very well."

by now, the sesh was accustomed to brusque dismissals. they no longer bothered her. she bowed low and turned, striding smartly down the hall in search of fresh air and a meal. later she would return to crowfeather.

Satsu dismissed Tavina. Crowfeather’s ears flattened at the sharpness in her voice.

For a long moment, he wondered if he could pretend to be sleeping. He was not certain he would know what to say. Something inside of him bubbled that he did not like. Fear… for his friend. How could it be so? The shadow did not understand, and he was not prepared to face a conversation with Satsu without collecting all the pieces of his memory. Only fractions had remained, none of them good.

Hello, Satsu… he spoke softly.

The gold of his eyes searched her face. Crowfeather swallowed, hoping to clear the lump that had formed in his throat.

How had so much changed?

she was studying a pile of something indescriminate upon the floor, piled across a bolt of fur, when he stirred.
her name upon his lips drew a momentary spark of surprise through her, followed by a little breath.

he watched her face. she met the gaze without issue, her eyes shockingly clear and cold, although she smiled to him. poised, queen-like.

crowfeather, she answered.

it has been.. some time, since i last visited. my apologies. try as she might to sound sincere about that, she could not. yes, she was much changed.

There was a crumpling in his heart that he did not understand. It was familiar and violently painful. The force of it had nearly knocked the air from his lungs.

Crowfeather did not know this woman.

He wanted her to leave, at once.

You are a queen now. I did not expect to have many visitors, if I’m being honest.

The shadow swallowed, swallowed, swallowed, but he could not force the lump in his throat to go down. The pain of his heart was excruciating. The pain of watching her stand there, cold, distant, businesslike – Crowfeather exhaled through his nose, hoping it would help him breathe or clear thoughts from his mind.

Are you happy, Satsu?

He did not know why he asked her. The shame and regret filled his features for only a second before his fluttering lashes chased it away.


Are you proud of who you have become?

she was not ready for his answer. it felt colder there at his bedside afterward.
the inclination came for her to say something further, but her tongue was heavy. besides, crowfeather held a question before satsu soon enough, and she was made quiet by it also, thoughtful, and perhaps a little bit stunned.

i will be happier knowing you are well again. she answered. the truth was, she hoped he never fully mended. he was much safer here within the mesa palace than on any adventure.

satsu let her answer linger in the air for a few minutes before she said anything else. a thin smile appears upon her face. a practiced expression.
do you... remember much before your accident?

The queen said that she would be happier when Crowfeather was well.

The shadow felt himself burn. Guilt and frustration swept through him. How could he doubt her so easily? What had happened to him to make him distrust the blue of her eyes and the kindness of her tongue? The dark yearling did not know, and he was not certain that he would ever discover what had severed the lines of faith he had once attached to Satsu.

A thin smile formed on her mouth. Crowfeather did not return the expression. He watched her warily, fearfully. When she spoke, it was to ask if he remembered anything that had happened before he had been injured.

I-

The shadow sighed softly.

There are pieces of things but I can’t make them whole. I don’t even know if they’re real memories.

Crowfeather swallowed and then searched Satsu’s face.

Did- Did we… fight?

she did not know what to say to him.

he had been split apart with his accident; with his maiming. pieces of things was all that he had. would it be worth it for satsu to fill in any blanks?

her mind buzzed. his question brought a warmth to her face before she could contain herself, control her reaction. a sigh comes next.

we... what could she say?
there was war on the horizon, crowfeather. a plan in place. you asked for my help.

he had wanted herbs to hide scent, and a spy; or so he had told her. his lies had brought him here. lies would not remedy the tension between them now, she feared.

do you recall the plan before the war? maybe these little questions would urge something in his mind to click together again. the queen looked weathered with worry now.

Satsu spoke of war and plans. Several more pieces fell into place.

Where the plan for a spy had come from, he was not certain, but he could recall asking her for things. The fuzziness had faded, only slightly.

The queen asked him if he could remember what the plan was, before the war. Crowfeather swallowed, the lump in his throat bobbed. He did not remember a plan beyond a spy. The young figure’s gaze searched the floor at his paws before they darted up to Satsu’s face. The shadow was pleading with her, fearful that something had gone terribly wrong.

I think there was a spy. Someone to go and find out what… the… bad wolves were doing?

Was that right?

there was pain in satsu. maybe it was the pain within crowfeather mirrored back to him, or maybe it was something different. she tried to hide it, but there was no way to contain it all.

as the boy recited what he thougth he knew, satsu gave a small nod. her smile returned and was a touch more genuine, yet still she was tense.

was it wise to speak of these things? they had argued; he had assumed as much or remembered it, and satsu did not want another round of it.

that was the plan. you asked me to find someone to serve in this way, while you prepared some other things. methods to keep them hidden, and such. it was her turn to swallow a lump. but you... you lied, to me. to your friend.

her voice was kind. strained, but trying.

you sent me on this fool's errand, and went yourself. that is why you are this way, now. it was not only the wound that had caused this, but his own choices. his betrayal.

The dark yearling listened to his friend recount their conversation.

Crowfeather could not understand why he would attempt such a thing. He did not know why he would seek to lie to Satsu – she meant so much to him. The dark figure searched her features without understanding. The expression upon his face seemed to twist with horror and worry.

Was this the reason why Germanicus had not returned, he wondered.

Satsu… I- I- words failed him.

I do not know why I would lie to you, Satsu. I am no warrior! I have no place in a war.

Information had been gained, but it had not made the dark wolf any wiser. Worries expanded in his mind. Crowfeather felt as though he had spent several months living the life of another wolf. Surely, the seer from the Starsea had not behaved in such a way.

When the inky wolf looked down to his paws, he breathed a shaky sigh.

I should have been left out there…

seeing him hurt now, as she retold the tale of his betrayal and his injury, should not have been satisfying. they were friends. and yet the queen could not put aside the simple, powerful truth of it.
as he spoke she frowned and was swift to reprimand him.
no, absolutely not.
i don't have any more answers for you crowfeather, but i can tell you this with my whole heart: you mean too much to me, to akashingo now, and there is no way i'd have let you be abandoned there.

her cheeks were red. there was a livliness to her eyes that had been so carefully hidden before, but now cracked and bled in to her expression the way water seeps from the surface of a frozen lake. she is incensed.

whatever your reasons for lying to me, and... and getting hurt, i have to trust that it was a good reason at the time. but she still could not fathom it; better to accept it and move on, at least as best she could.
she breathes, trying to ease back from the intensity of her own emotions. it is a difficult task to control what was set loose.

i know you dislike it here, especially so being confined to a sickbed. i should have visited more often, been a better friend to you - she shakes her head lightly and looks away from him, contemplative. when next satsu speaks it is with the controlled authority of a queen. be well, crowfeather. do not despair.

There was no peace that came with knowing that he had deceived her. It helped him to understand why things were so difficult, why she had been away for so long. Even as he looked at her, Crowfeather felt that she had changed very much from when they had first met. Something had made her harder. He did not know if his own actions had caused such a shift, or the lies, but he could not say that he liked it.

Every so often, when Satsu would speak to him, he would see a glimmer of her the way he had seen her before.

Crowfeather wondered if these parts of her had always existed. Perhaps, he thought, I do not know her well enough. Was it foolish, then, to have run across the wilderness to find her?

Satsu, I understand… you have a mate now. You cannot spend your time with- with- me. This was true, of course. He knew that he did not hold as high of a place as Ramesses would. They were paired together. She had wed him. To be honest, I do not know if I will stay here for long after I have healed. There are things I wish to do. But I would like to still see you, Satsu…

The gold of his eyes pleaded with her. 

How could he not despair? He felt so alone.

when he spoke it was with pain in his voice. she could see it in his eyes: this betrayal. to listen as he spoke of leaving made something within her hurt too.

silent a moment longer, letting the feeling ease, willing herself some control - and then she sighed.

you have much healing to do. we will speak more - about your plans, and anything else. she wanted to forbid him of these thoughts. he had abandoned her once and been maimed for it - so satsu thought, physicality would not hinder him, but perhaps the order of a queen might.

but she was not his queen. this too she remembered, with that ache resounding in her chest.

something froze in her eye.
rest now. I will visit again.
bending to his forehead, satsu lay a kiss there, and then as swift as it came she was departed.

If Crowfeather had not known better, he would have imagined that his visit from Satsu was something from a dream. She was there and then she swept away, leaving only the lingering scents of her husband and Akashingo behind.

The dark young wolf knew that she was right. He still had a good deal of healing to tend to. He would need to work hard to build the muscle back into the ankle that had been torn. Crowfeather knew that Tavina was brisk with her visits, but she didn’t do anything that outright hurt him. Time would tell how soon he could depart the mesa and search for Germanicus. The young seer would only need to be patient, until that time.

Crowfeather rested his head upon his paws and watched the exit where Satsu had left. His eyes did not close for hours.