Redhawk Caldera All the walls would fall around me

vague, could be after first or second Moonspear visit! But likely fine to be after the second.

There was an odd disjointment now to her roles. Coming home was a bit like being doused with cool water, but not necessarily in a bad way. Things weren’t as bad as when Chickadee was missing, but there was still a lot wrong, and Bridget quietly resumed her role supporting the ones going through it.

It was a little easier, though, knowing that she had an option for escape. The Moonspear lay only a short trip away and anytime she needed to, she could leave for a short span of time and forget, immerse herself in a momentary reprieve with the woman she was now “seeing”. That was about the deepest label she could put on it now.

Bridget smiled as she recalled it, though, and the memory warmed her up entirely through. She was trying not to be too immediately smitten but the truth was - it felt too good to feel that again. The medic shoved her nose back into the undergrowth, looking through for signs of chamomile that would soon flower. She was trying to mark out places where she could replenish this spring ahead of time. Thankfully it wasn’t a job that required a whole lot of attention… because right now she was enjoying feeling a little bit distracted.

Bronco had spent much of his time, after Reyes' death, alone. He felt no resentment for the space, only quiet, sad acceptance. The moments he had with Teya were cherished, but far fewer than what he would have liked, especially throughout the time where he had intended to spoil her rotten. But having lost his own father at a young age, Bronco could understand just how much Sorana needed her mother. 

Sometimes, he forgot about the feeling, but every now and again it blindsided him and left him cowering as he tried to fight off the white noise in his head. He fought the impulse to pluck the fur from his legs, knowing he couldn't show any signs of peril or it would worry his mate. He thought it would be best to give the medic some room too- losing a patient was tough- but at the end of the day...He realized that he needed to speak to her. 

Her scent hadn't been fresh in the territory for a few days, but he was not concerned; he knew she liked to go off into the wilds. So when she returned, he found her trail and followed along, until he caught sight of the three-legged medic, searching through the tangle of a bush. "I do that all the time," He called out, as a conversation starter that wouldn't be too heavy. "I hide things that are important, so I can't lose them, but I never end up being able to find them again." He said, assuming she was trying to find something she'd left behind.

Bridget pulled up abruptly, not so much startled as confused as it took her a moment to sort out what Bronco had said. Hmm? Her brain had to catch up with what he’d said. Oh, this? I’m just scouting plants, though I guess you could call that hiding things for later. In a sense. They won’t be much use right now but as soon as spring hits I’ll be ready. She grinned affably at him.

Her guess was he wasn’t there for a conversation about lost things, though, so she didn’t poke back down to continue. Instead she tilted her head a bit and appraised him, sitting down next to the patch. How are you, Bronco? Between duties at Moonspear and here, supporting Maia’s family and Teya’s, she’d not been able to check in with him since the whole situation went down.

Maybe he didn’t want to talk… but that would never stop her from asking.

He smiled faintly, before he looked up to try and get a notion of where exactly they were, already trying to think ahead so that if she ever came to him asking you remember that day I was looking for that ONE plant he might have an answer for her. "Quite the girl scout" He commented fondly. How she could even tell what those dried plants would be in the Spring was beyond him; most things without leaves all simply looked very similar: sticks, of various thickness. 

If she'd asked the question differently, he might not have assumed that she was asking him how he was in an effort to see how he was managing. He felt exposed, as though she'd been able to see right through the friendly greeting to know that he had something he wanted to talk about. It likely showed, to, as Bronco had never had much of a poker-face. He'd never learned to have one. He wilted, visibly, and sat down. 

"Well..." He sighed. He shrugged, struggling. "I don't...I didn't try to find you, so I could bother you," He said, looking mostly at the ground. "But I...I'm not...Doing so good...?" He had to regulate his breathing to even get the confession out. He'd never been good at stifling his emotions- he'd tried, but had learned that it only ever made things worse. "Can I....Tell you....or ask you a couple things, if you're not busy?" He asked, teary-eyed.

She was gratified, and a little touched, when he immediately confirmed her suspicions. Bridget always tried her best to be a listening ear, but opening up the way Bronco was right now took a hell of a lot of trust. She nodded, her expression and tone immediately slipping into the serious nature of the conversation. There were times for jokes; this wasn’t one of him. Of course. I have time.

She didn’t move to physically close the space between them, or to comfort him and acknowledge his emotions in any way beyond the attentive way she waited and listened. All of that could wait until later. Right now, at the start, she knew something like that could often make someone close off with embarrassment. It would be better to allow him to feel what he needed to feel in order to get through the telling.

He had so much to say. He felt Bridget was not only trustworthy, but wise enough to know how to handle the things he wanted to tell her. Fixing a leg, a wound, a bruise...It was all skilled work, of course- but to fix a heart, he knew, was something completely different. Still- he felt she could do it. It wouldn't be a poultice or mixture of herbs to consume to fight off all the bad but surely, she knew what loss looked like. It didn't seem to get all over her, the way it did for him, but perhaps she was simply better at hiding it. Maybe, in having treated so many wolves...She could help him figure out how to deal with it too. 

He sat silently, his lips wriggling as he tried to figure out how to word his thoughts, for quite some time. Her posture and silence tempted him to speak, and gave him a safe place to begin talking, but his thoughts became a whirling, aggravated hornet's nest of white noise. The same white noise that seemed to creep in whenever things got to be too much. Occasionally, he'd shrug, and draw in a breath as though about to speak, only to realize if he spoke, the feelings would only come out in a sob. He held his breath. He'd asked her if he could talk, and then just sat there, shaming himself for not being able to say anything. 

He decided to take a shaky breath, and rather than saying everything...It might be best to just start with one thing. The one thing that had been plugging up his thoughts, letting them grow and grow into something that was bursting from the seams. Be croaked out the question.

"I need you to be honest...Is there anything...I could've done?"

She waited patiently, relaxing where she sat while he struggled with what to ask. If she knew what it was about she could have given a hint or two, but she didn’t know enough about him or the things he’d been through to try. Instead she radiated steady calm and didn’t stare, letting him know with her body language that she wasn’t bothered with the silence.

The question he finally managed was one she likely could have guessed, but wasn’t the one she’d have expected first. She paused and thought a moment, trying to find a way to word it that might set his mind more at ease. Obviously her last reassurance hadn’t quite been enough.

There wasn’t. She let out a light breath, then looked at him with understanding. It’s one of the most important lessons a healer learns, but also one of the hardest. Sometimes there’s nothing we can do and sometimes we can’t save them. That doesn’t mean we don’t do our best every time. And that’s what you did - everything you could. More than most would even know how to do.

She wished, for Sorana’s sake, it hadn’t been the case. But she knew better than to blame herself. Everyone dies. When it’s our time, no one gets to choose. And sometimes the best we can do is make sure they aren’t alone.

She would have spared Sorana that moment, if she could, but maybe having even an instant’s reunion was better than never seeing him again. Eventually perhaps she’d be thankful to know that, in the end, he’d been trying. And in the end she’d been loved.

He listened, and tried to block out the white noise that hissed all of his doubts at him. 

She's saying this to make you feel better.She doesn't really mean it.She was doing something different to Reyes' body- maybe if you'd done that, it would've worked.She doesn't know that Reyes would've died anyway.Nobody could know that.Not just everybody dies, but everyone around you dies. Dad. Prim. Finley. Elwood. Wraen. Osiris. Hydra. Toad. Mom. Reyes.

He zoned out, trying to hear what Bridget was saying over all of it. He shouldn't be asking for her advice, only to tune her out. It felt wrong, to him, to simply think that all creatures died, and therefore, when it happened, it was supposed to happen. It was likely because he feared death, and if it was that inevitable, then it would continue to hunt down all the wolves that he loved- and him as well. 

"I find it so hard to believe there wasn't...Just...Something." He said. denial.there's surely something you could have done.You didn't blow air in his mouth.You didn't catch him before he fell. "Something I could've done." He exhaled softly. "Even if there was...He's gone. I can't bring him back to life." He murmured softly. 

He inhaled. "I have no reason to mourn Reyes. He...He's hurt my family many times, and he wasn't good to Teya, either. But Sorana loved him, and...." His brow furrowed. "And she's....She's never going to have him again, and I...I kind of hate him for that. I....I lost my Dad too, when I was just a kid, and I never wanted to see that happen to anyone, ever again. And I don't think....I don't think she's ever gonna talk to me now. Not after...Not after that."

This really was the hardest lesson. Bronco wasn’t a medic, so maybe he didn’t need to learn it, but she thought it was valuable enough to at least try. Especially if he was struggling with the guilt.

We can’t punish ourselves for everyone we lose. If we do that, we’re no good to help anyone who’s still here. You’re right, though. We can’t change what happened. It was rough. She’d lost patients before this and she’d lose packmates long after; it got easier to work through, but it didn’t get easier to see the fallout.

There’s always a reason to mourn someone who dies. She understood what he meant, but felt the need to gently push back on it. Just because someone was a stranger didn’t mean their death left no impact. But if you want to be a parent to her, that means what you want and what you feel doesn’t matter right now. All that matters is what she needs.

Bridget smiled, shaking her head. She’ll talk to you when she’s ready. Right now the best thing we can do is show her we aren’t going anywhere. And we can take care of ourselves, and each other, so that we are ready for her when she needs us. Teya too. Bridget silently hoped her friend was able to open up to Bronco in ways she’d never seemed to manage to with her.

So if there’s things like this you need to sort through, I don’t mind. Obviously. I think it will help her, eventually, knowing that you went through the same thing.

She made it seem as though it should be easier to move on from the guilt. She was probably right- but even knowing that, and feeling that, didn't make those guilty feelings go away, not immediately. He knew enough about negative emotions to know that sometimes, it just took time. He was not cut out for tending to the injured and sick; not when it was too easy for him to worry. Fortunately, there were wolves like Bridget, who had the strength to be able to push through those concerns and focus on what really mattered- the journey after a death. The life that continued- and the lives that had needs. 

He felt his emotions sink, hearing that his emotions weren't important. It was why he'd gone to speak to her, and he felt a little put off by her answer. He knew that Sorana's needs came first, and that was why he had never shown any amount of regret when Teya chose to spend time, or nights, with her daughter. He also felt uncomfortable with being saddled with parenting a child who wanted nothing to do with him. Especially after having just lost her father. "She needs her Mom, not me. So we've been spending less time together, so she can be with Sorana. I think...That's really all I can do, is just let them be together." 

What you want and what you feel doesn't matter right now.

The statement stuck with him, like a stubborn thorn. It burrowed deep into his subconscious- drawn out of context, and made into something Bridget had likely never intended it to be. There, it lay, dormant. Waiting. 

He could harden the shell around his heart a little bit. He'd have to. Bridget suggested some day Sorana might benefit from knowing that they had something in common, but he shook his head. "I don't know. Whenever I learn someone else's been through the same thing...I don't feel closer to them. I just feel bad, knowing they know what it feels like."

She watched him internalize it and dismiss it with a touch of regret. Not for her own words, since she could only say the things she knew. But for whatever had happened to him that clearly brought him here.

She won’t need you unless you are there. You can let her make that decision. But sometimes a father can just be the one who steps up, and loves them regardless of if they love you. She wanted to see it for both of them; for Bronco and for Sorana. Parenthood was giving regardless of what you received. It was accepting your kids for the good and the bad, and putting what they needed first until they were able to handle themselves.

If he didn’t get it now, maybe he would when Teya’s kids were born. She wouldn’t pressure him into a role if he didn’t want to take it. Bridget just hoped he wouldn’t miss his chance.

Everyone’s different. It isn’t just about you both going through something terrible. Its knowing she can talk to you about the things she’s feeling without being judged for it. And it’s about showing her that life goes on and that things can get better in spite of it. Sometimes that’s the hardest thing to see.

He was so caught in his own perspective, but that line of thinking was a trap sometimes. It focused every fault, and every outcome, on him - even the ones that had a dozen other reasons for being.

Something she said resonated with what Bronco had intended to do, all along. Regardless of how Sorana treated him, regardless of the huffs and eye-rolls and dismissals, he would be there. He could endure the cold shoulder, no matter how much it hurt him, and no matter how hard it was to not take it personally. "I...I always planned to do that," He said. "Y'know, even if she never comes around. She's Teya's daughter, so she's family. No matter how that family changes." He said. He shook his head. "I just hope....Maybe with time, she realizes that she's included." 

She was an expert at putting distance between them. And he was no good at figuring out how much he could tug at the reins, to pull her back in, without her feeling cornered and suffocated. He'd tried to save her father's life- and he wished that she at least saw something in him for that. 

"I...It's hard to get out of that." He admitted. "But...Yeah, you're right. It's....Kind of hard to do that, because it still just...It guts me, to think about it." He still dreamed about his father and whenever he awoke, he had to face the reality that his world was without him. But your thoughts and feelings, they don't matter, whispered the quiet voice. He was a father, and would be a father again- he'd have to keep those things that were too big even for him, away from his children. They were the ones who would need guidance and reassurance. If he succumbed to his own feelings, he'd be a burden, and would teach them that there wasn't a going forward. "You have to hide a bit of it, don't you. So they can see that it gets better?"

Bridget had wondered, but had feared otherwise when he talked about giving her space. She smiled a little, but with a relaxed humor. She didn’t want this to sound like a lecture. I don’t know if she’ll realize that on her own. She’s still just a kid. Sometimes they’re stubborn, and are already convinced of something that isn’t true. You might have to prove her wrong. A dad can do worse things than be annoyingly supportive.

It wasn’t an easy thing, to push yourself on someone who didn’t seem to want you. She wouldn’t blame Bronco if he gave up, but for Sorana’s sake, she hoped he didn’t. He wouldn’t replace Reyes but he could start to heal the damage done.

He wasn’t wrong, on either count. It was a hard thing to deal with but it was also not something kids needed to be burdened with. Cycles always had to be broken by someone.

From kids, yeah. But not from everyone. Just because someone is a parent doesn’t mean they can’t have shit to deal with. That’s why we have family, and friends, to help us through it. I’m always here to listen, even if it’s not about Sorana or Teya. He could talk about himself as well, and she’d try and help just the same. Even if helping became simply listening.