Swiftcurrent Creek How did I lose it when I was right there?

This thread is for me ok, no trespassing, beware of dog
Set for tomorrow

Reverie had thought that Lestan's return would bring with it some kind of mending, some measure of soothing; not wholly, but at least in part. She'd thought that she would feel better. But his presence quickly began to wear away at her. It often felt as if she could hardly see him over the palisade of hurt and betrayal built with each of the decisions he'd made these last weeks. There was no doubt in her mind that he could tell; sometimes she just couldn't hide it. Sometimes, when she reached for the warmth of the love that still existed between them, it simply... stalled within her, and she would freeze; her touches cooled and the passion died from her kisses as soon as they'd started, and tears would sting her eyes. Only sometimes. But even that was too often.
She had not managed more than a few bites of food since his rejection of her. Reverie knew that he would have noticed that, too, by now — and eventually Blossom would as well. The latter could not happen, and so when she next found herself alone, she chose something to force down. The thought of eating made her feel ill. She did not want to gain more weight; she wanted her body back, she wanted to feel beautiful again. She wanted Lestan to want her again.
Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much to love him.
And that mattered, now more than ever, because she truly had nothing else. Moss surely hated her now. Arric had not come to visit since Lestan's return, and so she could only assume the same of him. Akavir had never liked her, and she wondered now if he would even want her here anymore. It was funny, really, the way everything had fallen apart so quickly. For the briefest moment in time, Reverie had almost felt that she was getting somewhere. She'd bonded with her packmates, settled herself in a way she'd never managed before, even taken up healing again without much of a hitch —
And then she had thrown all of it away for Lestan, who in the end had not even chosen her the way she'd wanted. Reverie didn't think she could ever forget that. Sometimes, when she thought about it too much, she was filled with a feeling that scared her. A wild sort of hopelessness, a reckless urge to take Blossom and run. If Lestan could not stay for her, why should she stay for him? In the end what kept her was the fact that Blossom was too young for such a journey. Reverie sometimes wondered if Lestan sensed how close he was to losing her even now.
But overwhelmingly she felt that none of her feelings truly mattered, not anymore. She'd made her decisions, and now all she could do was take stock of the doors still open to her and choose one. The door to her own happiness, if it had ever really existed, was long closed. So she made her choice for Blossom now.
Reverie picked reluctantly at her chosen meal, because she had to feed her daughter. Still, knowing it did nothing for her lack of resolve. She could not muster any enthusiasm for it, and so it would be slow-going and painful until the meal was done.