Ghost Lion Crag i will not let my future go on without the help of my soul

dated 1/4/19 - hoping for a @Wraen <3

following arcturus' rather unfortunate encounter with Towheat The Mankiller, arcturus could not bring himself to go home.

not yet.

for one, there was no hiding his shame. it exuded out of him like a rank miasma, and anyone would be able to see and taste it. for two, towhee's scent still lingered on him, persistent in its presence. he rolled and rolled in the snow, rubbed against pine-boughs until his normally perfectly smooth fur was disheveled, and still, he imagined he could scent her within every blade of dark hair on his hide.

he wanted so badly to return home - to talk to someone about what had happened. he was still so wildly out of sorts about it himself. it wasn't just his feelings that had been hurt -- he felt violated to his core, to be used and then cast aside like he wasn't even worth a conversation! how could someone treat another animal that way?

for a senseless organ, he bitterly noted his dick sure had a lot of emotions about all of this.

arcturus' first instinct was to tell @Dirge, but he knew it would come at a great cost: the man's high impression of him. for that, arcturus stayed in the crag, and vowed to keep his union with towhee a secret from moonspear for as long as he could.

there were no others he could turn to. hydra would be furious, and he dared not endure her rage. once he had sworn he would keep nothing from her, and now he was breaking that promise as he had promised he would never do.

how could he fuck up so many things, with one "simple" fuck?

there was only one other friend in the world, that he trusted to cast his shameful stone upon. wraen. part of him wished to hide his lapse of judgment from him too, for he still was breathless when he recalled them sparring -- and he knew, he might have ruined his chances with her by bedding towhee. but she was worldly. she was kind.. and arcturus needed both in this moment.

staggering through the dark, arcturus waited fitfully for dawn to come. when it did, he threw back his head and howled for wraen, hoping against hope she might be nearby, and could be the maiden to salve his tender sorrows.

Towhee might have left the Firebirds, while not in heat yet, but once the spring bloom began to flow in the vessels, there was no way of hiding that fact. The scent particles were small, but potent. And when Wraen caught the first whiff of it in the air, she began to feel both giddy and restless. She went on a chase to find the source, while in the back of her mind she heard the warning bells of, what could happen, if this she-wolf was one of her subordinates. 

It came as a bit of a surprise that the person, who was draped in the scent, was not a female at all. For a moment there Wraen wondered, if her mind had played a trick or if there had been some important piece of information that her mother had left out of the talk. Like - men going in heat? Was that a real thing? She did not feel like asking would be a polite thing to do (though she was bursting from curiousity), until - surprise, surprise - the tall, dark stranger in the darkness (where all wolves look alike) called for her. Turned out to not be a stranger at all.

"You are wonder of the nature, you know?" Wraen greeted Arcturus with a whimsical smile. She could not see or sense his down-trodden mood. "I did not know that men in season was a thing, but here you are and smell..." she lifted her muzzle and sniffed the air, "positively delicious."

men in heat LMFAO

arcturus waited, fussing terribly as time went on. what if wraen did not come? or worse yet, what if she came, saw what became of him, and left? this thought seemed unbearable to the beta, who grew more besides himself by the minute.

at last (subjective. the reality was, he hadn't waited very long at all) wraen appeared, though arcturus noted there was a dreamlike quality to her gaze. as if she was looking for something, scenting something. he felt something plummet in his ribcage - guilt, heavy as a stone.

for that scent was him or specifically what he had done, and the cat (er, dog) was well out of the bag by now.

that whimsical smile was enough to push arcturus to the edge of hysterics. he didn't understand the joke, and it took several seconds for his whirling mind to process what had been spoken. "what? no." he blurted, ears back. "wraen." he held her in his gaze, sincerity deep in those sunflower yellow eyes. "i fucked up. big time."

Wraen tended to forget that Arcturus had no sense of humour, but it made him all the more hilarious to be around. So - the young man had popped the cherry - and looked... devastated? How interesting. He might not have been man in heat that she had thought of before, but he was still a wonder of nature. Because from what she had heard - men took pride in the fact. Unless he was taken advantage off in the most gruesome way, which... Wraen could not fathom. Hydra's brother, mercenary, proud Moonspearan of all people.

"That explains some things," she remarked, holding back laughter. "But, why the long face?"

arcturus was stung by the glint of humor in wraen’s gaze. just as she had forgotten he could be a bit of a wet blanket when it came to humor, arcturus, in his own despair, had forgotten wraen was clever enough to see the hilarity in just about any situation.

but this wasn’t funny! he’d made a grave mistake — and in doing so has compromised everything.

the beta’s expression contorted into one of anguish. it had been nearly half a day since his rendezvous with the dark woman, and still he felt shame cling to his pelt. it wasn’t just that towhee had hit it and quit it — it was that she had, in a single moment, challenged every idealization arcturus had surrounding breeding. i don’t even know her name! he blurted again, feeling a rush of tingling red thrum along his cheeks. i— shouldn’t have done it. his words took on a lamenting tone, and arcturus sunk to the ground with his gaze downcast.

"It was that bad? I heard that sex was supposed to be fun," Wraen told Arcturus sympathetically, though the amused glint in her eyes was still there. She could not see the reason, why her friend should feel very upset about the situation. Especially, since it looked like a one-night-stand kind of thing with the other party being totally disinterested.

"Maybe start from the beginning," she suggested, knowing that she continued to yank Arcturus's chain, he would either break down completely or go to cry on someone else's shoulder. As funny as the situation seemed to her, it was very serious to him. "Tell everything that happened and I am sure that it is not as bad as you make it sound."

in hindsight, arcturus had probably committed 'stupid mistake #2' by instantly going to wraen for consolation. her good-natured teasing was just too much for the beta, who would have much preferred she be pragmatic in the height of his hysterics. but then, she wouldn't be wraen, would she?

he let out a flustered sigh, ignoring the teasing in her voice. "i don't.. even know." he felt positively embarrassed to even be discussing such affairs with wraen - a female -- especially when they were private matters. he supposed 'private' had gone out the window the second he had gone calling for her for a little shoulder to cry on.

"i don't know what came over me. i was just there and saw her, and she came at me and asked me.." here he looked away, cheeks blushing crimson. "if i wanted some.." he couldn't really say it, could he? oh god, he had to say it. "some fuck." his tone was hushed, cowed by his own shame. "and i don't know how it happened so fast. i didn't want her to leave and she said she was going to, so i tried to stop her and then it was like.. we touched — and... " he hedged a deep sigh, the guilt deepening. "it was like i lost control, but that was what she wanted..?

i just..  i thought it was supposed to be special... but it doesn’t feel special. instead, it feels like i was used." poor stupid boy that arcturus was, he did not realize that often it was the reverse for women, and that his gender had gotten off relatively scotch-free since time immemorial. for him, this was a whole new side of emotions he was experiencing — and none of them felt good.

"You were used and it sucks big time," Wraen replied, no longer feeling inclined to joke about Arcturus's ordeal. It was not so much about him getting the kick out of his first time, but feeling underappreciated. She observed him in silence and thought that it was a great loss for that girl to never find out that Ostrega boy was not just his good looks and the right piece of anatomy in the proper place. He was person of value, a bit naive and conservative in his ways, too sheltered in Moonspear's environment and oblivious to all the colours of the world outside it's borders. But even with all that he was loyal, he gave sense of stability and security, and she felt that he would have so much more to give, if he had a loving and sincere person next him. 

"Umm... shame is not going to take you a long way, in your place I would rather look at, what you learned from this experience," she did not know, where to start and where would her speech lead her to yet. "For one - you found out that there is a difference between plain lust and love," said she and before carrying on, she wondered, if anyone had given Arcturus a proper Talk, or just fed him the biased nonesense that only Moonspear believed in (or claimed to do so, because she highly doubted that Charon had practiced, what he had preached in his time). "Lust gives you pleasure for a short while, it conjures short-lived infatuation that you can mistake for love, but it wanes just as quickly. And it is way easier to fall for this in spring than in any other season. Nature makes sure of it," she smiled. In her time Wraen had occasionally "fallen in love" with one person or the other. Over the years, however, she had learned to discern, where her ovaries were doing the thinking for her and where her brain interferred. 

"Second - you found out that you are not one-night-stand kind of person. Believe me - there are many men around, who would have taken that offer without a blink of an eye and would not have thought much about it afterwards," Wraen explained. "For you just "fooling around" is not enough, you want to have more. Which - in fact - leads us to the point number three - for the first time in your life you have been forced to think, what is that you want in your life?"

that was such a heartfelt post!! <3

as emotional as arcturus was presently, he was aware his grip was slipping -- and he half-expected wraen to tease him further for it.

instead, she seemed to figuratively pull herself up by her bootstraps, and the way she addressed him thereafter surprised arcturus. it was as if she saw him truly -- bitterly, arcturus wondered why it couldn't have been her there in that fateful hour, and not the succubus that had taken his innocence and then denounced it to the wilderness.

as if it weren't something precious to hold onto.

no one had ever explained the season, or the more nuanced particulates of it (such as sex, and what comes after) to arcturus. it was not for lack of trying. surely, his parents would have taken him aside and educated him when he was ready.. but they had died nearly a year before he would ever find that secondary hunger awoken in him.

all he had as guidance was how things were done on the 'spear. hydra expected mates, children -- this caused his gut to clench, for he had neither, and believed this would come at significant shame to his family. but here was wraen, counseling him and telling him there was a difference -- that the act could be measured, and was not all one and the same.

lust, or love?

his shoulders sagged as he thought of the weight of her question. certainly what he had wanted had not been what had happened. he had never really given his future as a husband much thought, other than someday, he expected to be successful in that regard: to him, his life could be measured as well-lived if he was a good partner, with a strong wife, and healthy children.

the enormity of that future life terrified him. perhaps the stranger had done him a kindness, cutting him from that narrowing cord. what is it you want in life? right away he knew the answer: to make his parents proud. to be the best man he could be, for himself, for his future, for moonspear. how could he articulate all of that, without sounding cheesy?

he fumbled instead. "i don't know." a lie -- his downcast gaze would surely betray him. "i mean, i know. it just sounds lame." mumbling with his face cast downward, arcturus dared not meet wraen's gaze -- what if he saw derision, or worse, mockery in her eyes?

"i thought it was supposed to be that when it happened, that was who you were with, forever.. and that was the person you chose, for your mate and for children.. and that sharing it would be special, or i don't know.. does this mean in the future --" he paused, choked again by that unsettling feeling of unworthiness. "does that mean i am sullied? will it change things -- have i thrown away my shot?"

"Not knowing yet is as good answer as any," Wraen told him. She would not have laughed at his goal, but would have probably gently reminded that his parents were gone and there was no one there to tell Arcturus that he was a good boy and had done the right things. Ghosts did not praise. "I am older than you and I do not know either. I have dreams, I have ideas - but... they change as years go by. You do not get everything you wish for in your life, but sometimes it gives you something valuable instead. Unexpected, the least likely, unthought of even. A surprise," she mused.

"For me it does not matter, where my road will end, but it is fun to keep going," Wraen finished her thought and sighed. It was not always easy to keep focus on the winding path, when so many around her seemed to get exactly, what she had once wanted. The knowledge that fate had something different in store for her did not help much to soothe the sadness she sometimes felt for the domestic bliss other people had. "I don't think you have missed your chance. Rather use this experience to be a better person. Treat the next girl you meet nicely, don't "just fuck" her and leave, because you know, how shitty that feels," she looked him earnestly in the eyes and she hoped very much that he would follow her advice and would not go on a revenge spree.

"Arcturus... there is no shame in feeling... being vulnerable. It shows that you have got a heart. Don't let it starve, while serving to ideals that are not your own. You crave something that Moonspear cannot provide," she spoke looking in the distance now. "I think it will be best for you, if you considered going out in the world and learning more about the ways of people. More importantly - about the way that is right for you."

arcturus fell silent as wraen spoke, confiding that she too, did not have all the answers. it was a strange sort of consolation, that -- knowing someone older, and far wiser, had not sorted all the pieces together either.. arcturus felt the tension he held in his body leaving as he sighed again. he did not think his ideas or dreams would change -- but who knew?

it was fun to keep going. or maybe fun was not the word for it, for arcturus. maybe it was that he had to keep going. there was no other alternative.

he met wraen's earnest gaze in full, quailing somewhat from the intensity of it. he had not learned much in that moment except for heartbreak, but seeing wraen take all his problems and sort them out, easy as pie -- it made him realize, maybe he needed that age and that wisdom she had.. it all seemed to come so easy for her..

he did not like where her speech went, however. it hurt, to hear her suggest there was something lacking in the 'spear. that he craved something his home could not provide. just like that, the tenderly opened flower that was arcturus' vulnerability clapped shut -- he did not want it to, but it did all the same.

"i'm not leaving my home." arcturus countered thickly, feeling at once oddly numb, and oddly overwhelmed. something within him told him to stop caring, to just give up. it didn't make any sense to him, this callous world he lived in. he had just done something he had dreamed of doing for months -- and he felt like absolute shit after the fact. none of it made any sense to the mountaineer, least of all, how the stranger had just wanted brief interaction and no contact.

to him, it felt a hollowed out victory -- and he would not forget that sensation for some time.

"Then you might miss your chance," Wraen told him plainly. Arcturus's answer did not come as a surprise and she was not going to try and change his mind. After all, did she know him that well? Just because she had never felt at home at Moonspear, would have suffocated in their ranks, never being able to spread her wings, did not mean that it was the same for him. Maybe she was wrong, maybe he had got his safe and comfortable place there, maybe that love of his life would join his pack later today. Or tomorrow. Or never at all. You never knew.

"I have to return," she told him, getting up to her feet and stretching. There was really nothing left for them to talk about and she felt the familiar wave of tiredness take over. Wraen had not eaten since day before yesterday and wanted to sleep. By the end even this conversation had taken much out of her, she was emotionally drained as well. "Take care, Arthur," she bid him goodbye, touched his cheek gently and began to pad towards home.

then you might miss your chance. arcturus stared after wraen, unseeing -- what did that mean? what did it mean? he would think of that statement for a long time - perhaps longer than appropriate.. for it left him even more bewildered than his encounter with towhee had.

much like with towhee, arcturus didn't want wraen to leave. he watched helplessly as she got up and stretched. did she really have to go? a new hurt welled in his heart, which he refused to show.

his gaze lifted in surprise as he felt wraen brush his cheek. how he wanted to linger in that moment -- but it was neither fair, nor right. he watched her mournfully as she turned around and made for home. he should have fought against it - he should have done anything but pull the plug here -- but all he could do was watch in rueful silence as wraen walked away.

all the while, the heat of her gentle touch still burned along his cheek long after she had gone.