Stone Circle To you I’m probably a light sadness

@Indra @Laurel @Valette

Hiding did little good—that was a fact of the matter, irrefutable, clear as glass. At any point in his life when things turned out differently from how he wanted, he had run and hid away. Although always quick to stand up and fight anyone that dared to look at him sideways, the true demons that haunted him were creatures that he was never able to muster up the courage to take on. So, he ran. He ran, he hid, and then the cycle would repeat itself over and over again; it was a vicious cycle, giving no one any peace of mind, nor allowing him to truly heal. The wounds were left to fester and poison him, driving him to things that only ever made matters all the worse.

Maybe it was time to stop hiding.

Before he even realised where he was or what he was doing, Alexander was loitering around the outskirts of a place he never thought he would return to. A place that, despite housing family, did not feel like home—but home was not always something absolute, it didn’t always strike someone with immediate feelings of awe and belonging. In a true home, those things developed over time, and they oftentimes grew stronger than anything that came immediately—and he wanted that strength, that place in the world—

—he wanted to belong for once in his life.

So he called for them, for whomever might listen.

oh, indra had not been surprised when her chance meeting with xan resulted in him fading away; that's what he had always done, right..? hide when things were hard? leave the gritty dealings to those around him, who often needed him most just as he started to fade away.

but she had been surprised to hear his howl. she resolved to not get her hopes up, for they had soared into the air light as a hawk on the wind, only to plummet heavy as a stone too many times.. and eventually, those hopes don't bounce back up. they stay in the ground where they land, shattered and irreconcilable.

indra's gaze was not warm as she strode to meet him, nor was it hostile either. had they gotten closer in their last meet, and was the thrumming of her heart normal or something new? she simply regarded him warily, wondering why he had come -- he was the ghost of her past that would not quit, and she had resigned herself to this reality with wearied acceptance.

Valette heard the familiar sound. It could be no other than her brother. The female had always been familiar with his sounds. The female wondered what he wanted from her. But then she realized that he might not be here for her. His whole familiar was in Easthollow at this moment. She had taken in Indra, Laurel, Marten, Lukas, and even Piper. So it might be that he was not looking for her at all. Still, she wanted to go and see him, just in case. She wondered how he was doing.

The female trotted to the border. Indra beat her to it. She was glad for the female. She had found great respect for her after she fought for Leta's life. Valette stopped next to her and greeted her in a friendly matter before turning to Xan. Her expression was a bit warmer compared to Indra's. Valette had always been rather warm but she was still skeptical about her brother and his past actions. "Xan. I didn't expect you here," she admitted but then offered him a softer smile. She stepped forward. "Are you well?" She wasn't sure if he looked that... well. Did he know his father was here?

When she came she brought silence, not a single sound to greet him by. His ears slid back, stuck to his crown like glue, his own weariness unmasked. He could hear the steady thumping of his heart, as deafening as it was, all other sounds of the world around them drowned out. You see, Alexander had not planned out what was supposed to come next. What should he say? What should he do? He couldn’t answer his own questions, not when his being there was derived from an impulse—for as much as he sought to belong, it was from a moment of absent mind that his being there was bred. Per usual, he had not thought about her or Laurel, what either of them might want, or if either would even give him the time of day. But despite everything, despite all that he had done or didn’t do…

There she was.

He lowered his head and averted his gaze, struggling to formulate even just one word. There was so much that he still wanted to say but he didn’t think now was the time; to unleash his own personal hell without warning seemed selfish, to say the least. But… “Indra, we need to talk.” And no sooner did he speak did his sister then appear, closing the distance with ease and carrying herself closer yet.

“I never told you I was coming,” he told her, yet his eyes were still trained on Indra and pleading silently. He didn’t want to look away, believing that doing so might result in her disappearing but, eventually, he had to; Valette wanted to speak and he could nor ignore her, just as he could not speak his ugly truth with her being there. So he did what he had to and turned to look at her, answering with, “I’m not.” The question stood as to whether or not he had ever been well, honestly. “But I’m trying to get there,” he ended. Trying—but not necessarily succeeding.

indra knew her silence would be construed as cold -- and cold as she was, she did not soften the pause that cut between them. if she felt sorry at all for the dampening she had given his homecoming (could it be called that?) she did not show it -- and she was not about to relent any either, even as xan stated they needed to talk.

about what? she thought almost instantly, ears pricked at the sound of valette approaching. whatever they had to talk about was cut short by the matron's arrival, but indra did not mind -- for it was valette's home, not hers.

she stepped back, quiet gaze settling on xan. whatever questions brimmed on the tip of her tongue (most notably, why aren't you well, why are you here?) were stilled, for she recognized the conversation was largely in valette and xan's court now. after all, she was his brother -- surely, they had some catching up to do.

Everything was so fallen apart, and Laurel had not been well. She ignored the call when it came at first, even though it rung a distant bell. A ghost from the past of sorts, a distant memory. But as she let it simmer in, it hit her like a brick to the face when she thought more of it; it wasn't just any ghost from the past -- although most were unpleasant -- it wasn't just any distant memory.

It was Xan.

The mother approached, but she did not go all the way to the borders. She had pups, after all, and could not go too far. She had told them to stay put, and hoped they would -- and if not, surely Piper would make sure they were safe in her absence. Laurel approached the borders feeling like a ghost, empty and drained, struck in the face by his appearance alone. She tried to get her life on track, so why was he here? To destroy it all again?

Laurel warily watched from a distance. She didn't hear what they spoke of -- Xan, Indra and Valette -- but she watched from afar, unable to draw herself nearer.

Valette frowned when Xan answered. It was logical that when she didn't expect him that he would not have told her he was coming. It seemed to her that Xan wanted to speak to Indra instead of her. His eyes stayed on the reddish girl while he spoke. Then finally his eyes turned to her and Valette's face turned into a frown. She was a bit hurt that he didn't even bother to show that he cared for her as his sister. At least he didn't lie to her about his well being.

She was at loss what to say to him as his answers didn't really kept the conversation going. Valette turned to Indra who had a cold and distant look on her face. Valette hadn't even noticed Laurel being in the background. "Are you here for Indra?," she asked then, stepping back to give the other space. I didn't seem like she was happy to see him. "If you prefer talking to her only you should say so," she stated in return. Though she wasn't sure if Indra wanted her to leave or not.

Xan did not immediately noticed Laurel in the background. His mind was preoccupied, as were his eyes as they drifted steadily between his sister and Indra. He wanted so desperately to speak with the latter, to spill his guts in a manner that he was not familiar with, but he doubted how capable he was of doing so with Valette there; they were siblings but, despite having shared a womb so long ago, they were not that close. But he could see how he hurt her by being so dismissive and his ears flattened further against his head, nervous and uncertain. He had not meant to hurt her by trying to mend things with another but it seemed that, that was what he had done in the end (he wasn’t so sure that he enjoyed being exposed—he certainly wasn’t a fan of perceiving the feelings of others over his own). But, hey, it was hard to learn and grow when the better portion of your life was spent being a self-centered jackass.

“I—” Was it a trick? Was he allowed to talk to Indra over her, outside of her own home? “Can I… am I allowed to talk to her…?” Uncertainty was not something that he wore very well; the churning of his stomach and the increased pounding within his chest were things that he would never get used to, not in a million years. It made him feel terrible, like he should turn and run and hide just to get it all to stop—but wasn’t that what created this mess, to begin with? He couldn’t do it again.

“I want to talk to you both,” he added moments later. “Just... not together? Okay?” He couldn’t bring himself to do it. There were too many eyes on him, too many listening at once. No matter how he tried to form the words they just would not come, frightened off by the sheer fact that there were two of them—

—and then two turned to three as his eyes slid past the both of them, catching sight of Laurel in the distance. Her presence alone froze him right to the core and he felt something akin to a hunk of ice drop into his stomach. Suddenly, his throat felt dry and he swallowed a few times, trying to collect himself but it was to no avail. “I don’t know what I’m doing…” he murmured whilst averting his gaze to the ground, officially stuck. This wasn’t something that he knew how to do.

indra did not much enjoy this; she felt somehow at odds with the situation, and resented the way unease seemed to radiate off of xan. she glanced to valette, something in her expression saying to please not go. she did not want to talk to him alone, not when valette was already here -- she couldn't explain why, but it made her feel as if she was being rude to the woman who had graciously provided them a home.

her thoughts on the matter were halted swiftly as she followed xan's gaze in confusion. even from this distance, indra could see laurel's expression clearly. it lanced through her sharp as a cruel papercut -- indra swallowed thickly and steeled her gaze as she looked at xan. "make it right." indra said, her voice on edge and thick. she stepped back, her stomach tight.

She stayed about thirty meters away from the borders, unable to hear anything of the conversation that went on between the three of them. Laurel felt as though she had been halted by some invisible force, something harsh and cold that had stopped her in her tracks, made it impossible to move forward. She had pushed Xan away from the forefront of her mind after he had betrayed her time and time again, she had made him a ghost of her past that she didn't need to see ever again. It felt like an impossibility that he would show up here now, like this, to haunt her once more.

Laurel wanted to move forward but there were a few things stopping her, even apart from the traumatic reaction to seeing Xan. It was Valette who had provided them with a home for her children to grow up in, who was related to Xan; Laurel couldn't just tell him to get lost in front of his own family, who lead this pack to boot. And then there was Indra who he'd been talking to. What did they talk about? Was it her? What was Indra doing with Xan? All the irrational thoughts made her feel jealous and conspired against with every second. Indra stepped aside, and Laurel just watched between Xan and Valette now, unsure what was going on and not sure she wanted to find out, either.

Valette caught the glance from Indra. The female didn't want her to go? Valette respected that. She had heard glimpses of what her brother did to them. In fact, she had heard Laurel curse about her brother before she and her sister joined. Valette knew that this was going to be a decision that was probably going to change her relationship with her brother forever. She would do anything for her family, but she had to decide who was her family. Easthollow was her family. She was the leader and protector of Easthollow. Xan was never part of her life, not really. Xan was not part of Easthollow. Valette made herself bigger and lifted her head in a statelier position. Indra's words confirmed enough. She stepped forward and in front of Indra.

"No, you may not speak to Indra privately," she spoke to her brother. Her voice clear and not as soft as it had been before. Indra had not been pleased with his surprise visit. Plus, she spoke of Xan making it right. Her tail raised slowly. She had been taking care of the wolves he was suppose to take care of, as a husband, as a father. Her expression did soften slightly when the male admitted that he had no clue what he was doing. He had never been taught the act of asking for forgiveness from their mother. She never got to show him her caring nature. He was raised in such a different environment than her. Her poor brother. She didn't wish for him to be broken and alone. On a path of destruction. He had disappointed many, and perhaps, facing them all at the same time was an immense feat. "Perhaps you can start with apologizing to Indra. Show that you have regret for what happened," Valette returned, trying to at least offer him a paw in this situation. Even though, Valette was clueless what he precisely had done to the sisters. Valette kept her stance as she did not want Xan any closer than he was now.

By being there, he knew things could go wrong and they could go wrong quickly. But everything? All at once? That he had neither expected nor planned for, and it left him struggling to decide what he should next do. Laurel would not come closer and Indra would not speak to him beyond instructing him on what to do—but that had been his intention all along, to try and make things right. To expose and explain himself, let them hear his side to things. But Desna just wasn’t willing to let that happen. And perhaps she didn’t even realise exactly what it was that she was doing, that she was hindering his ability to speak freely; he couldn’t blame her for being unaware but, in the back of his head, a tiny voice insisted that he should. She would not leave so that he could speak to Indra, she would not even move away. All she did was suggest that an apology be issued—but didn’t she know just how many times he’d apologised already? Why didn’t she know?

Alexander’s expression steeled and his body stiffened. She didn’t know—she didn’t know anything and he wasn’t about to enlighten her. “I did,” was his reply. “I apologised to Indra already. I apologised to her for everything.” For everything that he had done, knowingly and unknowingly. But he hadn’t apologised to the one person that he knew he should, the one that he had hurt the most. Would she even allow him to? He looked past the both of them—his gaze lingered on Indra for a second longer than on his sister, a pleading look briefly flickering across his face—and towards Laurel, expression softening. “If you won’t let me talk to Indra, let me talk to her,” he said next, gaze never leaving the mother of his children. There was a moment where he nearly sprung forward to close the distance between them but he resisted the urge—for the time being. What good would it do, after all, when Desna would still be there to stop him.

Why was nothing ever easy?

seeing laurel had been enough to dismantle indra's confidence, but then having valette take her side -- well, it unraveled the redleaf. she wanted to be strong in this moment, to hold herself together -- but so much had happened, and so much of it beyond her control.

indra's stomach had already felt tight, but seeing valette protectively sweep alongside her made her stomach flip -- for she knew that in that moment valette had weighed her position heavily and sided with her, not her family. not xan.

never, not once in indra's life, had anyone taken her side save for laurel -- no one had ever stood up for her, or put their neck on the line for her, or even made others stand down.. indra felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and guilt crowd her senses -- this woman, who had given them everything (safety, a home, a sense of belonging) was now casting aside her family for her and laurel?

and she felt guilty too, for she wanted xan to be part of her life, in that inexplicable way one is attached to someone no good for them. she did not wish for him to be crucified, but she didn't much care for the way he had carelessly woven in and out of her life, disrupting the tapestry of her life's events, snaring in permanent knots the blips in which he had passed back and forth like snarls of thread in a patchwork, a pendulum ever swinging and never staying.

(maybe she was stupid for hoping he'd stay this once.)

indra's expression was anguish as xan spoke his piece, explaining he had apologized -- and he had, but no apology would ever change the course their lives had taken since he had allowed them in bearclaw. indra did not want to think for a moment of how different their life would be -- it was too discouraging for words. she wordlessly took in a shaky breath but remained by valette, cursing the fragility of her own emotions. off in the distance was laurel -- she could feel the glare of her sister somewhere, and she looked miserably onwards, refusing to meet either xan or laurel's eyes. "go, then." indra ushered, holding fast to valette's side.

The woman missed everything that was said between the others standing there, far off. A distant dream, it was, as if watching a scene that you weren't truly part of. As if watching something safely, knowing it could not affect or touch you, not truly. That bubble remained for the moment as she stood and watched them interact, watched their body language. Valette stepped in, the physical gesture small but visible even at this distance; if not only from the reactions of those around her. Indra faltering a bit. Xan looking as though he had been insulted rather than him being the one who was insulting, and then looking apologetic the next moment, and then back to being insulted. A lot was going on there, but nothing that she wanted to be a part of. Just a whole lot of hurt that she was trying desperately to avoid.

Perhaps if she had been there Laurel might be offended by Valette sticking out her neck like that. Would've felt she could do it all on her own. More reasons why it was a good thing that she wasn't out there. She wanted nothing more badly than to be protected from him, but she also wanted nothing more than for things between them to be good again. But it was too little, too late. Had to be, because she couldn't let her life be shaken up by him again like it had before. Couldn't let him take control of her feelings again like that.

Indra stepped aside, opening the way. Laurel suddenly became painfully aware that Xan was looking at her. He looked at her in a way that she had wanted him to look at her for some time when their children were little. But now... It just felt like a lot of too little, too late. She chewed her lip and hoped that the bubble could persist, that the dream would not end, that they would stay there and she would stay here and she could simply stand here and watch them until they went away or until she went away.

Valette had not been aware of the things she was breaking down for Xan but for her it was clear once she had made that decision. The ones that were in Easthollow, they were her pack, they were her family. Xan had not been in her family for a long time. She could understand that he considered Indra and Laurel as his family seeing they had children together, but at least one of the females was not keen on talking to him. That was saying a lot. Valette slowly nodded at her brother. She had the feeling that what he did to them was not a simple as saying sorry and it being forgiven. No he had done far worse.

Valette turned her head to look over her shoulder. And there, in the distance, was Laurel. But she had not come close to the border like Indra had. Valette was not sure how long Laurel had stood there but what recently went down with the female Valette felt that Laurel wasn't keen on talking to Xan either. She had been the one of the sisters that she heard cursing about her brother. "If she wanted to talk to you she would have been here standing next to me and letting me know that she wanted to talk to you in private," Valette returned to her brother. She knew Laurel by now.

Valette took one step forward and made herself look bigger. "I don't know what you did, Xan. But if two females react this way I can only assume that it is bad. They are not ready to talk to you so I won't allow you on our grounds to do so. I am their Matriarch and I am here to protect them, even if that means I have to turn away my own brother. It pains me but I will not allow you to talk to either of them, today." Valette said that without a quiver in her voice. She had been a leader for a long time now, her experience helped with keeping her emotions to the side. "If it helps you can talk privately to me, if you still wish that," she offered. She really wanted to help him out. She disliked the idea of dismissing him without another word. She was not like that. However, she was not sure if Xan was willing to talk to her privately as she denied his requests.

Again and again, she stood in his way whereas Indra encouraged him; the mixture of the two was frustrating, at best, but downright confusing overall. One said go and another said stay but only one held power there, it seemed, and she wasn’t willing to budge. But what she pointed out wasn’t entirely wrong—wouldn’t Laurel have had approached, had she any interest in speaking with him? The truth was painfully obvious but not something that he chose to acknowledge; a part of him had prolonged the inevitable for too long already, and he wasn’t willing to let anything, or anyone, else do the same.

“I want to talk to Laurel,” he repeated through gritted teeth. It wouldn’t be difficult, he thought, to just barrel past her. He did not doubt his own physical capabilities but he was hesitant yet. His sister had an entire pack at her beck and call, a pack that he did not know the quantity of, whereas he was but one, individual being. His options were limited—but not necessarily limited to the options that she had given him.

Alexander brought his attention back to Laurel and looked to her pleadingly before calling out, “Laurel!” Please answer. He did not forget his sister’s being there, no. But he also did not glance her way, not again, not when she refused to help him. And although he did not look her way, he did tell her, “I don’t want to talk to you, you can’t help anything. I want to talk to Laurel and I’m not leaving until I do or I hear her say that she doesn’t want to talk to me.” As he spoke, however, he wondered if he could uphold his own word—if Laurel did choose to dismiss him, would he even be able to leave? Could he honour his word? The answer to that question is a tricky one, undecided and undecidable. “I want to make things better, Desna,” he muttered. “But you’re not letting me even try.” Why was everyone always so unwilling to just give him a chance? Why couldn’t he find peace, too?

skipping Indra as per request :)

Laurel just stood and watched. Valette seemed to grow defensive towards Xan from what she could see, her body language grew bigger and more dominant. Laurel didn't understand, as she remembered that Xan was family. It wasn't that Valette had spoken altogether so positively about Xan, but still, she wondered what was going on out there. Where Indra stepped aside, Valette took over and didn't allow him close.

It was hard what to even think. Laurel didn't remember anyone sticking up for her like that. She didn't know if it was really sticking up. Didn't know what she needed. She thought back to when she had loved Xan and she had told him and he had just flat out turned her down. Said he thought she just wanted to be friends. Made it abundantly clear he wanted to. What was he here for?

Maybe just to see his children.

Surely to see his children.

She would let him see Piper over her dead body, after the way he had treated her.

Laurel!

The name sent a jolt through her body, but she reminded herself that he wasn't here for her. He was only here for Piper - and Lucas - gulp - and Wyatt - the traitor, like his father and grandfather - but they weren't here - and he needed to get through her first.

FUCK OFF, XAN! she shouted loudly, her voice shaking towards the end, her resolve wavering. Oh, how she wanted to believe everything would be okay, that he was here for her, that he would make things right, that he realised that he loved her, that...

But it wasn't to be. It would never be. Laurel turned around and ran as tears sprang to her eyes, wanting to get away from him and the stark reminder that she just wasn't good enough for the men in her life.

Crashing this party hehe

Silent with pressed breath, Greyback continued to watch the scene unfold from behind the rocky outcrop.

He had been there since the beginning, since the first whisper of words, since the first plea of Xan. He had planned on answering the call, to give his presence to the male. But the air had turned sour, and the Patriarch found himself at odds. This was not his place, not his time. It would have been inappropriate to break the scene between Xan, Laurel, and Indra.

He had been planning to turn back, but then Valette had shown up and the situation was getting hotter.

The male had never liked the white wolf. Never trusted him. He had heard the tales from Valette about their family, had seen the way he spoke and regarded others early on. Had sensed the tension between him and others. Greyback even caught the scent off him when Arlette had returned home in a mood one day. Truth be told, Greyback was always wary when Xan found his ways around his family— around Easthollow.

It was only when voices grew louder that Greyback stepped out from the outcrop, his posture tall and presence radiating. He held his tail high as he approached the group, but his unwavering, stern gaze was spared to everyone but Xan. He only stopped when he was beside the Easthollow, beside his packmates, and with a gruesome, harsh tone that teased he was holding anger behind a wall... he spoke.

"It's time for you to go, Xan."

Valette's ears fell back when Xan just ignored her offer and told her that he wanted to speak to Laurel. Instantly she felt that the words he had spoken before were untrue. He had not meant it then, when he said that he wanted to speak to her as well. He just used her to try and get to Indra and Laurel. Valette would have none of it now. "You said you wanted to talk to me just moments ago," she returned to Xan.

Valette looked from Laurel to Xan when Laurel made it clear that she didn't want to see him. The matriarch's eyes darkened. "Your behavior and your words tell me otherwise," she stated coolly. He was just disobeying her, and since she still was the boss here she would want to be treated with respect. Especially by him. She had been the one that took in his collateral damage. His loved ones had become part of her family and like mentioned before. She would always protect her family first.

"Laurel's message was clear enough," she stated. She had given him a chance, she had given him more than enough time. Then Greyback joined. Valette could hear his approach, it was a very typical sound very true to his form. She only felt stronger with him next to him. He spoke, and Valette could only agree with her mate that Xan's time at their border had come to an end. "Leave now if you ever want to be welcomed at our borders again. Show us that you mean well instead of ill by leaving," Valette spoke strictly. It hurt but she didn't show it. She had a big family that loved her back. She didn't need Xan's brotherly love.

Words fell on deaf ears, eyes trained on the one that would not approach. He stared past everyone else, unwilling to spare them even a glance now—now that he could see her, he didn’t want to look away. It’d been so long now since they’d last spoken, since his search to find them had begun. He didn’t want to look away, visibly worried that doing so would only result in losing her again. If he looked away now, she’d disappear and he’d be lost, aimless, defeated—

Fuck off, Xan!

What was once an expression of hope quickly soured, ripened fruit rotting and withering away. His entire posture fell, stricken down by just a few words and a harsh reality check: she didn’t want to see him. Alexander stood there as stiff as a corpse, staring off after her, trembling with the sheer overload of emotions that he was made to experience. The approach of the other male went unnoticed and all sounds unheard, unable to pull himself out of the state he’d slipped and fallen into.

She didn’t want to see him.

She didn’t want to speak to him.

Why was he still there?

“I can’t leave again…” he whispered, answering himself. He couldn’t get his body to listen to him, couldn’t move an inch. Everything suddenly felt heavy, like lead, threatening to drag him down and crush him entirely. His mouth opened and then closed, struggling to form anything coherent enough to actually leave his lips. Did Indra feel the same way? Did she want him gone? He stole a fleeting glance in her direction, searching for anything that might tell him otherwise, but it wasn’t long before his head whipped back to the opposite side, eyeing his sister. And what did she think? Now also demanding that he leave—what had he done?

“Desna, please,” he begged, nearly choking on his own words. “Please let me stay. Let me—let me fix this. I want to be better. Please.” The trembling did not cease, further encouraged by the fear and rejection he felt; the fear that he would always be stuck reliving his mistakes, never to find peace. He didn’t want that, he couldn’t live like that. He’d spent so long being angry, so long feeling rejected, unwanted, dirty—he couldn’t do it anymore.

my last post!

If only she could believe that he wanted to see her for anything other than taking from her. Taking her children, taking Piper, taking something more than he already had. She couldn't believe that it was all for something greater - for love, for anything. Laurel just ran until she was far away from the situation, her body heaving with sobs. She didn't return to her children or seek out @Indra; she just stayed alone for some time, wishing that life wasn't the way that it was right now. Wishing that things had been different. Wishing for him to show up and make it all alright, but she knew, deep down, that if he did show up things wouldn't be alright. They'd just rot further and further until she had nothing left.

my last as well!

how quickly the scene unraveled; indra stared helplessly between valette, laurel, and xan. if only xan was not so prideful, or laurel so quick to hold fast to her grudges! no sooner had indra thought that did she recant it; both had their reasons, laurel perhaps more than any..

greyback's arrival seemed to conclude, at the very least, that xan was no longer welcome. indra shot him a brief look -- to others, it may have seemed inscrutable -- before she too followed after laurel. she did not find her sister, at least not immediately.. and she wondered that night if perhaps, she should have never encouraged xan to return at all...