Stone Circle I will touch the rain with all I have

@Gunnar! She had come back to Kvarsheim for him, and trailed his scent now with a bounce in her step. After their last conversation, he was rarely far from her thoughts. His words seemed to come to her every time she was lost, now, and guided her back to the path she had chosen for herself. When it was all too confusing and she just didn't know, she reminded herself that she would need to learn. These were all lessons.
His wisdom, she felt, was a necessary tool in rebuilding the sense of self she'd lost to the fire. She sought him out now only to hear more of it, to listen to him speak and maybe know more of his life. What had made him so kind and knowing. Surely it was terrible, whatever he had been through, but he seemed happy even for that. Reverie thought that she would give anything to learn how to be like him. But those thoughts were interrupted when she saw him, and her tail started furiously and her whole body swayed with excitement. Gunnar! She ran the last few steps, and halted before him in a twirl of golden fur. How are you? She pressed in for a hug as if they'd known each other forever.

Gunnar had no way of knowing that his words would mean so much. But he was glad that he could help in some small way.

Gunnar heard her voice calling him. He turned and smiled. He returned the hug sweetly, a smile on his wizened face. Hello, darling girl. I'm well. And yourself?

He tilted his head and listened to what she had to say, his tail swaying behind him. She seemed happier, healthier lately. It was good to see her. The golden of her fur reminded him of sun beams. Such a pretty girl. He hoped that Lestan knew how to behave for his adopted daughter

Most people, when they say things such as how are you? or what's up?, think to expect the question turned on them. Most people think to have a response ready, even a generic one like another day in paradise! which really just means I'm dying inside but it's fine. Reverie was not most people. The question wasn't only small-talk to her. It was a genuine expression of interest, and to have it turned on her so quickly; she wasn't sure what to say!
How was she? Reverie thought of Lestan and what they had done. She flushed and then she wanted to cry. I - fine! I'm fine! She said too brightly, hesitant at first and then suddenly rushed. She might as well have said another day in paradise.

Gunnar's steel gray eyes snapped to her face and he looked her over. He pulled her tighter into the hug and spoke his voice a low rumble.

What has happened? Do I need to have words with someone?

He wasn't sure what it was that was bothering her, but her answer was too rushed, her face to expressive and now he wanted to rip someone apart. How dare they make his adopted daughter feel any type of way but happy.

Gunnar was immediately concerned, protective; Reverie could only offer a weak, surprised smile. She hadn't realized he felt that way about her. No, it's okay Gunnar, but I appreciate you, She buried her face against his shoulder and let herself feel comforted. I just - keep overthinking things. I'm trying to learn to stop. I feel like it... infects everything. Reverie pulled away slightly, frowning now. She'd meant to hear about Gunnar, not talk about herself. Somehow it always ended up coming back to her, and though she'd resolved to be a little more selfish — to stop hating herself so much for it — she really didn't want this to always be the case, with everyone. Or was she getting too far ahead of herself again? It was so hard to tell!

Gunnar returned the smile, but stayed stalwart and protective as he had always been. There was a warrior in his chest. And he never cowled even if he seemed old and feeble. He let her take her comfort as she pleased.

Well that sounds like you possibly need to do some soul searching and figure out why you overthink and then try and heal whatever trauma has caused it. Unfortunately too much overthinking and you will be unhappy in life and I don't want that for you.

Gunnar looked over the girl. Part of her problem was she was young, and had a lot going on. The other part, she was trying to change something about herself to disastrous results. It wasn't easy to change your core personality.

Figure out why. Well, she knew why, but that didn't help anything, did it? Reverie forgot her reservations about turning the conversation to herself; it was just too easy to talk to Gunnar, to tell him anything and everything.
I mean... I think I know why it happens. It never used to happen before Rose died - and it didn't happen immediately. But I was so sick after that, suddenly I wasn't - enough. For anyone. I wasn't useful anymore, so they didn't want me, That memory burned more than the memory of fire, more than anything ever could. I never expected that. That was worse than being sick, and ever since then, I feel like... I'm always trying to think of everything that could possibly go wrong, so nothing will ever surprise me like that again. But then it just makes me afraid of everything I care about.
I tried to do what you said - to live in the present. But I ended up overthinking it anyway, and that wasn't great. I think - doing it halfway is a bad idea, She couldn't help but laugh a little at herself. It was just about the only thing she had done halfway with Lestan. I have to follow through with it. That's the part I have to figure out.

Gunnar made a soft noise in his throat half growl half croon. then those wolves weren't worth your time. If you love someone, truly love someone whether family, friend, or lover. Then there is no reason to discard them if they should get sick. It just isn't right, nor is it okay. And those wolves deserve a good thrashing. I hope you know that will not be the way here.

Then what you need to do is learn to trust again. And I know that's hard, but that is wha tyou need to work on. Trusting those around you, not to do what the former did.

Follow through sometimes to get started you just have to bite down on it hard, figuratively of course and just push through.

He was right, wasn't he? Reverie remembered Atlas and his ideas, the first sparks of doubt struck in her heart by him. She had always suspected these things in large part because of her oldest brother. But even he had given up on her in the end. He just hadn't admitted it, the way Tybault never could either. Both had seemed to think themselves her sole champion. It would have been funny if it wasn't so sad.
Trust is hard, She agreed softly, frowning again. It's easier with you. I don't know why. But even with you I feel - doubts. Sometimes I wonder if all this overthinking is turning me into what I hate. Someone who only thinks about what they want from people. After all, wasn't she talking about herself again? She'd meant to ask about Gunnar, his life, his feelings.
She needed selfishness, at least a little, but maybe not this much. I think I need to learn to trust myself, too. I think if I - could trust that I'll be okay, no matter what happens, then I could feel brave enough to trust others too. And then maybe I could start... learning how to be normal.

Gunnar didn't know what had caused he to lose trust in herself and those around her, but it bothered him all the same. However, he tried not to push the envelope. Wanted to give her ideas, but hope she came around to them herself.

Well it's understandable to have doubts sometimes. Everyone does. What isn't, is to have them so often that they cripple the way you see the world and yourself.

Gunnar made a soft hmm noise in his throat. When we are taught to doubt ourselves. Sometimes, it takes awhile to trust yourself again. But you can do it. Just go slow and make little adjustments as you find something you dislike or need to change.

Tail swishing behind him. Ears forward he was listening. Normalcy is overrated. Aim for absolute uniqueness above all else.

Writing this post caused me physical pain LMFAO

Gunnar seemed to have the answers for everything. He took all of her doubt in stride, simplified it in a way she both envied and appreciated deeply in this moment. She thought, not for the first time, that she loved him. Then she thought that she wanted to kiss him, and that thought threw the whole thing into chaos. He's older than my father! But then, so was Phox. This was different though. She felt as though Gunnar could have really been her father. Except he wasn't. He was a man unrelated to her, maybe even a little handsome — and most of all he was kind. Oh, by the Mother...
Best to shelve that thought for now. I think I can manage uniqueness, She smiled and tried not to feel horribly traumatized by her own thoughts. Do you ever doubt yourself, Gunnar? Maybe he would have a story to tell her, maybe that would distract her from such terrible urges. Horrible! She thought again of what she had done with Lestan, and wondered if that had turned her into this. If she was becoming what her father had always warned against. She hoped not.

Gunnar would have rejected her very kindly.. Had some gem to say about how it was okay to have feelings like that when you weren't used to being treated well or something like that <3 I was amused as i read it.

Gunnar didn't have the answers for everything. He could answer some things, but others were beyond him. But he was also older than practically everyone he knew right now. He wasn't sure how he felt about that, so he refused to think on it.

A chuckle from his throat. That's good.

He made a soft hmm noise. All the time. But then I try and think why I'm doubting myself, and I give myself all the reasons that I shouldn't, for whatever it is that is causing the doubt.

He shifted his weight. The wolf who raised me, was not my real father. And when I was almost a year. My mother had more children, that were his. And I was sure that he would love me less. That I wasn't worthy of his love anyway. I wasn't his. But he didn't let me feel that way. He taught me that blood doesn't really matter, doubt doesn't really matter. But love does. Whether it is familial, platonic, or romantic. I've doubted myself a few times in my life. When I left home. When I allowed my mother to make the trip back here without me to die. Many things. The important thing is I didn't let it cripple me.

Gunnar is a gem LMAO <3 Rev is just a mess of awkward trauma reactions, she'll get it together eventually

Gunnar kept talking, and it was easier then to lead her thoughts back to somewhere safe, less confusing. She didn't really want him that way, she decided; she just didn't know what to do with all of this, the tenderness and understanding Gunnar offered. It felt like it should be something more, but it wasn't. It was just... normal, and the part that was weird was her.
But — more importantly, finally she would get to hear about Gunnar's life! The very topic she'd meant to ask about today. He spoke of his own doubts, about his family and his decisions, things from what she knew was a long, long history. A long life. She wondered what he had been like when he was young, her age, if he had felt just as lost as she did. But she didn't ask, because she felt that would be rude.
Instead she said, The decisions you doubted - were they the right ones, in the end? Did you ever regret them? The answer had to be yes, she felt, but she wanted to hear it. She wanted to see for a moment through the lense of a life lived in full, to see if maybe from the other side of it all, failure wasn't such a scary prospect. Gunnar seemed content, after all; he never struck her as unhappy or unwell, beyond being old as dirt.

Gunnar knew well what trauma could do to you. He had seen it over and over again. WIth his mother, especially with his grandmother who couldn't bare to allow anyone, but his grandfather to touch her. But he had learned to deal with his. In a healthy way he hoped or more so felt.

Gunnar shifted and tilted his head in thought. I don't regret much, but that is because I am a firm believer that whatever happened, happened because i needed it too, because it was a lesson learned, or because i wanted it so selfishly at the time I couldn't see past anything else.

He smiled then. My life has been a full one, with trials, tribulations, blessings and love.

old as dirt....lmao

She wondered what it would be like to live without regrets. To regret was akin to breathing for Reverie; it was automatic, a part of her so deeply ingrained that she could hardly imagine how she might begin to extract it. Yet Gunnar seemed so content, she couldn't quite keep the green tinge of envy from her thoughts. The picture he painted of his past was not all gold and roses, however. Maybe that was the trick; maybe it was like when she had realized that not every moment can be beautiful. If she could only truly accept that, maybe she would be better off.
I wish I could be more like you, Reverie sighed finally. I guess I'll have to get old first. It seemed like the only way, truly! How could she begin to grasp the weight of his lessons without first living the experiences behind them? She could hear, and she could tuck it away in her heart the way she did everything Gunnar said, but it didn't make it effective or meaningful to the deepest parts of her. She wasn't sure how to handle that part, exactly.

She stared at him, studying him. He supposed not many were like him, but he had always been this way. Not quick to temper, calm and content. Probably cause he saw his mother who was high strung and his father who was angry and he didn't want to be like that. or Charon who was so full of piss and vinegar he hurt those he loved.

Gunnar choked on a small laugh and shook his head. You needn't be old to learn these things Reverie. You just need to reframe how you take things. How you think. But remember my darling girl, everyone is different. My mother was much like you are.

She was a little indignant when Gunnar laughed, but only for a moment. Reverie was quickly distracted by fascination, to hear Gunnar compare her to his mother! A figure from his past, even more ancient than he was! Your mother? She questioned thoughtlessly. Tell me about her. The please was implied with her tone; she was far too enthralled to remember to actually say the word, but Reverie was rarely demanding. Gunnar was just so interesting!

She asked him of his mother and sadness and happiness all mixed in swirled about with in his mind. A maelstrom of years of knowledge, laying thick and heavy along his shoulders, deep in his eyes. Thistle Cloud Lodbruk. What could be said of a woman larger than life.

My mother's name was Thistle Cloud Lodbruk, she took my father's name. She was tiny, such a small wolf, but her spirit was large, larger than life.

he swallowed and continued. She came to these wilds as a young woman, not yet 2. Upon her arrival here, she was thrown into her first heat season and well she had a one night stand with a wolf named Crete, and as a result, myself, my brother Mercury, and my sister Gyda were born. Crete had left mother before we were even a full week in her womb, so my father Ragnar stepped up. He was.

And it was here his voice caught. Ragnar was bigger than life. He was scarred and loud and a viking. The strongest man I have ever known and he fell in love with my mother. Who was tiny and gentle and kind, a healer to he core, but she had a spirit of a lioness. Bigger than life, stronger than any wolf I have ever met, even stronger than my father. She could hold her own against him, he used to call her his queen, and she was queenly. There was a noble bearing to mom. She held herself so gracefully and selfless. She gave her all to everyone around her, often forgetting to take care of herself.

Reverie listened intently to Gunnar's tale. His mother sounded wonderful; the kind of person you meet once in a lifetime, and never forget. The kind of person you remember when faced with moments that make you ask what kind of person do I want to be? But Reverie saw none of herself in his description, and she wondered at that. He'd said she was like his mother, in some way. Maybe once she had been that selfless, but not anymore, and it had always been forced.
She just couldn't see it. She sounds amazing, Reverie's words were soft. Then she had a thought, and smiled as she added, If your mother was a queen, did that make you a prince? She wasn't certain she'd call Gunnar the king of Kvarsheim, but in a way he had lived up to the promise behind the title of prince. He was a leader now, someone Kvarsheim looked to for guidance.

There were many of the same similarities to his mother and Reverie. Even if she didn't see it. His mother could be flighty and she was always worrying after others like Reverie was. Always.

She was. That was all he said on it. A boy who loved his mother. But she was not without her faults. She felt things too deeply, she was one that would fall to bouts of melancholy. She took things that other's said harshly. Always thinking she wasn't worth things.

He chuckled. Our father called us prince and princess, but we were far from. No I am just an old warrior. Tired and gray.

As Gunnar went on, Reverie began to see more of herself in the way he described Thistle Cloud. She wondered if perhaps there were other similarities, ones she just couldn't see, but she didn't linger on it more than that. You're more than that! You're a leader too, She pointed out softly to counter Gunnar's claim. He was far more than just a tired old warrior. You're important to Kvarsheim. And - to me. Reverie blushed a little. I mean - I just - I wish my father had been more like you. Or... maybe that you were my father instead. It was foolish! But she couldn't help it.

His mother had flaws and great traits. IT was what made her well rounded. What he was trying to point out to Reverie was that everyone had flaws, but they were still loved worthy of love. She needed to know that.

I am only paving the way for Bjarna. It is her right to take up the mantle of Kvarsheim if she should want it, but only if she wants it.

He thought of Sanja then and a small pang tightened his chest. He hoped she was alright wherever she was. The littles of her's too.

I don't mind carrying that title if you want me too. I am father bear to Bjarna. I can also be the same to you.

He spoke of Bjarna; first of her fate, to lead Kvarsheim alone if she wished, and then — oh! Reverie was caught off-guard by his suggestion, but didn't it make sense? Bjarna had made a sister of her; now Gunnar would make a daughter of her, and Reverie was uncertain she deserved either title, but she wanted it desperately.
Even if I - leave Kvarsheim? She couldn't help but ask, breath catching a little. Would Gunnar want to claim her as his own even then? Reverie suddenly wondered if he had a surname, if he would let her take it and shed Medeiros truly and for the final time, but it felt silly to ask. She had grown used to having only a single name.

He chuckled and nodded. Even if you leave Kvarsheim. You can even have my last name if you so wish it. Just as Bjarna can if she wants it. It's a good strong name. It once struck fear into hearts of enemies, and my mother wore it well.

He shifted and shook his shoulders. A smile around his face. Perhaps the man had no children of his own, that he knew of, but he could take those that were fatherless and make them his own, just as his own father had done for him.

It seemed she didn't have to ask! Reverie smiled back at him, heart aflutter with warmth. I would love that! What is it? Fear in the hearts of enemies wasn't really her thing, but maybe — no, there wasn't any maybe about it. No one would ever look at Reverie and fear her. But hey, maybe it would be a confidence boost.