Sun Mote Copse the halluci nation

I apologize for the redundant tags, I recycled and reworked a post. :)

Between tending @Auburn and now dwelling about her wayward son—@Swordfish is alive!—Meerkat hadn’t yet made the trip to the mountains. They can wait, she thought of their remote neighbors, trying not to feel like she was letting down @Towhee Jr.

Presently, she was too distracted to do anything particularly useful. She had spent the past day or so hashing out every detail of the Swordfish encounter with her mother. Towhee fielded her every question, no matter how redundant, but Meerkat could tell she felt terrible about the entire situation. She let her mother alone and struck out on a walk by her lonesome.

She walked up Njord’s Craigh to survey the copse, eyes drifting over the stretches of green. Perhaps because of just where she stood, her mind momentarily strayed to her husband. They were meant to be planning their vow renewal too. The thought should’ve brought her joy, though she could only linger on the pain they shared over their son.

Fennec had been in a mood since the meeting, and as usual, this mean generally avoiding crossing paths with most of the pack while she sorted out her shit.  A few interactions were unavoidable, and she’d had to sit and listen (with as much patience as she could muster) while her brother in law explained his son’s situation.

She wanted to feel for him.  For both of them.  But the chorus of ‘why is this relevant to me’ couldn’t be silenced from her mind, made even worse when he came to then a short time later to reveal he was planning on renewing his vows.

Good for them.

Fuck, you’re an awful sister.  The thought carried more amusement, and comfort in the realization, than it probably should have.  Meerkat and Njord were just incredibly open, and family oriented, in a way she didn’t quite understand.  She loved their family, the size and the closeness of it, but she had never considered going to Meerkat about her feelings around Killdeer’s decision to live apart.  Or her decision not to stay despite Bronco being gone.  That wasn’t a conversation she felt her sister could provide any help with, probably because she had no clue what (if anything) she could do about Swordfish.

Towhee had always been her main confidant, but that had changed too in recent months.  She supposed the whole thing with Fig had shown her family didn’t always need to be the ones you went to.  And subsequent attempts, in her mind, had only confirmed it. 

Above everything, she just missed Penn.

Fennec was resting in the shade of the trees, thinking about that, when she heard her sister pass by.  Her ears flicked that way, and at first she didn’t say anything.  Maybe the self-reflection just made her more open to it in the moment, or maybe thinking about Penn left her sentimental.  Either way, she broke the silence without too much hesitation.

Things as bad as I think they are?  Or are you more optimistic than me?  Could be she was alone in wanting to entertain the worst possible outcomes, but she wanted to open the space for Meerkat in case no one else had.  Their family was great, but… certain things just weren’t easy to say.  No matter who they were said to.

She climbed down from the crest a few minutes later, trying to force her mind down brighter avenues. How far away was the full moon? Meerkat glanced skyward, then shook her head at herself. It was the middle of the day, for crying out loud. Whatever its current phase, the moon was nowhere in sight.

A familiar voice drew her attention downward, to the shaded spot beneath some trees where her older sister rested. Fennec said something which made Meerkat frown thoughtfully. She was admittedly distracted but she didn’t understand what Fen meant.

Sorry, what do you mean? she asked, stepping beneath the trees herself.

She couldn’t help but think of Fen departing the recent pack meeting, as if she’d been jilted by Jr’s promotion. Meerkat’s frown deepened as she took a seat with her back resting against a trunk, her entire demeanor uncharacteristically pensive.

Fennec was unruffled as Meerkat asked what she meant. Fair enough - she’d been trying to be cryptic. There wasn’t much point to it though.

Njord told me about your son. I know how I’d be taking it, so I figured I’d see if you were spiraling too. Unless you don’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t really any of her business, or anything she needed to know. Normally she’d pry anyway, but this was personal and involved family. She wouldn’t push unless it directly involved her too.

She certainly sounded distant. That could mean anything though. Maybe she was hung up on Swordfish, or maybe Otter or Skipjack had decided now was the time to pick up a new vocabulary. With parents it really could be anything.

Was she spiraling? She had been overjoyed at first, just knowing he was alive out there somewhere. Now, she didn’t know how she felt. She looked down at the patch of grass between her forepaws, where shadows of leaves danced, her face scrunching.

I don’t not want to talk about it, she said after a moment, glancing over at her sister with a pained expression, but I’m having a hard time processing my feelings internally, much less expressing them externally.

Her lips twisted as she gazed off into the copse. Part of Meerkat didn’t want to dwell right now. She would rather focus on her upcoming nuptials. She didn’t want to snub Fennec’s offer to listen, though, and maybe hashing things out aloud—or trying to, anyway—could help.

It’s kind of like he died all over again, she said on a sighing exhale. The Swordfish we knew and loved, that isn’t the wolf who’s running around out there, based on what mom told us. Our sweet little Fish still died that day, in a sense. And of course I’m glad he… exists… in some capacity…

Meerkat couldn’t even get out the “but.” Her breath shivered from her as she suddenly choked up.

But he isn’t the same son you loved. Fennec finished the thought for her, hearing the difficulty with which Meerkat spoke and remembering distinctly how that felt. Killdeer had never once made her feel that way. His father was an entirely different story.

When Bronco came back, I was convinced I could have the man I loved back again. I couldn’t love who he became, and who he became didn’t want me either. Trying to change that was a mistake. Fennec wasn’t sure if her sister would find anything valuable in this revelation, but she felt something loosen in herself, finally admitting it.

You can’t make someone need you. If they don’t want to, trying is only going to make things worse. At least, it always seems to. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe there was a world where Meerkat chased Swordfish down and the two of them had a tearful reunion, mother and son, renewing their relationship like nothing ever happened. That just wasn’t a world Fennec lived in.

Tears sprang to her eyes at Fennec’s words. She nodded shakily, still unable to speak, and swiped a foreleg across her eyes. But still they streamed, particularly as her sister continued talking. She mentioned Bronco, though it wasn’t until her last few words that Meerkat began crying in earnest.

“If they don’t want to…” She could still see the pain in Towhee’s eyes when she had explained Swordfish’s reluctance to come to the copse. She had been right not to force his hand, though Meerkat knew it had been difficult. She wasn’t entirely sure she could’ve left without begging and pleading, had she been the one to find him. And if he’d still refused, it would’ve broken her far worse…

That’s why I’m not going to look for him, Meerkat said between hitching, tearful breaths, and that feels terrible too, like I’m giving up on him.

But based on what their mother had told her, she had armed Swordfish with all the information he could possibly want about his parents and their location. Hopefully he would surprise them all and come someday. But the ball was in his court, as they say, and Meerkat felt a bit like she was in purgatory.

Fennec heard Meerkat cry, but didn’t move right away to comfort her. She didn’t know how this conversation was going over but sometimes crying was what was needed. Life was shit sometimes. It was okay to not be okay with its bullshit.

If he doesn’t come, then he gave up on you. You didn’t leave him. Harsh words, but fuck holding yourself responsible for someone else’s shit decisions. Nothing good ever came from that. I don’t know if you want to be mad about that, but I would be. At least until he showed up.

Fennec’s tone was neutral, not really encouraging or discouraging. That was Meerkat’s call to make, not hers; all she could do was give her perspective. She usually found anger to be the easiest emotion to hold. Maybe it wasn’t the healthiest, but at least it let her do what she needed to do - leave them to live their lives while pushing forwards.

Fennec’s next words surprised a hiccup out of Meerkat. She stared at her sister, eyes still wet with tears, turning over her words in her mind. Her face scrunched slowly.

I could never be angry with him. It’s not his fault the bear tore apart our family, she insisted, wiping at her eyes again. He was only a child, Meerkat said almost angrily, so if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s his parents’ and pack’s. We failed to protect him. But that’s not fair, either, so there’s really nobody to blame, and…

And that made it all the worse. Meerkat sniffed and glanced away into the copse, taking a few deep breaths to settle her emotions. A little voice in her mind couldn’t help but correct her, the thought making her grimace.

If we can blame anything, it would be the bear. Mom told me he went after it and killed it somehow. I don’t even want to think about the hows or the whys of that, Meerkat said, voice going flat.

Abruptly, she realized she was done with the entire subject, at least for now. She was feeling strangely riled and she really didn’t want to take it out on Fennec and her hot takes. Cold takes, Meerkat thought, grateful for her sister’s objectivity but also slightly triggered by it, at least at the moment.

Can we talk about something else? Meerkat asked, then didn’t wait for an answer before adding, Like how are things with you lately?

Fennec couldn’t see Meerkat’s expression but she heard the denial in her tone. Apparently her sister didn’t agree, which didn’t bother Fennec much. Of course, her opinion was that she was right… the bear didn’t force Swordfish to leave. She’d made enough of her own stupid, selfish decisions to recognize an explanation wasn’t the same thing as a justification. She was smart enough to keep these thoughts to herself.

Meerkat seemed ready to drop it and Fennec accepted the change of subject easily. There was no point in pressing a problem that was, honestly and truly, none of her business.

Things are the same as they’ve been. Not a problem, but not exactly ideal. But I don’t think “ideal” is a thing anyone actually gets, so I think “as good as things can get” is probably more honest.

She couldn’t point to a single problem, a single issue, or a single thing she could improve to try and make things better. There were little things, but every gain came with losses, and right now she’d decided the sure thing was worth staying for. Really, Njord and Meerkat’s current situation made her life look practically idyllic. It was pretty fucked that she could feel jealous that they had enough kids to lose one. No way in hell she was ever admitting to that.

She was happy when Fennec grabbed this new thread of conversation, at least for a moment. Her sister’s answer made her stomach sink. Meerkat couldn’t help but think again of the way she’d hastily quit the recent meeting, without acknowledging their kid sister’s accomplishment. The picture she painted made it sound like she was unhappy with her life at the copse, which in turn made Meerkat feel slightly defeated.

Were you upset by Jr’s promotion? The question popped out of her mouth before she could think about it, her emotional bandwidth evidently too tied up to bother filtering. Assuming she knew the answer, she softly tacked on, Why?

Fennec smiled ruefully. Fuck, she appreciated the straightforward way Meerkat asked. She deserved a straight answer because of it.

Because it’s the right choice. And because, for some godawful reason, I’m jealous as hell. Every time I’ve tried to lead, it’s been a disaster. Doesn’t stop me from wanting it again, even if I know I’m not the right choice.

She let out a breath, then quickly added a clarification. I’m not upset with you or with Junior. I would have asked if I thought I deserved it. I don’t. She didn’t want Meerkat to get the wrong impression. She and Njord had made the choice that was best for the pack and Fennec wasn’t about to deny it. She just didn’t know what her role here was, and the longer it took her to sort out, the less she felt like she’d find it at all.

The first five words out of her sister’s mouth alleviated some of that feeling of inadequacy. The rest of Fennec’s answer wasn’t what Meerkat would call reassuring, though. She knew better than to argue with her and, besides, she didn’t have the energy.

But evidently she did possess just enough to start crying. Now she mourned her sister’s happiness. Did Fen really believe that her mediocre life here was as good as it would get? It sounded so bleak to Meerkat. She wanted more for Fennec. She thought she should get it, even if that meant leaving the copse.

If you’re unhappy here, you should go out there and find whatever makes you happy, Meerkat said almost heatedly, leaking like a tap as snot, tears and words dripped out of her face, or die trying.

She was aware she sounded all dramatic and emotional. Meerkat didn’t care. She wiped a foreleg across her snotty nose, struggling to overlay these very same words over Swordfish’s situation.

Oh, shit.  Fennec only hesitated a second before moving towards her sister and, when she found her, pressing their flanks together.  Hey, sis.  What do you think I’m doing here?  She smiled a little more genuinely, slinging a paw up to give her a somewhat effective hug.  She didn’t like that her sister was crying, but it was pretty nice to know she cared.  That was the entire reason she’d come here.  Out of everyone, Meerkat had been there for her in the past, no strings attached and no extra baggage.  Even Towhee didn’t always get it right, though she knew her mom would fight like hell for her no matter what problems she had.  She just couldn’t remember a single time when Meerkat made her feel like she wasn’t enough.

I’m trying to figure out what I want, and I want to do that here.  I want to be here for your family, and for you.  It’s not your fault I haven’t sorted out anything beyond that.  She lost the smile, but would keep the hug until Meerkat pulled away.  Penn and I tried for kids.  It didn’t work out.  Killdeer has his own life to live, and even if I’ve thought about following him, I don’t want to lose this.  She tightened her hold for a moment, making it clear that she was referring to Meerkat.  She needed her family.

I’d love to have my own claim someday.  I’ve wanted that ever since the first time I tried it, with Bronco.  It just isn’t that easy.  Penn isn’t here, and I know he loves me, but he wants kids.  He deserves kids.  If I can’t have more, I want him to have that.  The thought was a kick to the gut, but she forced her way forward.  I want Killer to go where he wants too.  Right now, that’s Brecheliant.  If I ever manage to claim the Bramblepoint, maybe he’d join.  I’d definitely be closer.  But I’m not a leader anyone will follow, and I can’t live in a pack of one.  I don’t want to either.

That was a lot.  It helped that these were all things she’d been turning over and over in her mind, considering a dozen different ways over the course of the last few weeks.  She didn’t know how to be happy with the hand she’d been dealt, but she had run the numbers and she knew this was where she could get the closest right now.  It had the who and the where.  It was up to her to figure out the how.

Fennec’s proximity—not to mention her hug—steadied Meerkat. With a last hitch of breath, she stopped crying. She shamelessly leaned against her sister, because it was exactly what she needed right then. She needed it so much, she refused to move away, though she did prick one ear to take in everything her sister was saying.

It was a lot to process, particularly in her raw state, though Meerkat sniffled and did her best. More tears welled and leaked out of her eyes upon hearing that Fen had tried to have more children, to no avail. If that wasn’t hard enough, she talked of letting Penn go to find someone who could give him children. That was devastating, and was about the time Meerkat began crying for her sister in earnest again.

Perhaps on a better day, Meerkat would’ve come up with some pretty things to say to comfort and support her sister. But just now, she was crying too hard to say much of anything. She shifted to cling to Fennec, her hold hopefully communicating the things she couldn’t articulate: I see you. I feel you. I grieve with you. But, most importantly, I’m here for you.

Fennec could feel Meerkat’s sobs and adjusted too, shifting so that she could match the tightness of her sister’s hold. She didn’t break the silence for a while and instead just let Meerkat cry some of it out with her. Fennec could tell she definitely needed that, though she didn’t know exactly what from her speech had caused it. Probably nothing… Meerkat had plenty of reasons to need it outside of that.

It felt good to be needed, in that moment. Most of the time she didn’t know the right ways to help, and a lot of times even trying dug a hole for her to climb out of. But getting it right always made it worth it.

I’m still trying to figure a lot of things out. But if you or Njord need anything, I’m here. And when I say anything, I mean anything. Just ask. Hell, if she could poison a stranger for Germanicus, she could definitely do whatever the Copse might need from her. She kept that to herself, though it gave her an internal chuckle to think what her sister’s reaction might be. Some secrets were better off buried.

Meerkat could only manage two words: I know.

She kept crying for a little while after that, knowing Fennec didn’t mind. It was cathartic. She wept for her sister’s plight and for her son’s. Meerkat also grieved for her own losses, curling around the old scar inside her that had been torn open and bled freely. With every puling whimper, she could feel it begin to scab again.

At long last, she sat up and pulled gently from Fen’s grasp. She wiped at her face, feeling a little embarrassed for how wrecked she must look. Meerkat had the distinct sense that she was an ugly crier, a thought that had a little laugh popping from her mouth. It was followed by a world-weary sigh.

Thank you, Fen. I’m glad you’re here, she murmured.

It was the truth, even if she wouldn’t have held it against Fennec for leaving if it meant she could achieve happiness. Her sister deserved as much, Meerkat thought with quiet ferocity. She would never stand in her way, so help her. But as long as part of her wanted to stay here, then Meerkat wouldn’t take her companionship for granted.