Lion Head Mesa tenax

germanicus slipped into his former quarters.

the festivities went on, muffled by the thick red stone around him.

in the hushed darkness of early morning, he thought @Crowfeather might be asleep.

germanicus was not a man who worked upon impulse.

it was a choice then, to move across the room. to lie down upon the narrow bed of furs. to pull the shadow into the curve of his own body.

he lay still and unsure thereafter.

The man’s scent entered the room before he did and stirred Crowfeather from his dreams.

The dark wolf had listened to the goings on. Satsu was getting married to the Pharaoh, a concept that seemed foreign and alarming to the yearling. He did not remember the conversation they had shared before, the well wishes he had offered her. Crowfeather only knew that the Pharaoh intimidated him and made him feel that he owed the man a great deal.

When Germanicus approached and slipped into the furs upon the bed, the dark boy held his breath. The thudding of his heart was sure to give him away.

The man pulled the dark wolf into his body. Crowfeather blinked and turned his head to the underside of the eagle’s chin. A soft nudge was offered to Germanicus, there where he could not see the way that Crowfeather longed for him.

Are you okay? the shadow asked, only in whispers.

the word came after a long quiet. his body was tense, though crowfeather might feel the way he breathed beneath the touch.

"i am — i feel." a swallow bobbed his throat. his head felt as if he might be sick. he was suddenly horrified at the loss of control which had placed him so physically close against the shadow.

it was too late to pull away.

he did not want to pull away.

germanicus did not know what to say and so he said nothing. he refused to struggle more with his words. a vulnerability had settled around him. the imperator was uncomfortable beneath this. it forced the sound of his voice all the same.

"the night that i forbid you to go into the sunspire, do you remember it?"

He was okay, or so he said. The last statement felt fractured, as though he could not force the remainder of it from his mouth. Crowfeather did not wish to draw it from him. Whatever feelings the eagle had; it would be fine. This assurance was repeated in his mind while the silence filled the space of the room they shared.

When Germanicus spoke again, it was to ask if Crowfeather remembered the night he had forbid him to travel to the Sunspire.

A breath fell from the dark wolf’s lips. He shook his head, even though it was not entirely truth. Pieces had returned to him in his recovery. Time spent alone had allowed his memory to restore portions that had been missing, just not enough.

I remember… only a few words, Crowfeather whispered in reply. His chest felt tight.

I remember… anger.

Who had caused it? He was unsure. Still, he could not help but to feel the guilt that rose in his throat.

We spoke… of death?

germanicus nodded in the darkness. crowfeather would not be able to see him. and yet this simple gesture would keep the eagle reined. 

"you insisted that one of us go to the sunspire. i forbade it from being you. but you left all the same."

his throat felt rather tight. he had blamed himself for this each and every day.

the weight of the shadow next to him brought a soothing confusion. 

"i have not been truthful about the way i feel when you look at me, crowfeather."

the syllables hung like globes of iron between them.

he thought compulsively of ruenna's offer.

The man’s movement was felt.

So, their conversation had been angry. This wounded the dark yearling. He did not like to think that he had spoken out of turn. It felt childish to look back on it without the full memory for himself. It was like looking at a different version of who he was, a Crowfeather who behaved like the spoiled prince that he was. To know that this may have caused Germanicus distress burned him.

When the man spoke again, his words surprised the shadow.

Crowfeather pulled his head back, looking at the man’s face with a growing sense of dread. This was it, he told himself. You’ve crossed a line and he will tell you that your bond is no more, the thoughts carried him away.

Y-You… wish me… to stop, he spoke breathlessly. He would beg. Crowfeather would plead with him, if it meant that he would not leave. He would never look upon the grizzled man again, if only that would spare him this conversation. If only…

I- I am sorry, Germanicus. I only-

Tears threatened to spill from his eyes.

I am… a foolish boy, Crowfeather said finally. The words recalled memories of his father. It reminded him of similar talks, of the shame that had filled his father’s voice.

You spoke to me once. You told me that I show my feelings too easily. I have… not been mindful, as you instructed. Please, give me one more chance.

Please…

crowfeather's voice was small and then it was begging.

germanicus was aghast at himself.

"no!" he said firmly. at last and compelled, he lowered his muzzle. the edge of his mouth touched the back of one dark ear. "i mean to say that bringing you back here so wounded forced a realization."

the harried tears of the shadow inspired a fierce and visceral protectiveness in germanicus.

"when you weep, i feel the same answering in myself. i have no answer for you. i cannot say it aloud."

germanicus had gravely misstepped. 

now he stood upon darkened ice in an unknown sea.

"tonight lady ruenna offered me the union of herself in marriage, and children thereafter. i have not given her an answer."

to strike so harshly. it was the heavy hand of a soldier guiding the man now, for it was all that he knew.

The shadow softened, searching the older man’s face.

Germanicus stated that he’d had a revelation after seeing the yearling in an injured state, after having carried him back to the mesa. Crowfeather felt his cheeks burn hot with shame. He could not imagine the image of the silver eagle carrying his broken body upon his back – a burden.

When the man spoke again, it was of the lady Ruenna. The memories of her were fuzzy and obscure, but the seer knew that he had liked her. The woman’s name filled him with a small sense of happiness before Germanicus’ words continued. She had made an offer to become his wife and to have his children.

Crowfeather knew that this was an offer he could never make to Germanicus, no matter what he wished in his heart. The image of the older man as a father filled his head again, thrummed with the beat of his heart.

I- I did not realize you… had grown so close, he whispered uncertainly.

What- Crowfeather felt his heart catch in his throat.

What answer… would you like to give her, Germanicus?

just so many words smfh

"it is not clear to me." it was not an auspicious answer. but germanicus did not want a pause between them. he had not thought concretely of a yes, but he did not yet want to say no.

"being offered children reminded me of what you had asked." the answer had been dismissed then. the eagle realized that too had been a lie. he had couched it in the act itself. and then he had lain with maggie.

how cruel he had been to crowfeather, and all because he had not understood until these moments.

there was the metallic taste of shame in his mouth. how dare he lay here now and speak of love and betrayal in the same breath. he should have made his choice — yes — and explained little. it would have been a severing that he might have justified as necessary. 

the tactician had been aptly named.

he fought down the experience of self-loathing. he would not allow himself to be compromised during this discourse. 

"she made her offer not knowing what i am. in order to give her a proper answer, i will need to be truthful. and so i have none for now."

germanicus cleared his throat. he wished he had not come to begin this in such a sloppy way. even to sit beside the shadow upon the floor and converse would be preferable to this. it was an agony of affection that rushed in him to have crowfeather so close. 

"'the sun is setting on the redhawk caldera.'" he was quiet in the darkness. "it was what she said to me first. i did not answer well and have affected her in some way."

so there would be no rejoinder until he could collect himself. that ruenna understood him and that her words remained with him and that she would be fitting for him tormented germanicus. and in the same vein it was an equal anguish that he fought against to continue flouting the sense of tradition that had always been the eagle's personal demon.

I am not certain… that I know what you are, Germanicus, the darkling said to him quietly.

Perhaps he had built the man up to be more than he was. Perhaps, he had thought the silver knight was something from fabled stories. He was a man who was honorable and kind, who fulfilled his purpose with stoic dutifulness. Crowfeather did not imagine there was a better man alive, but it was only in that moment – upon the ground with the silver figure of the older man pressed to his back – that he realized he may have allowed his feelings to sway his opinion.

Crowfeather could never be a wife to him. He could never give him children. There would never come a time when there would be a stern-faced young pup with dark fur and dandelion flower eyes. The understanding in that gripped his heart.

You would… you would be a good father, his voice was barely above a whisper. The light of his eyes had fallen to the ground. Suddenly, the closeness of Germanicus felt wrong. It felt like a poor consolation for being told that he would eventually mate with Ruenna, and they would build a life together. It felt cruel.

Crowfeather stirred himself and pushed away from the frame of the man.

I will be truthful first, then.

The light of his eyes remained fixed on the ground.

I do not believe- I do not think you are only a mentor, Germanicus. Not to me.

When he tried to lift his eyes to the man’s face, he found he could not. The weight of the admission suffocated him.

I feel- more. I feel more for you than I think I should.

The lump in Crowfeather’s throat was immense.

I understand it is not right. That you will not be able to have a life with someone… with me. I do not need you to drag me along if I am only a burden. Lady Ruenna would bring honor to you and your family. She would be able to make you a father…

She would be all the things I could never be.

crowfeather drew away.

the shadow struggled with his words. and yet each one fell heavy upon germanicus.

at the mention of the word burden, he could not help the sharp shake of his head. by now he had come off the plinth. he stood a proper and helpless distance from the young healer. he watched the way that each sound was shaped by hurt.

for a long moment he did not speak. the admission of unrighteousness on both their parts was hard to ignore. it felt as though it truly were a confirmation of what he knew to be uncommon. forbidden, if even in a vague way.

"nothing about this has anything to do with a belief that you are a burden," the eagle said. "you have never been this to me. i have — grappled with my own feelings for you, crowfeather. perhaps since we departed the hinterlands."

had it been so long?

"i struggled to know if they were appropriate or warranted or even real. and it seems that in this time it has taken me to decide, you have been put into the middle of war and then maimed." 

there was another silence.

"who i am is something i am still discovering. the truth of the matter is that any life you lived with me would always be marked by conflict. it is who i am. i will seek it out." germanicus felt that the moments were slipping away between them. his own fear was beginning to yawn.

The response that was given felt familiar, somehow. The terrain that they were covering was far from familiarity for the dark wolf. Still, the way that Germanicus addressed emotion was expected. He was reverent with his word, but firm and plain. He spoke the way he always had – a man speaking to a boy.

When he had finished speaking and silence hung in the air between them, Crowfeather felt how tired he had grown. All that talking and for what? So that he could learn the feelings he had tried to swallow were mutual, but that it was unlikely they would ever amount to anything. It felt like a heavier burden than he had anticipated it might. Somehow, worse than being outright denied.

Still, a portion of what Germanicus had said still lingered with the shadow. He looked to the older man with a small amount of indignance.

I think you are making excuses. Crowfeather forced his voice to remain solid, to not quaver.

Conflict is not who you are. It is not part of you, no matter how you search for it.

The air felt cold in that room for the first time.

Germanicus, if we are only ever supposed to become what others have planned for us, I would not be here with you. Even then, I am not the same as I was when we journeyed through the hinterlands.

Crowfeather lifted his gaze to the man, daring him.

You are a good man. You are a strong warrior. You are a capable defender. You are dutiful. You are kind and good and warm.

What could conflict compare to these traits?

You are also… not responsible for me or for my actions. I choose to remain with you. You have no say in that matter. Please stop pretending like what happened- like the attack I suffered was somehow your fault. I am capable of making choices. Even wrong ones.

a muscle in his jawline tensed and then relaxed. he nodded. it had been disrespectful of him to assume so much. and yet he did. germanicus had wanted to believe that theirs was only a  mutual attraction. unspoken and unsaid, it would dissipate as crowfeather had greater experiences. including those with others who were not germanicus.

you are kind and good and warm. 

those words echoed in his heart and in their wake a spate of selfishness followed. he put his own want ahead: why could these things not both be done? discretion was the mark of a noble. but discretion demanded denial. and the imperator knew at once that he respected both of these individuals far too much to ask such a situation.

would it have been easier had he simply packed his few items and bid crowfeather goodbye without explanation? it had seemed too malicious.

"perhaps i am full of excuses, crowfeather. i am a man who is used to making swift decisions. and presently i cannot." and presently the fact that he felt he had two choices at all irritated him and caused him despair. he should have been able to say no to lady ruenna in the moment. but germanicus had not wanted to say no. he had found himself thinking of it. and it was these thoughts which had made him feel as if he were betraying the shadow.

"i am not the same either." 

was he destined only to love men? he felt no sense of disregard toward ruenna. the possibility had not caused germanicus the anxious resistance he often experienced when considering women for any reason. but when he looked toward crowfeather, he felt in his spirit that it was wholly different.

maybe the eagle only wanted his own inner assurance that he would be able to maintain himself with the young men who came to train at mereo. he found himself transfixed and seen now. transfixed and seen as he had never been before. the shadow saw much. germanicus wanted never to be so visible again.

but there was relief in it. "i search for what will discipline me so that i might hold my desires in check." devotion to mereo would provide this on a constant basis for germanicus. the yellowpaint eyes softened. "if i allowed myself —"

the rest remained silent. the eagle's gaze was rawboned and open.

I do not want you to… hold your desires in check, he repeated the man’s words back to him with distaste on his tongue.

The feeling of being on rough water was not one Crowfeather had ever experienced, but he imagined it was something akin to how he felt in that moment. The shadow did not know why he expressed his wishes to the older man. Germanicus was a stubborn individual. He was headstrong and knowing. It gave him assurance in what he was familiar with. The young seer was not a familiar thing, and neither were the words he longed to confess to the soldier.

Crowfeather sighed softly and shook his head.

I only want you- he felt his throat stick, the words didn’t finish.

… you to be happy.

The yearling’s cheeks burned hot. Crowfeather did not know if there were words enough in all the languages in the world to ease Germanicus’ mind. Even as he fought with his own confession, the dark wolf felt shame. It was his fault that they were in this mess, or so he believed. If he had listened to the older man, had heeded his words and concealed his feelings better… perhaps.

Whatever that might look like.

Crowfeather rested his head upon his paws, believing that Germanicus would not want to remain there any longer than he already had. Back to the quiet, back to the lonely process of healing.

germanicus felt the selfishness rising in him again. why could he not marry ruenna and also keep crowfeather close? it was an acceptable enough arrangement for the nobility of editum. 

it was not utterable.

the eagle watched the emotions play upon the shadow's face and shame welled within him. like a struck wellspring he was rushed and flooded with how badly he had misstepped. he should have only accepted the lady redhawk's proposal and told crowfeather after. or perhaps before. but he should not have made it this horrific.

now he stood in unsurety.

"happiness is not the measure of a man. it is his discipline." germanicus felt his voice falling and becoming hushed as crowfeather at last lay down again.

the urge to step forward, to pass his muzzle over the darkened cheek, was strong. but the eagle found its very conception disrespectful. look how he had hurt the shadow with his ineptitude.

the imperator was silent. he took the gesture of the injured young noble as a dismissal. how could it be anything else?

"no matter what is decided, i want still to travel east with you."

the edges of his words felt edged and too raw.

germanicus turned and departed the small room.

and when he was alone once more, he let his throat thrum with grief. happiness. he had seen its excess here. he must escape it and his own sundering wants.

I do not measure you by your discipline, Germanicus… I believe that is only how you measure yourself.

Crowfeather was tired.

It would have been easy to just allow the man beside him, to rest there with Germanicus close to his body and keeping him warm. It would have been far easier than sharing the conversation they had. The dark wolf wondered why he had spoken up, if not to see what his words could spark within the soldier. Wasn’t he just being selfish? Yes, he thought, but hadn’t he earned the right to be a little selfish? Or, perhaps, he was forgetting that he had been selfish all that time. There was no more room for it.

Germanicus said that no matter what was decided, he would still like to travel to the east. Crowfeather wished for this, too. He did not know that it would be possible, after having heard the news that the soldier shared. If he wed Ruenna and moved to the mountains to lead his own gathering, when would there be time? It seemed a fanciful promise, one that would not likely be fulfilled.

I would like that too, the shadow whispered, but he did not believe it would happen.