Redsand Canyon viriliter

whenever you have time! <3

he called upon @Crowfeather that evening, thinking the shadow at the tablinum.

though it would never seem so, though germanicus at present could be called nothing more than aloof, his pule galloped.

he had brought a hare and expected greatly to be rebuffed. but the young ranger was here now. and the eagle wished to be present. close, even for a moment.

I will literally restructure the concept of time to make some for you. <3 ;w;

The Imperator’s call was surprising.

Crowfeather had spent the better part of his time in the healer’s quarters, resting, thinking, left alone to his thoughts and his withering heart. Aquene had been kind to him when she had been tending to his wounds and keeping an eye on his recovery. When her children had arrived, she had been swept away to them. She had a family, after all. The shadow knew that she was needed with her puppies, with her warmth.

Shifting from within the tablinum, Crowfeather poked his head from the space.

Hello, Germanicus…

That familiar lump gathered in the back of his throat.

*turns absolutely beet red* <333

his own throat thickened.

"hello, crowfeather."

the shadow had kept to his namesake, scarcely seen in the grounds. aquene was with her little boys and surely kallik lingered close, stoic and proud father.

the imperator motioned to the limp bundle. "may i join you for a meal?"

It didn’t feel so different when he stood there, that look upon his face… Crowfeather thought back to their travels and their time together. He missed it. Every day that passed where he was so close to the silver-brushed eagle, each time the older man’s scent passed the tablinum, the shadow was filled with an indescribable longing.

Time had a way of changing things.

Yes… of course.

The three-legged figure was stricken with worry. He wondered if Germanicus had come to tell him that his time was running short, that Crowfeather would need to leave. He had spent a good deal of time eating their resources, burdening their stocks and their members.

How… is your family? He did not want to ask. He did not want to know.

germanicus entered the small, herb-perfumed space that now was overlaid with the weeks that crowfeather had lived here.

every inch of air was filled by the shadow.

he set the rabbit down, taking a moment to compose himself as his back was turned. "they are growing. learning." did he want to speak of them? the pride he felt in his children was not abated, but he felt odd uttering these words.

at last he settled to face crowfeather. the younger man's face was drawn. his eyes were filled with a thousand things. he had always worn his emotions so openly. "how are you healing?" germanicus asked at last.

The words about his family were short, giving the shadow all he needed to know. They were growing, learning. It would not be long before the man’s children would be young soldiers. They would grow into their shape, taking on the features of the silver eagle and his wife. The images that had once played in Crowfeather’s mind had been replaced. Pups with sunflower yellow eyes and Ruenna’s features. It burned within him.

When Germanicus faced him again, it was to ask how his healing was going. Crowfeather glanced toward the stump of a leg he wore. It was tender still, weak from the time he had spent resting. He had learned to shuffle around on his remaining limbs with awkward efficiency.

You have a good healer here. It- It shouldn’t be much longer… that I am using your resources, and her time. The shadow wanted to get that out of the way. He did not want for Germanicus to feel that he would be burdened with the shadow’s presence for too much longer. I will repay you. For this- For… all that I have taken.

a muscle leapt in his jaw. it was perhaps the first emotion he had seen fit to show another in a long while. ruenna still received the foremost of these things.

but now he felt wilted inside.

"i have never thought of you in terms of debt, crowfeather. and i will not start now." was that all between them now? transactionality? he had only himself to blame for it.

germanicus looked toward the shadow. "lady aquene is deeply talented. you have been a rather star patient."

The offer to repay what he had taken was dismissed with words that seemed kind in nature but were spoken with a clenched jaw and a stoic expression. No matter how it churned his stomach, Crowfeather could not pull his gaze from the older man’s face. No matter how much it pained him, he could not stop from gazing into the yellow of the Imperator’s eyes.

Crowfeather’s paws shifted slightly, nervous in nature.

Maybe you attract them… the talented ones. Maybe those are the ones that are best to keep around. The shadow did not know what else he might say about Aquene. Her kindness was evident in everything that she did. Her healing skills were boosted by her warm heart. Crowfeather knew that Germanicus would have gathered more like her. Mereo was full of the very best.

A pause filled the space between them.

I’m- I’m happy you have built the life you wanted. But there was little happiness in the gold of his eyes.

at last he too looked into crowfeather's serious features. their words were casual. but it did not show upon their features.

he pulled his gaze away at last to look upon the rabbit that neither of them had touched.

"it is a good life." he had wanted another, once upon a time. "and there are many talents here. tamar and arsenio are in the vale, preparing it to be a new packland."

there was a long pause. he looked back to crowfeather. it was not because he must but because he wished it.

"i would like you to stay in mereo, as long as you need." the eagle's voice was steady, hoarsening at the edges only a little.

What game was he playing? 

Crowfeather stared at him, mouth agape. He wanted Crowfeather to stay. As long as he needed. The shadow wasn’t sure if it had been worded that way intentionally. It could have meant more. It could have meant something deeper. It was also vague enough that it could mean nothing at all. 

He wanted to say yes. He wanted to say that he would stay forever, that he would become whatever Germanicus wanted, if only they could… be together again. The weight of that, of the offer, it felt like stones in his chest. He could scarcely breathe. 

Even if he did get a modicum of the older man’s time and attention. Even if they found comfort between each other again, his family would always be there. At the end of every day, it would be Ruenna that he returned to. At the start of every morning, it would be their children that he kissed with good mornings and taught to be strong. 

Germanicus… I- I do not think there is a place for me or my- my needs in your home. I do not know if you offer out of kindness or politeness. I- I do not know if I can stand to know which it is, either. Would it have been so bad to stay? If he could only see Germanicus, wasn’t that enough? The weight of his chest told him that it was not. The love that ached inside him said the same. 

If Crowfeather stayed, it would kill him.

germanicus offered because he was selfish.

because each passing day did not lessen his love for ruenna but reminded him that crowfeather existed so closely.

because each time he recalled this thing he thought of how many centurions and generals and tribuni he had known which pursued their male lovers in the field yet still returned to fulfilling existences with wives and children.

germanicus wished to allow himself the licentious luxury of entertaining this most utopic of ideals.

crowfeather's words jarred him into a deep reality. 

"i offer it because i want to offer it. and because i want you to be safe. but if mereo could not be any place of happiness for you, then i would like to help you elsewhere. it is — what i want."

he struggled.

"the neb gucci says that if you ever wish to come back to akashingo, his word for your stature is already granted." the diminutive  noble had said far more than that but he cared not to remember those truths for now. his sungold gaze was steady. "but i believe you hated akashingo. the world is vast. where would you care to go, crowfeather?"

Germanicus was, in many ways, like the Pharaoh. His face was stricter and his emotions were craftily concealed, but most of his words were pleasing to those he spoke to, convincing. Crowfeather wished he could understand what his safety mattered to the man. He had spoken with care. The shadow wished that Germanicus would stop confusing him. These nice things, these moments were only fleeting. 

He left you. Crippled and alone - he left you and made a family, a home. Even after all his promises, he kept none of them. Spite washed through him again. He wished he did not feel that way. It was embarrassing and childish. Crowfeather could not help the jealous anger that had made room in his heart in Germanicus’ absence. Days had been spent waiting for the older man’s return… and yet, Crowfeather wondered how long he could have waited in Akashingo before Germanicus remembered his promises. How many moons would have passed if he had not traveled to the canyon on his own? 

It… it would probably be worse to stay here than in Pharaoh’s kingdom. I would not be a good guest. I could not look at Ruenna. Something curbed the burn inside of him. Disassociation passed over him. Emotion removed. He gazed at Germanicus with indifference. Your children would disgust me. 

Regret filled him seconds after the words had left. He wanted to cry, but he only felt that Germanicus would see him and think he was weak, useless. All he wanted was for that man to love him. 

I will travel east. Without you…

germanicus was a tactician. he had been trained to respond to nothing while gathering all information inside his mind. he had been taught that reply meant compromise. and it was this tenet he would use each time to craft his responses. he had long believed it was the most accurate way to be: objectivity before emotion.

there was therefore no rationale for the way his jawline tensed into the movement of a tectonic plate scraping another far below the surface of some foreign world.

he dropped his eyes away. he nodded. it was a single soft sweep of his muzzle: an acceptance.

crowfeather felt that akashingo was preferable than remaining close.

all at once it hurt to swallow. this was the end then. and it should be. and it must be. "will you go before the beginning of autumn?" the shadow meant to leave. germanicus wished to ensure he made it through the mountains before the terrible storms.

the imperator wished to speak of the east. he said nothing.

The older man responded in his way. Crowfeather did not bend. He had known this was coming, hadn’t he? All those days spent waiting. The shadow had not really believed that Germanicus would return to Akashingo. It would have been foolish. But hope had a way of making fools out of everyone. It had been hope that had kept him in the eagle’s old quarters. It had been hope that had turned his head to any unfamiliar scent that had drifted through the halls of the mesa. Hope had done nothing but turn him into a lovesick fool, and he knew it. 

Even after Germanicus had made his choice, Crowfeather believed he had a chance. It had not been until he had seen the man again that his hopes had crumbled. Too late, too sorry, he knew that it would never have been him that Germanicus would choose. 

I will leave as soon as Aquene says I am able. 

You can live your beautiful life. And Germanicus would never have to think of the shadow again. No more promises were left to be kept. 

I have to go back to speak to Gucci. And… to check on Belen. The Pharaoh, do you know- do you think he will do something to me if I do?

the end. the end. the end.

"i do not think so. he is in mourning. he may ask you to stay but he did not speak of you in terms of betrayal." 

he did not like to think of that first meeting.

"i have a soldier stationed there, glaukos. if for any reason i am incorrect, he will take you out of that place."

he wanted to keep crowfeather here. he did not know if he could envision a world in which the shadow would not be close. and it was this closeness which tormented him.

each thought was a betrayal of his wife. and yet they would not cease. 

germanicus felt that he had only ever once embraced crowfeather and now there would be no chance of even that again. the shadow did not wish it. the wants belonging to the eagle were selfish and cruel.

"i was all through every corner of the palace and i did not see someone named belen." many inhabitants of akashingo only stayed for a short while. at any rate he did not expect the jolt of jealousy and chagrin that followed.

"please allow mereo to provide an escort to akashingo. the saints still live and are gathered once more."

Mourning? 

Crowfeather was confused. 

Did something happen to Pharaoh? 

This was not the only piece of new information that was shared. Germanicus had gone back. He had been through every portion of Akashingo and had not met Belen. This wasn’t right - she would have greeted him. She would have said something to him if he was someone new. Fear struck him. If Ramesses was in mourning and Belen was nowhere to be found- 

Things were overwhelming for the shadow. He wished to remain straight-faced. He did not want Germanicus to know how much he hurt, how deep he was forced to cut to sever the ties he had built between them. Things moved far too fast for his liking. Change always took him by surprise. 

Crowfeather stared at the older man. He wanted to give him an escort. Did he pity him? He was sure he must have looked pathetic, three legs and the expression of a wounded puppy. 

I- fine. Just tell me what happened there. What had happened to his friend?

a misstep.

how had he not seen it?

crowfeather had been in recovery during all of this. he had not known. pain seared through germanicus for he knew his explanation would only bring agony.

he allowed only a moment to pass.

"some weeks ago, queen satsu was killed by poison. pharaoh asked me to bring soldiers and investigate. that is why i went."

a somber pause followed. he looked toward the shadow, though he only told himself it was for the sake of worrying. his heart rent. he knew crowfeather would experience a great blow. "i understand if this changes your intention to visit akashingo. i can arrange for gucci to come here before you go east."

the last two words were only slightly labored, as if they were greatly difficult to say. "but if you do return, she leaves behind three children who might find it healing to know of her as she was, before the palace."

he thought of them then. his very soul ached in harsh waves.

Satsu was dead – poisoned.

A faraway look crossed the dark figure’s face. His heart thrummed in his chest. Tears threatened to spring to his eyes, but they would not fall. Crowfeather was certain that he had never felt so defeated. The world seemed to take so much from him.

Even though their friendship had shifted, even though Satsu had grown into something else with her marriage to the Pharaoh, Crowfeather had loved her. She had been a dear friend to him when he had needed it most. The shadow could not believe that anyone would wish to harm her. He thought of the blue of her eyes and the names they had given to each other in hushed conversation. The world was a darker place without her. The light he had once seen was faded and smothered.

Satsu’s children would never know her as Crowfeather had known her.

No, he- he is small. It will be hard to travel here. I will go to him. I will… go.

But he did not know if he would see her children, or if he would speak to them about her. The dark figure did not know if Pharaoh would allow him anywhere near his offspring.

What did you find in your… investigating? The stare given to the older man was distant. Crowfeather was barely present.

again germanicus wished that crowfeather would take an escort. but this time he did not speak it. he would not press. he would set sentries all the same, to ensure that the young wolf reached the flatlands and that no danger was oncoming.

he must. he could not lose the shadow. it was inherent that crowfeather continued to leave, even if it could not be in this place.

or any other close.

the shadow grew closed. "i found only one with anything like a motive. and i found the most loyal of men who might aid her. but i remain unsure."

honesty. he would not lie.

he had omitted enough for his own sake.

So, Germanicus had found nothing that might help him uncover who had murdered Satsu. He approached the subject with an honest tone. Crowfeather was not sure if he preferred this to lies. It might have been better if he did not know the truth. It might have been a more peaceful world, if he could picture that Satsu was happy and healthy in it.

This place is a bad place…

Nothing good had come from his time in those lands. He wondered if the stars had followed him and had made it so that he could not live a happy life outside of the Starsea. Crowfeather hoped that this was not so. Still, he had seen too many terrible things in his time in the Teekon wilderness.

What will you do? the shadow demanded with a clenched jaw. How will justice be brought to her?

"i have informed him of those i suspect. he will make the call as to place the blame. my goal is to keep any such machinations from reaching mereo."

it was stilted, ugly small talk. he wanted to beg crowfeather to stay. he wanted to say nothing at all. his ribcage lifted with a short breath. "it is not an easy place," was all he rejoined.

the sungold gaze crept carefully to the shadow's own. he wanted to see something there. anything.

Crowfeather wanted to press for more. He wished to hear about each of the suspects from Germanicus’ perspective. He wanted to know the reasons they had been submitted to the Pharaoh as the most likely of culprits. It was not as though he could have done anything with this information. He only wished to know that there would be justice served to the horrible souls who had taken Satsu’s life.

If only he could have traded places with her.

Germanicus looked to him as though expecting that he might say something more. The shadow stared back, welling with emotion that he knew would not be welcome. Nothing he had cried out had shifted much in the world.

About those things that I said… before. Crowfeather winced. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have- I- I was being a fool. The dark figure hung his head and breathed out an airy little laugh.

I had thought that if I somehow got here, if I got here and told you all those things I was feeling-

I thought that you would love me too.

Well, it was silly. I shouldn’t have done it.

crowfeather took back his words.

and then he extended them again in the form of an explanation. 

the shadow pulled at all of germanicus. there was at last great effort in his face. there was more than the barest shadow. crowfeather would see it now.

"never apologize for it." his voice was almost a rasp. the eagle cleared his throat and looked away. "it was not a burden to hear those things."

germanicus searched himself for any vestige of regret. he was ready to excise it and cast it out of himself. 

what had crowfeather thought? what had he hoped?

this was the life he had chosen. and at his side was not the shadow. "i told myself it could not be." it was an allusion to the first time he had noticed the ways in which crowfeather looked at him. "and then i made it so."

this was an admission of cruelty, a soldier's brisk and objective decision to change the course of his own life rather than stray into the unknown. even with the one before him now. his heart thudded. "it was selfish. i chose what i felt was best — for us both."

Well, looking at what you’ve made… you were probably right. At least, it seems this was what was best for you.

There was a long pause. Crowfeather blinked slowly, wishing that he could unlock what was underneath the older man’s features. Germanicus had given him more than he ever had before. It was still stiff. It still felt as though the silver-muzzled man spoke dismissively of whatever had existed between them before his transfer to Mereo.

I do not know what is best for me…

It was not what they had arrived at. Crowfeather knew that he would carry his feelings for the silver eagle for many days to come. He feared that he might never remove the sharp yellow eyes from his mind, that Germanicus would remain apart of him until he had grown withered and old. The shadow had never wished for another chance before, but he wished for it then. He wished they could go back to the evening in the glen – the fireflies dancing around them – and that he would have a chance to stray Germanicus away from the caldera where he had met Ruenna.

No such thing would ever happen. Those moments were locked away in his memory, fuel for the fire that burned in his heart.

Maybe… I should learn how to be more selfish, too.

"perhaps you should."

the pain was eddying away to be replaced with a dryness. an emptiness. the eagle's lips quirked. it was not a smile. it was not even humorous. it was only a movement that suggested more than what he said.

"i did what i was trained to do."

mereo had succeeded. mereo had become more than soldiers marching and training. it was a home for many. it was his own, where his children and his wife resided. 

but the fact remained that germanicus had built a half-dozen outposts already and that while mereo belonged to him, the ease of it had not been all his own doing.

there was nothing more to say and so he was quiet, though he gathered slowly into himself and prepared to rise.