Moonspear I don't wanna be sober

It was hard not to dip out and go hunt him down. Fennec wanted nothing more than to go find her brother and beg for his forgiveness, beg him not to hate her for being stupid about things again, and try to figure out some way to make all of this right somehow. She thought about it constantly, but every time she did, she knew she couldn’t. Her tracking him down wouldn’t solve anything if he didn’t want to talk to her. Trying to do it was selfish, and useless, and in the end might just make things worse. She wouldn’t know where to start anyway.

She hated how much it was killing her, knowing the way he felt. Apparently some part of her had counted on him always forgiving her and accepting her bullshit, knowing it wasn’t personal, knowing it was just how she was. She hadn’t thought anything could make a bigger hole than the dreams Germanicus had shattered. She was wrong. Fig’s continued absence was a slow bleed from a gaping tear, one she could physically feel anytime she thought about it. She deserved every bit of this - she’d done it to him first. No wonder he hated her.

She couldn’t fix that and she couldn’t talk about it with anyone who would really understand, but she couldn’t do nothing either. That was why, despite her reservations, she showed up at @Meerkat’s den that morning.

Hey. Can we talk? She didn’t care if they stayed where the kids were. She could hear some amount of activity and knew that Njord had come back recently, though she didn’t know where he’d disappeared to. She hadn’t considered him enough yet to actually bother meeting him - another thing to fix, soon.

But first this.

Orca and Seal were fast asleep, so Meerkat carefully (and quietly!) tidied up the den. She was nearly finished when Fennec darkened her doorstep. Her sister’s words piqued her curiosity and a little bit of dread too, if she was being honest.

Of course, she replied, keeping her voice down and hesitating before very gently nudging Fen’s shoulder. Let’s step outside. The girls are napping.

no rush on this obvi <3 I know it's still weekend time but I'm excited she had the char motivation to do this! Been waiting for an excuse for a whileee

Fennec felt some of that same dread, but smaller and for different reasons. It wasn't the honesty or the prospect of an uncomfortable conversation that worried her. She could handle both of those things (and sometimes reveled in them). It was the chance that she'd do a shit job explaining and send Meerkat off in the same way she'd sent others. The whole Fig thing, and the things that preceded it, had left her wondering if she sometimes wasn't her own worst enemy when it came to family too. (It's me, hi... I'm the problem, it's me)

Sure. Fennec replied softly, backing out and giving Meerkat room to exit as well. If she was less distracted she might have paid more attention and noticed that but she'd been too pre-occupied with simply confirming that Meerkat was home.

Sorry, this shouldn't take long. I just wanted to kind of explain some things. Last time we talked I was a bitch about some of it, mainly because it was hard for me to understand why you suddenly seemed to care about us being sisters. I don't mean it in a bad way, exactly, it just never felt like we were. You were always more Bronco's sister than mine. That there, the brutal honesty. She really wasn't sure how this was going to go over, but she figured Meerkat had to agree. She'd even kind of said the same thing, last time, albeit with a little more grace.

It's not an excuse, but I don't like the idea of anyone feeling like they owe me anything. I've never really figured out how to be a sister to any of you, really, and it does kind of suck now. I won't lie. But basically, if you want to change that, we can try. But if you are okay with things how they are, I get it, and I won't be mad. I think I let Bronco get between us a little bit too. I was always pretty jealous when you two would take off on trips and leave me behind. It only happened a couple of times but it had been the source of a few of their bigger arguments.

That was a lot more than she'd planned on saying, so she paused apprehensively and tried to listen for a reaction.

They walked a couple dozen yards away. Meerkat halted, gauging the distance to the ulaq. If they weren’t too loud, they shouldn’t disturb the girls. And if either of them woke, she should probably hear. She positioned herself so her good ear faced the den, eyes coming to rest on Fennec’s face.

It was tempting to interrupt a time or two, though Meerkat said nothing as Fennec spoke. This speech was unexpected in a lot of ways, though she did her best to listen comprehensively, versus worry about what she was going to say once it was done.

The time came for a response of some kind, though Meerkat said, I need a moment to think, because she didn’t want to shoot from the hip with this.

A few moments later, she said, I’ve always cared about you, even if we weren’t close. But as for why I suddenly seemed to care more, well… this isn’t going to necessarily paint me in the best light but it’s the honest truth. You joined my pack. You were going to be staying here and I saw an opportunity to finally apologize for my past behavior and hopefully get a fresh start. I would still love to try rebuilding a relationship with you, Fen.

I want to get to know Killer too. And I want you to be involved with my kids, if that’s something you’d like to do. I heard you stopped by the lodge and played with Seal the other day. She won’t stop talking about her Auntie Curse…

Meerkat wasn’t entirely sure she’d said the right things, though hopefully the message was pretty clear: she definitely wanted a do-over. She reached out to touch Fennec lightly on the shoulder, her way of hoping to convey sincerity since she couldn’t hold her sister’s gaze.

I love that song!

I assumed Meerkat would hear about this interaction in some capacity but I can remove that mention if you would prefer. :)

Fennec smiled a little tersely, but didn’t step back when she felt Meerkat reach out. What she said was reasonable but it was also part of what she’d feared.

It’s honest, which is what I want. I guess I wish it felt like I had family outside of a pack. And anyone cared more than that. Like, if I chose someplace different… someone would bother with wanting to know how it was going. That’s really not your problem, so don’t worry about it. It’s me who can’t figure out how to keep a relationship with anyone but mom and dad.

Sometimes she even wondered if they would bother, if she didn’t have Killdeer with her. It was insecurity speaking when those thoughts came but she still gave into them at times.

Packmates, then. She could live with it. She didn’t mention Meerkat’s kids right now, since this wasn’t exactly about them. Their kids were separate and Killer and her weren’t always guaranteed to be a match set. The same went for Meerkat’s. She always wanted something that existed outside of them, but that seemed a big consideration too. She wondered if what she wanted was unreasonable and not a normal thing to expect. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Meerkat tried to think of what to say to Fennec’s next confession. Anything that came to mind hit like a platitude, which was not what either one of them wanted. Perhaps it was best not to say anything at all sometimes, to just listen and acknowledge.

I hope you find that, Meerkat said. Pack mates, she concurred, which is fitting because we tend to think of one another as village sisters. I consider Sialuk found family, for instance. We’ve been there for each other since we were kids, even if there was a lot of time and distance between us at times.

It sounded like Fen wanted something like that. Perhaps Sialuk could fulfill that role or someone else on the mountain, if not Meerkat herself. She shifted, staying quiet, but ready and willing to listen if Fennec had anything further to say.

It wasn’t what she wanted at all but she would take it. It was likely all she would get. Packmates. Village sisters. The clarification only made it more clear that just “sisters” wasn’t in the cards. Meerkat didn’t seem to take issue with keeping things decidedly un-family and Fennec felt she’d already whined enough in this conversation. This was just kind of how it was going to be.

Sure. Thanks. I’ll leave you to it, then. I hope you find that then.. If she couldn’t with her own family, then there was no fucking chance. She’d just have to settle for that.

They’d resolved things and she somehow felt worse. Not wanting to make it Meerkat’s problem, she turned to leave, making her way back towards the trail that would lead further up the mountain. She’d get over it… she just needed a little bit. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting to get out of this but right now, she wondered if she shouldn’t have just left things alone.

Wait, Meerkat blurted, totally perplexed when Fennec suddenly dismissed herself, what?

What had she said wrong this time? She rewound her immediately previous words. Meerkat quickly shook her head. The only way she could know for certain was to ask and Fen was already leaving!

Hey, Fen, wait! What’s wrong? Why’re you leaving? Why don’t you hang out here and chat a while? Isn’t that what both pack mates and sisters do? Meerkat asked, still feeling flummoxed.

Fennec froze, but didn’t turn around. I told you I wouldn’t keep you long. She replied, still ready to leave. She could ask for clarification, but the need for validation wasn’t enough to overcome her aversion towards outright asking for things. She didn’t want empty words. She wanted Meerkat to want this as badly as she did, and that wasn’t reasonable to expect.

Meerkat had other sisters. And Fennec had chased her brother away.

I don’t know, what packmates or sisters do. It had been to long since she’d felt like she truly had either. She wanted to keep walking and get the hell out of this vulnerable conversation, but something held her in place.

Okay, Meerkat answered, shooting from the hip after all, but I never said I wouldn’t keep you for long.

She blinked, unsure if she felt like an idiot or an idiot savant for that comment. In any case, she drew in a deep breath and went still at Fen’s follow-up remark.

We hang out and talk, even if it’s about nothing in particular. Because it’s nice to have company sometimes, especially if it can talk in complete sentences, Meerkat said, glancing over at the ulaq, grateful that her shouting hadn’t roused the pups.

Taking another breath and collecting her thoughts a bit more, Meerkat added, Or, if you really hate small talk, we don’t even have to sit around and prattle. We can always do something together. How do you like to spend your time when you’re on your own? What’s your favorite hobby?

She had to actively fight against the urge to shut the whole thing down and walk away anyway. The perceived rejection from earlier hung over and initiated the self-destructive urge. Even just a few months ago, she might have done it.

She knew she was her own worst enemy, and the fact that she had few/no friends to call her own had pressed itself into her mind in a way that was hard to shake. She couldn't keep pushing everyone away. It didn't need to be all or nothing; something was better.

Fennec had to take a moment before turning back around, silently slightly choked on what to say. Now she was distinctly uncomfortable. She hadn't asked for this, had no reason to believe this was pity, but she'd revealed enough that she could feel the prospect of Meerkat's judgement on her. What was wrong with her? She used to be normal about this shit. Having no or few friends never used to be an issue - she'd fuck with people constantly for fun. Now she didn't even know what to say in a conversation about fucking hobbies.

Fuck. She said softly, then turned to at least better face Meerkat. Sorry. I don't have any right now. I need to find some new ones. She wouldn't pick up gardening again. She refused.

The curse made Meerkat’s ears sweep back uncertainly, though it was quickly followed by an apology. This admission surprised her more than anything else, perhaps because it felt like instead of bricking up the wall around her ever higher, Fennec had removed a brick, giving Meerkat a tiny glimpse through the barricade.

The envoy pursed her lips a moment, tempted to ask Fen what she’d enjoyed doing before. But she supposed it didn’t matter. It did make sense to look forward rather than backward.

Okay, that can be an interesting past time in and of itself: discovering a new hobby, Meerkat replied. For somewhere to start, maybe you can join me for some of mine? Aside from the obvious—taking care of my daughters—I really like exploring. I haven’t had much of a chance to check out the nearby territories here. Would you like to come with me next time I plan a foray?

Taking care of kids wasn’t a hobby that was available to her, but she let that roll and appreciated the alternative. Sure.

Of course she then immediately thought of a snag. Unless you still keep in touch with Bronco, and plan on visiting. I’ll need to pass on that part. I don’t have plans to ever be around him again, if I can help it. That didn’t need to disqualify her the whole trip unless he was around for the entire thing. She had no idea how close the two of them were anymore; she’d assumed pretty damn tight.

Fennec’s easy, “Sure,” really warmed Meerkat’s heart. She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, prepared to be rebuffed. But her sister was happy to come along, provided their itinerary didn’t include visiting with Bronco.

I don’t, actually, Meerkat said quietly. I don’t even know where Bronco lives. She sensed that Fennec must, though she didn’t ask. I don’t avoid him deliberately or anything but he hasn’t been a part of my life for a long time, she added, frowning as she thought of their strange meeting at Sapphique’s borders.

I’m at least passingly familiar with most of the places east of here, near the caldera, so I was thinking of heading north sometime, Meerkat posited. Maybe checking out the quarry there or even just the terrace. How’s that sound?

She wondered if Fennec’s mental checklist only consisted of places to avoid or if there was anywhere in particular her sister might enjoy exploring. Meerkat sniffed, giving her sister a chance to answer the question first.

He’s in Brecheliant. The Caldera. We joined here so Killdeer could visit more easily. She wouldn’t go into details, but it was comforting to know they didn’t speak much anymore. She wouldn’t have taken it personally but she would have wondered what sort of impression Meerkat had of her as a result of it.

Anywhere is fine, though. I’ve explored enough on my own to know I don’t really have a preference, except that I am not a big fan of the shore. The sand makes it harder to get around than other places. It was harder to tell when she was going to trip over something, on top of the more difficult walking.

But I’ve been there a few times anyway, just because others wanted to visit. A few was key, though. It wasn’t often she’d been invited along on trips and she really appreciated the gesture.

Apparently Meerkat had understood the assignment without even being aware of it. Had she known that Brecheliant occupied the caldera now? It made her feel a little strange, though Meerkat stowed that thought for some other time.

Fennec wouldn’t see the effect her mention of the shore had on Meerkat’s expression. Her eyes tightened and her jaw clenched. Fortunately, that definitely wouldn’t be a problem either.

I have no desire to go anywhere near the shore ever again, myself, she admitted. We’ll stick with the terrace and maybe the quarry, depending how the day goes. Want to plan to meet at the borders a few days from now? She almost suggested they meet at sunrise, though caught herself just in time and said instead, Probably early, if that works. I can call for you when the time comes.

If they had a good time, she would insist Fennec pick the destination next time. Meerkat really hoped they did and that there would be a next time, even before they’d begun.

I can start the followup thread if/when you want!

Meerkat, conversely, would likely see the relief on Fennec’s expression when her comment on the shore was accepted without question. She still had a measure of guilt for seemingly forcing Killer away from the island, but having someone understand (and agree) with her preference helped. So often it was hard to find a way to help them understand what her experiences were like. Mainly because it had been too long since she’d been able to see - she had no idea how anyone did like the shoreline and a ground obscured in sand.

I’ve not been staying too far from here, so no problem. I can find you when you call. She was learning the popular routes on the mountain slowly, and combined with her previous knowledge, was able to (slowly) navigate pretty well. Speed would come with time, but speed wasn’t an issue generally.

Thanks, Meerkat. This… it means a lot. Fennec’s tail twitched behind her with slight discomfort, but the statement was soft and sincere. She didn’t know if it was just a casual invitation to her sister, but for Fennec, it was someone offering her a chance.

anytime is fine!!

Meerkat heard shuffling from the ulaq, prompting her to turn. A small whine floated out to her. Lifting her head a little, she crooned a note to let her daughters know she was close by if out of sight.

Facing Fennec again, she replied with a smile, You don’t need to thank me. But you’re welcome, in any case. That’s my cue. I’ll see you soon?

She felt fairly confident about reaching out to nudge one of Fen’s sandy shoulders. Meerkat then turned and quickly strode back to quell the fussy cries quickly building volume in her ulaq.

She did, though. Soon. She confirmed, then turned and left Meerkat to her kids. She could have stuck around and spent time with her and the kids, but she was suddenly exhausted by the emotional roller coaster this had been. She could use a little time to herself before then.

Still, she felt more level than she had in a while. Just having something to look forward to, with someone else who wanted to do it with her, was something she hadn’t experienced since the disappointment that was Germanicus. This didn’t have the weight behind it his promised trip had, but that only made it better. There was no sentimentality and that meant there was no reason to assume it wouldn’t happen.