Redhawk Caldera we'll always have this dance

Several hours after hearing Towhee's howl, Meerkat finally returned to the caldera. She considered finding more poppy seeds beforehand; she verily craved the way they turned off all her worries for a while. Taking some would certainly smooth out the jagged edges of her mixed emotions as she faced meeting her nephew for the first time. But she decided to head back with a clear head firmly attached to her shoulders.

Her pulse fluttered as she found her way to @Fennec's den and smelled the pup for the first time. Her eyes flitted side to side, looking for any sign of @Bronco. She wasn't sure she could handle seeing him... or any of them, honestly. Meerkat still didn't quite understand where this feeling came from, what it meant or why it was so damn strong. She just knew she couldn't control it.

She did make an effort, though. Meerkat drew in steadying breaths and tried to force a smile. Surely once she met the puppy, she would feel the same love for him as her younger siblings. Maybe she just needed to set eyes on him and all these peculiar feelings would melt away like they did when she ate poppy seeds. Yes, maybe she just needed a hit of @Killdeer.

A few weeks. Fennec, bored, had begun experimenting with Killdeer a bit when Bronco wasn't around to see. Nothing dangerous. But she liked to see what range of motion he had, and there was a lot of amusement to be found in boxing him in with her forelegs and feeling him work his way out of the situation, or giving him random things to hunt for and seeing if he caught the gist and found them. Sometimes he did, though that might have been more by luck than any real knowledge on his part. It definitely happened more often when she pointed him at it.

He was trundling his way over her foreleg when Meerkat approached, and Fennec invited her in vocally without moving. She had kind of lost track on if her sister was still in the pack to be honest; she hadn't seen much of her and Meerkat tended to bounce to and fro. Unlike her brother and dad, however, Meerkat didn't get the brunt of her hypocrisy. Just like with Alyx, her younger siblings were a little different.

Hey. She greeted her casually, unaware that she'd been being avoided with reason.

Fennec noticed her and invited her closer. Feeling caught out, Meerkat hesitated for an instant before approaching the dim doorway. She slowly peeked her head inside, her eyes flitting across her sister's face before dropping to the little bundle of joy himself.

He looked nothing like either of his parents. His coloration actually reminded her of Phox and Towhee. Meerkat stared for several beats, waiting for the love to rush in like it had with her half-siblings. The seconds ticked past and she mostly just felt nothing, toward him at least.

But as she continued staring at this irrefutable evidence of Bronco's and Fennec's relationship—almost certainly loving if not outright romantic—Meerkat's mouth went dry. It wasn't because they were her older siblings; she understood they weren't really related. It was because they had this connection, this intimacy. Not only did it exclude her, she hadn't even been remotely aware of it.

Her throat felt tight and she tore her eyes away, looking into Fen's eyes even though she couldn't return her gaze. Meerkat just wanted to be happy for her sister, her brother too, but she couldn't swallow the lump as her face started to crumple.

cackles

She heard Meerkat come in, but there was a long stretch of awkward silence that felt extremely out of place with her usually cheerful sister. She knew things had been a little different since everything... happened. But her sister had never, to her recollection, been this quiet around her.

Fennec's brow lifted slightly into a curious expression. Feel free to take advantage of the fact that he can't hear you. And that Bronco isn't around. If he's hideous, I'm not going to care, but don't let him or mom hear you say it. She chuckled wryly, rolling the pup onto his back and tickling his belly lightly. She felt the legs kick against her paw and waited, head tilted, for Meerkat to spill it.

She ducked her head down before remembering that Fennec couldn't see her expression. Drawing in a suddenly wet breath, she looked up and watched through tears as her sister played with the baby. It was an objectively endearing sight, though something about it made the tears come faster. Meerkat did her best to cry quietly, at least.

She desperately wanted to leave, particularly before Fen really cottoned onto her, but something about being here was helping her clarify these godawful feelings. So she was, what, jealous? It wasn't like she wanted either one of them to herself. Meerkat didn't even know how she felt about a mate or family of her own, not since Atlas. And whatever they were to each other, they were her older brother and sister.

Something about that train of thought niggled at her as she wiped at her runny nose. Just because she didn't want Bronco in that sense didn't mean she didn't want him to herself, she slowly realized. And now Fen's own words echoed in her head: "...Bronco isn't around..."

Meerkat missed him. They'd been so close, once, doing pretty much everything together. And now he felt remote. It didn't make much sense, since they lived in the same place. They saw each other in passing all the time. But they'd both been so busy with other things—Meerkat with her search for Phox et al, Bronco knocking up Fennec—she realized that simply wasn't the case now. They weren't close anymore.

Now, he was close to Fennec and their son instead. They were a picture perfect family of three. Feeling winded, Meerkat began to back out of the den, suddenly afraid he would come home and find her here. All she wanted was to see him and go back to the way things used to be... yet that was impossible, so she didn't want to see him at all.

Well, shit. The kid must have been hideous because was Meerkat crying right now?

Fennec knew it didn't actually have anything to do with Killdeer, so her expression immediately went serious as her sister started to back out. Hey, Meerk. What is it?

If she came here for some other reason, and something was wrong, then Fennec still wanted to know. She couldn't really leave right now to do her job as medic, but that didn't mean she wasn't there in an emergency. This didn't sound like that sort of situation, but Meerkat certainly sounded like she had something going on. I can come out for a few minutes, if that's better for you.

Fennec noticed. It was too late to avoid her, though not too late to avoid Bronco. Meerkat was suddenly frantic about that possibility, which made no sense. None of this made any sense to her. Man, she needed some poppy seeds right now. She couldn't deal with all these confusing, nonsensical emotions that came from out of goddamn nowhere.

"I'm sorry," she spluttered around the absolute gob in her throat, "I don't know what's wrong with me." That was at least partly true. But how could she possibly explain her issues to anyone else, if she couldn't even get a grip on them herself? And how could she even consider unloading this on Fennec, who was now a mother with a newborn to look after?

Feeling more and more mortified by the moment—god, she was a way bigger crybaby than the actual baby in the room—she backed all the way out of the den. Meerkat wanted to bolt, though first she looked around to make sure the coast was clear of any Broncos.

Fennec started to get up, but before she could properly get to her feet and situate the pup, Meerkat was already outside. Despite her excuse, Fennec frowned, surprisingly a little.. hurt.

Look, she didn't have any false aspirations that she was big sister of the year or anything. But talking with Alyx, and helping her out, had been really pretty cool. And Meerkat's abrupt departure felt a little like a snub. One that she could easily brush off and keep going, but a little bit shitty just the same.

Okay. She was... well, she was here. Didn't really need to say that. Still a little miffed, Fennec sat back down. That was weird, wasn't it? Don't worry. I won't tell dad Meerkat thought you were hideous. She had to smile despite herself, then went back to toying with him.

Her eyes and nose told her he wasn't currently in the area. He was probably hunting for his mate and child, although Meerkat didn't know if Fennec actually held that title. She felt like she didn't know anything about the true nature of the relationship between those two. That was part of what stung.

If she'd felt like a heel before, she really felt like one as she fled the den site. She felt bad for putting Fennec through that, whatever it was, and with every footstep that carried her further from mother and son, the guilt compounded. She didn't want to feel like this. It was totally unfair to everyone involved, including little Killdeer.

He isn't hideous, she thought in Fen's direction, wishing she'd at least said that much. He's actually... really cute. Tears blurred Meerkat's vision, causing her to stumble, but she didn't slow down or stop. She knew she couldn't run away from her emotions (even though they could clearly run away from her) but she absolutely could run toward the release her body now practically screamed for.