Ankyra Sound holy water

The cold sand shifting beneath her feet was like a metaphor for her life lately. Everything felt so unstable. Her eyes cast out to sea, watching the choppy waves breaking beneath a gray November sky, and Meerkat thought that was all fitting too. Njord had been back for more than a month but her misery had returned too, now of a different flavor.

She turned, glancing toward the cliffs where she knew a whale carcass sprawled on the beach. Meerkat had avoided the feast. Really, she had withdrawn from the pack as a whole. She only really spoke to her husband and sons and spent a lot of time roaming just beyond Sapphique’s outskirts, as she was doing now.

The surf swept up the beach and lashed at her toes. Meerkat let the ice cold water swirl around her ankles, noting the pull as the seawater rushed back home. She thought she could relate to that tugging sensation too.

Having the whale beached along their shore meant that they did not have to hunt, necessarily, for food. Chacal had begun stripping chunks of blubber from the creature, and burying them deep in the earth so that they might freeze, and provide sustenance for the wolves of Sapphique for some time to come. High in fat, it would be an invaluable resource if the winter was particularly cold or if a famine struck them. In addition to that, she thought it might be a good supplement for childbearing women. 

Having caught wind that the Laramite was hoping to have another litter, Chacal decided to seek her out. Meerkat had been a welcome companion in those early days of motherhood. She'd not come near the carcass, from what Chacal could tell, and she wondered why the woman might keep herself so withdrawn in the presence of such a nutritious and plentiful meal. When she found the woman's tracks leading down the shoreline toward Ankyra Sound, she followed. 

She knew, of course, that Mercy had gone to start an adventure of her own, and Chacal knew what that was like. She would perhaps be able to offer a sympathetic ear, if that was what Meerkat needed. She saw the fawn woman standing in the shallow reaches of the waves, and smiled. Whether she was aware of it or not, she was doing what many seawolves did by nature. It was almost like getting a massage for both the legs and the mind. The sound of water pushing and pulling against sand, flipping pebble over pebble could be hypnotic.

The retreating saltwater eroded the sand beneath her feet. Meerkat continued standing there, her eyes gone glassy as she focused on the sensations in her lower body. Only when someone joined her did she snap out of it, sidestepping the surf and giving each partially numbed paw a dainty shake.

She felt her heart thumping steadily against her breastbone as she pivoted to properly face Chacal, wondering what brought the Tanzanite out here today. She supposed it was possible her absence had been noticed and was some cause for concern. Although she had felt more and more ostracized since Njord’s return, Meerkat would not soon forget that the pack had comforted and supported her during his absence. She knew they cared about her.

But… More than anything, she found herself saying without preamble, I want to be a mother again in the spring.

"More nipple biters, really?" Chacal murmured with a musical chuckle. 

Meerkat's nervousness was palpable, but Chacal was calm, content to stay where the surf could massage her ankles a bit more, foam flicking against her flanks if it rushed in. She did turn to look at Meerkat, and realized that she was captivated by something near to desperation in the statement she'd made. Having children, it seemed, was very important to her- a sentiment that Chacal could understand. 

She preferred to be as transparent as possible, most times. 

"I be given a request from Jorunn an' Erzulie too,
De former be wantin' a litter in springtime, like you. 
Me as well, I would like to 'ave another,
dere be not'ing quite like bein' a mother," She said warmly. 

"We 'ave children who will be nearing a year
by de time more children come along; I don't fear
dat we might fin' ourselves short on resources.
We be puttin' de young ones to use, in full force." A slight chuckle. 

"An' we 'ave a bounty blessed upon our shores-
it should feed us until new year, an' we cache some, of course.
Mireille, I hear, has already offered her blessing to you-
an' if she feel it be so, den I do too."

She said. Of course, she agreed in most cases with her sister's sentiments and beliefs. She wasn't sure yet if Mirelle also planned on having a litter, but such things did not need to be decided so early. She wouldn't rush her sister's plans, but had faith that her judgement was sound.

Chacal made an affectionate jest, though Meerkat couldn’t get her cheek muscles to cooperate and gave up on smiling after a few seconds. She couldn’t think of any way to respond in kind, so she said nothing. She wished she could make light of this, though it weighed more heavily on her with each passing day.

Like a siren of the sea, the Tanzanite began to sing. There was a warmth to her voice, even as she delivered news that froze Meerkat’s heart. There were many women in Sapphique who wanted the same thing she did. And though both Chacal and Mireille seemed optimistic, the Laramite could not shake her misgivings.

Chacal’s final note rang with a blessing to match her sister’s. Meerkat managed the tiniest, most fleeting smile this time, though she quickly looked out to sea again. She wished it was that simple. But food wasn’t the only resource that worried the Sveijarn-Corten.

After a contemplative silence filled with the rhythmic pounding of the surf, Meerkat finally turned to face Chacal again and posited, With so many of us hoping to welcome litters in the spring, perhaps we’ve outgrown the cliffs?

She lapsed into silence again, restlessly shifting her weight before saying, It’s not just that. I appreciate your blessing, Mireille’s too. But I know not everyone wants Njord here, much less granting him breeding privileges. And I don’t want to be the cause of enmity in the ranks.

As she did not seem to celebrate right away, Chacal suspected that Meerkat had more concerns, and she had figure that at some point, the two might talk about those concerns. Chacal did not pry into the family's business, and while she did take her brother's concerns seriously, she chose to go by her own feelings. She did not know the circumstances that had led to Njord's extended absence but from what she could gather, it had not been intended. The sea would give and take as it pleased; part of the reason that typically, the women of Sapphique relied on each other for child support than a husband. Men were wont to wander, it seemed; and the sea found them to be easy targets. 

She felt lightly ruffled by Meerkat's suggestion at first, as though she was asking if the land might be exhausted from their presence following the birth of more children. Chacal was very attached to her home, and did not believe such a problem would arise from a place that had always been so hospitable, despite the temperamental weather. But, it wasn't a bad question. Chacal took the insight after a moment, thoughtfully, and tilted her head from side as though weighing the idea. 

"Per'aps. But I see no 'arm in making Sapphique strong. 
Dragoncrest Cliffs 'as been our homelands for so long.
If we need to expand our land, dat be something we can do,
but dat be many months in de future; don't let it worry you." 

She smiled softly. Meerkat was a thoughtful packmate, who seemed to keep the wellfare of the entire pack in mind, which was definitely appreciated. It was appreciated that she voiced her concerns openly, rather than allowing them to stew. While she was not blood, she was family, and her input was valued. 

What she said next was something Chacal had anticipated as a conversation. First, though, she sought clarity. "When you say 'not everyone,' who be it you mean?" She asked quietly. Sobo, she knew, was not welcoming of Njord, and that was a grudge that seemed to stick regardless of what Njord tried to do. His prolonged absence had done nothing to better his son's impression. But if there were others who were treating Njord unjustly, she wished to know.

The next verse of Chacal’s song made Meerkat blink. Her lips parted. She worried that her inference had been misunderstood. Before she could press the matter, the Tanzanite posed a question that momentarily sidetracked the Laramite’s attention.

Some didn’t welcome him back as warmly as you, she said, her voice growing quieter, and I understand that. It wasn’t the first time he’d disappeared. She let out a breath. But even one family member’s disapproval is hard for me to deal with, Meerkat confessed, even if it’s valid. Even if it’s not directed at me. Njord is my heart and soul—we are one—so it affects me. And our present and future children.

Her gaze had returned to the churning waters, though now her eyes swung back to Chacal’s face, hoping for understanding. That reminded her of the possibly misconstrued sentiment moments prior, which she sought now to put to rights.

When I said we’ve outgrown the cliffs, I meant… well, sometimes I wonder whether it would be best for everyone if we left. But of course I wouldn’t want to turn my back on Sapphique, Meerkat said quickly before continuing awkwardly, It feels idealistic and presumptuous to say it out loud but sometimes… I think about settling somewhere close by, like sort of a… sister pack.

She didn't speak a name, which Chacal could understand- Meerkat was probably trying to avoid having any comeuppance, but if she was going to express a concern to her leader, she couldn't be quite so vague. It seemed, though, that she understood that there might not be much for her to do- and Chacal was glad she was willing to allow those wolves to have their opinion. She was sensitive, it seemed, much like Etienne who blamed himself for wrongs he did not commit so that he might spare another the grief. 

"I understand why you might be stressed about dis, mon ami,
you care much for bot' Njord an' de pack, Cheri. 
I cannot change de mind of even de ones I love so,
but I t'ink you be doin' de best of what you can do." 

She hoped Meerkat would find that at least somewhat encouraging. 

"I fear Sobo be set in 'is ways," She said. She wasn't afraid to speak her brother's name, as he had not made it secret that he held a grudge. 
"An' I am sorry dat it causes you dismay. 
Dere be not'ing you 'ave done wrong,
He is de one who holds de grudge for so long. 
Perhaps wid time dis may change, 
but 'ow long it will take, I cannot say. 
But please, love, do not let dis change your heart;
love your man, love your children, as you 'ave from de start."

She did not want Meerkat to feel as though this family issue needed to corrupt the family she had with Njord. Those children were, after all, the children of Sapphique and were viewed, then, as family. Blood relations were important, but so were those who had joined them and had proven themselves. Meerkat had sacrificed the home she'd had to come to Sapphique, and had made herself both amenable and useful to the pack. She could have chosen to push Sobo away, but as far as Chacal could see, it was Sobo who was choosing to be distant and unforgiving. 

At first, she thought Meerkat was saying that the whole pack should leave the cliffs- but she realized, soon thereafter, that she was talking more about her own family, than the whole pack. Chacal frowned slightly. She didn't think they would be so overpopulated that any wolves, much less an entire family of them, would need to move in order to avoid crowding...But she assumed perhaps Meerkat simply felt isolated within the place she called home. So, Chacal moved closer, and lifted a saltwater leg to wrap it about Meerkat's shoulders if she would allow, and give her a squeeze. 

"Someday, dis could be a possibility-
But right now, I would rather 'ave you here, wid me." She said, with a soft laugh, reaching to give Meerkat's cheek a sisterly kiss. She aimed not to dismiss Meerkat's feelings, but to make sure she still felt welcomed and wanted in the pack.

It felt strange, putting it out there, and she had no idea how it might be taken. Perhaps Chacal would find offense in the suggestion. Or perhaps she would agree that it was the best course. Meerkat sort of feared either possibility equally.

She bit at her lip when Chacal mentioned Sobo by name. Did she know that Rosalyn and even Erzulie had also been slow to embrace Njord’s return? Meerkat wished she could force herself to focus more on the positives. Two of the three leaders had easily welcomed her husband home. Their children had done the same. She should not let the relatively few overshadow her outlook so much.

The Tanzanite insisted she preferred Meerkat to stay right here, complementing the words with a sisterly kiss the Laramite did not see coming. Her eyes widened in surprise but she felt herself flush, quietly pleased by these expressions of affection. They meant a lot.

Thank you, she said quietly. Not just for saying that but for letting me get that off my chest. And for listening.

The horizon was still hazy—literally as well as metaphorically—but Meerkat felt a little brighter for this conversation. She also felt a little silly, like she’d perhaps said too much, but as she glanced at Chacal and felt the warmth of the other woman’s kiss lingering on her cheek, the blush of heat under her skin was as much delight as embarrassment.

Meerkat's appreciative was honest. That was one of the things that Chacal liked most about her, was that there really wasn't much she would expect that would come from her tan packmate but the truth. She was valuable to the pack- a skilled coach and therapist would have plenty of good ideas to share with them, and Chacal could count on her cardinal points being true. Meerkat didn't seem to be the type to lie. 

For now, she thought the 'sister pack' suggestion stemmed a bit too much from Meerkat wanting to escape from being in a pack that had a wolf- potentially others- who had not truly forgiven Njord. If it was truly what the woman wanted, then perhaps she would find a way to make that happen, but Chacal did not anticipate that happening soon. In addition to that, she'd hoped that perhaps a sister pack for Sapphique might have been placed in the hands of one of her own children, someday. But that would be years down the road, of course. Not something they needed to worry about today. 

"You are welcome, Meerkat. an' I hope you will feel at home, here.
Dere be many of us who want you to stay for many years." She reassured. 
"Now- let us talk of happy things!
What are your 'opes for children come spring?" 

Of course, the answer for most women was 'healthy,' but she was curious to know if Meerkat had any preferences regarding the gender or number of children she'd like to have.

A particularly loud gull attempted to disrupt the Tanzanite’s latest verse, though Meerkat tuned it out and focused on the message. Chacal reiterated her wish for the Laramite to feel happy and at home in Sapphique before shifting to a brighter focus.

Just to have them, Meerkat replied, almost painfully earnest. Realizing that might sound crass, she added, Happy, healthy and safe. It had become something of the Sveijarn-Corten motto.

But she was officially tired of hogging the limelight. Chacal had mentioned her own hopes: “Me as well, I would like to ‘ave another…” Although she couldn’t quite shake her concerns about resources, Meerkat put them aside and returned the woman’s favor.

What about you?

She bumped her shoulder against Meerkat's again. Already, she had the approval of both Mireille and Chacal, so getting permission would have them. Meerkat was young enough too, she thought, that she needn't worry terribly about pregnancy or birthing complications- but it was naive for Chacal to feel so blasé about it all, having only had one litter thus far herself. Meerkat wasn't giving her the more sought-after details, though, so when Chacal was asked, she could give the answer freely. 

"I will love my babies, no matter what I get,
but I tell you, I do wish I could choose 'ow many in a set. 
I 'ave 'ad four, an' dat be so many,
I t'ink next time, two would be plenty," She laughed softly. 
"An' girls," She added, "Girls be my choice-
dey be wanderin' less dan de boys."

Of course, Meerkat had had a different experience with her children. Three, rather than four, and her daughter had gone off to journey a bit. 

"Including happy, safe an' healthy- 
what do you really want your next children to be?"

Pragmatic leader as she was- Chacal did enjoy a bit of gossip.

Chacal’s lighthearted grievance made Meerkat smile effortlessly for the first time today. She immediately thought of Towhee, who had conveyed the very same sentiment during Meerkat’s visit to Mereo. The Tanzanite also expressed a preference for girls, which made sense, particularly in their decidedly matriarchal pack.

My mom told me that two is the sweet spot for her, Meerkat shared, although she also said that raising an only child—me—was by far the easiest.

The leader pressed her and Meerkat gave it some serious thought, even though it made her ache a little. Despite all the blessings and reassurances, would she get any of her wishes? She realized then that she was desperately afraid she would lose the chance, not just because of ill opinions or possible lack of resources. So many other things could go wrong.

Njord could disappear again.

The intrusive thought cleaved into her like a knife to the chest. She let out a ragged breath, face momentarily crumpling. Meerkat quickly schooled it and regulated her breathing, though she wondered if Chacal had caught the brief glimpse into the Laramite’s deepest fear revealed.

I wouldn’t mind more daughters, she said a little more faintly than intended.

Two. Yes, that sounded like a good number. Three, she imagined, would be manageable but still quite tiring when the children outnumbered the parents. But part of the beauty of Sapphique was that there were capable and loving childcare-givers everywhere. There wasn't a wolf in the pack that Chacal would not trust her children with, and that was the way she preferred for it to be. But even so...Four children had been so draining. It wasn't as though she'd have any influence on how many children she'd conceive in the future, but she did love fantasizing about her wishes. 

Meerkat seemed more reluctant to do so. Something held her back, and Chacal saw the way she wrestled with her thoughts for a moment. Why she would, Chacal wasn't sure. Surely she wouldn't allow Sobo's feelings to stop her from having another litter...But as a wolf who had not taken a partner, it did not occur to her instantly that one of Meerkat's fears was that Njord might disappear again. And when Meerkat finally began to participate, it brought her so much glee to gossip a bit that she spared not another thought about the woman's reluctance. 

"Girls, yes," She crooned. "I be 'appy to 'ave three sons,
but for daughters, I would like to 'ave more dan one," She admitted. She loved her sons no less for their gender- but Sapphique typically a matriarchal pack, led by women. She wanted to contribute more to that. 
"Deir names, too- I 'ad so many girl names to spare,
but only one little girl to take one dis year."

If he leaves again, the rest of Sapphique will help you raise them, Meerkat reminded herself, eyes lingering on Chacal as she crooned about naming little girls. It reminded her that Njord had christened each of their three children.

What, she asked around a lump in her throat, are some of the other names you like?

She tried to stay focused. But her stomach flipped when she realized she wasn’t necessarily afraid of Njord leaving her to raise another litter of children without him. Her fear was insidiously, selfishly specific: she worried that he would vanish before they even conceived, taking not only himself but all her dreams along with him.

That’s not going to happen! Meerkat screamed internally.

While the majority of Chacal's time was spent either being a mother, a leader, a guardian, a hunter, etc. It was so nice to finally just get to be a woman. To talk about something that wasn't business or treaties or permissions wasn't something she often got to do, and she liked to maintain an air of dignity and sagacity- but every now and again, she just needed a bit of time to be silly, and actually act like herself. 

"I t'ink I like Chani an' Chiro de best,
but also Calixte, an' Ophelie.
I'd considered as well Beatrix,
an' Allegra, an' Lovelie." 

She had a hefty storage of names to choose from, if she had girls again. 

"Ask me again next year,
An' I will probably 'ave twenty more for de list. 
I will be needin' to 'ave babies every year,
from now 'til I be in my fifties." She laughed. 

"What about you, Chéri?
Do you 'ave names for  future babies?"

Meerkat latched onto Chacal’s song, desperate to stop the spiraling of her thoughts. Every name the woman sang, she repeated in her head. Chani. Chiro. Calixte. Ophelie. Beatrix. Allegra. Lovelie. She tried to decide which ones she preferred from the list and thought Calixte had a particularly exotic ring to it.

She didn’t want the spotlight the Tanzanite shifted over to her next, so she simply shook her head and said, I like Calixte. But Lovelie’s very sweet too. Have you ever, Meerkat asked, pausing to swallow, considered giving them middle names, so you can use more of them? Like, for instance, Calixte Lovelie. Oh, better yet, Lovelie Calixte. Or Chani Allegra. Or Beatrix Ophelia. Or Chiro… um, I think I ran out. But there’s so many beautiful combinations you could make.

Chacal's face lit up when Meerkat seemed to appreciate the names she'd listed. She didn't leap at the chance to list her own dream-names, so Chacal assumed that perhaps it was best not to press her. Meerkat had seemed to really enjoy being a mother, though she was still so hesitant about next year's litter. She wasn't even allowing herself to be fanciful, as Chacal was, even just for fun. She wondered if it was all really because Sobo had not warmed up to Njord and his growing family, or if there was some other reason. It did not occur to her that Njord would leave again, or disappear. She'd confirmed with him already, when he returned, that he intended to stay- and she felt that that should be enough. 

But at least Meerkat seemed willing to discuss Chacal's future children, and this pleased her. The dark jackal's features brightened when she suggested something that the Tanzanite had not considered. Neither she nor any of her siblings (to her knowledge) had had middle names or second names at all. She knew that names could be hyphenated, but she hadn't thought to give a child two names, in order to use the names she liked.  

"I like dis idea dat you come up wid,
it be very clever. 
Dat way, if I use a couple,
I won't be 'aving children forever and ever!" She laughed. 
"De t'ing wid names, though, is 'ow badly we use dem-
we name our children one t'ing, but den call dem somet'ing else," She said. After all, three of her children went by their nicknames, rather than their full given names. Only Theo had a name short enough that it did not get abbreviated further. She'd probably only used Suzu's full name a handful of times before she'd shortened it. 
"You 'ave ot'er names, like dis?" She asked, then. "Meerkat....?" She prompted, secretly hoping that Meerkat had a whole list of given names.

Chacal made a very valid point about given names and nick names. It was funny how that worked, wasn’t it? She thought of her three children: Stingray “Ray” and Swordfish “Fish” were pretty straightforward. But calling Vixen “Mercy” was pretty strange and hard to explain. Come to think of it, Meerkat couldn’t even remember where that pet name had come from!

Actually, yes, Meerkat replied, distracted enough from her distressing thoughts to even offer a light laugh, my actual name is Suricate, which means ‘meerkat’ in a different language, I think. You’d have to ask my mom. Nobody’s ever called me that. To think, I could’ve been… Suri… or Cate. So strange. I’ve always gone by Meerkat, and only Meerkat, though she could think of a few nicknames given to her over the years.

Her lips pulled into a surprised 'o' as she perked up to hear what Meerkat's full name was. She noticed the subtle shift in her Laramite's comfort level now that the conversation drifted away from the topic of motherhood. Suricate. Chacal thought her taupe friend looked a bit more like a Meerkat than a Suricate, though when she mentioned the abbreviations, she fawned. "Ohhh! Suri!" She crooned. "I do like dat one." It rolled off her tongue in a pleasant way, when she flipped her 'r' slightly. "I could see you being a Suri. Dat be very pretty," She said. 

She leaned back a bit, so she could eye her packmate a bit better and smiled as she appraised her.
 "Tell me a bit more about you, Cheri,
Dere be more to you dan de eye can see. 
Tell me 'ow you grow up, an' where you 'ave called home,
If you don't mind tellin' me some." 

She said, invitingly. She knew bits and pieces, but even if she did already know some of the information, she was glad to hear Meerkat tell her story again.

She had been here so long now—she’d lived in Sapphique longer than she’d ever lived anywhere else in her life—Meerkat just assumed everybody knew her story by now. But Chacal surprised her by asking about her past. She was happy to talk about it; it was easier than discussing the future right now.

Well, I was an only child raised by my mom, with the help of her brother and his mate, who were my dad and second mom, she shared. I left home when I wasn’t quite half a year. My older brother and I went to live with my aunt’s pack. When some of her children spun off to create their own pack, we went with them. And then… well, a whole lot of tragedy happened.

Looking back, her first year or so had been so idyllic, its highs followed by a long streak of lows. Her tenure at the glacier had been a welcome respite after so much turbulence, up until her ill-fated pursuit of Issorartuyok. But then she’d reconnected with Njord and things had taken a romantic turn. Life had been beautiful ever since, pardoning the wrench thrown in late summer.

Realizing she’d gotten lost in her thoughts in the middle of her story, she recollected herself and said, It just occurred to me that I’ve lived with Sapphique almost twice as long as I ever lived anywhere else. And I’ll admit, sometimes I question if it’s where I really belong, at least for good, but you guys have become my family…

Things seemed to fall into place for Chacal, who had assumed that she had come from a solid upbringing. She could see the similarities between Meerkat's upbringing, and the way that wolves were raised at Sapphique. Several parental figured, many loving hands to keep watch, protect, entertain and love. 

And like many, adventuring out into the world, taking chances and living in more dangerous territories, invited calamity. She reached over to touch Meerkat's shoulder, an acknowledgement of the hurt she'd felt, and her appreciation that Meerkat had shared those painful details with her. She would not pry further, into what cause had been behind the tragedy. Whether it was sickness, natural disaster, or otherwise, it seemed painful. Meerkat had persisted through it all, and had found her way to call Sapphique home. 

She reflected upon the time Meerkat had spent with the pack, since she'd been brought to be his bride. She seemed somewhat reluctant to admit that this was where she'd spent the most of her life- likely because there was still somewhere she referred to in her mind as home, likely the place she had been born. 

But time, inevitably, had worn away at her, and Sapphique had become more than familiar. Whether its longevity as her homelands made her stay permanently or not was not confirmed- but she was here, now. And they were her family. 

"I 'ope you feel home, an' welcomed 'ere.
You mean a lot do de pack, de family." She said softly.

Chacal reassured her that Meerkat had family, home and value in Sapphique. She knew as much, though it was still nice to hear (more than once, even). She knew she could walk away from this conversation feeling better or worse about her prospects. It wasn’t just about the Tanzanite’s words of comfort but also about attitude and perspective.

Thank you, Chacal, Meerkat repeated.

It wouldn’t happen right away, though perhaps if she leaned into everything they’d discussed here, she could find steadier footing. She decided she would try, not just to honor Chacal’s sentiments but to make sure she was being the best possible wife and mother too. If she got too caught up looking to the future, she might miss out on the present and all the wonderful things she already had. She needed to live more in the moment.

This seems like a good place to fade, perhaps? :)