Redsand Canyon You've only known the ones who leave at dawn

The journey from the mesa to the canyon had taken him more than a week, possibly two. By the time his dark paws had carried him to the edge of Mereo, he had been worn thin and wispy. The jutting of his ribs was an indication that he had not eaten much – a few measly fish to keep him going. There had not been much that he could manage to catch on his own. At his rear was a scarred ankle, rubbed down past the flesh and fur to the muscle beneath. At least it had stopped bleeding.

Crowfeather gazed at the canyon, finding that his memory was easily filled with all the things that had left it. He had made the choice to lie and venture to the Saints. It had been his fault that he had been grievously injured. Nervousness quaked him where he stood. The scents upon their borders did not carry the same aroma as the Saints had left. It eased him, but only slightly.

Swaying, the dark figure drew his muzzle upward and sniffed tentatively. Somewhere among those unfamiliar fragrances was the musk of Germanicus. A hurried thrum took over his heart. Crowfeather lifted his snout to howl quietly upon the edge of their claim. His voice was a ghost as the wind carried it away.

with children would come sleepless nights, as the imperator had found the evening that preceded this day.

and with their birth something new had opened inside the eagle, something inexorable and wholly unlike any before-felt sensation. he found he could not stop looking at the tiny bodies carefully tended by ruenna. he found he could hardly fathom his contribution to their existence. each moment felt at once both as if it were a millisecond and an eon.

germanicus would not slacken in his duties, though for the next eight days he meant to keep from long forays. training did not cease simply because newborns moved and wailed inside the chambers he shared with ruenna.

upon emergence, the imperator rolled his shoulders and headed for the waterpool bordering the tablinum. a drink and a wade would set his muscles right. 

but the eagle found his steps stilled as a low call carried briefly over the high red walls of mereo. the sound was as inherent as it was recognizable, as relieving as it was impossible.

for a moment of insanity germanicus considered allowing another soldier to answer the call, but in his soul he knew it must be him. already the long dark legs were moving in that direction.

in the next handful of moments germanicus stood before crowfeather and was only silent, limned in surprise and all the unutterable things he had pressed down inside himself. the yellowpaint eyes flickered upon the tired sungold brilliance of the shadow who had wasted almost to nothing.

"did you receive my message?" germanicus said, and it was not what he wished to say. and yet it was all he could speak before silence once more dawned.

Germanicus…

The man appeared before the shadow, sunyellow gaze burning upon the lean figure who stood at his door. Crowfeather swallowed heavily, suddenly overcome with shame. He could not understand why he felt he would be in trouble, would be reprimanded for his actions. But the stoic man just stood there quietly before asking if the seer had gotten his message.

Crowfeather thought he had been poisoned. Oh, his legs – they could not hold him steady against the breath of wind that tousled the dark hair along his neck. The older man’s words did nothing to ease him, to remove the troubled thoughts that had plagued the dark figure since meeting the stranger on the edge of the mesa.

’The Mereo guy, right? The one who married Ruenna –‘

Yes, I- I did receive your message… That his voice carried over the sounds of the world around them was a miracle. It had not been until much later that Crowfeather had felt heat rise into his throat to choke him. The stranger you sent to me. Had Germanicus only been biding his time? Waiting until it was safe to detach cleanly from the dark young man.

Crowfeather’s face turned slightly from Germanicus. His eyes hungered to look at the man, to take in his shape so long that he would never forget – never. Oh, but he could not allow the brilliant eagle of a man to see the tears that sprung into Crowfeather’s gaze. He wished to hold Germanicus’ yellow gaze until it swallowed him with all the heat of a thousand suns.

That would not have been a bad way to die, he thought.

nothing was the same. of course he could not expect it to be so. he had left crowfeather in grief and now the shadow stood here riddled with it. even if germanicus could not see the tears he understood the way the younger wolf tilted his head away.

an answering lump crushed his own throat. "i am sorry i did not come. that i have been gone so long." he wanted to say the other's name aloud but feared it might hold a scorching nature he would otherwise not unleash.

the tactician's mind then, racing to puzzle the details, the times, the largesse of travel that crowfeather had undergone to reach the canyon. he did not need to look at the young wolf's hind leg to know that great pains had been suffered on this journey. 

"let me help you," germanicus said, and despite the anguish twisting from the shadow like the thorns of a bitter crown, he made to adjust his shoulder and his flank against that of the other. the intention was support. he could not be sure it would be accepted and yet he knew he wanted to give it all the same.

they would not go to the tablinum. if the other could walk only somewhat further, germanicus would guide him to a backtrail which would empty at the oasis. 

and if he could not, if he pulled away, germanicus too would place space between their bodies. 

the hope rested as his movements ended.

Kallik had only been on his patrol a short time when he heard the call from the borders. He immediately changed his direction and headed back the way he had come. This stranger was a little ways from the area he was currently patrolling, but close enough that he would make it there in a reasonable amount of time. 

The legatus wasn't surprised to see that someone had beat him to the stranger. He was a little surprised to see the imperator moving towards the stranger as if to help him. 

Kallik trotted forward. Do you need assistance, imperator? He asked. He would offer his help too if it was needed.

With the man’s apology, the dam was broken, and the young figure’s tears fell. Crowfeather would not tell him of the nights he had spent in Akashingo, pressed tightly to the furs where Germanicus had once rested. He would not speak of the times that he reminded himself of their planned trip to the east, that it was all that kept him going.

Germanicus stepped forward, offering the length of his hard-muscled frame as support.

Crowfeather did not wish to accept it, but he knew that he had no real reason to deny the eagle. He’s trying to help you, a voice scorned him internally. The seer feared the touch of the man. He knew that it would spark within him. He knew already how much he had longed to brush against the grey-dabbled fur of the stoic man.

The shadow pressed to his side. His breath blew from his mouth, shaking with the weight of his heart and the choked cry that remained lodged in his throat.

I thought- Crowfeather almost laughed. I thought you had forgotten about me…

When this had filled his mind, even a message from a stranger had been enough. But only just.

A pale wolf approached to offer words that Crowfeather scarcely understood. His honey gaze shifted fearfully to the stranger. The shadow cowered slightly. If this man had worn the lapis gaze of the Pharaoh, the shadow surely would not have remained upright.

>w<

the connection of their bodies was familiar and brought to mind a thousand memories of the travel they had taken together. before mereo. before akashingo. before germanicus had seen fit to devote himself to the one thing he knew he could do well. 

for what had he been honed? for what had he been made? panic had made the initial choice for him. first the fear that he could not watch crowfeather dwindle and die behind the muted haze of memories that had seemed lost.

and secondly the intrinsic hounding edict of legacy in the measure of a man. germanicus had not after all expected to meet someone anything akin to who and what ruenna was. he had expected that between he and a wife there might only be coolness and a sense of duty that extended a handful of times a year to their bedchamber. it had been what he had known of his own parentage.

harder then, to admit he had flourished in his time away from akashingo.

"i could never forget you." the eagle's jaw felt wired and stiff. kallik's attentiveness on the border was ironic, as he had only just jested about it in the hours leading up to the birth of his children. "i will be well without it, legatus," the roman assured. "later i may need the help of our medicus."

later. 

his yellowpaint eyes sought the path ahead. he though his heart might be pierced by the roughened way that crowfeather had begun to weep. they must be alone even if the aloneness held that same wormwood edge.

Kallik suddenly felt like he had interrupted something between them. 

The imperator declined his offer for help, stating they would need Aquene later. The legatus nodded once. I will find her and let her know that she will have a patient later, he said, his tone flat, hiding anything he might be feeling about the strange situation. He was glad to have a legit reason to leave.

He would turn and leave them to it unless stopped. 

skippable!

Germanicus said that he could never forget Crowfeather. The shadow did not wish to tell him how easy it was to forget a person. You could fill your mind with a million thoughts until they had washed away. Even after time, Crowfeather had learned to forget his brother. His best friend. The dark wolf could only hope that he had found his way to the stars.

The older man dismissed his pale Fellahin. The dark wolf watched the figure stiffly turn from them. He wondered what the man would think, if Germanicus would be forced to explain the nature of their meeting. He felt his cheeks warm at the thought of the white servant knowing anything about him, even his name.

Crowfeather adjusted his weight so that his shoulder did not jab so sharply into Germanicus. The young man’s ribs felt the brush of the eagle’s pelt. He shuddered.

I- I think I am better at being a seer than I originally thought.

The boy’s mouth clapped shut. What a silly and foolish thing to say, he chided. Only a child would drag himself across the earth to sputter ridiculous words.

Look at what you’ve made… As silly as they were, Crowfeather could not help but be awed. The canyon was filled with the scents of wolves. Their paws carved paths along the earth.

"i have had a good deal of help." it was easier to demur then it was to accept a compliment for the creation which had kept him from akashingo for even a visit.

but in truth the eagle was proud. he focused upon his breathing and the cadence of their steps and thought of what he might tell kallik if the other inquired. 

however, the pallid fighter was not likely to ask. both he and the legatus shared an unspoken comprehension of emotional detail into which they did not stray. kallik trusted him and he had put the same into the other soldier. this was what mattered.

the oasis lengthened before them. this time of year it was just blooming with green, darkening to rich earth along the edge of the placid lake. here he meant to help the shadow sit against a tree and here too the eagle would rest upon his own haunches.

the words were unsure and slow to come now. when he spoke it was with a hesitance he had only ever showed to two individuals, and crowfeather was one of them.

"what brought you to look at the stars again?"

germanicus could not stand the sound of his own voice. his tones were careful and gave nothing away. but his eyes were unguarded at last, rife with worry and self-control and guilt.

The shadow had not expected him to accept the compliment. Germanicus was good at remaining in-between, untethered. He said that he had been given help to create the canyon. Crowfeather could not help but think that it must have been a great deal of help, to have built something so bustling with life.

Their journey to the oasis was slow, but when the dark wolf plopped to his hindquarters and breathed a shaky sigh into the air, he was mesmerized with the beauty of the water and the green life that thrived around it. Germanicus made a seat for himself, as well. Crowfeather did what he could not to gaze upon the man, not to stare openly with doleful eyes. He did not wish to ruin it.

There is a story that my clan tells. All the clans, actually. It is about a young wolf named Nightrunner who is washed into the sea. He begs to be returned to land, but at night when the waters were smoother and the sky was like an ocean over his head, he would ask for their help. Crowfeather did not know if it was this information that Germanicus wanted, or if he had been asking about the seer directly. Regardless, the shadow felt that this would answer his question easily enough.

Three days in the water and on that night, Nightrunner saw the body of a wolf leap from the stars and plunge into the sea. It is said that the wolf of stars gripped him and pulled him to the shore. But the wolf of the stars was banished for interfering with mortal affairs. Crowfeather had always thought the story was a sad one.

Nightrunner and the wolf of stars met on the shore. He said that he would speak to the stars, to beg for their forgiveness. The wolf of stars spoke to him to say that he would have made no other choice. Nightrunner recognized the voice of the wolf of stars – his brother’s. The seer thought of Moonshadow in that moment, wondering if his own brother had found his way to the heavens.

They overcame the anger of the stars and bridged the rift between them. Nightrunner began the first clan… the Starsea. He became Nightstar, and he spoke of the wisdom of the glittering spirits. From that day on, we have always asked the stars for their help. We dream and they grant us visions as guidance. To my people, listening to the stars is the greatest treasure.

What then? The shadow looked to the firm man, melting beneath the handsome shape of his face, the dutiful glint of his eyes. Did Germanicus even know how beautiful he was? Silence stretched for a moment, filling the air between the two figures.

I hear- he choked on the words. I hear that you- Stars! A green-eyed beast scratched from within. You are married.

crowfeather began to speak. germanicus listened to each word but noticed as the story went on how many times the shadow evaded his gaze. eventually he did not try to look into the other's face. he only allowed the words to sweep over him and through him as he set his eyes upon the water.

it was fitting that crowfeather chose a story to explain his softening toward the way of a seer. and as the tale took form, germanicus realized it was perhaps one of the only times that the shadow had mentioned the starsea. he had not long asked. and the other had not been apt to share.

editum had not seen a need for seers nor oracles nor sages. it was the culture which raised arsenio that had put their mettle and their hearts into those things. had germanicus never visited those vibrant shores he might never have become acquainted with his own respect for the spiritual. it was the reason why he was able to understand the importance of the ancestral story spoken softly against the backdrop of the lapping water.


at last crowfeather looked toward him and the silver eagle gazed back. several things warred within their connected stares. it was not nightrunner upon his mouth, it was something beyond this. he tightened his paws against the loamy shoreline and nodded. "i am," the imperator said instead.

memories of his children's birth came to mind, balancing the chaotic run of his pulse.

"when we last spoke, i had not yet made a decision." the recollection of that night was clear as a sunlit stream. "i came here and began my building. lady ruenna found me soon thereafter. we agreed and were married that day." crowfeather had not come so torturous a way to hear condolences or platitudes. 

"after that, mereo was beset by a violent occurrence and the potential of another." the third reality, that he had kept close to the canyon to fulfill the wish of both his wife and himself, was not something germanicus would ever say aloud to the exhausted dark ears of the shadow. "i did not see how it was possible i could leave, and that is why i was eager to use ramesses' emissary."

crowfeather deserved the bare honesty that now shone in the imperator's eyes. "lady ruenna delivered our children yesterday."

his moongilt chest swelled. his eyes shut for a moment of struggle and anger at himself for it. the births of his sons and daughters which evoked such joy in him now would only be of misery to crowfeather. and how now would his words of not forgetting pale? but it was the truth, and germanicus silently asked that the shadow see it, that he had never let the silently beloved face slip in the illustration of his mind's eye.

Germanicus answered in a way that only he could.

Crowfeather looked away from the older man.

How unfair… how unfair that Germanicus had been sent away while Crowfeather had been left behind. Ruenna had been able to follow. She had sought out the silver eagle on her own, with no suffering in her ability. She had been able to fight for him. This thought struck the dark figure in a way that was sharp and painful against his chest. Once, he would have thought only good things of Ruenna. Now he hated her.

Their children had been born the day before.

Crowfeather had never felt anger in such a way. He could not meet the gaze of the other man. In a day he had been wed to a woman they had only had a few chance meetings with. Then again, the shadow recalled how Germanicus had willingly gone to lay with the pale Fellahin on their first night in Akashingo. That had been forgiven after much selfish pouting and frustration.

They had shared more since that night, had they not? They had spoken in a way that was unlike two men.

I thought of you every day. Crowfeather would not congratulate Germanicus on his children. He could not force the words to flutter from his mouth on hurried wings. Even if he could, he knew that it would not sound genuine. It would be said with hate. Our trip to the east was my motivation. To walk and heal… to speak with the Pharaoh.

Crowfeather thought of the man’s lapis gaze, and he felt fearful. Ramesses had such power, such charm.

He wanted to wed me to a stranger. He called me… a prince of Akashingo. I prayed you would return. I prayed to the stars every night for a dream, for a vision of where you were, if you were alright. It felt pathetic. Love had never been good to Crowfeather. Why would this be different?

It won’t matter now, so it makes saying this easier…

Still, he would not look at the older man. His heart pounded in his throat with the rage of so many wrongdoings and so much pain.

After our last discussion, I thought very hard about what you had said to me. I have never been a fighter, Germanicus, but when you said that Ruenna had offered to marry you- Crowfeather had dispensed with the pleasantries of calling the woman Lady Ruenna. She was not a lady anymore. She was another void that had sucked his hope away. I wanted to fight.

A bitter smile found its way to his dark lips. It only tugged at the edges of his features. The boy’s eyes remained vigilant upon the water.

I think I love…d you. I hoped every day that I would see you climbing the mesa again. That I could tell you.

But you never came.


And it did not matter anymore. There would be no journey to the east, no hopes of further hunts in the dark woods, or fishing in the rivers. Germanicus was married and he had made a family. All of the things that he had denied so firmly now sat in his lap and beamed at the seer with wicked little teeth.

germanicus had not expected crowfeather to hold his eyes after that but the falling away felt as if it were skin ripping painfully from a fall over jagged branches. there was no honor in lying. and there was none in saying the truth aloud with finality. a muscle in his jaw leapt as he too pulled his eyes aside and looked almost desperately toward the swaying aquamarine of the clear oasis.

of course he had suffered in akashingo. ramesses did not have to strike a single blow in accomplishment of this fact. the eagle had left crowfeather there for the pragmatism of doctors and nurses and satsu's own hand nursing the shadow in return to health. those things had not been in the canyon.

but the ice of objectivity had thawed always when it came to crowfeather. germanicus had wanted no longer to be bound by his inability to remain unbiased. it had compromised him, and in doing so, had led the eagle to question himself. he had not allowed another to change him as crowfeather had. he had kept himself guarded but only until the other's presence in his life.

yet ultimately this had not been where he placed his trust. it had been in tradition, of man-and-wife, of that which had always merited success and culminated in mereo. germanicus forced his gaze back toward crowfeather. he must behold this uttering despite the chasm it tore in his gut. 

love had only been a projection for him, something observed through a haze of illusion. germanicus harbored no idea even as a boy that his parents had loved one another. and the soft feeling in his chest he felt even now for ruenna he suddenly feared was not real, that he had only imagined it. that it had become something intensified by his inappropriate entry to her birthing. that he might one day face the ragged edge of betrayal in her voice as well.

crowfeather's love was a doorway to something unfathomable. germanicus had known it. and yet he had found easier the act of shutting the entrance in his own spirit which had begun to inch open those months before the palace and the battle and the mauling.

his throat ached. his eyes ached. his jaw at last slackened with an audible sighing. "were i the man you believed i am, i would have loved you in return."

”Were I the man you believed I am, I would have loved you in return.”

Don’t.

Crowfeather could not take the idea that there had once been a possibility. What good was saying that? What good would that do? Anger swelled again, sour and rotten and full of regret. Germanicus – so good at his diplomatic ways, perhaps he did not even know what he had said. If he did, though… Crowfeather seethed at the thought. If the older man understood how his words sounded, would he have spoken them?

That’s cruel for you to say… I already know that I was too late. That I was not brave enough when it mattered. You do not need to confirm it for me.

The burning of Germanicus’ gaze on him was violently painful. The shadow’s stomach twisted in knots, over and over until he thought he would vomit. There was nothing in his stomach to throw up, however. He had not eaten for several days.

Crowfeather realized, only then, that he could not stay in Mereo. It had been his original hope, his intention. He had planned to crawl to the doorway and state that he had earned at least a Fellahin’s position in the canyon. Hearing Germanicus confirm the life he had created while the shadow had been left in the mesa erased any possibility of that. One look at his pups and the ways that they would look like him and Ruenna made the young man ill, angry, and envious. If he were to see Ruenna, he did not know that he would be civil.

It really is nice… your home. Seems you make a pretty good leader, after all.


The man I believed you were. It was funny how that pieced together.

the edge in the shadow's voice struck at his psyche. the eagle grew still and rigid in the military-shaped attention that had precluded every part of his life, including these moments. but the yellowpaint stare had not closed, not yet. he was not certain he could after what had been said to him, and what he had spoken in return.

it felt as if it were a lie. crowfeather roiled as if it were one. the imperator saw its cruelty but the true lie would have been that he had experienced nothing. that the shadow's sentiment for him had crashed against the unfeeling rock of a boundary-line. germanicus was not able to return such words with a shrug.

both bared and both now bleeding. he was selfish. he wished to be loved. he wished that there was not an ending to it or a past tense. and yet had he not accepted that so many months ago when he married and poured himself into the foundation of mereo? the silver jawline was tight once more, its springtrap tension the only outward sign of his own great war.

he was angry. why had crowfeather tormented himself to come so far? had he meant to fall upon the sword of love if germanicus had not been married and not newly become a father? his thoughts were unfair and all at once he saw in his spoken word the message he meant to send: that once more crowfeather should not forgive him and that he must move on.

the compliment was bitter and he did not answer it. he told himself that the boy was too young to understand that there were forbidden ways to love another and that those reared in such repressant ways might never cultivate the ability that seemed to come so freely to the shadow's heart. 

"it has nothing to do with timing nor bravery." his voice at last settled into a neutral place. "and it is not anything to do with some perceived failure on your part." germanicus blinked, a hard thing that felt as if steel plates were sliding behind his eyes. "it is i who was not enough." the eagle's tones shimmered for one bursting moment and then calmed again. the mien of an imperator returned. the shadow glittered with misery. "i know you ... i feel you will not want to remain in mereo a moment longer. i want to ask you to eat and rest and see the physician, before you —" leave.

and this time germanicus did not believe he would ever see crowfeather again.

It is I who was not enough.

Crowfeather winced sharply, his fine features snapping toward Germanicus with a new burning fire in the depths of his honey warm gaze.

You were enough. You were enough from the first day. To me, you were… the only one who did not keep me to use me.

Germanicus wanted him to rest and eat. He wanted Crowfeather to see their doctor. The young seer already knew that he could not doctor his own leg, but he had lost a great deal of care for what his future held. Even after hearing it from the stranger on the borders of Akashingo, even after trudging through the wilderness to the edge of the canyon outpost, even after his heart had told him otherwise… Crowfeather had still believed there was a chance. Somehow, if he could reach Germanicus, someway if he could muster the courage to spill his heart –

If I do not have to see your wife, I will stay to allow your medicine wolf to look at my- at my ankle.

The young shadow had been severed from its body. Crowfeather thought that he might float away. What place did he have without the older man? Akashingo, where he was fearful and showered with far too much to be comfortable. He could never return to the mesa.

Crowfeather was on his own again. He knew that he would not last long. The hours he’d spent to catch a few fish had been brutal. His ankle was raw and marred beyond much saving. All that progress…

The dark figure began to plan. He would need a cave where he could see the stars, where they would grant him dreams. He could eat the sleeping herbs. It was unlikely he would know when he passed. The thought of death hung uncertainly over him. Where would he go after that?

germanicus did not know what plans skimmed the darker parts of crowfeather's psyche. the words if i do not have to see your wife thrummed through his mind. the eagle was at once defensive of ruenna and then racked with shame that she should lie tending their children while he was here. 

there existed a deeper guilt in the fact that germanicus did not understand the nuances of love between a man and his wife. his being and reined emotion had only ever been shaped by his time with his common soldier.

and beneath all of that was the desire to understand it. germanicus was very fond of ruenna and she had just recently performed something reverent and eloquent and honorable down to the very names she had spoken.

but he felt he might wish to comprehend and appreciate all of her whether or not she had brought children into the world and it was somehow resistant to reconciliation against the emotions which swept him now. 

it was desperation. it was anger. it was frustration. it was a vulnerability which he exhibited nowhere else. and it was not the shadow's to hold, not any of it. and so he did not answer the firm mention of how he had engaged with crowfeather.

"the tablinum where lady aquene does her work is made for rest and no observation save for her own." he knew his wife would need time for her recuperation but he would not promise crowfeather that the matrona might not walk across her own land. he would need only to be more diligent than before. the equestrian's office would be suitable and ensconce crowfeather far from the figure he refused now. 

"i will help you there when you are ready." the imperator looked unseeingly at the water.