Noctisardor Bypass faya

as the deepening purple shadows announced the fall of night, heda went in search of @Etienne.
anselm had no reason to stay, and many to leave. she was tired of strife, of tension, of — of suffering. and so she seized control of what she felt the situation was, and crept close to him beneath the cover of velvet darkness.
"etienne," and her voice was vaguely tearful, "could you love his sons if i-if i wasn't around?"
her eyes begged him to speak truly, to speak beyond what he thought she wanted to hear; her eyes said she knew, and she was searching for a way that peace could be had.

Etienne froze as Heda's voice found him on the wind. He had bedded down away from the main area to be alone and yet here she was. And guilt and shame collided in a maelstrom of aching fibers. That twirled and tightened. Sucked the breath from his lungs it was not her fault. None of this was her fault. But he had surely lain the blame.

Etienne blinked and pulled himself to his correct height. Glittering golden eyes taking her in and he knew. She knew. Whether she had heard them or Druid had given his secret Heda knew. And his eyes hardened at the edges and his face tightened, but there was a spark of warmth there.

Yes, but I won't. It is not my place. I will not be the reason a child does not 'ave a mudder. You will always love dem unconditionally 'eda. Dey are your fles"
' and your bone. More dan 'is. Always yours. I will continue as I am. And I will do better. But I will not allow you to do someting you will regret when you love dem to dey moon and stars. Dis I would not forgive you for.

It was a hard truth he gave her. But there were other options. Other ways. He wouldn't be a wedge inbetween a mother and a father amd their children. He would not. He would leave or die first.

"stop, stop," heda cried in a muffled, weak voice, though she fell silent as etienne's impassioned words continued. 
"i would regret — etienne, i would regret raising them with —" with all this! 
she thought of glaukos now, how druid and the others were moving against him, and —
"etienne, it's not something i'd regret," she whispered. "i've spent my — i've spent so much time searching for my other kids, and now i've stopped. i can't abandon them."
her children had a chance to be raised by etienne, who could love them very deeply, and even anselm, who only needed the thorn of her presence removed to understand she was unnecessary.
her heart twisted and wrenched. "it's my choice. and i know you blame me. i'm not-i'm not his lover, etienne," she whispered. "i'm nothing more than a mistake to him."
and there was freedom to say that aloud.

She begged him to stop, but he continued. He did not spare her the truth she needed to hear. But there was something more to all of this and as of yet he didn't know the end.

Etienne listened, but he didn't understand. Why would she regret? She was not making sense. Who would she regret and why? Who could regret raising babies.

Etienne listened. Den I will look for dem. It is not fair to leave dese ones be'ind 'eda! Wut would dey tink? Dey are old enuff to know you. And wut, wut if you never find dey otter ones. It will break your 'eart. And dese ones would be abandonwd by dey mudder. No.

Etienne straightened at her words and blinked surprised. A soft stuttering gasp. He closed his eyes as they welled. Relief and there that nagging, crushing guilt.

It does not matter if you are or aren't. 'E as made it clear 'ow unnatural 'e finds gay men and women. W'y do you tink i 'ave not told 'im 'eda. I assure you it is not because I am as'amed of myself. It is because I would lose my friend.

No one dat gives a man a baby is a mistake 'eda. You gave a gift. Same as for women. Babies are not mistakes.

He tightened his jaw. How he had hated her still a part of him did. And yet he loved her. This gentle woman from his past. And like a fool, even though he was stretched thin. He offered again to do what was needed.

I will not accept dis 'eda. I will start looking for your babies. But you must tell me w'ere dey mite be.

"no," she said softly, catching her lip between her teeth for a moment as tears fell slowly down her face. "i h-heard you. it's all right. i needed to know." she drew a large breath. "as long as i'm here, i don't think anselm will ever bond with them."
and that hurt to say, less freedom and more a barb to her gut. "my mom did this, you know," she said with an ironic little laugh. "she left me and my brother. someone else raised us. it's not an easy choice, it's not one i'm just — flinging at you."
mahler's abandonment had compounded that of praimfaya. the remains of the cat and the tufts of fur had been what was left of her mother. it hurt, but not nearly as much as mahler turning his back. skaigona as a girl had been able to accept, at least in part, the disappearance of her mother.
nothing else.
if heda did nothing, the wolves outside rivenwood would hunt glaukos down. she didn't know why she cared, only that she did, truly did; she did not believe the father of druid's children needed to die. he needed to be warned and dragged out of the valley. it was traitorous! it was what she wanted. there had been enough bloodiness.
"the longer i wait, the more they'll remember. i don't need you to look for anyone else. i n-need you to help me this way. if you could love them, so could he. but i don't want to live between you, not anymore. you've done so much for me. i can't ask for more. i w-won't accept you going off to search, etienne; if you really want to help me, then h-help anselm accept them. it doesn't matter what he thinks about — it doesn't matter. he'll be here to raise them."
he'd be here as long as etienne was. he'd be here as long as mahler's father-wound of abandonment reminded him of the man he could be.
the clock the clock the clock — heda did not know it but she was in the middle of a perfectly logical, modulated breakdown, her repressions bursting forth and creating a reality in which some equitable middle ground could be found with the least trauma to a mind already strained.

Etienne sighed. This was not going to help anyone. This would cause more hurt feelings and more issues. And no matter how hard Heda was trying to do good. This would backfire. Did she really think Anselm wouldn't blame him in a way. And what if Anselm left too and she didn't understand that it would not be him raising her children. That was a reality that Anselm couldn't grasp, wouldn't grasp.

Etienne moved forward and pulled Heda too him if she'd let him.

'eda you need to put de burdens dat are crus'in' you down. Dis way will 'elp no one. Believe me w'en i say it will be worse dan you can imagine.

A soft little hiccough cry. Den w'y would you do dis 'eda? Dis is de wrong c'oice. It is Mon Fou.

Etienne shifted. 'eda! Listen to me. Dis is not the rite way. You are stressed amd amxious and trying so 'ard to keep everything and everyone okay. You 'ave neglected yourself.

His brow furrowed. Okay. I will do dis instead. Promise me 'eda dat you will rest. You will take 2 weeks and you will do noting. I will make Anselm 'elp wit de babies and de 'unting Fiona too. And den in dese two weeks if you still want to go. I will 'elp you, but you must tell Druid and Anselm. Dey deserve to know. If you leave so quickly dey will bot' be abandoned as you were and dey. Dey may not come back from it. You understand?

heda trembled, both hating the feel of his arms and finding the touch so necessary that she almost cried when he offered it. something other than the coolness which had always been between them was taking place, and she couldn't even enjoy it.
because of the — oh, unspeakable.
druid! what if druid — what if she found out? heda imagined the ill scorn and horror in her sister's eyes, and her eyes misted with terror at anticipating such a vital rejection.
she could never let that happen, no matter what the cost. gideon and ezra deserved a life completely free of any truths like that, and it wouldn't ever be like that for them unless she or anselm left.
but what about glaukos! she wanted to shout to one of the very ones he'd hurt.
"etienne," heda sobbed, not wanting to give in; she clung to this thread of resolution as tightly as she could while she had it. "i wouldn't leave without telling druid. but anselm — he doesn't care. this is between you and me, please. i don't — i can't live with him anymore. the way he — the way he looks at me. the way he won't come anywhere near — you see him? you see them? they'll ask. someone will ask, and i — i don't want to be here for that."
a tearstained smile without grace fell across her face; "i don't want to be anyone's mistake. but it's too late. they don't have to be, you know?"

Etienne felt her tremble and he felt bad. He had hurt her as badly as she had hurt him and it was so unfair.

Etienne didn't wish ill on the man Glaukos. They would never be friends, or acquaintances. But he didn't wish him harm. Had he known what was coming or being attempted perhaps he'd have stepped in himself.

Etienne stared at her surprised. 'eda 'e cares very muc'. 'E would care very muc'. 'E is terrible at saying wut 'e means and 'ow 'e feels but 'e does care about you. If 'e didn't 'e wouldn't be silent. 'E is trying to control himself from 'urting you.

Like a cold wave the truth of what he just said crashed over his head. And the shame, the guilt, the heart break was his own doing. His own thoughts and observations. And they were so very wrong.

W'y must it be a secret 'e is der fadder? If someone asks you just say it didn't work out? 'Eda sometimes no matter 'ow 'ard we try tings don't work out. All dat matters is dat you tried. It didn't work out mmm okay. Den you find a middle ground for de babies and you make dat work. You don't need to be in a relationship or be married. I know dat is a 'ard trut' but it is a trut'

"it's not the life i wanted for them." heda wiped her face. "he won't even be around them, or me. we were just... coming back from a hunt the other day and he wouldn't even walk next to me, etienne," the young mother whispered, rather stunned to finally realize that anselm's coldness had truly affected her.
she had thought it was only about his lack of involvement with gideon and ezra. but now heda saw it for the rejection of her that it was, and how each day's potential for their interaction took away her energy upon waking.
"i don't think he cares, maybe — maybe not in the way i thought he would." it was shameful to have him deny her, not only as a wife but even a person it felt like.
and then there was the part that she could never tell a living soul, something that must live and die with she and anselm, something that surely affected him as profoundly as it did her. "it would be all right if he ... claimed them. stood as their father. but i don't think he will, because of me." square one. she didn't know what to do, but she knew that she had to warn the bear man, if she did nothing else she needed to warn him.
"if i promise not to leave, promise on everything, will you cover for me while i go for a day and come back?" she could live with everything else if no one died.

Etienne used a forearm to help Heda with her face. A frown present. He would need to have words with Anselm. He could be mad at him all he wanted, but he need take care of the babies and at least be respectful of Heda. She was his childrens mother for crying put loud.

I will talk to Anselm, 'eda. W'en 'e and I are calmer i be speakin' to 'im.

He listened andn wondered if Heda was in the same boat he was. That she loved the man he did and Anselm didn't want her either? Or was it purely for the children? Or did she want a friend. Etienne felt he was missing a lot of the answers. But it was convuluted and confusing.

I will 'elp you 'eda and I will take care of dem w'en you need a break. But if you don't return i will 'unt for you.

"i understand why you can't believe me, but i'll be back, etienne." for a long moment she looked into his eyes and wondered if anselm knew the endless affection and tolerance that existed in those pretty depths.
"a-and, i really wouldn't — i would really appreciate if you spoke with him. not about me!" heda rushed, "about them."
stormclouds were darkening over rivenwood. she blinked and nodded, mostly to herself. "we can do this." it was by degrees. she couldn't make anselm involve himself with the boys, or avoid what she had been reading as resentment in him. 
she could potentially save glaukos, which would provide the den mother with the energy she needed to return to rivenwood under the ticking of the sacred clock.

Etienne furrowed his brow, and let his breath leave in a small exhale. He nodded. Trusting that she would return. Hoping she wouldn't prove him wrong.

I will speak to 'im about bot' 'eda. 'E does need to respect you at least. You are leader and mudder to 'is babies.

Etienne hugged her tighter. It be okay 'eda. Someday.

there was a pause.
heda hardly knew how to hug anyone except for druid or the kids these days; she settled by placing her crown against his shoulder for a moment. "i think if ava had died i would have too. you saved us both."
heda leaned back then, stood to her paws. "thank you. i'll be back, i really will."
she waited no longer; she dashed off to tell her sister and to prepare.