Redsand Canyon temptatio

figure we could wrap our current soon, this is more updated <3

"lady aquene has gone to seek her husband," germanicus told @Fennec with a cut of his eyes.

he paced around the small clearing that marked their densite. his steps were careful, a march meant to soothe his spirit.

but the yellow eyes burned and he seemed calamitous with a great energy. "i had never wanted plebian ranks," he said next. "i thought this would be a barracks. perhaps it should have been."

the eagle's tone had turned hard. he stopped sharply and put his gaze toward fennec. "we should discuss the future of mereo."

definitely!

Aquene was gone?

Fennec hadn't expected that. The surprise showed, but it turned to slightly more pleasant surprise when Germanicus revealed that he'd approached her to speak about the future of Mereo. Perhaps she should have expected it, but if she was honest, she didn't fully understand how their mateship stacked against the rankings of the pack. Her position didn't really lend itself to this sort of input; she'd simply intended on giving it regardless.

I think you'll struggle to maintain a barracks. Fennec replied, cutting straight to the heart of her own thoughts recently. We can be soldiers and family, but it's hard to stay in a place that you have no connection to. If you want Mereo to be a home, it might be worth allowing yourself to care more about the wolves who make it up. And a little less about what they are or aren't called.

She'd seen wolves like him, and she knew that he cared in his own way, but he was pretty shit at showing it. Fennec experienced a new side of him when they were alone, and she didn't necessarily think he even needed to display that much for anyone else. It just... probably wouldn't kill him to let his guard down sometimes.

he remained controlled.

germanicus was unsure if she had scratched the surface of his pride or a truth that he had held close to heart until this moment.

before he had been a ranger. and now those memories flooded him like silt at a riverbottom, filling his mind with a thousand thoughts of crowfeather and then the lance-point of how they had ended.

a home. he was not even sure mereo was a home. it was a point of operation and one he had thought might satisfy his heart.

but one marriage and four children who wanted little to do with their birthplace boded unfairly. he saw the spectre of it fall over his future with fennec.

the imperator continued his tight stallion's pacing. 

"reyson is working hard in akashingo for the privilege of leadership here. but he has begun courting a woman from epoch. and as it is doubtful she will come here without straining relations, he may depart all the same."

germanicus spoke only to speak. his mind asked pointedly if he had ever invested in this earth.

Fennec hadn't known that either. Of all of them, Reyson was the most soldierly of the soldiers. It just gave what she'd settled on even more weight. Fennec listened to him as he paced, but remained relaxed where she was. She didn't want him to think this was anything outside of a conversation, because at the end of it, what he chose to do was his decision. She didn't know shit about running a pack, and the one time she'd tried, she hadn't gotten half as far as Mereo.

Mom left to retire. Killer and Tierra are here, and I think they do like the structure of it. But they know how to find their fun, and they aren't afraid to take it. Wolves like Reyson will follow something until they realize they aren't sure why they've done it all in the first place. Her mom too. If you spent every moment of every day training, what was the point?

Keep the barracks, and keep the structure. But I think Mereo could grow a little easier if it could find value in some things outside of war. Otherwise peace feels a little like a waste of potential. She smirked, but was slightly apprehensive on how he was going to respond. She couldn't be the first one to bring this up, right?

They were an army, essentially, with nothing to fight. It was empty if there wasn't something beneath it, and the fact that this was clearly apparent to her from the start was why she'd never intended to stay here long term. Not until Germanicus proposed.

germanicus was too sober to jest with her. but he nodded.

"i am not sure i wish to be imperator any longer. it is all i have known. it is what i believed i wanted." he had paused again and now stood looking at the red sand between his paws.

and now he knew nothing.

keep the structure, fennec suggested, and he would heed. "i had considered that we might consolidate mereo into a more specialized force for easier traveling." it was clear that germanicus had no concept of leadership out of militaryism. what could mereo be than what it had always been?

unbeknownst, when the eagle glanced to her now it was with a subconscious want for further suggestion.

Oh.

Fennec was quiet for a moment. This was one of those conversations. She used to suck at these - probably still did - but there were a few directions she could take. She wasn't going to bluntly tell him he'd done a shit job so far. He'd been fine doing what he'd set out to do... and that was the entire issue, maybe.

It was what he'd set out to do that was incomplete. She and Bronco had never gotten Arcana off the ground but every step of the way, they'd known they were building a home. The territory they'd chosen, the packmates they'd recruited, all of it had been meant to last.

It isn't all that different. You can call yourself whatever you want. Titles clearly meant a lot to him, but Fennec couldn't see them the same way. Not when they could be interpreted a thousand different ways and meant nothing as soon as you left your borders.

Maybe she could start with something clearer.

What would home look like to you? Forget Mereo, or anything that's here now. If you could go anywhere, and do anything, and didn't owe anyone a thing. What would that be? He had to have an answer. Everyone did.

germanicus at last stepped to join fennec, to sit beside her almost touching.

he stared off into the forest which surrounded their home. 

home. 

home.

what was home? a place where he had been married? where his children had been born? he flexed his forefeet gently.

"i do not know."

once upon a time it had been a bracken forest, a split stone, a shadow.

and since then he had been set adrift. 

what did she think of him now? suppose she wanted to annul things now knowing his heart. "i have always been a wanderer. a ranger."

She sensed it as he sat close by but didn't move to close the distance yet. This conversation wasn't necessarily about the two of them. She knew what she wanted and had already decided that being where he was, and where Killdeer was, was enough. Her family was happy. This could be home - and eventually she would make it that. She needed him to understand what he needed.

This wasn't at all something she expected to have to coach another wolf through. Thank fuck she and Towhee had done a lot of talking these past few months.

Home doesn't have to be something you've already had. Just think about what makes you feel safe, or what you liked about the places that made you want to stay.

Maybe he needed an example. She intended to keep her own preferences out of it for now, but giving a few couldn't hurt. For me, home always has trees. And it's a place where I'm trusted. Listened to, and all that. Where she felt valued.

It was corny as fuck, sure. But Mereo wasn't going to keep anyone for long if they didn't sort it out. And when spring came, she wanted her kids to live in a place their father believed in. Not a place he had settled for. You're asking a pack to devote their loyalty to something. We just have to make it something that's worth it.

the ground seemed to tip sickeningly. 

that had all been tied in crowfeather.

and that was never a confession he could make.

the man grunted beneath his breath, searching for an out. searching for an extra moment.

"i have never been in a place that i felt was home. that sense has always seemed tied to my responsibilities."

germanicus felt as though he were failing fennec in that moment. he did not care for the rare glissade of helplessness which gripped him now. 

"when i slept beneath different stars each night, i felt closer to the world." but nomadic life had not sated him either. flat land. open land. the forest was beautiful but veiled the night.

were they coming apart?

"i do not know what it means to do more than endlessly fight and patrol and guard, fennec. i have never thought of more."

Fennec didn't believe him. She couldn't say if he was lying on purpose, but she didn't buy that he'd never been in a place where he felt happy. If she could find that, anyone could.

For the first time in the conversation she felt annoyed. He was determined to be this brooding soldier who gave orders so he wouldn't have to have real conversations, but he'd given her the impression he was interested in forever. Either he'd lied then too, or he didn't know what that word meant.

Then you have a problem. Because if you don't know why you're still here, how can you expect anyone else to stay? Fennec replied, a little tersely.

If he wasn't going to try for himself, she'd give him another reason to. Kids need a home, Germanicus. They learn responsibility later. I really hope you were thinking of more when you agreed to do this with me. Because you promised me you had. And you promised me we wouldn't lie to each other.

It wasn't quite an accusation, but she wanted him to think about it. Eventually maybe he'd have an answer for her. If not, she might have to reckon with the fact that Germanicus wasn't as prepared as he had seemed when they started this.

this time her words did smart.

germanicus was thankful that fennec could not see how he hung his head now.

he kept his breath silent though he knew her hearing was sharp. 

"what if we opened mereo to be a center of healing. medics trained alongside soldiers. a good deal of the territory dedicated to medicines. perhaps more toxic things if one has an interest."

of course he had thought ahead. he was wounded that she had brought up the children not yet present. and he was ashamed that he had given the impression he had lied.

he shoved his wants into a chest and locked them in silence.

"do you think it would be a decent change, fennec?" he did not want to speak on what she had said. he only wanted to prove he had thought more of this than previously said.

germanicus would assure a place for she and their children. his wants were not relevant in the scope of his want to fulfill their marriage properly.

No.  She answered sharply.  Then she stood and took a step away, facing his direction with a slightly affronted posture.

I'm not the one who needs anything.  She added, hating every bit of the surrender she read in his words.  She hadn't been pushing for him to roll over.  They didn't need to answer this now, but now she thought she knew him a bit better.  And she'd finally seen a side she didn't particularly like.

He said he was a fighter, but apparently he wouldn't bother for his own happiness.  Instead he was going to push it off on her to figure it out?

Just think about what you want.  And see what everyone in Mereo has to offer when we aren't fighting.  That's where I'd start.  She was still visibly bothered, but relented a little as she finished.  There were some things she wasn't going to be able to help with, but she did want to help.  I'll think about it too.  Healing covers more, but it still means all that matters is training and skill.

Maybe that was the Mereo he wanted.  Personally, she thought it could be more, and she meant to push him on it if she needed to.  It bothered her deeply that he seemed to only be here out of a sense of responsibility.  For some reason she'd thought Mereo meant more to him, but now, she had to wonder if he truly cared about anything.

but germanicus did not know.

passion rose in him. anger roiled in his belly. he had possessed exactly one vision of mereo and it had been dashed.

now he knew nothing.

now fennec demanded that he spiral together something he had never sought to change in the first place. he saw it in the lines of her pale gold body.

"very well." the answer of an officer. the answer of a stone door grating into place. "thank you, fennec."

he too stood. "i should return to our eastern borders."

and he would at once, when his wife let him go. he would not leave without hearing a final word.

She was going to cry. She could tell, but it didn't really register why, or why she suddenly felt the slide of panic down her gut.

This was just like every other time. Every goddamn time, they froze her out, no matter how hard she bent herself over and sideways to make sure they could fucking talk to her.

Her throat caught and her eyes burned as she heard him dismiss himself, but she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of it. His tone was flatter than it had ever been.

Remember that I only asked you for two things, and one of them was trust. She said quietly. We don't have to talk now. But don't lie to me, or hide from me, when we do; otherwise we might as well call the whole thing over. She stood and turned to walk away, her posture rigid and uncomfortable. Fennec didn't want to lose her composure there but the sensation was too familiar. Her jaw clenched, but her anger wasn't only towards him.

Happiness probably was too much to hope for. Especially when she was determined to sabotage it every fucking chance she got.

a muscle jumped in his jaw. he looked down toward the ground. 

"it ashames me that i have no answer for you, fennec. it is embarassing to know i cannot immediately expand my thoughts for mereo."

or that he needed time.

or that he wanted no longer to lead if so many left his company. it made him unfit. he felt the ground hard beneath his paws.

but his voice was pitched for her to hear, if she still wanted to do so.

She expected him to leave, and if he had, she would have considered it the beginning of the end. The place that she was in was triggered from a variety of factors and all of them contributed to a spiral that always ended firmly with her being alone.

He didn't.

She stopped where she was and her ears turned back, listening. She didn't relax but she did take a small breath and try to control the panic coursing through her.

You don't need to have the answers. We can find those, if you want, or you can just tell me you don't want to. I just want to know the truth. And I want to know that you know that I'm just... trying my best. Because it felt, too often, like she pushed and met active resistance. Like her attempts to help, or be there, were shot down before they even started.

the eagle's throat ached.

"the truth is that i have always emulated those before me."

how naked the tones falling from germanicus now.

"i am unsure of how to be — original." nares flared. hackles did not.

he waited on poised tongue.

"i want to be — more than this. for you."

She didn't turn back, but she stayed where she was as he continued. Maybe she should have, but she didn't think he would appreciate her making this more than what it needed to be. The entire thing that let them work so far was that they both understood when conversations were objective. Keeping the distance helped her a bit with that too.

She'd lost the feeling that he was stepping around something and now felt, more clearly, that he was trying to find words for something he didn't know how to describe. Fennec finally relaxed some, lowering her head slightly with relief.

I didn't ask for more than this, she replied, with just a touch of humor. It disappeared a moment later. I think you're probably the one who needs more. So you should do it, just for yourself instead. Whatever that meant. She wasn't entirely sure what he was referring to when he said 'more', but if it meant being more open with her, she was game. Otherwise any improvements he made would need to be good enough to pass his own inspection - she hardly knew him well enough, with their (essentially) shotgun marriage, to say she'd even notice the difference.

these sorts of conversations made germanicus vividly uncomfortable.  but he kept himself present. 

how could he convey what being a husband had always meant to him? and though he might never understand, there was a deeper part: that it connected to the eagle's sense of being a man.

and men did not rely on their wives for direction. they relied on the word of men around them. suppose she felt put upon to see him in such a struggle?

germanicus did not want to explore the meaning of more. but he nodded all the same. "i will consider it. for myself." what a selfish concept. and yet fennec wished it of him, this foreign feeling gliding coldly into his gut.

perhaps it was necessary.

It felt like a better close to Fennec than the previous one. There might have been value in staying, or in talking through more things, but Fennec had nothing else to say right then. She needed time to think as well, and even more, she felt like he needed to figure out what it was he truly needed from her.

When she sorted out what it was she wanted, she wouldn't be shy about asking for it. But she hadn't decided, yet, if what she wanted was a position at his side officially. Fennec had led before and every time there'd been... problems. She would hate to set up only to have another pack crumple underneath her.

But she also didn't like the idea of another filling that place.

Me too. She responded, then moved to continue her departure. She had a lot to consider over the next few days.