Stavanger Bay Tell me I'm weighing on your mind

The pain had returned.
However her conversation with @Lestan had gone, Reverie had dedicated herself to the effort of reforging the bond they'd had. They still had to raise Blossom, she reasoned; and if nothing was fixed by the time their daughter was grown, then they would truly know that it was a lost cause. So she was soft with him, and tried to be more open, more communicative than was in her nature.
It hurts again, She told him quietly, the morning she noticed it. I'm going to see @Bridget. And so she did.
She went slowly to where the healer had promised to stay, thinking on all that had happened. Reverie was uncertain she still wanted to continue treatment. If it cured her, and things were never mended with Lestan — where would that leave her? To die would feel like such a waste, after all this effort to stay alive, but she found so little joy in life now. She did not think she would love anyone again. It all felt so hopeless, she was nearly crying by the time she came to the place and tentatively called out, Bridget?

Bridget hadn’t found what she was looking for, but she had found two promising alternatives. Both were women’s herbs and meant to be taken for pain and for regulation, but neither would cause the side effects the other had. In fact, one might help the bleeding to lessen.

To find them she’d climbed the cliffs nearby and she hadn’t been back long when Reverie came calling for her. Bridget stretched and got to her feet, ignoring the ache in her hind leg. She’d gotten out of shape, avoiding the mountains on her way here, and she’d noticed it with humor as she was climbing. Maybe it was time to take up swimming again.

Hey. I found something that should work a little better. Did something happen? If something had changed, she’d need to know, though it was doubtful it would change what she hoped to use. Cramp bark and lady’s mantle. Both to ease pain, but the latter to help the bleeding as well. She’d forgotten about it until she came across it and remembered, abruptly, being told it’s use. Now she silently kicked herself for not recalling sooner.

Reverie studied Bridget a moment, noticing that she seemed tired. She wanted to ask, but there hadn't been much room for getting to know one another just yet. She had a feeling it would have to wait a little longer; there were more changes than she'd admitted to Lestan.
The pain is back, and it's... spreading, I think. I can feel it in my legs now, She frowned as she spoke. And I - I haven't been able to eat. I've been thinking about - taking something for that, but I don't know if it would interact with what you're planning to give me, so... She hadn't. After a moment, she thought to add, I've had some training in medicine - but nothing I've tried has worked for this.
What are we going to try this time? Reverie continued, a little anxious; she didn't try to hide it from her voice or her expression.

More pain, then. It wasn’t the best of signs but it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing either. Perhaps, if these worked, it would lessen this pain as well. Sometimes pain could spread as it grew.

This one is for cramping. It helps to dull the pain. This other is similar, but it helps to lessen bleeding also. Specifically the kind you are having. Bridget indicated the second plant, leafier than the first. It may still happen, but it will be lighter. And with luck it would happen less often with the two.

You need to eat, even if it isn’t something you want to do. I could try and track down some eggs, if those would settle better?

She watched Reverie with concern, hoping something lighter might at least present an option. She couldn’t go without replacing what was lost and she wouldn’t improve if she deprived herself the strength to do so. They would need to find something that would work.

Something for the pain, something for the bleeding; Reverie nodded, taking in a small breath. Alright, But she hoped that it would not happen again; Blossom had already seen too much of it, she felt, and it called to mind the day of her birth. She'd been covered in blood then, Reverie's blood...
I can try, She said anxiously to the mention of eggs. It's just that - I always feel a little like I've just eaten. Trying to eat makes me feel - sick. She eyed the herbs, wondering if these too would have some kind of unintended effect. Um, I was also wondering if - well, maybe you could talk to Lestan?
He's not - handling this well, Her expression turned apologetic. If it's too much to ask, I understand - I know you're already helping me, and I'm grateful for that. But Reverie hoped that she would agree, because she didn't think she could help him with this herself. He hardly ever listened to her, it felt.

You should try. With something at least. Your body deserves the food, and it doesn’t only help physically. If she could manage it, it would likely help her to feel more energized and more like herself. Going without food could sometimes twist a wolf’s mind and affect them emotionally in ways Bridget hoped she’d avoid.

The medic met her eyes a moment, then smiled and glanced away. I already planned on catching him. I need to meet him, but I want to check in too. She sat down, but continued, unable to leave her words hanging the way they did. You aren’t a burden. To me or to them. I know it can be hard to believe that, but we wouldn’t be here if we didn’t want to be.

Something about the way she’d asked had sounded apologetic, and Bridget wanted to cut that mindset off at the start if she could. Reverie didn’t ask to be put in this position any more than her husband. Neither of them deserved it, and Bridget resolved (again) to find him as soon as she was able to.

She nodded again, but this time because she didn't trust herself to speak. Her eyes were filling with tears. After a moment, she couldn't keep them from falling, and neither could she hold back her words anymore.
I - I feel like a burden, Reverie confessed, voice breaking. I was never - very healthy, even before this. I've always struggled with - with my mental health, and that was already hard enough. But ever since I got sick - I think - I think I've lost my mind, a little bit. I feel like I - I can't even control myself sometimes. Most of the time, really, and now that Reverie had her memories back she remembered falling into those depths, remembered terrified whispered confessions; "Moss, I'm afraid I'm going crazy..."
I'm - I'm afraid of what I'll do, Her voice had fallen nearly to a whisper, another echo of words she'd said once to Moss. A step back, back in time, back toward what she had been once. One step, but it meant everything. I feel so - hopeless sometimes.

Reverie seemed to come apart in front of her and Bridget was glad to see it. Not because she enjoyed seeing the woman in pain, but because emotion like this needed to be let out. She gave a visual invitation for Reverie to come closer and, if she did, the medic would pull her into an embrace.

It’s okay to feel that way. This is a lot to handle for anyone, and no one should expect you to be handling it well. Least of all yourself. It’s okay to be mad, or upset, or to feel like you can’t handle it anymore. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed anyone, and it doesn’t mean you’ve stopped trying. The first step was to accept the feelings as your own. Bridget remembered, very clearly, the anger she’d felt when she’d first gotten her injury. Then the despair. It was a different road than Reveries, but many of the pitfalls were likely the same.

And it’s okay to be scared. That’s when we know we need someone to share that fear with. Even if they don’t always understand, it will mean something that they know. She added, hoping Reverie would understand. It wasn’t necessary for her to reach out, especially not right away, but she didn’t seem to mind sharing right now. And if Bridget could help to set some of those fears aside, she wanted to.

She hesitated but accepted Bridget's unspoken invitation in the end, stepping into her embrace and crumbling further. Reverie was nearly blinded with her tears. She couldn't seem to stop the words from coming.
I - I haven't been able to share my fear with anyone, She admitted, struggling to control her breathing. Lestan - he's more scared than I am, I think, and - there's been so much - he's dealt with so much already, for me, how can I tell him that I'm barely holding on? That I - sometimes I - don't even want to try.
But she'd already told him that, hadn't she? I've been terrible to him, and to Blossom - I haven't been a good wife, or a good mother. I've just been - sick, in every way, in body and in mind. I - I'm so afraid to lose them both, or that they'll lose me, The sense in her words began to falter, and she hardly knew what she was saying anymore. I've never really been afraid to die, but I'm so afraid to - to be away from my family - and sometimes I think - even if I live, even if this gets better, I'll - And she could speak no longer; she dissolved into sobs.

Bridget didn’t answer right away. She just held Reverie tight and let her sob against her, knowing that any words she said immediately would probably be lost on the other woman anyway.

It was hard for her to imagine twisting herself into this many knots over assumptions and constructed truths. If it were Bridget, she’d have confronted Lestan from the start and been done with it, but it was clear Reverie was more the type to assume her thoughts were too much to share.

You haven’t been a bad wife or a bad mother. The only way to do that is not to care. It seems to me that you care too much, and hurting yourself in the process. Bridget was reminded again of conversations she’d had with Teya. All of this felt extremely familiar.

There’s no shame in feeling overwhelmed. And there’s no shame in having low points. But you can’t put all of this weight on yourself. You have a life to live, and look forward to, and so do they. And all of those lives are going to be full of beautiful things, sometimes together, sometimes apart. You shouldn’t be afraid of those new things, any more than you are afraid of dying.

You don't know what I've done - to her, to Lestan, A raw whisper, voice breaking. Reverie was spiralling, and if she had the sense to stop and think about it, she might have felt bad for dumping all of this on Bridget. But she didn't. Sometimes I think - this is what I deserve.
She pulled away and wiped her face, suddenly angry with herself as the realization struck her: she was doing to Bridget what she'd done to Arric, what she'd done to Gunnar, what she did to everyone who listened. I'm - I'm sorry, I shouldn't have - dumped all of that on you. Reverie tried to compose herself, and failed; she started to cry again almost as soon as she'd stopped.
You care too much, Bridget had said, and it reminded her starkly of what Lestan had told her. That he did not want to be the beginning and the end; that she loved him too much. I don't know how to stop being afraid of - losing them. They're all I have, really. Is it - is it such a bad thing, to want to keep them? There was a raw vulnerability to her gaze now, something a little desperate. She wanted Bridget to tell her that it was okay to want that, that she would not lose them. She wanted promises that the healer could not make, and she knew it.

Bridget let her pull away but didn’t move away herself. The apologies weren’t necessary, obviously, but she didn’t push back against them just yet.

It’s unfair to them, and yourself, to put that kind of weight on staying. There’s nothing wrong with growing and finding we no longer fit where we are. Or growing and finding we fit even better than we thought. What’s most important is that everyone chooses what’s best for them. Bridget replied gently, knowing it might not be what she wanted to hear. You can try to be what they need, and they can try to be what you need. But if that isn’t what happens, it doesn’t mean anyone failed. It just means things change.

Just like she and Teya, grown apart despite all of her best attempts. Teya hadn’t failed her by finding the family she wanted and she hadn’t failed her friend by leaving to find her own way. Life was more complicated than that.

Whatever you’ve done, they’re still here. You’re hard on them and yourself if you don’t give them the credit of their own choices. What makes you so sure they will want to leave? She didn’t mean to pry or to press too hard, but it felt like an important question if Reverie had the answer for it. The root of one of her deeper fears maybe.

Reverie tried to listen, she really did, but all she could think was who will love me if not them?
Then Bridget asked, and it all came pouring out;
It's - well, things have never really been okay. I've been sick almost as long as Lestan and I have been together, and - when I first got sick - he left. He left, and I was pregnant and alone, and I was so - so scared of being a mother, by myself. So I tried - I tried to end it. Her; the pregnancy; Blossom, She tried to stifle a sob as she admitted this grievous sin.
And when he came back, it still wasn't okay. I've always felt like - like he holds it against me. This sickness. But everything kept going wrong - there was a witch threatening our daughter, and things went terribly with the pack we were in, and - we've just never had time to talk about it. Really talk. And now -
We had a fight, not long ago. He - he brought these children - he wanted to leave them to die, and I didn't. He told me that he would leave if I kept them, so I - I panicked. I said that I would - that I wouldn't wait to die, that I would end it right then, and... I'm afraid that things are broken forever, She swallowed hard. And if we had really gotten the chance to try, maybe I would be okay with that. But we haven't. I - I tried to talk to him about it, but he wants to - to focus on me getting better, before us, Reverie shook her head. But I don't think it can wait. I'm afraid he'll - he'll change his mind, before then, and then we'll never really get to try.
And Blossom... I'm always so afraid that she'll realize how much I don't want to be a mother. I love her, more than anything - but I thought - I thought I'd get more time to decide if I wanted kids. And now she's here, and she deserves so much more than I can give her. Or - or what if Lestan realizes it too, and he takes her from me? He tried to, once, when I was bleeding, Reverie sucked in a breath.
I just want - to try to make things better. I know we can, but it feels like... like every chance we get just gets ripped away when something else happens. And now it feels like there is no chance, not while I'm sick like this - Lestan, he - he takes it so personally, Finally, she cut herself off. Do you - do you think it's hopeless?

Bridget listened patiently as she spilled out her insecurities and her fears. She was scrambling to hold onto these things she thought would slip away and blaming herself, already, for an outcome she seemed determined to make come true. It was a delicate situation, but between the threats and the way she’d seen her turn him away at the beach, Bridget felt she was pushing him away before he could leave on his own.

I think if it was hopeless he would already be gone. But I think you disagree with that. That you’ve already made up your mind that he’s going to leave you. She left Blossom off the table for now, though she’d thought Reverie looked young to be a new mother. She must have been mistaken.

What would it take, to convince you otherwise? She wanted Reverie to think about what kind of gesture would prove that they weren’t lying to her when they said they wanted to be here. It was a risky call, but she was sure of what she was seeing. There was too much fear, and it was all too focused in insecurity and doubt.

Reverie had missed this, if she was honest with herself; talking, really talking to someone who would listen without inserting their own emotions, who would say soothing things instead of reacting. She'd forgotten what that was like, and after becoming so accustomed to it during her time with Kvarsheim and Swiftcurrent Creek, it had driven her a little mad.
All of it had, really. She was starting to see that now. All that talk of gods, and magic, and —
She told herself to focus. She didn't quite agree with what Bridget had said; Lestan, she thought, had an affinity for lost causes. He had chosen this, and continued to choose it, but that didn't mean he wouldn't find a breaking point. It didn't mean Reverie wouldn't take him to it herself.
But... the question was fair. What would convince her?
Reverie took a breath. I think - I think it'll take time. It just - doesn't feel like we have that. It never feels like we have time, She blinked back the returned threat of tears. To be honest, I don't love him the way I did. It - it's still there, it's just not the same. And that feels like - like another limit on the time we have to fix this. Even as she opened up to Bridget further, she couldn't quite bring herself to admit the true depth of her shame. None of this would matter so much if she didn't need, desperately, to fill the hole left in her life by Rose — and she knew that was wrong, but the very thought of being without that kind of anchor in her life again left her breathless.
Then she remembered: if it can't be Blossom, it should be you.
But how could it be her? She hated herself. She hated everything that she was, everything she'd ever been.
I just want to sleep, Reverie said abruptly, and the tears started to fall again, but quietly this time. And then I would wake up, and it would all be a dream, and Lestan and I would be by the lake in the valley and -
I'm sorry, She apologized again even as she crumbled.

Bridget watched her crumble again. There’s time. If you need it, there’s always time. There was no reason to rush something beyond where she wanted to take it, and no reason to use the time they had the way she needed to.

When I get in my head, instead of worrying about where I’ve been, or where I’m going, I worry about right now. And I focus on what I can do here. What I have, this moment. She couldn’t go backwards, or control the future, but she could choose here and now.

And right now, there’s nothing to be sorry for.

Reverie nodded slowly, calming again as Bridget spoke. Thank you, She murmured, and closed her eyes with a little sigh, letting the tension slowly fall away from her. I've been here before. When my sister died.
I'll figure it out. I always do, Her eyes opened again, and there was a soft light in them, something like hope but whittled down to the thinnest sliver. I used to be a dancer, you know. Reverie glanced down at the herbs again. That was all I wanted to do, all the time. Maybe she would again, someday. When Blossom was older, when Lestan had finally moved on to someone he might find more happiness with; maybe she would just be a dancer again.
Her gaze was still lingering on the plants Bridget had brought. I - I think I'm ready to try them now. The herbs.

Bridget nodded, placing the small bundle closer. Just like before, let me know if there are effects. She would eat both, slightly more of the latter herb. Then, after a moment, she spoke again, this time more softly.

Do you think you feel you’ve lost your love of dancing for the same reasons you are losing your love for Lestan? Or does it feel different? It sounded, to Bridget, like she was tired and had lost sight of a number of the things she once prized. That wasn’t unheard of or something to be ashamed of, but it was worth noting. You don’t need to give me an answer if you don’t have one. But reflecting on why might give you a way to rediscover some of that joy again.

Her gaze was concerned, but beneath was understanding.

Dread tugged at her insides, coiled them into something tightly-wound and waiting for the worst, but Reverie tried not to hesitate too much. She chewed the leaves and thought about Bridget's question. After several moments, she nodded. It's just - difficult to see the point in any of it, sometimes, She admitted softly. Her eyes found Bridget's again.
I'm just unhappy anyway, and - all I've ever wanted is to be happy. I know that's - selfish, but... I never really have been. Not with myself, or my life, Not for lack of trying, she thought. And I've tried to take advice from so many people - to live in the present, dance in the rain, let go of my fears. But I - I'm tired of spending so much energy just trying to cope. It sounds nice to say, but there's nothing beautiful about dancing in the rain, and being strong doesn't mean finding peace. It just means surviving. And I want more than that. I always have.

It isn’t selfish to want to be happy. We all deserve that. She responded easily, not needing to reflect much on that. No wolf should need to sacrifice happiness for anything, and if they found themselves doing this, then they needed to find another path. Because the one they were on was not worth walking.

She knew it wasn’t as simple as that, though, because happiness could be lost for a number of reasons. And Reverie’s seemed more internal, and health related, than external.

Being in the moment doesn’t mean letting go of your fears. It means acknowledging them, and understanding what they are, while accepting there’s only so much we can do about them. If this moment is mine, then I choose how I experience it, and I try not to let fear control me. Bridget chuckled, shaking her head. It’s easier said than done, but it can help. It can help you to see beauty, and light, as you encounter it, and to appreciate it when you do. There is beauty in rain, and in surviving. Being strong isn’t the only way to find it.

Weakness wasn’t a flaw, and strength wasn’t always an asset.

I used to be - more positive, more accepting of things. Less... sad. Maybe I'll try to - to be that again, She thought, wistfully, of Rose — and disturbingly she wondered if Lestan might have liked her better. Reverie pushed that thought away and let out a little sigh. Her gaze drifted. Maybe that would make Lestan happier, too... Even now she couldn't help but think of him, of what might help their relationship.
If it did, it would be worth it in the end. But Reverie didn't feel positive. She felt... so tired.

Bridget felt the conversation drawing to a close and didn’t want to feel like she was preaching. Still, it felt worthwhile to end it on a note that discouraged a direction she could easily see Reverie diving down.

There’s a lot of advice from a lot of places. Just make sure, whatever you try, you do for yourself. There’s a fine line between trying to make someone else happy and losing yourself in the process. She finished softly, then smiled. Like I said, all kinds of advice.

If Reverie didn’t take it, she wouldn’t be bothered. Bridget couldn’t know what she wanted or needed, she only knew what had occasionally worked for others she’d known in the past.

I - see what you mean, but I'm not afraid to lose myself that way. I'm afraid to lose myself to... this sickness, and I'm afraid that Lestan will too, There was a faint frown on her features, but Reverie tried to smooth it from her expression. Thank you for talking with me, Bridget... and thank you for agreeing to talk to Lestan, too. I hope - I hope that you can help him. I've tried, but he never accepts my help. I think... maybe he's afraid that I'll let him down. I don't know.
But maybe - now that you're here, helping us, things will be better, She managed a grateful smile for Bridget. I've always found it - difficult to trust healers. But I trust you.

It wasn’t an unreasonable fear or a rare one for wolves who carried a long-term sickness. Bridget nodded, but kept quiet as she heard Reverie out on the rest, smiling a little and letting a spark of amusement enter her expression as the woman thanked her again. She wouldn’t comment on it, but the repeated thanks were a great indicator that Reverie saw even their conversations as a burden. It wasn’t often that Bridget was thanked just for chatting.

It could be that he doesn’t want to trouble you with his issues, and sees them as less important than your health. Or it could be that he doesn’t know what to say. She would certainly find out! Whatever it is, I’ll do my best. And I can promise that much for you too, since it’s the only promise I can make and be honest. I appreciate the trust and I’ll make sure it’s well placed. She tipped her head playfully, but the words were clearly sincere despite the lightness behind them.

I’m going to go see if I can rustle up some eggs, and I’ll bring them by to check in once I do. The rest had been enough to give her a second wind, so she stood and stepped forward, giving Reverie an affectionate touch on the shoulder with her muzzle. We’ll talk again. Anytime, and about anything. Whatever we talk about stays here unless you want me to share it, and I’ll promise Lestan the same.

Last for me! <3 Thank you for the thread

Reverie nodded, going quiet; she felt suddenly overwhelmed, hopeless all over again. Bridget had done her best, and her advice would linger with Reverie over the weeks to come, but the truth was that nothing would make her feel better about this. No one held that ability except Lestan, and he —
Well, she tried not to think about it too much. I'd like that - to talk again, I mean, She managed softly, warming under the affectionate gesture. I should... get back to Blossom, too. But I'll let you know if anything changes. If I bleed again. Reverie wasn't certain she could handle another episode like the last. She wasn't certain Lestan could handle it. But what choice did any of them have?
Reverie spent the day subdued after she departed Bridget's company; lost in thought.