Redsand Canyon vultus

thanks to the undeserved attentions of epoch, germanicus returned to mereo.

the dressing was dripping in scarlet blotches before he returned, mud-caked and empty.

over his shoulders, the cat.

if the sentinels of mereo moved toward him with worry, he waved them away, dumping the carcass of the animal where it slid from his body.

reyson, looking heavenward. arsenio, a scathing promise on his lips. 

the rankle of what he felt to be unwarranted peace for the redstone man fluttered deep and sharp.

meadow, her slight, still form buffeted gently by the movements as she was lifted, a thin wrist outflung.

he did not know if she would live or die.

their hatred, all of it, warranted.

germanicus stumbled to the densite he shared with @Fennec and collapsed to his belly with an audible groan.

Fennec returned to the den to the scent of blood.

And for a long moment it stopped her in her tracks, rigid, while her mind spun down a winding trail of distrust and a sudden flash of uncontrollable and panicked anger. Bronco, nearly drowning just as he returned. Bronco, slamming his head to the ground rather than speak to her. Bronco, his muzzle doused in blood before he left her forever.

Time and time again she’d been forced to put medic over her failing marriage and the communication that was needed. It really was no different.

Just leave. The thought was a gut reaction and even she knew that it was ugly. Her throat caught and her jaw tightened, but after another long moment, she forced herself to stiffly enter the space.

There was a lot of blood. She could smell it clearly, and she sought her way to him, but she didn’t speak. There was no way she knew to explain the fury and pain that caught her right now, the overwhelming emotions that made her want to run out on him immediately and never turn back. Silence was the best choice she had.

belatedly germanicus realized that he should not have entered the den, should not have corrupted it with his blood and worthlessness.

fennec was there, tense and silent.

"there was a cat beside the lake. it is dead now."

the lake! 

where he had ended up after valiria had gone.

where his son @Aquillius had fought a wolverine and never come home.

he drew a ragged breath and met the pale glint of her gaze in the darkness. more to say, but he could not yet muster it.

Of course there was.

She didn’t know why she was furious. It was irrational to think he might have chosen a fight with a cat… she knew it was ridiculous. She knew that whatever this was had no grounding in reality. It didn’t change the fact that she felt it.

Wait here. She needed to grab some things and, thankfully, it would give her a moment too.

Why had he been at the lake? That wasn’t the real question. The real question was where he’d been since his visit to Epoch. She hadn’t been able to really find him since.

Fennec’s jaw was still a firm line when she returned carrying various elements to treat the wound with. She approached him closer this time and began to immediately try and get a sense for where the damage was. Her touch was light as she skimmed over the dressing he’d made, and once she’d gotten the measure of it she began to work at cleaning the mess from the wound itself. It needed to be bound with something that wouldn’t cause it to fester.

germanicus should have stopped her before he left.

when fennec returned, his skin twitched under her touch. he remembered arsenio gritting a cold ultimatum into his face, the pull and pain as his son bound the imperator's wound.

suddenly he could not bear the thought of fennec touching him with such care, not when —

germanicus let out his breath and pulled away from his wife, out into the night between the trees which surrounded their den. "valiria has gone home to her mother." his voice was strained. "that is — all four children of mine are gone, fennec. it does not suggest i should be a father again."

the agony was immense as the last of antigone's bandaging fell away beneath a rivulet of blood. germanicus let the iron scent of it fill his nostrils and focused upon the moon. "mereo — i — am finished in the mountains."

Fennec’s ears flicked in annoyance as he pushed away from her and she immediately snatched up her supplies and followed him. The dressing that had been applied was well done for the circumstances but she knew whoever did it likely hadn’t had time to clean the wound fully. She wouldn’t let him poison his blood out of stubbornness.

Lay down and let me work. She stated, the shard of ice that pierced her stomach making its way into the lining of the words. It was an outward command but, internally, also a plea.

it does not suggest i should be a father again.

I am finished in the mountains.

Despite suspecting, having her fears seemingly confirmed left her hewn open. Another marriage failed. Another mate who had looked a future with her in the face and decided a life alone would be objectively better. Her chest tightened but, overall, she just felt numb.

So you don’t want this anymore. It was a flat comment, devoid of accusation or judgement.

"i did not say that," germanicus said, throat working with a hard swallow as he resisted her efforts. "but mereo can no longer reside here in the canyon. i have — enraged arsenio for the final time."

there was no reason to utter such things but the imperator did not want to protect himself.

the blood dripped warm through the dark silver of his fur.

germanicus was anguished with a true horror to look toward fennec now. "i have failed as a father and as imperator." look at mereo, look at its clinging to redsand walls that felt as if they might corrode beneath a touch. 

and as a husband.

twice.

It sounded like a no but it wasn’t entirely clear. Just because he did not say it didn’t mean he didn’t feel it.

Suddenly Fennec found her anger. Her expression hardened some and she moved towards him, reaching out to hold him in place and try to press him to where she could treat the now bleeding wound. Her patience, frayed over weeks, finally snapped.

You haven’t even tried. Don’t give yourself the credit of failing. If she managed to get him over she would pin him, letting her words spill over before she finished the dressing she’d been trying to start.

You’re so fucking sure of your own opinion you don’t bother to ask anyone else’s. What an absolute joke. It’s nice of you to decide for me what my opinion of your leadership, and our marriage, is supposed to be. God forbid we actually fucking talk about anything, or you make me feel for an instant like you give a shit about how I feel. Why would you need to, when apparently you’ve already decided?

The accusations were caustic as they came out. She hadn’t realized just how angry she was and had been for days.

It was clear to her that at some point something had caused him to give up. It pissed her off immensely that she had put her heart into this place, into fitting a role he’d chosen for her, only to be faced with the revelation that he considered all of it a failure.

had he tried? 

rage and indignation floated into the space of his pained mind.

fennec's vengeance was swift. she raised her voice in anger and his ears splayed beneath the onslaught. 

"i do not need any more opinions on my leadership," he said, rounding toward her with a growl "look at what we have lost, how many. it is me. i drove siku and nanuq away. i drove towhee and maxim away, and now, we have lost reyson."

he thought of the great scarred soldier looking skyward in anguish and his heart twisted. 

violently this time he tore from fennec, desperation not to let her touch him again driving him deeper into the forest. he did not deserve it; each touch of her paws was another betrayal on his part. the idea of his wife healing his wounds while he had been so unfaithful tormented germanicus. 

"save your healing."

he thought of meadow's dangling limb as she was carried back to the vale.

that too, his fault, for having grounded her there to hear his malaise. 

germanicus could muster no words on their marriage.

Fennec snarled.

You do NOT get to give me fucking orders. SIT DOWN.

Her fur rose along the ridge of her spine as she took a step forward, her eyes not directed but still beset with an intensity of fury.

You can force me to wrestle you down like a fucking child throwing a fit or you can act like a goddamn soldier. But I am healing you.

Selfish. Every word that poured from him was an assumption that the world revolved around him. Maybe if he managed to pull his head out of his ass someday he’d recognize people made choices that had nothing to fucking do with him.

If he did not obey her she would attack. Any damage she might do wrestling him to the ground couldn’t compare to leaving a wound open and without full treatment.

all lines of the roman turned to steel as fennec ordered him.

and perhaps it was just as well, for the last racing tension in his body broke when blood flowed to his ankle.

fennec said she would do this. germanicus stared into the hardness of her resolute features. he deserved nothing, least of all the skill that might save him from the infection of the cat's claws.

the millstone of his knowing and fennec's unknowing hung around his neck, the tightness of it forcing a harder breath.

but at last he relented, seeing the next seconds in her muscles. he sat down heavily and into a stoic, closed silence. his yellowpaint eyes were haunted. "wait. please, fennec. i — there is something else." he submitted to her will and yet her will could not be whole without the knowing. why would she? why should she?

the idea that she would come forward now with her herbs tightened his belly with shame.

He didn’t leave but he told her to wait. She showed her teeth in response. There wasn’t an ounce of her that was willing to relent to this ridiculous, useless masochism he was intent to endure.

You’ve insulted me enough in this conversation. You won’t kill my pride the way you’ve finished yours.

She was beyond scorn… livid. She didn’t yell but the steel in her voice was matched by the hard set of her features. When she grabbed her supplies and moved closer, she would accept no refusal. If he pulled from her she would snap to keep him in place.

He had promised to be better than that. The reminders of another who had pulled similarly away echoed, but this ire was for him alone. He would not shame her into letting him die.

Nothing prevented him from speaking while she worked.

germanicus was silent all through the binding. he did not flinch. he did not pull away.

fennec worked.

and all the scathing words of arsenio returned to him; arsenio, the man he had loved most as closest companion.

germanicus was silent, but his face grew wet with the first tears he had shed in a long while.

his shoulders did not shake; he stared straight ahead while his wife mended his unworthy flesh.

She wasn’t as gentle as she could have been but she was not harsh. She simply did not trust that he would stay for long, even if the fight seemed to leave him for the moment. Most importantly, she was thorough.

When a majority of the supplies were chewed she pressed them in place, holding them firmly. Blood still seeped but between the poultice, saliva, and pressure it would soon stem once more.

He wasn’t speaking. She would.

My son left me to join you. This makes me a failure of a mother, in your eyes. Her voice was now deceptively calm, only a tremor of tension beneath, like a coiled spring. He had turned her patience to a hair trigger.

My husband left me. This makes me a failure of a wife. And the ones who followed him made me a failure of a leader too. Because somehow, you seem to think I have to accept their failures as my own. Their choices aren’t mine.

And here you are, basing everything on the ones who left, completely ignoring every one of us who continue to fucking stand here. What are we worth?

She could feel the tears, born more from anger than anything else, despite not wanting to give the satisfaction of them. As if anything he thinks of this matters. She continued to hold the pressure, grateful for something physical to focus on.

with each pronouncement germanicus grew harder in his rigid self, until it must feel to fennec as though she touched stone. her skill soon staunched the flow of blood, and the redness was only left to dry upon his silvered limb.

fennec turned his words back upon himself. the eagle could not internalize what she meant but he heard its reverberating message all the same.

he worked in failure. he measured in what he had not done instead of what he had managed to do.

he looked askance, skyward; she was correct and he felt himself staring down the knifeblade of a panic to lose her. to lose her genuine feeling.

"you are worth the truth, fennec."

there was a shattering inside him, a sundering. germanicus felt his throat raw with a sob that scraped the inside of his voice.

the facade of long-held guilt cracked, and with it, his long-held control.

and then it came. 

his days with crowfeather, where the boy and he had grown close, too close. of the almost-war in the sunspire, when the saints were routed. how crowfeather had gone to find nyra and been hatefully mauled. how he had abandoned the injured shadow in akashingo, believing this pure love to be only the infatuation of pupil for mentor. how he had come to mereo and married ruenna, setting his sights forward toward the foundation of their land and how he must be as husband and imperator.

germanicus in hoarsening voice told fennec that his love for the shadow had never gone, that he had only wound the boy's proverbial colors around a strong wrist and moved off without his companion.

he told her of arsenio, of their bond behind the palace walls, when germanicus had hired him as a mercenary and he had asked for tamar's freedom in payment. and yes, yes! the imperator told his wife of the girl belen, innocent and frightened, lured into the palace by himself and the greek man to replace tamar then.

his weakness, even then.

he told her of his love for ruenna. he told her of the agony the redsand woman had suffered, in quiet and with good humour, until it became too much. alivia and cornelius had gone with her then.

germanicus spoke of aquillius, the boy who had never come home, voice cracking as he admitted his eyes had never moved to search.

he told fennec of meeting meadow and the brief thing he had experienced, some movement of hope upon which he had not acted then. of reyson's involvement barring him further from meadow.

there was so much more to say. arsenio's scorn. arsenio's anger, to know that mereo stood beside makono and beside akashingo.

and then valiria, who could not longer stand a home without her mother, who had followed ruenna's trail into the sunshine land beyond the teekon.

"but i was with meadow that morning the cat struck. i was — i sought closure in her and very closely revenge for arsenio's humilation and for the abandonment of those who have gone to the vale. she would have returned to the vale bearing my children had not the beast found us there."

out. all of it, out. germanicus was drained.

"i called for epoch. reyson saw what had gone on. arsenio said i must never come so close again. his son gave me healing i did not deserve."

and now he was here.

"so yes, fennec. i judge by those who have gone. i judge by what i have done. what other measuring can it be?"

silence, now; throat worn and heart fading.

Finally he told her the truth. She couldn’t have known how much there was, or any of the details of what he was now sharing, but she had known that no one’s life could be as regimented and empty as he had described his to be.

One lover left behind, but still loved. Another leaving him… still loved. And Meadow.

She didn’t have it in her to judge him for the choices he’d made alongside others. She’d poisoned a man she never met and, in doing so, likely freed the Belen he spoke of. The only thing that was important was the way that he chronically, and consistently, denied himself happiness. But he hadn’t denied her.

So what did that make them?

She was quiet for a long moment after, and her anger drained into a tired and inevitable acceptance. She’d known this was coming. She’d counted on it every moment since they’d begun this entire dance. She just hadn’t estimated the form it would take.

Would you be happier, with him? Or with Meadow? She liked Reyson, but if Germanicus and Meadow had shared this, then obviously the attraction was mutual. It was their choice to make. If you would, your failure is staying. I deserve better than another lie. We all do. Mereo too. If his heart wasn’t here then the pack was doomed to splinter.

She didn’t love him, thankfully…. Not yet. But she knew that she could, if given the chance, and she mourned it silently as she stood there waiting for an answer. She could guess what it would be.

fennec did not move to anger.

she only questioned.

germanicus had expected rage. or tears. but in their absence he realized and with a jarring gratefulness that his flawed nature had not yet touched her heart. 

a stab in that, of another failure.

germanicus shook his head. "i do not know how to be happy. i do know it will not come out of someone else's effort."

and such was the totality of things. he had seen happiness with crowfeather and had thrown it away. he had not followed ruenna into the sunshine land.

"i hurt him so very much."

he felt he could give fennec a half-dozen reasons on why he and the epochian would not have fit. a dozen reasons why crowfeather did not deserve to shoulder the damaged weight of his spirit. and in exploring them he found he still did not forgive himself.

he had used meadow, for all the conflicted affection of his heart. and now he had sent her to pain and to shame. he had denied crowfeather and skipped over him for a new life.

"i was better alone," germanicus said in a ragged whisper. "happiness is not what i seek. it is peace."

and fennec could not pour that into him either.

His answer was obvious despite not giving it.

I hurt him so very much.

It struck her like a knife. She had to keep a grip on her composure or she would break down completely and she wasn’t sure if she could stop once she started. She would cry later, where her tears wouldn’t risk him choosing pity over truth. Not that she would let him now.

You’ll never find it if you keep punishing yourself for leaving him. That had to be it. If he thought he wasn’t fit for happiness, then Crowfeather was the crux of it. And if you resent us for not being something impossible, you’ll end up destroying everything.

She tried to steady herself, finishing and turning slightly away as heat prickled uncomfortably in her eyes and throat. You need to find him.

did fennec believe if germanicus went to find crowfeather, there would be salvation?

more than likely he would jar the former ranger from his life, double his pain.

he wanted to deny them both, her this truth and crowfeather the agony of seeing him once more. 

"and you, fennec?"

and mereo?

there was no part of him that expected her to wait for him. what had he offered her besides silence and now the thrumming of something dark between them?

germanicus meant to return to this canyon, even as his mind shifted eastward.

Her? She would have happiness walk away from her a second time. But if he didn’t go, she knew neither of them would actually find peace.

I can’t live wondering. I don’t think you can either.

She didn’t have more of an answer than that, but either way, she would no longer be his concern. There was some comfort in the fact that this time she at least knew before it was too late, but at the moment it rang hollow.

Her season would come and he would be gone. She didn’t have the heart to seek a stranger. Any hopes she had would be put on hold for another year, stretching onward and into the unknown future.

it was unfair.

it rang unfair.

"he came here. i hurt him again."

his voice was rough. "leave the sunspire with me, fennec. i cannot be here any longer. but i believe i can be — better. somewhere else."

he, for all his horrific voids, did not want to lose her; the prospect of having harmed yet another individual beyond repair forced panic into his nostrils.

"these mountains hold too much memory." come east! come east! he could lay the memory of crowfeather to rest if he only had a single chance to get beyond these canyon walls.

Her indignation flared alongside the hurt. She wanted to believe him but there was no way this wasn’t him running away.

He could have told her he wouldn’t be happier there. Instead he’d only spoken of hurt.

He deserves closure just as much as you. I’m not going to help you run away. It came out sharper. She just told him that she couldn’t live with not knowing. Moving might help him but it would do nothing for her.

Her ears tipped back and her chest tightened. He wouldn’t return, she knew, but there was no reason not to say it. She had nowhere else to go; her son was here.

I can wait, and keep things here. If you see him, and you come back…. I’ll go with you.

He wouldn’t. What was a another few months?

and he could not bear to know.

he stared at fennec and realized that a kernel of something like love grew in a desperate sprout below his breastbone.

she had been the first to listen, the first to see all of him.

and she had not turned him away in anger.

now she offered a second chance.

to reach out and take it meant first that he must leave.

that insistent green moved in a gradient.

his voice was a croak, "as long as you are here i will come back." there was no reason for fennec to believe him. but he had not abandoned his post yet and would not now.

not if she meant that after this she could move eastward.  with him. with killdeer.

he thought wildly of the cloven stone.

"i will go." silence fell.

She couldn’t quite say the words but she was grateful that he didn’t fight her any more on it. She was prepared to push as hard as she needed to protect herself from getting further tied into something that wasn’t true - but it was easier if she didn’t need to drive him away to do it.

I’ve been disappointed before, Germanicus. If he is what you want, come and tell me. I’ll be fine. And if he came back disappointed, then maybe they could at least move on. The sharpest pain was that, this year, her chance at motherhood would again likely be lost.

She didn’t want to hold him here that long. She’d rather know, and be sure, than raise a child without knowing if their father would return.

germanicus too thought of the children he had wanted. he still wished them, and he still desired that fennec was their mother.

but all four of his first had gone.

he must make himself a better father before he forced a new child to be the only thing which bound germanicus to mereo.

he wanted to reach for fennec; he wanted to enfold her against his chest and tell her softly that no matter what happened upon his trek, he would return. germanicus did not mean to disappear into the world.

it was tactless in the selfish way he had always acted.

no more.

but he did not think she would believe him, nor did he feel he had the right to touch her again.

"i will return, fennec." perhaps she might hear the clear new note in his voice.

softly the imperator rose, limping back to the den.

the shadows engulfed him at and last he fell into a winnowing and weakened slumber.