Swiftcurrent Creek [m] Fairy blue, it is only for you that I would crush the stars

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The participants have indicated the following reason(s) for this warning: Discussion of abortion

ETA date: March 15. A week from this thread she'll be showing obvious signs of pregnancy.

It took time for Reverie to see real improvement, but steadily things began to change. She wasn't sure what to blame, exactly. She'd made so many changes in the last few weeks, it felt impossible to separate the effects. All she knew was that sleep came easier; she was gaining weight, settling into the sinewy figure of a lifelong dancer even as she softened in some places; she didn't want the berries anymore and didn't need them to stay calm; she felt…
Real?
Yes, real, really truly here for the first time in — perhaps forever. Looking back, it seemed as if she had never had a clear thought in her life until now. So many things felt different. She could no longer see why she'd ever wanted to run, to be alone; instead she saw that she had been sick, so very sick that it hurt to think of it now. And she still was — but not nearly as bad as it had been. Reverie tried not to think of what might have happened if she hadn't decided to stay, if she hadn't promised to herself that she would try to be normal for Lestan. It was not what she'd wanted, in the end.
But she wasn't certain she would have survived getting what she wanted.
Instead she settled for reality; she settled for that feeling of contentment that she found herself feeling more often than not lately. It wasn't perfect. Reverie still wanted to travel, she still wanted more than Swiftcurrent Creek had to offer — but this was where the path led. This was where @Lestan wanted to be, and Lestan —
Well, he had likely saved her life, whether he realized it or not. Reverie tried to be more attentive to him. She took to bringing him small gifts each day, pretty little things she found around the Creek that she thought might brighten his days. The bird still appeared to her, but Reverie only watched it in silence now. The garden was a quiet place when she visited. The doors did not open for her anymore. She wasn't sure she wanted them to; she was certain now that it was all a conjuration of her mind, a sign that her grip on reality was truly slipping. A permanent reminder of how far she'd let herself fall. And there were other changes too, baffling things, small differences to her scent that she knew instinctively yet consciously rejected and a new aversion to the smell of grass. Small things, though, compared to the peace she was beginning to grasp.
Reverie would never be normal, but she knew now that it was possible to be happier than she'd been. She was starting to want things again; good things, healthy things. She wanted —
Lestan, Reverie couldn't help but smile softly as she looked at him, reminded of how much she loved him. Will you - help me build a garden? She was thinking about how Gunnar had explained packs to her, and how she'd thought of it as similar to keeping a garden. Reverie had never built a garden that was meant to last before — but she knew it could be done. And she wanted to try it with Lestan.

lestan was diminished.
he wished to blame it upon being so far from the loch, gone from the golden lake so long that it had taken with it a part of himself.
but that seemed foolish. he had the creek now, and kvarsheim, and reverie. 
a goodly part of lestan felt that their ages had begun to yawn into a chasm. where he was settled, worried, she flitted about the world like a gilded butterfly.
he answered with a smile first, one that drove the contemplative exhaustion from his eyes for a boyish moment. "yes, of course," the mayfair said, willing this to be a touching day for the both of them. "where were you thinking?"
the man lestan, shelved for a moment.

Reverie could not help but notice Lestan's — malaise? She didn't know. Depression, perhaps, but she would never put that label on him. Never. No one deserved that. So instead she was gentle with him, and tried to understand. But he would not talk to her, she felt. Not about anything that mattered.
Was this how it felt to try and deal with her?
I thought maybe we could choose the place together, She said softly, touching her nose to his cheek. Maybe having a beautiful place to be will - help. You. A soft broaching of the subject, easily sidestepped if that was what he wanted. She didn't want to force it out of him.

lestan was not sure what might help him. there had grown a distinct guilt in him for their disparity of age, accompanied by a strengthening sense of guardianship that did not quite lend itself to romance.
but the mayfair found these sensations impossible to voice, and so he tilted his head, thinking. "east of the creek, i think. there is some flat land. it gets good sun there, too."
reverie; golden fairy. lestan could not reconcile the disconsolate heart with the truest love that beat in him for her.
perhaps the problem was him. he pressed his paw to her own and then set out at an easy clip.

He didn't want to talk about it, then. Reverie could do nothing but smile at his suggestion, resisting the growing tightness in her throat with every ounce of her being. She was uncertain what she might do here. There were so many things they needed to talk about. And she didn't want to force him, but Arric had been right. Not talking was cruel.
She followed him in her own thoughtful silence until it seemed as if they might be nearing the place he'd meant. We need to talk, Reverie said before she could stop herself, and when she turned to him she tried to have nothing but love and concern in her eyes. She tried not to let him see the hurt. But I don't want to force you, so... are you comfortable with talking now?

fool man, fool, fool man; too inside himself to notice, too ignorant of women to understand. and so to his melancholy eyes reverie had no change; he had not even noted her scent, consumed by guilt —
we need to talk.
lestan's brow furrowed; he stopped in their path and peered quizzically at her. had she some inkling of his internal monologue? "what is it?" the man asked softly.

I think I'm pregnant, The words tumbled from her thoughtlessly. I don't know how it happened, but all the signs are there. And you're the only person I've ever been with. Tears threatened her as she spoke, but Reverie held them back through great effort. Arric suggested that I - end it. He wants me to see some healer, Ashlar.
I can tell that you're not happy with me. Would you prefer - do you agree with Arric? Her voice finally broke with the last words, but still she managed not to cry. She was determined not to let Lestan see her break. Somewhere along the way, she'd stopped trusting him with that part of her. The safety he represented now was not one rooted in understanding but in violence, in the blood he'd drawn for her.
And maybe part of her wanted him to know that, because she did not try to hide the fact that she had told Arric before she told him.

wew

lestan did not register anything reverie said at first, not after the word pregnant. her mouth moved; he tried his level best to follow but her voice blurred and blurred until all he could say was, "what?"
of course he knew how such happened! but there was a process to it, a rhyme. reason. a — and none of that had happened, not between them.
guilt poured in him, a tidal wave that choked throat and nostrils. here he had meant to protect reverie and now he had only compromised her in the most selfish of ways. and she, so young. too young for this.
lestan had been selfish.
there was anger in him, irrationally so, that she had gone to arric first. but why not? he was her leader.
"it has nothing to do with you," the mayfair breathed out hoarsely, sitting down, wanting suddenly to snap at reverie for continuing her attempts to internalize his emotions, sensations for which he had no name.
tears formed a lump in his throat. "i don't care what arric wants. i — this has to be your choice. you know i will stay and be their father." did she?

Reverie braced herself for Lestan's reaction, and was grateful that she had. Because it hurt. The negativity rolled off of him in such a way that she felt it like a slap to the face. Suddenly she didn't want to be near him at all; she barely noticed that she was backing away, placing distance between them. She felt dizzy.
He said he would stay, but she did not know if she wanted him to. For a wild moment Reverie wondered what he would say if she told him that she did not want him near their children. If she told him that she was leaving, that she would raise them on her own. But she knew how men reacted to such things, and the prickle of fear that went down her spine made her cast the thought aside.
Reverie wanted to be angry with him. She wanted to blame him, she wanted to leave, she wanted to forget that any of this had happened.
I don't know what to do, Instead she settled for something honest. I - And then she could not stop the honesty. Lestan, I feel very alone.
She would not cry in front of him.

"i know, i know," lestan said breathlessly, looking up toward her at last with eyes that streamed in the same salt. "i have been so inside my own head." too late for apologies but perhaps not an explanation.
her face, stricken in its pristine loveliness. 
his sides heaved. "i was scared. frightened, of tybault. but then not even him. just — if you left overnight, i would not know where you went. where you had gone. i questioned myself. i wondered if i could even be both to you, a protector and a —"
his jawline tensed.
"i am sorry. i didn't know how to speak to you without feeling as if it were blame." an inhale. "i don't want you feel alone, reverie. i want — to do this with you." his voice gathered resolution. "but only if it is what you want. i don't want you to do it for me."

Finally, he spoke to her.
It was too late. And besides, this song was one she'd never wanted to hear from him. He felt that he needed to protect her still; a familiar refrain. The one that had driven her from Tybault in the end. Reverie was tired of explaining herself to men who thought her incapable — but for Lestan, she would try.
If this is going to work, Reverie said as  gently as she could. I need you to see me as an equal. Not someone to protect. I appreciate what you did for me, that night with Tybault, but - Lestan, I was leaving to protect you. Because I know I can take care of myself.
If you hadn't asked me to stay, I was going to leave the Valley, She explained. I was going to see the world, go somewhere Tybault wouldn't be able to find me. But - I chose you instead. And that wasn't easy. I haven't committed to anyone - anything - since Rose died. Not really.
I want you. I want a future with you. A family, even, Reverie felt a little breathless, because she didn't know if that was what she wanted anymore. It was just easier to cling to the last feeling she'd had any certainty about than to face the fact that she did not know. But I only want that if it's going to be - healthy and good for both of us.
And if it couldn't be, then Reverie would leave. She almost told him as much, but decided that it was implied well enough. Misery was not an option. She wouldn't let it be one.

not someone to protect, when reverie was not in her right mind half the time and her murderous brother could be stalking about even now! still lestan nodded, albeit with a numbness that crept into every corner of him.
he was not the one who needed to be protected.
"wanting to take care of you does not mean i don't see you as my equal," he said, but the words felt weak. 
and in reverie's own, he heard that she wished to leave. that he had been her second choice. and that stung, whether or not she meant it, whether or not he truly wanted her to do the things that she wished, outside of him.
"i am afraid you will feel trapped. like you have no choice," the mayfair said in allusion to this potential pregnancy.
he tried to conjure the name she had said, the one arric had given her. lestan would be lying if he said he felt any attachment to new life; he had only just begun to sort his to her, beyond the breathless near feral golding of all his veins when they were near one another. "not being able to — see the world, staying here with me, being — a mother." before she was ready. before she was willing to settle.
the right thing to do, then, was not to run the risk of tying her here to someone who still had not understood.
"ah," and his voice was guttural with misery. "i think — i think this is too fast." if he was overly protective of her now, lestan knew he would be neurotic about children. sorrow cloaked his tongue. "who is ashlar?"

Reverie felt the truth was finally making itself known; this was too fast for him, too much. It was always too much, she felt, but couldn't he see that he had led her into this? All his promises, all his reassurances; every step of the way she had shied from what grew between them, and now that she was finally reaching for it with certainty he had withdrawn.
I wouldn't be choosing this if I felt trapped, She said, but the tears were finally falling now. She didn't want him to see this. It's just that - I never stopped being afraid of losing you. And if I left, then I wouldn't have to. Reverie sucked in a breath, feeling ugly, feeling vulnerable. I'm trying not to run anymore.
Maybe this is too fast, but I don't - I'm not going to run from it, His decision was made; now hers was, too. I'm not going to see Ashlar.

"I am not going anywhere." lestan had not risen, not until this moment: gently he gathered himself to his paws and gazed at reverie. "i don't want to be the reason you don't explore the world."
tybault, lurking outside. he squeezed his eyes shut and then forced out a breath, finding her gaze once more.
once upon a time by the fire lake
but lestan was not ready to tell that story and was not certain he ever would be.
reverie's refusal to see ashlar cemented this for him. "and if i wanted to marry you? to raise them with you?" did she still want that? had she ever? "it is very fast. but it doesn't affect how i feel, so long as it's what you want." after a certain point, there was no ability to change her mind.
lestan did not fear being trapped, he feared her resentment. not today. not tomorrow. but someday, perhaps, he might see in reverie's face the same scorn that had been in the expression above his cradle the day he was born a son and not a witchling daughter.

She could have laughed then, but she didn't. He still didn't understand. He still didn't get it, even after she'd told him in a million different ways.
He could be her world to explore, if only he would let it be so.
Her heart was in her throat as he spoke of marriage. Marriage is forever, she thought, uncertain if her sudden nausea was joy or terror. Forever, forever, forever — and children were too, but not in a way that meant she would have to learn to be a wife. She had been certain that she wanted it once, not very long ago at all. Now she didn't know, not because she doubted her love for Lestan but because she doubted their ability to be happy together. But that wasn't something that would be fixed in a day, or even a week.
And this would not wait.
So she reached for something that she knew to be true. Do you remember when I said that I'd love you forever, if that's what you want? Nearly a whisper, all she could manage through the emotion thick in her throat. She stepped closer, seeking to close the distance between them. Marriage is forever, isn't it? And she smiled then, a raw smile full of a wounded sort of love and a tentative hope.
They hadn't fixed anything, but Reverie couldn't help but reach for the comfort of yet another promise she wouldn't be able to trust.

"yes, yes." of course he did. eagerly, desperately, he came forward, settling his forehead against her own with a low shuddering sigh. "it's forever."
lestan could bear no thought of existence without her, let alone while she carried his children into some unknown future that did not involve him. but that potential mattered less than all the times he felt he had almost lost reverie, including now.
forever felt so short when his heart galloped with such wretched pain and wondrous excitement.
"i want this. and i want you."
and now perhaps they would proceed on equal footing, the way that she wished. he would not cling so much — try, at least.

She shivered at his touch, and felt herself fall to soft trembling pieces as she pressed into his arms. He wanted her still. She did not know if she trusted it, but she knew that she would have to learn how. Especially now, when they had so much more to think about than only each other. Children.
But for now it was only them, in love, hurting but hopeful, willing to try. Then - marry me, Reverie said breathlessly. You're the light in my life, Lestan. Even the sun can't compare. I don't care what the future looks like - as long as you're in it, as long as that's what you want, I know it will be beautiful. In this moment she felt certain that it would all be okay, in time. Surely it would take time. But she could live with that. As long as Lestan was at her side, she would walk even the darkest paths to find the light at the end.

reverie compared him to sun when he felt drowning in shadow. "of course i shall! of course i do, reverie, really and truly — but i wanted to ask you properly."
romantically.
heart galloping; his eyes soft; he kissed one cheek and then the other. "the most beautiful day of my life was the day you entered it."

Ask her properly? Reverie did not know what he meant by that, but then he was speaking sweet words to her, something no one had ever expressed to her before. She started to cry again, but this time it was different. She'd never cried in a good way before. Really? She asked softly, remembering that first day.
I... remember thinking that I could listen to you talk forever, when we first met, Reverie confessed in a whisper. I still feel that way. And she always would, no matter what, even as her love turned with each passing day into something twisted and desperate.

"perhaps now you can!" he exclaimed, lips pressed to her porcelain temple. how lost he might be without her; how shamed he was to have placed so much upon her!
but in this very rightness he meant to grow with reverie, to show her the truth of his wavering tones which he could not now make strong.

Twists the knife a little deeper
LMAO we can probably fade with your next post

Promise? She blinked at him with so much hope in her voice, in her eyes; she couldn't help it. Reverie wanted to believe it this time. Maybe she could. Maybe she would. There was so much still hanging between them, she felt, but one of those things was love. She just hoped that it would remain.

"promise."
and lestan mayfair meant it, insofar as he was able to predict such upon a paltry heart.
a kiss of love for reverie's forehead even whilst his un-keeled belly lurched in fear.