Redsand Canyon I never stay in one place too long

"i do not want you to be a secret." his jaw tensed slightly. "and i will be forced into nothing. i wrote the structure for that."

and he had not married ruenna in romance. but he did not bring her up this time because it did not matter. his wife was gone. he was no longer a husband.

his tones remained sober. they dipped toward neutral as fennec reacted with negativity to what he had always felt was a natural progression of events.

it must remain to this time alone. 

he knew the thought was a lie as soon as it came. they would not capitulate to the law of their own land. why would they not touch each other again?

"are you afraid i would resent you?" germanicus wanted to know and felt he could ask it now that the final boundary between them both had been broken.

It was refreshing that he cut immediately to the root of her insecurity - so much so that she barely noticed it at first. I'm not afraid. I'm sure of it. Germanicus could say whatever he wanted right now but she'd learned, from experience, that wouldn't mean anything. Maybe even only a year from now he'd be weaponizing their marriage against her, leaving her wondering what the fuck she'd done to deserve it when all she'd done is love him.

But she didn't love him. She wasn't sure it would make a difference in the end. I've had a loveless marriage. It was worse than no marriage at all. She didn't owe him the details and wouldn't share them. But there was no way in hell she'd willingly repeat those mistakes.

fennec did not know him.

germanicus felt himself rising with a purely masculine indignation. it flared in his eyes and then was gone.

he would let it be.

he wanted to let it be. but what he said was: "i did not marry for love before. i will not again. it is a poor reason to bind yourself to another individual."

he stood. desire pulsed through his veins at a glance toward fennec. but he quickly set about sundering that. it must not happen more than this time. "will you finish this patrol with me?" it was necessary after all, but they had been so intimately connected that seeking an immediate breakage from one another would be understandable.

Fennec didn't understand it. If they don't mean anything to you, then it means nothing anyway. He didn't care about what I needed. Why would I trust you to be any different? The question was welcome to be rhetorical, but a part of her wished for an answer she could believe. She didn't know him at all - but she was so fucking lonely. His offer was more tempting than she liked simply because it was an offer to share in something again.

She didn't want to patrol with him, but stubbornly, she had been walking the borders already. She wouldn't leave just to avoid his presence. Yes sir. A slight lilt to it, but she'd keep the nettling to a minimum for the rest of their time. She wasn't all that in the mood for it anymore.

"love is something that grows when it is fed."

ruenna had done that for him each day of their lives together. and germanicus had sought the same service to her. he found a deep blackened pool of hurt inside himself that she had not promised to return. 

"marriage is supported by practical compatibility. a shared vision of the future. alignment on things such as children and a surname. there is not an absence of care. there is simply not a prioritization of the fanciful."

this bond was meant to be something you entered with no pretense that you might receive a fairy-tale from your spouse. they had built a home and she had bound their union with children. it seemed straightforward to germanicus.

"discomfort is bred when these compatibilities change without warning. that is when a marriage ends."

You really think you have it figured out, don't you? He spoke with so much confidence that it was fascinating. Millions of broken hearts, but here was some random guy with all of the answers. Fennec made a sound of amused disbelief.

Marriages end when you stop trying. You get tired of them, they piss you off, and you stop communicating. You give up. You talk a lot about work. What makes the work worth it, if you don't start with something? You'd be tired of me in a week. Fennec laughed.

If you want to prove me wrong, then do it. Otherwise I'm sure you'll find someone more compatible eventually.

She didn't think he'd manage it, but she couldn't bring herself to shut him down completely. It might be fun to see if he'd attempt to prove he gave a damn. Otherwise there really wasn't anything worth losing - if he folded immediately she was simply back where she started.

the imperator was silent for some time after fennec finished speaking. he did not look toward her when he did have an rejoinder prepared.

"i only know what worked in my life. i have no answers beyond that. but i do not share your experience of marriage and i believe it is because i never expected her to reward my efforts with love." 

and nor had he expected to love her. or to grieve her loss so thoroughly it was almost as if she had died.

fennec wanted germanicus to prove himself, even while denying that such a commitment was possible. it was his turn to grunt a soft sound of amusement. "do you desire children in the springtime? i do."

and so he laid the first test of compatibility.

His views of marriage made no sense to her. Why would he enter one if not for love? Solely for children? At one time that would have been her nightmare - and it was also her largest suspicion towards Bronco. That he'd used her to get Killdeer and then decided he had gotten what he wanted.

His next statement just confirmed this is was probably his first reason. She wasn't sure how to feel about it, so decided to cut to the chase.

Yes, but it isn't a necessity for me. There's more important things. She tracked his movement as they walked, following so as not to need to focus so much on their surroundings. It was nice to have someone there to use in this way - she'd grown used to walking the borders alone.

Trust, for one. And physical contact. It doesn't always have to be... that. But it's important to me. Obviously those two were foremost on her mind. But it was apparent to her that this conversation, right here, was already more honest and open than any she'd had before. Germanicus wasn't the most romantic of souls, but he was blunt as hell. She could respect that.

his mouth twitched. that was more than doable. but fennec desired the mundane. the constant closeness. and it was not compatible, that word once more, with the reality of mereo: that he was gone long hours and would be taking organized trips further from home now that the younger soldiers were old enough to march.

"i am not a romantic, lady fennec." it was perhaps one of the largest failings when it came to his interactions with the other sex. "but i do not insist upon the absence of touch." there was nothing else to say on that front. physical contact was not a language he spoke often or sought. it was her own language.

but neither was he opposed to linguistics. he had given ruenna many massages for her pain in the privacy of their own home. he simply did not fawn upon her in public.

"trust. do you mean in terms of fidelity?" before they expanded upon that the tactician sought this piece of information. and after a pause he asked, "what are your thoughts on choosing a surname? roman women append caeso- before whatever that name might be." and he wanted the formality. that was a necessity to him for it was a name passed down.

I mean trust as in we don't keep secrets. Not when it's important, or when it involves each other. This was maybe her biggest one. Secrets, and hidden resentments, were the swiftest death to a relationship. She didn't care if he was romantic. If he was going to use her for heirs, then she'd use him for the things she needed. Security on the nights he was there and affection when she felt alone might be enough. If she was willing to consider this entire ridiculous thing.

If you mean the kids, they could take whatever name you prefer. If you mean my name, I'd keep Redhawk. She didn't know what he meant by Roman women, or why she'd append anything to a surname of her own choosing. From her experience she either kept her own or took his - and keeping her own had been the right move so far. She didn't care what the kids called themselves, but she wondered if he would press her to compromise.

germanicus had become a redsand for ruenna but was unwilling to become a redhawk in this hypothetical. it felt too much like a capitulation to the way that towhee had chosen to leave.

and that was unfair. it demanded to be untangled. but it was not the time for it. 

he noticed that she had gone from denying the children as a necessity to discussing their future existence.

germanicus found her willingness to be objective an appealing trait.

"i have nothing to hide from a wife. the only thing i will not discuss are certain things to do with the military. if there was ever danger, she should have plausible deniability."

their path was beginning to slant back toward the commons. he slowed into a less businesslike pace. "do you accept we do not love each other? that i am grieving the end of my marriage and the loss of my wife. and that this is likely to continue for some time?" he remained conversational, if guarded now. 

this was the correct thing to do. no secrets. he would not hide his misery from her. she had seen it after all and had meant to hurt him with it. let fennec see it now. his yellowpaint eyes roved to her face.

I'm not interested in plausible deniability. If I'm responsible for their future, and my family is here, then I won't be kept from defending it. She hadn't sought the opportunity to prove herself thus far but if they were discussing this, truly discussing it, then now was probably the time. She couldn't remain directionless if she tied herself down. Leaving wouldn't be an option if she agreed.

I meant it when I said I wasn't sure it exists. So I'm fine accepting it's something we won't have. She wasn't sure it would last. She wasn't sure what the fuck she was getting herself into. But at some undetermined point her No had become a yes, and suddenly, it seemed he had managed to talk her into it. She would let him mourn his marriage. Maybe she could even help him get past it. But she wouldn't expect love only to be disappointed.

"i would not keep you from defense. the delineation of what i can say to a soldier and to a wife is separate to guard the movements of troops. part of keeping children from harm, for instance, is not allowing the routes to safe-houses to be widely known."

but he spoke simply enough to suggest that he would expand more upon it. fennec had her own training and a specialty. he did not know why why she remained as a plebian, even long before this conversation.

there was another silence.

"nothing of this matters unless we go into it with willingness." that too was a murderer of many things: the initial reluctance becoming more. "there is no ceremony. we choose a den and that is it. i granted my former quarters to the matrona." difficult as it had been to do, even if she decided she did not want it, germanicus would not go back to those rooms.

no had become yes. and he was standing on the threshold of marriage once more.

this was a comfort to him where he had thought it might only bring dread.

I'll be a soldier and a wife then. Until you find me a rank better suited. She caught his meaning, but wanted to be sure hers was also clear. Defense wasn't all she intended. If the pack moved to battle, she sure as shit wasn't staying behind. Maybe if she was pregnant, but even then.... maybe. She wouldn't be sidelined if she chose to step up.

They were doing this. Were they really doing this? She deliberated a moment, then decided.

Fuck it. She had one failed marriage behind her so far. Could this one be any worse? I think we have a deal, then. I haven't been sleeping in a den. So where we go I'll leave up to you. Clearly he wanted to start over, and as someone with her own baggage, she could understand it. There was a reason she'd chosen not to enter the dens alone. If she was sleeping by herself, she preferred the open air, even if she had to keep an ear open all night long. She'd welcome a good nights sleep when this was said and done.

sorry for grainy photo! i can start them a new thread tomorrow (backdated) or u can! but i think this will be his last post in this most entirely epic and unexpected thread <33

it was settled. it had taken several sorts of effort, including the more exhilarating part which now he could revisit with his —

wife.

"i will rank you as an principales then." germanicus was suddenly and unexpectedly nervous. "i too have been sleeping out-of-doors."

he cleared his throat. "there is a place in the forest." he described its location briefly, in the woodland beyond the sparring arena, delivering her precise distances.

"if it is to your liking then i will meet with you tonight there. if it is not we will look tomorrow." the imperator felt accomplished. he wanted to be married. and with some semblance of internal security regained, he stood taller.

the eagle leaned forward to pluck a tuft of his own hair from her coat. "perhaps we should wash." or maybe it was not necessary. "i must meet the crown prince for today's lesson." 

wife.

the pain seemed compounded, refiltered through fennec as a lens. he dipped his head and made as if to step away. and then as if remembering germanicus returned and sheepishly delivered a kiss to her cheek with a tentativeness that denied how he had been earlier.

then the man was off, and some part of the dour dark cloud towhee had once sensed about him had dissipated.

He was stiff and so entirely unlike either of the men she'd danced around before. Maybe that's why she gave him this chance. Or maybe she was just tired of spinning in place.

She would find the place, but she liked that he chose the forest. Either he happened to share her taste or he'd been paying more attention than she realized. She had nothing but his word now to tie them together, but it was somehow more than she'd had with anyone else.

Tonight, then. She stood, then paused as he reached out and delivered a kiss with a surprising amount of hesitance. It was almost cute. Fennec returned the favor by pressing her forehead, almost catlike, to his flank. I'll meet you then, husband.

He wasn't what she expected and she knew he had no idea who she was - or what he was getting. Still, she felt a bit lighter too, and for the first time in a long time, she didn't dread that night. It was something.