Redhawk Caldera What if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do?

Something had occurred to Fennec over the last few days. She'd taken to exploring the northeast, but the time alone left her a lot of time to think. The more she did, the more she came to realize how much bullshit this entire thing was.

She was afraid to face him. She'd been letting that fear control her for months because she didn't trust herself to deal with even hearing his fucking voice. Despite that, he hung around, a constant presence that seemed to drag her beneath the surface again and again.

Maybe space wasn't what she needed. Maybe she didn't need to avoid him, or hate him, or have him back. Maybe the thing she needed more than anything else was just closure. She needed to talk with him and move on, both for her own sake and for the sake of their son. She wanted to be able to say his name around Killdeer without feeling as if she'd fall apart.

It was long overdue. Fennec didn't hesitate as she finally approached the borders of Brecheliant and sent up a call for @Bronco. It was easier if she didn't think and instead put all of her focus into action. No chance to stop, no chance to second guess, and no chance to back out now.

When Fennec's call came, Bronco had been playing with one of the kids, and had made a total state of his fur in the process. It wasn't entirely necessary that he get his fur all full of mud every time he pretended to be "Broncosaurus" but the kids seemed to like having someone around who regularly encouraged them to get filthy while playing. 

Her voice took him by surprise. He hadn't been expecting her to call on him...But maybe she'd found the feather he'd left at her garden...And maybe she was here to tell him to back the fuck off, and give her her space. He'd earned it. He apologized and excused himself from the game to lope toward the borders. He gave his coat a good shake before he made his way down the slope, but the majority of the dirt had dried to a fairly thorough coat of dust. 

He wondered if she was here for Killdeer; maybe he was being sent away on another mission? He hastened his pace, but couldn't just barrel down the slope the way he used to, not anymore. He was somewhat out of breath when he reached her. 

"Fenn" He puffed. "Sorry, I'm a total mess," He said. He likely smelled very strongly of lake mud. If something was really wrong, he thought she might look more upset...But then again, she was kind of hard to read, even at the best of times. "How are, uh, how's...How's things?" He asked. He didn't want to ask straight up if something was wrong, but at the same time- he wanted to know.

She could do this. She didn't have a choice, it felt, if she wanted to actually get beyond everything that had happened. They were in two different spaces and it had occurred to her, just yesterday, that he might be unaware of it.

Killdeer is fine. She hadn't told him she was coming here. Fennec couldn't have had this conversation with him nearby and whatever issues they had, she wanted to keep it between them.

I needed to talk to you. I want it to be clear where we stand. I can't just be friends with you, Bronco. Not yet, and I don't know if or when I will be able to. So I need you to stop trying. She thought she might get angry but instead, all the words did was make her feel relieved. She hadn't realized how badly she needed to get that off of her chest.

Maybe you're ready to be past all of this, but I'm not. I can't act like I'm okay with it either. I can deal with you coming to see Killdeer, and I can deal with you being here. I just can't deal with you trying to make up, or fix it, or whatever else you might be thinking. I'm not okay and I don't know if I ever will be.

It was nice, not being able to see him, because she could try and pretend he wasn't there. It was ruined of course by the fact that she could hear him clearly, but it really helped her to stay level that she couldn't see his face.

Blunt honesty was always a specialty of hers. It was probably time to inject a bit of that in her personal life too.

Disappointment hit when she assumed he was only asking about Killdeer. She wasn't wrong- Killdeer was possibly their only shared connection now. Their last conversation had only happened because he'd gone to visit with their son, and Fennec had chosen to reply to him. It'd fed him a bit of hope, even though he wasn't sure he wanted it, or deserved it. The feather he'd left, in her garden...Apparently, that was a step too far. 

But for whatever reason, he felt attacked. It felt like she was going well out of her way to push him back, and he didn't like the way that it felt. Nevertheless, he let her finish speaking, silently biting his lip in order to do so. He exhaled softly, and kept his tone as even as he could when he replied.

"You make it seem like I've been suffocating you when you talk like that. I'll stay away from your garden if that's what you really came to say, but Fennec, you chose to answer me, when I went to visit Killdeer. Your garden? Right next to my pack's borders. I went there to hunt, not to see if you were still hanging around there. I think...You're projecting something on to me, an' I don't like it." She wasn't entirely wrong in coming to re-establish boundaries, but it hurt, and he couldn't just let her throw her feelings down without knowing how it made him feel as well. He could, but he wouldn't. She'd triggered his spite, and he was his mother's son, after all. "Did you come all this way just to tell me to keep...Doing what I'm doing, or did you just come here to make sure I knew you're not OK?'

Oh god. She was already getting upset. He was really doing it again, with this.

I came here because I wanted you to know how I felt. Because we used to be friends, Bronco, and because maybe I figured you'd care to know. I forgot - that's selfish, to you, isn't it? She didn't come here to cut into him or to fight. He just had this perfect way of twisting everything she did. The situation took her instantly back.

Her tone was level but there was an unmistakeable bite behind the last statement. He was doing the opposite of suffocating... and as a result, she was the one stringing herself along. Being honest with him was the only way she could be honest with herself.

That's all I came to say. So I guess now you don't have to put up with any more of it. She was leaving. She already knew, at this point, there were few things she could do he would like. But she didn't come there for him.

He was getting confused and frustrated. When she suggested what he thought, he shrugged. "It's not selfish, I'm just confused, OK?" He said paused. "You were already getting what you came here to ask for. If you come here, an' tell me you can deal with how things are, but then tell me you're not dealing with it and that you're not OK...Do you see why this is frustrating?" He asked. He wasn't hopeful she'd be empathetic, so perhaps the question was rhetorical. 

"When I go visit Killdeer, I'm not going to visit you to try an' be friends, I'm going there to see my son. If you read into the like...6 words we shared the last time I visited- a conversation you started- an' think I'm gonna start pushing things, you're wrong. I'm just trying to keep things civil at least, for Killdeer's sake." 

It was funny, how quickly talking to her in person reminded him that they really didn't work together. Time and distance had made him wonder if they could work things out, but...This was a crash course in reality, and it was rough. But if anything, it gave him more clarity, and a reminder of the struggles they'd gone through before, continuously. 

"I want you to be OK. I also want to be OK. I think we can agree that we both do better, apart so...Yeah." He shrugged and sighed.

No. You weren't just confused. She wasn't going to let him turn her into the unreasonable one. Not without setting the record straight, the way she heard it, even this one last time. I came here to tell you how I felt and how I need things to be. And you chose to take it as some kind of personal attack on you. Because that's how you always take it. You can never just assume that I don't want to hurt you, or just fucking ask like a normal person would.

That was essentially what had doomed them, in her opinion. He might have had faith in her at one point, but it was a little cathartic to find that it was still gone. There really wasn't anything to salvage here.

I know you don't give a shit, but you could at least have the decency to be honest. You know that you didn't need to ask how I was. And you know what those feathers were. It was like she was hearing him for the first time. She'd been too emotional in previous fights to notice, but in this one, her anger brought a weird kind of clarity. He was pinning everything on her so effortlessly. This isn't a case of 'we do better apart'. This is a case of you saying you care about me, then treating me like shit because you don't like when I have feelings.

Her voice was ice. She'd expected this visit to lay the groundwork for leaving what they had behind, letting her at least travel and have him show up without fearing to face him. She didn't expect it to burn the entire thing to ashes in a single exchange. Absence did not, apparently, make the heart grow 'fonder'.

Fire wouldn't fight fire, it would only feed it. The worst in Bronco came out when these conversations happened, and it felt like this was the only language they knew how to speak. The only thing they could create was toxicity, and it grew like a hungry weed the more they tried to explain how those weeds were choking them both. He fumed; he could throw words back and forth with her for hours, but he was tired of it. He just wanted it to be over, so he stayed quiet. 

He wanted to scream at her, but he didn't. That would just egg her on, and he figured the best way to get it over with, and get her to leave, was to give her whatever it was that she wanted. Of course, he wasn't sure what that was, exactly, but he figured if he just agreed with her, that'd be enough, but that was easier said than done. And her read on him was intended to wound. He had things to say back to her, and hated the thought that she might leave, feeling as though she'd won. He wanted her to feel bad, now. He wanted her to leave in tears. He made his move.

"Fennec, I'm still in love with you." His words were too articulate, his tone too even. He didn't move, he barely breathed; it was his way of glaring at her in a way he knew she would notice. "Those feathers are a proposal. I long for you. Come back to me, bully me into marrying you again, please." If she was bluffing at all, he wanted to out her.

There it was. The big lie. Fennec just stood there for a moment, shocked into silence by the sheer audacity of the moment. A few months ago it might have worked. She might have even asked for him back.

She'd insulted him, but in all of their fights, she'd never treated him the way he was treating her now. He used to get angry at her for walking away but she knew by now that he just wasn't emotionally mature enough to understand. Sometimes walking away was the healthy thing to do. Now they had this instead.

Fuck you. She didn't know if she'd ever been this angry. In that moment she hated him, completely and fully. You never loved me. You were just too much of a coward to admit it. She was more convinced than ever now. He'd pushed her away so that she'd be forced to do what he couldn't. Go to hell. She spun on her heel and stalked away without sparing a single glance back. If he said anything she'd ignore it.

It was over. In an instant any love, any desire, any longing for the friendship they had before was eliminated. He'd somehow managed to convince her, back then, that he was someone decent. Someone warm, caring, and capable of love. It was the biggest lie of them all.

He rolled his eyes, and smirked lightly, relieved that she didn't turn the heat back on him. It didn't surprise him that she thought he'd never loved her- she'd seemed unsatisfied with the gestures and lengths he went to to court her, and make their relationship work. But their affection for each other would exist on different ships, passing in the dark. The only real connection nothing more than a flicker, a coincidental synchronization of blinking lights. 

It didn't hurt him to hear those words. The only thing that momentarily moved him was the realization that he was relieved to see her turn and walk away. And then he turned, and did the same.