Swiftcurrent Creek [m] When I see stars, that's all they are

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Bit of pp to start us off, let me know if it isn't okay!

It was still subtle enough that Reverie was certain no one else had noticed yet, but daily she was coming closer to the realization that whatever was happening to her body was not going to stop. It was beginning to... hurt. The lowest part of her belly was starting to ache as it swelled. Though, at this point, the aching was more pronounced than the swelling.
It came in waves. Reverie was uncertain whether there was anything she might take for it, not without causing harm to herself or — no. No, she wouldn't think of that yet. She paced through Swiftcurrent Creek, having left Lestan with the excuse of finding herbs for Jakoul. She was looking for herbs, but for herself this time. Scouring the Creek for what few signs of life it held as the snows began to melt, and casting aside each thing she found because she did not know what was safe. She didn't expect to run into @Arric, of all people; Arric, who she had resolved to avoid because she realized she could not bring herself to speak to Lestan about... anything, really.
Oh! Arric! Hi! Reverie said a little breathlessly as another wave of cramping pain swept through her. How are you?

Arric had not noticed the changes in Reverie, but he had noticed the avoidance. And honestly it amused him slightly. Only because he couldn't quite understand what type of she wolf she was. He truly didn't understand her, and that fascinated him a bit.

He heard the calla nd the overly bright voice and swung around with an amused look on his face. He tilted his head forward. 

Done avoiding me now? Or was it too late?

There was a gentle tease there, but he also wanted her to realize he noticed. 

I'm alright.

Her ears fell at his greeting. I'm sorry, Reverie said softly, uncertain how to explain herself. I've been - busy, helping Jakoul and... trying to focus on Lestan. It was the truth, but only half of it. She could have found time for Arric, if she really meant to. Honestly, she could have found time for any of them. It was just easier to stick to what she knew: bruising herself against the walls of someone else's unhappiness.
I'll try to come see you more often, She resolved in the next moment. Arric had been kind to her when she'd broken down and cried at him about all her woes. It was important that she remembered that.

He smiled at her with kindness. You don't need to apologize. Just stop running from things that make you uncomfortable. You'll never grow into who you want to be that way.

He knew why she had avoided him. She avoided any and all problems, or tried too. She was trying to do better. She needed to do better or she wouldn't heal. 

Now can I help you out with anything today? Doing okay? The shifted his weight and leaned back, comfortable in his own skin and in the moment.

Stop running. But she had! Reverie wanted fiercely to argue, to tell Arric about all of the progress she'd made. For a moment she managed to stop herself. Then she thought of Lestan, and could not hold it in any longer.
I've tried to stop running, It came out quiet, because Reverie hated to disagree with anyone. I mean - I have stopped! I've never stayed in one place before, the way I've stayed here. That counts, doesn't it? She thought so, at least. But no one else seemed to.

he smiled at her with gentle knowing and kindness. You have stopped running physically and don't discount what I have seen. You have done well in teh brief time you've been here, but you still run when the emotions get too hard. Maybe not physically away, but inward. You turn inward or avoid.

Arric sighed and moved closer to nudge her shoulder and then back up. Reverie I mean no offense by what I say. And i Know that it seems as if I am criticizing and i'm not I promise. I just want you to be healthy and happy and able to speak of things that bother you freely. Not run or hide from them.

She wanted to argue further, but she couldn't. Arric was right. Reverie sighed softly, resigned to the truth of his words. I understand, She said. I'm sorry, I know you're trying to help. Just like everyone else tried to help. They all meant well, she knew, but Reverie sometimes felt suffocated under good intentions.
There is something I should... talk to someone about, She said, trying to show that she was making an effort. Reverie wasn't quite ready for this conversation, but it wasn't going to wait. The way things were going, she had perhaps a week or two before the changes became apparent to everyone. Before Lestan noticed. And she wanted to get ahead of that. But it's kind of weird.

Arric dropped the conversation then. CLearly she understood and Reverie was not someone you pushed. So he tightened his mouth and waited. There wasn't much  he could do to make her listen more than he already had.

Why is it weird? Arric settled to his haunches now. Curious and a little wary. He wasn't sure where this was going or what it was going to be about, but it was definitely going to be something. He imagined this had something to do with Lestan.

For once, it did not have to do with Lestan except indirectly. Arric, do you think I smell different? She asked hesitantly, knowing the answer to the question. It was barely detectable at this point, so she stepped closer to let him take in her scent. Assuming he did, she continued.
I've been gaining weight, too. And I keep throwing up, and - other things, Reverie was frowning now. It doesn't make any sense. I can't be - She couldn't make herself say it. It's just not possible. And that was what had her worried. If she knew that this was normal, maybe she could put aside her anxiety and be happy about it. But it wasn't normal. It could never just be something normal.

He gave a cursory sniff and there was something different about her, but he didn't know what it was. He frowned in thought. Oh jumping Jehoshaphat....he froze unsure what to even say. He knew what she was asking and saying, but surely. Well she had the talk, the big one right? Like she knew how babies were made. She had to right. She was a healer for goodness sake. 

But he bit the proverbial bullet and spoke. Did you go into heat? And have relations during it?

Reverie shook her head a little desperately. I don't think so! She said, though she would not have known her own heat if it slapped her in the face, truly. She frowned more deeply than ever, obviously distressed and uncomfortable as she added, I haven't - well, Lestan is the only one I've ever -
Blushing furiously, she stopped and took in a breath. He hasn't noticed, And for that she was thankful. I don't know what I'll tell him, when he does. What if he thought she had been with someone else?

Arric smiled at her softly, sadly. Rev that's the only way you can be pregnant. Is if you were in heat when you had relations with Lestan.

Why would you need to tell him anything? If you are then he needs to man up and help you take care of them. Especially since he was the only. Unless you think he would think there's other.s In that case just tell him there wasn't.

Arric looked her over. I understand this is a big change and your pretty scared. I wish I had more answers for you.

Rev rn

I'm too young, she wanted to assert, but now that Arric knew it all felt very real. Could she truly be pregnant? Man up and take care of them, he said, and Reverie started to tremble. She did not want to suffer as Jakoul had. She did not want Lestan to see her that way. Surely he would not want her anymore.
And above all else, she did not want to have his children. I'm not ready, Reverie said, though she was certain that was obvious. And I don't know what I'll do if Lestan thinks I was with someone else. I'll tell him otherwise. I just hate to think that he might doubt me.

poor girl. I thought about Arric saying about her age or false pregnancies, but I don't know if realistically he'd know any of that.

Arric didn't know how old she was, but he wrongly assumed if she's out gallavanting with Lestan shes old enough to get pregnant during heat. Though honestly he didn't recall her scent mixed with Jakouls. But also she wasn't living with them yet, simply visiting.

He studied her and then nodded. Well theres herbs to make it uh go away, but I don't know them. I do however know a healer away from here that may know them? We can go and tell everyone I'm teaching you to be a scout.

The heaviness of what he was offering settled deep in his chest like a burr. He had no problem with the act, but the assumptions that would be made and the secret that was now his to bear. It flayed at his soul like claws. But he'd do it.

Mature Content Warning

This thread has been marked as mature. By reading and/or participating in this thread, you acknowledge that you are of age or have permission from your parents to do so.

The participants have indicated the following reason(s) for this warning: Discussion of abortion!

Don't worry, I have some tentative ideas depending on IC events.. Rev will be fiiiiine

Reverie knew what abortion was. She knew what Arric was suggesting. Somehow it had not seemed like an option until he said it, though, and when he did she was suddenly horrified with the possibility. As a healer it had once been her duty to avoid judging things like this. It was a patient's right to decide what would happen with their own body, always. If someone else had asked for this, she would not have thought twice about it.
But for herself?
If she was carrying Lestan's children, could she just... discard them? Reverie thought of Jakoul's children and how impossibly tiny and fragile and beautiful they had been. She thought of what that might look like for her. Children with golden fur and dual-colored eyes. Would Lestan hate her if she tried to take this decision from him too?
I don't know, Reverie fought the urge to cry, and found herself surprisingly calm about it all. Deeply unhappy, but not as panicked as she might have assumed. I feel like I need more time to figure this out, but soon it will be obvious, maybe in a week or two. And then it will be too late. What she needed was to talk to Lestan about it, but she knew that she would not. She would keep it from him until he noticed, and even then it would be a struggle to discuss it.
Reverie shook her head slightly. It would be easier to leave. No one would ever have to know. But she didn't really mean it. It was just so tempting.

Mature Content Warning

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He's really not being mean I promise. He's just genuinely concerned.

Arric had been trying to be a gentle as possible and not outright say what was on his mind. All he could do was study her. This girl was absolutely damaged. Holy shit. And he had no idea how to fix it, but he also knew she was sweet and worth helping. Just the how too was eluding him.

Arric finally was just blunt as hell like he was with Akavir. 

Reverie. I'm not being cruel and offensive and I want you to know I care deeply which is why I'm about to say this straight.

You come amd say you want to do better and you're trying you are. But your first response is to always fucking run. Or do whatever anyone else wants. Honestly, when the fuck are you gonna get mad, hmm? When are you finally gonna be enough! Because if you're not careful it's gonna sneak up on you and destroy you.

You need to stop making yourself small to fit into everyone else's ideals. You don't want the kids or you do. Take some time obviously because it's a big step. But don't worry what Lestan will think or anyone else at first. What do you want, because frankly it's your body, your mind, and if Lestan bows out your responsibility. Which i doubt he would but you get what I'm saying? And then when you figure out what you want. You absofuckinglutely need to talk to him and then take what you both want and figure it out. This not talking you do is bullshit and cruel.

Is it scary, fuck yea. Is it a lot, hell yea. But it's something you gotta do. No more running, even figuratively

Hey even if he was being mean... IC ≠ OOC!

At first, all Reverie could focus on was the fact that he had cursed at her. She might have made a big deal of it under any other circumstance. But there was so much more to what he was saying than just that, and... well, it wasn't what she wanted to hear. None of it was.
What was the appropriate reaction to having the worst parts of you thoroughly dissected and laid out as a series of problems to be solved? Reverie was uncertain. It hurt to hear these things, yet she could not help but note the fact that Arric saw the ugliest parts of her and still wanted to help. And there was value in the advice he offered; she knew she could not run from her own body.
I'm not going to leave, Reverie said first, because it felt important to clarify that. I don't know if I want kids. But I'll... figure it out. I guess I have to. But Reverie could not shake the feeling that something was wrong here, wrong inside of her. I know I can't run from this.
She finally started to cry, but the tears were slow and quiet. I'm trying to stay calm and figure out what's best, Reverie felt herself dissolving into emotional nonsense, but only a little. But I'm getting fat and it hurts and - that's bullshit! She was a little shocked with herself. She meant it, though.

Arric was a curser, he had always been. So was his dad on his best day and his worst. It was how he got his point across.

Arric wasn't trying to be cruel. He really wasn't. But she needed to get herself together. Especially if she was indeed pregnant. The kids would be damaged a little bit too.

He nodded his head at her with a small smile. good we like having you.

He looked her over. My friend Ashlar. Is a medic. He maybe ablet o tell you something else too. Like maybe it would be good to be checked over?

He didn't want her to push something away if she felt wrong. Like if something was wrong with her body, and she knew it. It would be good to make sure she was alright. 

He moved forward with gentle steps. Rev do you want a hug? It is bullshit.

Was that true? Did they really like having her here? Reverie was uncertain. Hers was not a particularly productive or positive presence, she knew that. Arric spoke of someone named Ashlar, and Reverie paused at the mention. I'll think about it, Was all she could promise. Reverie did not trust other healers, not after what her parents had put her through. She wanted to deal with this herself.
No more random herbs. No more strange treatments. Not for anything.
A hug would be nice, She admitted, and stepped forward to take him up on the offer. Maybe we could talk about something happy, for once. Reverie suggested into his fur, and by the time the hug ended and she stepped back she had already thought of something.
I've been thinking about ways to lift everyone's spirits. Jakoul was talking about songs and stories and food. And did you know that Moss's favorite food is venison? Swiftcurrent Creek was such a quiet place, Reverie could not help but want to brighten it. Maybe we could... have a night together for everyone with all of those things, when your children are a little older - so Jakoul can come too!

Arric certainly liked having her. He knew Akavir didn't trust her, but he liked her. There was a difference between the two.

He's a good guy. A little backward and shy. But a helluva a  good healer. He's pretty too.

Arric winked at her at that and shifted his body so that he could accomodate the hug, she agreed too.

He listened closely a small smile on his face. She knew more about everyone than he did. And he was the beta. That probably wasn't a good thing, not really. It was actually sort of humbling, proof that he didn't have the wolf skills he thought he did.

Arric chuckled. Whoa whoa. Those babies aren't mine. They're all Akavir's had she asked me too, sure i would have been fine with offering myself, sharing, but she didn't.

He held up a paw. As for your idea. I think it has some merit and it would be nice to get everything together. I'll run it by Akavir.

Reverie was what you might call a people person. What she did was not nurturing so much as fawning, but nonetheless she relentlessly orbited those she knew and cared for. Despite her reservations and her resentments, all of Swiftcurrent Creek was gradually falling into that category.
When Arric called Ashlar pretty, all she could do was blush and think I bet he's not as pretty as Lestan. But that thought was swept away by her surprise. Her ears pulled forward, and confusion twisted her expression. What? But Lestan said - Reverie cut herself off. Well, I guess he was wrong. It doesn't matter anyway. Neither of you were there with her for it regardless. But she didn't dare say it, nor let it creep into her tone or her eyes. She would guard that closely.
Maybe we can plan it for a full moon, Reverie continued, determined to focus on something positive. That's when it's best for rain, you know. Not that they would be summoning rain. But Reverie certainly wouldn't complain if it came to them anyway. She loved the rain, and would never have understood what it meant to rain on someone's parade. No parade was complete without rain in her world.

Arric was a talkative wolf, but he also guarded his silence well. He stuck to himself. A habit he had yet to break from year as a lone wolf. Arric could agree that LEstan was pretty. But Ashlar was another level of pretty. Delicate and soft, with the warm eyes. Yep he was cute.

Now see I told Akavir to be careful how he handled things. I don't think neither one of us would care about sharing with the other, but Jakoul only wants Akavir. I was actually surprised she didn't call for him when the precious bundles were born. I figured she wouldn't call me, cause well a lot of woman don't like men in the birth dens, especially those that aren't daddy's.

Full moon's are special in their own ways. I can get behind it.

Reverie sobered slightly to think of her experience with Jakoul. I was there, She admitted, uncertain whether Arric knew this already. Just in case anything went wrong. My father was a midwife, and he trained me as a healer before I - quit. For a moment she thought about telling Arric how terrible it had been, but something stopped her. It felt like something that should be kept away from men, somehow.
What do you like about full moons, Arric? Reverie decided to ask instead. Something pleasant. Something lighthearted. Maybe she would learn something from him!

]

Arric tilted and ear forward, but she was not further forthcoming. So he dropped it. That seemed to be a thing that only be shared with those who needed to know anyway. He was not about finding all the quick and dirty details about something as harrowing as birth. It couldn't be easy. And he had high respect for any that did it.

They're illuminating. They have a way of making everything new and fresh. And I always feel pretty good with full moons. I can meditate well under them. Peaceful.

Peaceful. She'd never thought of it that way. Full moons were a time of movement and energy back when she'd lived among family. In The Gilded Sea, we danced all night every full moon. The raindancers did, anyway, She explained a little shyly. When I say all night, I really mean all night. Sunset to sunrise, unless the rains came sooner. Then we could rest.
Those moments were peaceful, but it was usually morning, when the sun first starts to come out. The rain always started light, almost warm, Reverie let out a little sigh as she reminisced. It made my fur into a frizzy mess. Especially after dancing all night!