Swiftcurrent Creek [m] Fallen to her knees, but you couldn't ever tell

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The participants have indicated the following reason(s) for this warning: Suicidal ideation

Reverie sought @Arric today, intent on learning the secret to meditation. She had tried it on her own, but — well, it was difficult to clear her mind. More than difficult. Every time she thought she had it down, an errant thought would slip through the cracks and she would spiral all over again. Her efforts left her in a strange and vulnerable state; caught off-guard by her own anxious thoughts.
She really wanted this to work, though. If it was helpful for Arric, maybe it could be helpful for her too. And Reverie was quite determined to at least make progress toward getting better. To prove Tybault wrong, if nothing else.

Arric was nose deep into a nearby bush, ass in the air. He had smelled something interesting and was rooting for it. When he heard a noise nearby. Like the absolute nerd that he was rather than lift his head, he went downwards and tried to look through his legs to see what or who was coming. An upside down smile.

Heya Rev. He righted himself and turned with a woof.

Arric! She laughed softly to see his upside-down smile, but even her amusement was strained. Reverie was deeply worried. I've been trying to meditate and - I can't get it right. I can't get anything right lately. She was frowning now, spiraling into insecurities aloud. I can't dance, and I think I'm making Lestan unhappy, and -
Reverie cut herself off and sucked in a breath. Sorry. I - I just - can you help me? With meditation, not dancing or Lestan. No one could help with those two things anyway. That was up to her. Reverie was certain she was messing it up, all of it — and that was particularly discouraging, because she'd thought she was doing good.
Better apparently did not mean good.

He grinned harder, but a frown replaced his smile as he heard the distress in her voice. He blinked and quickly stopped to listen.

Well as for your dancing, sometimes it's had to do things we love, when we are upset. And I am sure the incident with your brother and Lestan was at the very least upsetting. As for Lestan. I doubt he is unhappy, just probably worried for you.

Sure. What seems to cause you the most difficulty?

Mature Content Warning

This thread has been marked as mature. By reading and/or participating in this thread, you acknowledge that you are of age or have permission from your parents to do so.

The participants have indicated the following reason(s) for this warning: Suicidal ideation

Arric had advice for each of her problems, despite that Reverie had not asked for it. Part of her was grateful, but part of her was entirely anxious with his reassurance. Maybe it was just stress keeping her from dancing, and maybe Lestan was just worried rather than unhappy. But... what if neither of those things were true?
What if she never danced again?
What if Lestan didn't want her anymore?
Standing here in an unfamiliar place, venting her most intimate worries to an unfamiliar face with nowhere else to turn, Reverie felt for the first time that she truly did not want to keep on living. That thought startled her. She'd thought before that it might be easier to just — stop existing — but never before had Reverie wanted... well...
She wanted to sleep and never wake up. She wanted to slip away and find one of those herbs her father had warned her against, something that would take her quickly and quietly and without much fuss. She wanted to be absolved of everything, all of these burdens she'd taken upon herself, without feeling the pain of loss that would surely accompany such a separation. She swallowed and pushed the thought away, but it lingered in the background even as she answered Arric.
I can't seem to - clear my head. I just keep... thinking about things that make me upset, Reverie explained, feeling more strained than ever. But she tried not to show it too much.

Perhaps the gentle giant shouldn't have given advice, but it came second nature to him, it was almost like breathing. He always wanted to help where he could and often times he was found to be the one everyone talked too. He didn't mind.

He nodded and spoke soflty. That's the way it is with everyone when they first start even me. The important thing is to be kind to yourself. So tell me, Rev. If i was down and out, you'd be super nice to me right? Make sure i was alright, tell me all the good things about myself as hard as it is and believe me i get it. You have to train yourself to do that for your own self too.

He settled to his haunches and closed his eyes. The important thing is to be aware of yourself and your surroundings. Know how your breathing, how you're body is feeling. And if your  mind starts to wander bring it back gently with kind words and it may take some practice, it won't come to you first time.

Arric showed her some important ways to breath. Making sure to show her the inhale and the exhale, how he was easy on his limbs, but also not so relaxed that it was like jelly.

She needed to be kind to herself. That startled her a little bit; Reverie had never really put much thought toward how she treated herself. It just hadn't occurred to her to consider her own feelings the way she might someone else's. She didn't even know it mattered, not really.
But she was willing to trust Arric, so she nodded. She tried to mimic his breathing as he showed her, though it took a couple tries. Like that? She asked, but relaxing the tension from her limbs wasn't quite as easy. The tension lingered, and she frowned a little as she tried to release it. It just... didn't work.

Arric chuckled. NO one every realizes they need to be as kind to themselves as they are with others when they're upset. It's just not a usual thought.

Yes like that. He looked her over with practiced gaze, motioning with his head if she needed to move her body or breath differently.

Alright get up and move, shake the limbs loose sort of. And try and calm yourself down before you try and release the tension again. I know it's hard.

He showed her what he meant. Moving around the clearing, stretching a little. Tell yourself something you like about yourself.

Arric seemed to understand how new all of this was to her. Maybe he had been through this once before too? She looked at him with a newfound curiosity and respect, but she did not pry. Instead she listened closely to what he told her, and followed his instructions with only a little hesitation behind her movements.
Except when he asked her to say something that she liked about herself. Reverie stopped in her tracks, frozen for a moment as she tried to think of something. She couldn't. Instead she started to cry, because she realized —
She really did not like herself at all.

Arric had seen bad things, had heard of bad things. He himself had fought with ugly thoughts, but he had persevered. She was doing well following his instructions though when it came to the last one. He stood for a moment like a deer in a headlight. Then he rushed forward, with a shushing noise on his tongue. He was unsure what to do at first.

Would you like a hug, Rev? His voice quiet and unsure, but he just didn't want to overstep any boundaries or cause another ruckus. He briefly thought of calling Lestan, but thought that may make it worse.

Yes, She choked out, and before Arric could do anything else she was throwing herself into his arms. Reverie sobbed without reservation then, and all of the bottled-up feelings of the last weeks came out at once. Arric, I - I'm tired. I'm so tired of fighting this and - and it feels like it's for nothing. All I do is hurt people - She thought of Bjarna, of Lestan, of Everett —
I think I'm broken, Those last words came out in a whisper, for she could hardly bear to voice them. Broken, irreparably. She would never be normal. She could never give those she loved what they truly deserved: peace and stability, and the promise that she would still be there when morning came. Reverie feared more than anything else that it might be this way forever.

Tiny golden body him him hard, but he held firm. Three legged he stood, using one of his legs to trace along her back in soothing patterns unsure what else to do.

First you aren't broken. Now hear me out before you start interrupting and telling me i'm wrong okay. There was a gentle tease there, but also a hint of seriousness. He didn't want her to think he was making fun. He was just trying to make her feel better and humor laced with bluntness was how he did it.

You are hurting. And sometimes it seems like because you're hurting you're hurting others. You aren't, they just want to make you feel better. But you also can't make excuses you have to put the work in to heal. I know that's hard believe me. Sometimes it feels impossible, but you can do it.

Reverie listened, and slowly she calmed under Arric's gentle touch and his kind words. The tears began to fade, and she felt ashamed to have acted like such a child in his presence. He was being kind, but Reverie was afraid of that kindness. How long before she ruined this too?
She was learning that many people wanted to be kind. Many people wanted to help, because helping is easy at first, when it's new and rooted in the assumption that something will get better for it. And Reverie was getting better, but it was so slow that sometimes it felt like being stagnant. Eventually someone always got hurt; eventually she made her sister cry, or her brother beg, or her lover run after her in the dead of night just to keep her from leaving. Eventually someone got burned, and then helping was not such a kind and easy thing to do. Then it turned ugly and difficult, it turned into abandonment and it would always end the same — with her alone, the way she wanted, the way she feared.
What can I do? Reverie asked finally, voice wavering a little. She did not know; she wanted someone else to know, to give her the answer, any answer. Anything at all. She would do it, whatever it was; anything to fix herself, because even now all Reverie wanted was to run past the border of Swiftcurrent Creek and lose herself in the wilds and dance until she could no longer remember the names of the ones she was destined to love and to disappoint. And she knew she wasn't supposed to feel that way.

The burdens that the golden fur dancer held were many and Arric didn't know what they were exactly, but years of abuse tended todo that too you. Even if it was not meant as abuse. A neglect or high expectations all could damage if not handled with care.

He pulled her into a tight hug. His head over top of her head, legs near hers, but not a lover's embrace. Just two wolves being friendly, something he would do with Akavir, even Lestan.

I already told you. You be gentle with yourself. You speak kindly to yourself. It's going to take time Rev. There's no, solid answer or time frame for handling our own damage. All we can do is try our best and if we fail short of that sometimes, we just have to have enough gumption to realize it's okay that we didn't reach what we wanted today. We can try again the next day and the next until we get it right. There's no easy out or easy answer.

Reverie had known this, in a way; she'd always known that she was stuck with this, that her only option was to keep trying until something changed. That didn't bother her, not by itself. It was the way it affected the rest of her life — the way it warped everything so that her dreams and her nightmares were all about the same thing, about being truly alone.
What if... She stepped back from the hug to look into his eyes. Blue like an evening sky, she thought. What if it takes too long, and everyone gets tired of me? I've always thought that I want to be alone - to be free - but I - I'm scared of it, too. And maybe that's part of what's wrong with me. It's not normal to want to be alone, is it? Sometimes I think that if I was really alone like I wanted, I would just... fade away, and stop existing entirely. Her gaze fell away from him, and her voice sounded far away as she finished. And I don't know if I want that. I'm finally seeing the world, and I love it very much, and everything in it. I just... don't love myself. How can I? I've seen what happens to people who love me.

Arric studied her. This is going to sound harsh and I Don't mean it too. But if that happens and I mean truly happens. You now for a concrete fact that they are tired of you, and you just didn't assume that they were. Because there is a difference. If that happens, then they weren't worth it to begin with.

Arric shifted and thought about her question and smiled, though a bit sadly. I don't think it's abnormal, but my dad was one that preferred his own company. He could go days and not speak to even me. It's the way of things. Sometimes, some wolves, just prefer their own company and there's nothing wrong with it. It's just a part of them that if we love them we need to accept it.

Arric gazed at her and spoke softly. But did they love you Rev, or did they love an idea of you. Did they make up who they thought you should be and that was the version they loved, because that is it's own type of thing.

Cackling over how monumental this is going to be for Rev

Did they love you, or did they love an idea of you?

She thought of Bjarna, who loved a sister who could not stay.
And Lestan, who loved a woman who could not be brave.
She thought of The Gilded Sea, and a family that had so desperately needed Ophelia, the girl with the nurturing touch and the courage to stand for what was right. That wasn't her. Maybe Arric was right — maybe none of them really loved her, because none of them really knew her. And even if her new family wasn't yet tired of her, Reverie had already hurt them. She couldn't think of them as being unworthy, though, whatever they may feel about her.
I think it's okay to get tired of me. I can be - well, tiring. Not everyone can handle it, and that's okay. Everyone has to put their own happiness first, right? Reverie smiled self-consciously, but the expression faded quickly. I don't know if anyone has ever really loved me for me, to be honest. I don't know if anyone has ever really known me. I haven't gotten much of a chance... To know myself. For some reason she couldn't get the words out.

He's a goofus. I hope I did it right and it helps you with your charie growth.

Arric listened and frowned. I'm sorry Rev. He didn't know what else to say there.

There are different ways of loving. Just because they loved an idea of you, doesn't mean they didn't love you, truly. It just meant, you didn't show them all of you or they ignored pieces of you. And I think everyone does it too a point. They say love has no blind spots, that it encompasses everything. That you know their flaws and love them anyway.


Arric motioned with his head to make a point to breath. If she was getting upset she needed to breathe. 

I think you just need to remind yourself to breathe sometimes.

This has been wonderful for her development, I don't really have a direction in mind so anything works tbh <3

She couldn't help but smile when he told her to breathe. You're right, Reverie admitted softly. About all of it. Well... most of it. She tried to breathe the way Arric wanted her to, and started to remember herself then. I - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... dump all of that on you. But who else could she tell? Already she worried that she was too much a burden on Lestan, and Reverie did not trust anyone else in Swiftcurrent Creek.
Akavir seemed to distrust her. Moss seemed like she didn't know what to do with her at all. Bellatrix — well, Reverie did not trust herself there, nor did she trust the way the girl looked at her. It was only Arric, then. She let out a breath. Promise you won't tell Lestan? Please? He couldn't know how unhappy she was here. She didn't think she could bear that.

<3

Arric chuckled and then spoke again, his voice holding a small distinctive edge. Don't ever apologize for having feelings Rev. Be bold. Take up space. You have ever right too, just as every other wolf does.

He didn't mind the dumping. HE wanted to be a counselor after all. He felt he usually had the temperment for it. Though he had to admit the wolves by the seaside had definitely pulled out a monster from within and he had hated himself for it. 

Arric looked her over. I won't tell him what you tell me, but you must tell him you are talking to me. Because I don't want him to misunderstand anything. And someday you know you're gonna have to trust him enough and his love enough to tell him the truth.

Reverie was prepared to ask Arric to try again with meditation, but — wait —
Misunderstand? What do you mean? She blinked innocently at him. She was still quite unaware of the stir she'd caused between the two men. Though Reverie was well aware of her own failings where Arric was concerned, she had no clue that Lestan might have caught on. As far as she knew, it was her secret.

He chuckled. It's simple really, Rev. If my woman was talking with another dude, about emotions and stuff. I'd either ask to join or be suspicious. You know?

Which wasn't entirely true. And if she clearly didn't see the way Lestan had behaved when she and Arric had been dancing, then she wasn't paying attention, but in her defense. She had been a little well fainted. 

But Arric also though he didn't mind sharing, he also knew there needed to be rules in place. There needed to be constant conversation. They couldn't just go doing what or more so who they pleased all willy nilly. But he had a feeling, Lestan wasn't like that. He was a one partner kinda man.

Reverie was slightly horrified by the implications, all of them. Did Arric really think of her as Lestan's woman? And was she really doing something wrong just by talking to Arric? That thought unsettled her, the idea that it was somehow taboo to speak of her feelings with anyone but Lestan. But...
She was trying to trust Arric, and she certainly did not want to betray Lestan. As often as she found herself attracted to others, Reverie did not love them the way she loved him. She would never cross that line. Her own father had been so adamant, so intensely hateful of even the mere mention of infidelity. It was wrong, it was evil, it was the cruelest thing to do to a man, especially when children were involved —
She had to fight the spiral of thoughts about her father, her family. This was one teaching of her father's that she would not question, however. To be led astray from a lover was the highest form of betrayal, and she would not do that to Lestan. I - I don't - I don't want you. She swallowed the words and said instead, I don't mean anything by it. I'm sorry. I'll - talk to him.

She wasn't listening and taking what he was saying wrong so he held up a paw. Listen. You aren't doing anything wrong by talking to me. I just noticed that Lestan was alittle upset about the dancing that's all. And I don't want to cause problems where there is nothing to cause, alright? Cause you two make each other happy.

he shrugged a broad shoulder. Unsure what else to say. She could take what he said personal if he wasn't careful, she probably already did. She was one he had to think carefully before he spoke.

Reverie was overwhelmed. Arric said a number of things that startled her, and left her somewhat dazed by the end of it all. Lestan was upset about her dancing with Arric, and he hadn't told her. Hadn't breathed a word of it. Out of everything, that stood out the most to her, because frankly it was upsetting. She was trying so very hard to trust Lestan to voice his feelings! But he was not; he was keeping secrets, or at least one.
But Arric thought that she made Lestan happy, and that alone kept her from storming off to find him and question him. Reverie's frustration wilted into something subdued and guilty. Maybe she had been wrong to dance with Arric. I understand, She said quietly. So it was okay to speak with Arric, just — no dancing. That thought made her a little sad. But if Lestan wanted her to dance only with him, she would.
She was realizing she would do almost anything for Lestan. More importantly, she was realizing that she really did need to talk to him about this.
Do you really think I make Lestan happy? Reverie couldn't stop herself, couldn't keep the note of hope from her voice. That was all she wanted, really; for someone to be happy with her, even as broken as she was. Bjarna had been for a time... but then Reverie had broken that too, and made her cry, and left. She always left.