Redhawk Caldera Anima resurgence.

More than a week had passed since Peregrine’s disappearance. Part of Towhee wished desperately to join the search parties, but cold reason prevented her participation. She still had to look after her daughters and, besides, her son was dead. Even if he hadn’t been killed outright, he couldn’t live without his mother’s milk and the pack’s protection. It was simple, cruel logic.

Even without a body to bury, Towhee found a sense of closure as she stepped out into the frigid December morning. So many had disappeared over the course of her long life, though all of them could have arguably survived on their own. It was different with Peregrine. She mourned him deeply, though she was ruefully glad to note the lack of complete despair. Her sigh was visible in the frosty air.

Loath to let her living children out of her sight, Towhee nevertheless made sure someone else was sitting them before heading down to the caldera. She walked to the place where she’d found her son’s scent, then gazed across the water. It was smooth as glass at the moment, reflecting the overcast sky. Was Peregrine’s tiny body somewhere below that mirror? Would it wash up eventually?

Something moved near her feet, catching Towhee’s attention. There was a feather stuck between some rocks lining the water’s edge. She idly rolled one, setting the quill free. The wintry wind immediately blew it away, Towhee’s orange eyes following it until it vanished along the curving shoreline. She glanced downward but saw no others. Her lips tugged into a frown as her gaze reluctantly dragged back to the caldera’s choppy and jagged surface.

tag for reference! <3

towhee jr follows her mother's scent, intercepting it as she moved from food cache to food cache, checking them. @Hotah and her had filled a good bit of them recently with that buck they'd taken down but it gives towhee jr, who can not sit idle, something to do. perhaps tzar was more like her than she thought, she considers with a small snort.

perhaps it'd been easy to clock her son for needing a task because he took after her. she, too, needed a task; and while she hadn't given up the search for her missing brother, she has sent tzar and ghost out to search some more. trying to fulfill his want to explore outside the caldera with a mission.

her mother's figure comes into view after a few minutes of walking and towhee jr approaches, offering a press of her forehead to her mother's shoulder. a gesture of affection. grief catches in towhee jr's throat for a moment and she works to swallow it down, for perhaps the first time in her life glad that she could not speak.

-i'm sorry, mom.- she signs.

Some unknowable amount of time passed, Towhee’s eyes gone glassy as she stared across the water. She jerked slightly when she sensed someone beside her, though her face softened quickly as she turned it toward Jr. She drew in a sharp breath, knowing that her daughter couldn’t just sympathize, she could empathize with this loss. She hated that for her.

She didn’t reply verbally, though she reached out a paw and placed it over one of Jr’s for a long moment. When Towhee glanced down at their clasped paws, she saw a tuft of white down wedged in the rocky soil. Her jaw tightened. She hadn’t caught any scent beside her son’s, which had ruled out most predators. The idea that Peregrine had been snatched by a bird of prey made her feel sick to her stomach.

When Towhee finally spoke, she said, -I don’t want you or any of the others spending any more time searching. I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but it’s…- She couldn’t quite bring herself to call it a waste of time, which felt far too cold. -Winter’s coming. We need to focus on preparing. And I want closure just as badly as anyone, but it’s not worth it,- she continued bitterly. -Peregrine is certainly dead.-

towhee jr draws in a deep breath and lets it out in a heavier sigh, ears slicking back to rest atop her skull. part of her wants to argue, to point out that they don't know that for sure but the other part of towhee jr: brutally realistic agrees, and as the stronger part does not try to counter her mother's words or offer false hope.

after all, it was what she was working so hard to defuse tzar of: false hope. hope that would only lead to further heartbreak. but towhee jr understands defiance: understands the want to prove everyone wrong.

-i will pass it along to tzar.- she offers, unsure what else to say. 'i'm sorry' hardly felt like enough, not when she understood the specific pain herself.

Her daughter didn’t argue with her, nor try to change her mind. Towhee appreciated it, though she hated that she knew why Jr refused to refute her. She knew exactly what it was like to lose some children but not all. She knew what it was like, needing to stay strong and look after the survivors. There wasn’t time to grieve, much less search, especially not with such dismal odds.

-I can’t stop wondering if he’s there,- she admitted after a few moments of silence, flicking a paw toward the lake.

The wind had died down, its surface rippling only a little now. Towhee wondered again whether his tiny body had sunken to the depths. Would it one day resurface, bloated with decomposition? Towhee’s lips pulled into a grimace.

-I have no idea how he managed to leave the den and make it all the way here. But he did. And the trail went cold, right here,- she continued, tapping a paw on the patch of rocks that still smelled faintly like her son. -I never thought…-

Her breathing had gone unsteady as her thoughts chugged along painfully. She had never considered the caldera a threat to any of the nestlings. And then the impossible had happened: a babe, not even a month old, had somehow found his way to its treacherous shoreline.

-Don’t tell anyone this, but I’ve hated this place off and on over the years,- she admitted to Jr, -and right now, I’ve never hated it more. I can’t just pack up and leave, for so many reasons, but… fuck.- Towhee shook her head, clearly fraught and frustrated. -Fuck this fucking place.-

Emotions welled up in her, an intense cocktail of them. Towhee leaned toward the water and struck its surface, the force of the slap sending a shockwave up her foreleg as she disturbed the calm surface, essentially breaking the mirror. It hurt a little, though there was a sense of relief too, in expressing that bitter mixture of anger and grief.