May 21, 2020, 04:14 PM
When prompted for a reason behind his questions, Bronco shrugged and looked away. It would've been incredibly difficult for him to have tried to see from Elfie's point of view, the day he'd thrown the flowers from the gravesites. He had been insulted, and knew that Elfie's actions would likely have offended anyone who'd caught him in the act. This was not a situation that he could have imagined that he might have even begun to give his rival any amount of leeway; and he still believed that Elfie should've been punished for his actions. And maybe he was- wherever he was.
He did, though, dignify Wraen's question with an honest answer. He didn't like talking about such personal things- but of all the wolves in the pack, he felt he could trust Wraen to have a clear mind and be the one he could speak to without incurring judgement. "Elfie. That day that he pulled the flowers off Dad's an' Wildfire's graves, an' just threw them away, right after Sugar'd put them there. I don't think it was right of him to do that." He admitted. "An' I can't really see it from any other way. Dad died protecting the pack against..." He trailed off, and paused. "Did...You know her?" It wasn't a topic he could speak about with his mother. All he knew was that the wolf who'd attacked Colt had once been a member of the pack.
He did, though, dignify Wraen's question with an honest answer. He didn't like talking about such personal things- but of all the wolves in the pack, he felt he could trust Wraen to have a clear mind and be the one he could speak to without incurring judgement. "Elfie. That day that he pulled the flowers off Dad's an' Wildfire's graves, an' just threw them away, right after Sugar'd put them there. I don't think it was right of him to do that." He admitted. "An' I can't really see it from any other way. Dad died protecting the pack against..." He trailed off, and paused. "Did...You know her?" It wasn't a topic he could speak about with his mother. All he knew was that the wolf who'd attacked Colt had once been a member of the pack.
May 22, 2020, 02:48 PM
"That was not right of him to do it," Wraen nodded in agreement, recalling the lengthy conversation she had had with the boy afterwards. "He was disrespectful and I understand, how it hurt you," still did, even though Elfie was long gone. Either dead or alive he had already paid the price for his petty childish crimes tenfold. She would rather have that little jerk here now than never finding out about his fate.
"And yet... It may be hard to understand it now, but we should stand above those people that hurt us," she said. "And even pity them that they do so - knowingly or unknowingly - either they want to feel better about themselves or they are looking for something that they do not know yet that they are missing," Wraen paused here to let this sink in. She did not believe that people were inherently all bad, but rather that the best and the worst came out, when the were surrounded by other people.
"I don't defend Elfie for what he did, but... uh... I don't think that it was in any way linked to hating you or the memory of your dad, but more about the complexity of his own situation that he did not see any way out of," she tried to put the idea in the best words, but it did not come easy. "His mom died and his world collapsed. You have seen, what Eljay is like - it has been a year now and there are marginal improvements. In a way he lost both parents, when he needed them the most.
Children are selfish and they do not usually overanalyze things much. But I think that a simple - why do you do that? - would have set him back and made him think a little. Or just reaching out a helping paw. You cannot save people from themselves, but you can at least give them an opportunity. Though... on the other hand it is fine also, if you do not want to see them again, because they have hurt you too deeply," she felt that she had lost track of, what she had wanted to say and had not conveyed even half of, what she had had on her mind.
"I knew Kiwi. She was Wildfire's daughter from an earlier mateship," Wraen told him.
"And yet... It may be hard to understand it now, but we should stand above those people that hurt us," she said. "And even pity them that they do so - knowingly or unknowingly - either they want to feel better about themselves or they are looking for something that they do not know yet that they are missing," Wraen paused here to let this sink in. She did not believe that people were inherently all bad, but rather that the best and the worst came out, when the were surrounded by other people.
"I don't defend Elfie for what he did, but... uh... I don't think that it was in any way linked to hating you or the memory of your dad, but more about the complexity of his own situation that he did not see any way out of," she tried to put the idea in the best words, but it did not come easy. "His mom died and his world collapsed. You have seen, what Eljay is like - it has been a year now and there are marginal improvements. In a way he lost both parents, when he needed them the most.
Children are selfish and they do not usually overanalyze things much. But I think that a simple - why do you do that? - would have set him back and made him think a little. Or just reaching out a helping paw. You cannot save people from themselves, but you can at least give them an opportunity. Though... on the other hand it is fine also, if you do not want to see them again, because they have hurt you too deeply," she felt that she had lost track of, what she had wanted to say and had not conveyed even half of, what she had had on her mind.
"I knew Kiwi. She was Wildfire's daughter from an earlier mateship," Wraen told him.
May 23, 2020, 11:41 AM
For a few moments, he felt like Wraen was taking his side- and that was pretty gratifying. But he should have known better- as Wraen was the kind of wolf who sought not to take a side, but to understand both of them. This idea was somewhat of a novel concept to him, as he more or less figured that there was a right side and a wrong side, and he was fairly certain that in that situation, he'd been the good guy. Sugar had asked him why he'd done it- and he couldn't remember exactly what Elfie's response had been, but it had been something along the lines of calling them idiots.
His brow furrowed when it was implied that he should consider lending Elfie a bit of sympathy...But he still hadn't quite come to terms with the situation well enough to accept an apology, if one ever came, or to forgive him regardless of whether he ever saw Elfie again. He knew what it felt like to lose a parent; and Wraen was right...Eljay had been mourning Wildfire's death. He'd never thought what it might be like to have to mourn someone and still have to take care of their children at the same time. He hadn't really even told his own mother that he was sorry she'd lost her mate- he'd been so focused on his own grief, and she'd done everything she could have done to make him feel better. It made him realize that perhaps, he'd been a bit selfish; and he looked up when Wraen even mentioned the same word. Yeah; she was probably right. Both of them had been selfish, and neither had listened to the other.
"I still feel like he did the wrong thing." He said. "An' it's on him for not apologizing. But...I dunno. It's up to him. I don't think I'd be happy to have him back in the pack, unless he came forward an' apologized." He said. This wasn't a grudge he was willing to let go of quite yet; not until he at least got validation that Elfie had done something wrong- and that he knew it.
She mentioned a name he'd only heard on hushed breaths a couple of times before. He remembered his mother hissing it, once, angrily, before she returned to her grieving. He contemplated the situation a bit. This Kiwi, then, was the child of their former leader- but in his eyes, she was a murderer. "What will you do if she ever comes back?" He asked, then.
His brow furrowed when it was implied that he should consider lending Elfie a bit of sympathy...But he still hadn't quite come to terms with the situation well enough to accept an apology, if one ever came, or to forgive him regardless of whether he ever saw Elfie again. He knew what it felt like to lose a parent; and Wraen was right...Eljay had been mourning Wildfire's death. He'd never thought what it might be like to have to mourn someone and still have to take care of their children at the same time. He hadn't really even told his own mother that he was sorry she'd lost her mate- he'd been so focused on his own grief, and she'd done everything she could have done to make him feel better. It made him realize that perhaps, he'd been a bit selfish; and he looked up when Wraen even mentioned the same word. Yeah; she was probably right. Both of them had been selfish, and neither had listened to the other.
"I still feel like he did the wrong thing." He said. "An' it's on him for not apologizing. But...I dunno. It's up to him. I don't think I'd be happy to have him back in the pack, unless he came forward an' apologized." He said. This wasn't a grudge he was willing to let go of quite yet; not until he at least got validation that Elfie had done something wrong- and that he knew it.
She mentioned a name he'd only heard on hushed breaths a couple of times before. He remembered his mother hissing it, once, angrily, before she returned to her grieving. He contemplated the situation a bit. This Kiwi, then, was the child of their former leader- but in his eyes, she was a murderer. "What will you do if she ever comes back?" He asked, then.
May 23, 2020, 03:41 PM
"Well, Bronco, if you want to hear an apology for every wrong - big or small - that anyone has ever done to you, you will be waiting for a very long time," Wraen pointed out and did not dwell on the subject much after that. Have him figure this out himself and later than sooner he would learn. That it was easier to forgive yourself to the wrong-doer and move on than wait patiently and expectantly for them to make the first step.
Kiwi was entirely different case. Could you ever forgive? Wraen did not know all the details of, what exactly had happened between Colt and her, why it had escalated so quickly. Had she attacked to kill? Or had this fight been her way of coping with the news of Wildfire's death? When the Sovereign had found the girl afterwards, she had heard the most absurd accusations. Perhaps, it had been fever or the girl had truly believed every single word she had said then.
After Colt had died, Wraen had often wondered, whether she had done the right thing, leaving Kiwi alive to fend for herself. Heal or die. Elwood had been in agreement with her - she had been family once, though she had relinquished those rights, any rights, in fact, when she had purposefully attacked one of the leaders. Perhaps calling others or attempting to bring her back to Firebirds would have changed things. Or not.
Wraen did not know, whether there was a right answer to the question - what had been the right thing to do a year ago. Maybe there was no such thing. Colt had died before she had been able to approach him and talk about this, though she could hardly imagine him taking a favourable view on this. "She is yours, Nellie's and Niamh's to judge and deal with," Wraen finally said. "But there is a death sentence for her, if she ever comes here again. She is aware of that, wherever she is now."
Kiwi was entirely different case. Could you ever forgive? Wraen did not know all the details of, what exactly had happened between Colt and her, why it had escalated so quickly. Had she attacked to kill? Or had this fight been her way of coping with the news of Wildfire's death? When the Sovereign had found the girl afterwards, she had heard the most absurd accusations. Perhaps, it had been fever or the girl had truly believed every single word she had said then.
After Colt had died, Wraen had often wondered, whether she had done the right thing, leaving Kiwi alive to fend for herself. Heal or die. Elwood had been in agreement with her - she had been family once, though she had relinquished those rights, any rights, in fact, when she had purposefully attacked one of the leaders. Perhaps calling others or attempting to bring her back to Firebirds would have changed things. Or not.
Wraen did not know, whether there was a right answer to the question - what had been the right thing to do a year ago. Maybe there was no such thing. Colt had died before she had been able to approach him and talk about this, though she could hardly imagine him taking a favourable view on this. "She is yours, Nellie's and Niamh's to judge and deal with," Wraen finally said. "But there is a death sentence for her, if she ever comes here again. She is aware of that, wherever she is now."
May 27, 2020, 11:38 AM
When Wraen informed him that he'd never get all the apologies he wanted from others for their wrongdoings, it put a bitter taste in his mouth. How would the world work, then, if there were those who went around and hurting others- and then refusing to apologize for their actions? He didn't like the idea that there were wolves who existed who could purposefully hurt the feelings of other wolves...Not realizing, of course, that he himself had been a bit of a bully. That revelation would take time to come to him, but at least in the meantime, he was learning.
It seemed that Wraen was not willing to stand in the way of whatever justice his family decided if Kiwi came their way again. He frowned. He wanted Kiwi to be punished- but he wasn't sure he could do much about it. He felt certain that his mother wouldn't hesitate to put an end to Kiwi's life, and he suspected that Nellie would also want revenge- but to what extent? He wasn't sure. "And what about the rest of the pack?" He asked. "Would they just....Let Mom do whatever she wanted to do, to Kiwi?" He had a feeling that Towhee would stand by Niamh's judgement, being that she was a warrior herself, but Phox...Bronco had a feeling that Phox might not be so keen on doling out execution as punishment, and the same went for a few others. "Do you think it's fair...A life for a life?" He asked, then, continuing that thought.
It seemed that Wraen was not willing to stand in the way of whatever justice his family decided if Kiwi came their way again. He frowned. He wanted Kiwi to be punished- but he wasn't sure he could do much about it. He felt certain that his mother wouldn't hesitate to put an end to Kiwi's life, and he suspected that Nellie would also want revenge- but to what extent? He wasn't sure. "And what about the rest of the pack?" He asked. "Would they just....Let Mom do whatever she wanted to do, to Kiwi?" He had a feeling that Towhee would stand by Niamh's judgement, being that she was a warrior herself, but Phox...Bronco had a feeling that Phox might not be so keen on doling out execution as punishment, and the same went for a few others. "Do you think it's fair...A life for a life?" He asked, then, continuing that thought.
May 28, 2020, 01:32 PM
"I don't know, if it is fair," Wraen shrugged. "I think that most things in life are not strictly black and white but in many shades of gray. And it means that there is always, always another way out of the situation," she told him, not expecting him to believe it fully or act on it, but, since he had asked, perhaps, something that she had told, would stick to him.
"Killing Kiwi would not bring Colt back. I doubt that even the satisfaction of knowing that your father has been avenged would be long-lasting or there at all," she said, knowing well that this as a hypothetical situation, she did not know herself, how she would act, if she was in Niamh's place. "And... you know... in your wish to revenge you forget that the person you want to kill or hurt badly, will fight back. And that you might lose, you might suffer greatly, you might die as well."
"It is Niamh's decision, though - if she elected to fight Kiwi to death... her children might lose their mom, her mate could lose a wife, her packmates a good and reliable friend," Wraen was thoughtful for a long while, after she said this. She had had a chance to do justice, to finish things and wrap them up nicely, but she had not. The beast inside her had raised it's ugly head and growled in anticipation, but she had resisted it, believing that there was another way out.
In the end she had done, what felt right by her core beliefs in life, but she was not so sure that other would understand, if she ever told anyone about it. "I won't stand in her way, if she decides that it is something she needs to do, that is right by her. Yet... she is not a lone soul here. And people that are very close to her, would have every right to deter her," she sighed.
"Killing Kiwi would not bring Colt back. I doubt that even the satisfaction of knowing that your father has been avenged would be long-lasting or there at all," she said, knowing well that this as a hypothetical situation, she did not know herself, how she would act, if she was in Niamh's place. "And... you know... in your wish to revenge you forget that the person you want to kill or hurt badly, will fight back. And that you might lose, you might suffer greatly, you might die as well."
"It is Niamh's decision, though - if she elected to fight Kiwi to death... her children might lose their mom, her mate could lose a wife, her packmates a good and reliable friend," Wraen was thoughtful for a long while, after she said this. She had had a chance to do justice, to finish things and wrap them up nicely, but she had not. The beast inside her had raised it's ugly head and growled in anticipation, but she had resisted it, believing that there was another way out.
In the end she had done, what felt right by her core beliefs in life, but she was not so sure that other would understand, if she ever told anyone about it. "I won't stand in her way, if she decides that it is something she needs to do, that is right by her. Yet... she is not a lone soul here. And people that are very close to her, would have every right to deter her," she sighed.
May 28, 2020, 01:51 PM
The idea that things weren't black and white- and that 'an eye for an eye' or in this case, a 'life for a life' wasn't necessarily the only option. He didn't want to kill Kiwi- but he did believe she ought to be punished for what she'd done, and getting away with her life...He didn't see that as being punishment. Survival was a reward she'd been given- of course, he believed her survival had been due to some sort of fate, not knowing that his own packmates had found her shortly after she'd attacked Colt...And had not simply killed her then.
He didn't like the idea of Kiwi and his mother fighting to the death, because he believed that Kiwi's life was something she owed to his mother...To their whole family. She had taken something away from them that had been so important and beloved- and he felt that she should lose the same, though he wouldn't have condemned one of Kiwi's innocent relatives to death in order to punish her. It likely would have been effective- and Niamh had, in fact, threatened Bat when she'd showed up, as the two were sisters. He didn't believe that Niamh should risk her life just to get revenge- and he knew that if Niamh did decide to take her revenge, she wouldn't be taking it alone.
"I...I couldn't let Ma fight her alone." He said. "And I know Mom would wanna kill her on sight. But I couldn't let her do it alone." He admitted. "Not because I want revenge...Nothing like that. I just...I'd just wanna make sure that Mom didn't get..." Say Kiwi managed to best his mother- then he would have lost two wolves to brutal murder. He shook his head. "It's just so stupid." He said, brow furrowed.
He contemplated for a moment, and couldn't make sense of it. "Why'd Kiwi kill him? Like...And does running away make her a coward?" He asked. He'd used Wraen's advice- and had sought to find an answer, rather than simply making an emotional decision, and he looked to her for her insight. While it was a terribly difficult subject, it was a lot easier to talk to Wraen about his father's death, and the woman who murdered him, than it was to talk about with his mother.
He didn't like the idea of Kiwi and his mother fighting to the death, because he believed that Kiwi's life was something she owed to his mother...To their whole family. She had taken something away from them that had been so important and beloved- and he felt that she should lose the same, though he wouldn't have condemned one of Kiwi's innocent relatives to death in order to punish her. It likely would have been effective- and Niamh had, in fact, threatened Bat when she'd showed up, as the two were sisters. He didn't believe that Niamh should risk her life just to get revenge- and he knew that if Niamh did decide to take her revenge, she wouldn't be taking it alone.
"I...I couldn't let Ma fight her alone." He said. "And I know Mom would wanna kill her on sight. But I couldn't let her do it alone." He admitted. "Not because I want revenge...Nothing like that. I just...I'd just wanna make sure that Mom didn't get..." Say Kiwi managed to best his mother- then he would have lost two wolves to brutal murder. He shook his head. "It's just so stupid." He said, brow furrowed.
He contemplated for a moment, and couldn't make sense of it. "Why'd Kiwi kill him? Like...And does running away make her a coward?" He asked. He'd used Wraen's advice- and had sought to find an answer, rather than simply making an emotional decision, and he looked to her for her insight. While it was a terribly difficult subject, it was a lot easier to talk to Wraen about his father's death, and the woman who murdered him, than it was to talk about with his mother.
May 28, 2020, 02:47 PM
"I don't know, if she attacked to kill," Wraen replied, thinking about that moment, when she had spoken to Kiwi herself about this, and hadn't got a coherent answer from her. "Or why did your father thought to take her on his own rather than calling other packmates to aid him," maybe it was that the weathered Blackthorn had believed odds would be in his favour, not realizing that there are only so many shots you get, before your luck runs thin.
"When Firebirds were founded, Kiwi was the heir-apparent. She was Wildfire's daughter, a very young, head-strong and promising wolf. A leader-to-be, but she decided to leave on her own accord to explore the world," she told. "And when she returned, things had changed - her mom had passed away, Colt had stepped up and - from what I heard - she was under misapprehension that your dad had killed her in order to take the position."
"So - from her viewpoint, flawed as it may be - she was fighting eye-for-an-eye. Avenging someone she had loved very much," Wraen pointed out and wished for once that she could truly hate the girl, rather than look for excuses and explanations. "She injured Colt badly, but she did not walk away unharmed either. And in the following weeks your dad was recovering and doing fine, but it was the infection of the injuries that got him in the end.
So... yes, Kiwi was an indirect cause of your father's death, at the same time - she had not returned to her home with an intent to kill him in the first place. Rather she made faulty assumptions, rash conclusions and bad decisions. And she was the same age you are now, Bronco," Wraen finished. "Things are rarely easy, simple or straightforward in life - and I wish there was one right answer to every complex situation. My best advice to you is to stop and think well, before making a fateful decision. In the end - despite, what stories tells us - the best fight is the one that did not take place."
"When Firebirds were founded, Kiwi was the heir-apparent. She was Wildfire's daughter, a very young, head-strong and promising wolf. A leader-to-be, but she decided to leave on her own accord to explore the world," she told. "And when she returned, things had changed - her mom had passed away, Colt had stepped up and - from what I heard - she was under misapprehension that your dad had killed her in order to take the position."
"So - from her viewpoint, flawed as it may be - she was fighting eye-for-an-eye. Avenging someone she had loved very much," Wraen pointed out and wished for once that she could truly hate the girl, rather than look for excuses and explanations. "She injured Colt badly, but she did not walk away unharmed either. And in the following weeks your dad was recovering and doing fine, but it was the infection of the injuries that got him in the end.
So... yes, Kiwi was an indirect cause of your father's death, at the same time - she had not returned to her home with an intent to kill him in the first place. Rather she made faulty assumptions, rash conclusions and bad decisions. And she was the same age you are now, Bronco," Wraen finished. "Things are rarely easy, simple or straightforward in life - and I wish there was one right answer to every complex situation. My best advice to you is to stop and think well, before making a fateful decision. In the end - despite, what stories tells us - the best fight is the one that did not take place."
May 28, 2020, 03:06 PM
Having not known the entire story...It was very uncomfortable and emotional for him to hear it in its completion, from Wraen's perspective. He did his best to keep his emotions in check as they flooded through him, swirling and morphing from betrayal to anger, and that horrible feeling of knowing that something terribly wrong had been done due to a lack of information on Kiwi's behalf. She had attacked his father because she had assumed that he had killed her mother. It simply didn't make sense- had she not known who Colt was? Why would she leap to such a conclusion, just based on the fact that his father had stepped up to take over the role of leading the pack? Wraen was now leader- but that certainly did not mean that she had killed their former Sovereign.
He felt frustrated, knowing that both he and his mother had been away when his father had been attacked, and that perhaps at least Niamh could have done something about it had she been there. He knew he couldn't blame himself for his father's death- but he could not stop himself from wondering if he wasn't at least partially responsible. If he hadn't been such a jackass as a kid...His mother wouldn't have taken him out for some one-on-one time and behavior modification...And if she'd been home, then she sure as hell would have stepped in at Colt's side. There was no way Colt would've died, had his mother been present. It troubled him- but he knew there was no way of changing the past.
"But she still attacked him, and he still died." He said, feeling a bit contrary when Wraen tried to take some of the blame off Kiwi's shoulders. "She was a coward." He said defiantly, but there was more sadness in his voice than anger. He rubbed his face against his foreleg, as though trying to rub the soreness out of his cheeks from the tears that burned within. "But my Dad wasn't." He said softly. A soft hiccup disrupted his breathing, which he was trying to control with great difficulty. He remained as calm as possible, despite reliving the events leading to his father's death. He sniffed, and clenched his jaws together as he held his breath, doing everything he could think of in order to keep himself from crumpling. When he spoke again, his voice was tight but soft. "What do you remember best about him?" He asked, though he was unable to make himself look at Wraen, knowing that it would be too much.
He felt frustrated, knowing that both he and his mother had been away when his father had been attacked, and that perhaps at least Niamh could have done something about it had she been there. He knew he couldn't blame himself for his father's death- but he could not stop himself from wondering if he wasn't at least partially responsible. If he hadn't been such a jackass as a kid...His mother wouldn't have taken him out for some one-on-one time and behavior modification...And if she'd been home, then she sure as hell would have stepped in at Colt's side. There was no way Colt would've died, had his mother been present. It troubled him- but he knew there was no way of changing the past.
"But she still attacked him, and he still died." He said, feeling a bit contrary when Wraen tried to take some of the blame off Kiwi's shoulders. "She was a coward." He said defiantly, but there was more sadness in his voice than anger. He rubbed his face against his foreleg, as though trying to rub the soreness out of his cheeks from the tears that burned within. "But my Dad wasn't." He said softly. A soft hiccup disrupted his breathing, which he was trying to control with great difficulty. He remained as calm as possible, despite reliving the events leading to his father's death. He sniffed, and clenched his jaws together as he held his breath, doing everything he could think of in order to keep himself from crumpling. When he spoke again, his voice was tight but soft. "What do you remember best about him?" He asked, though he was unable to make himself look at Wraen, knowing that it would be too much.
May 30, 2020, 02:35 PM
Kiwi, probably, was a coward. To be honest, Wraen no longer knew, what to think of her or how to judge her. On one side there was the fact that she was Wildfire's daughter and just as Elwood had pointed out, when she had told about the whole ordeal, she was still family. Somehow. In some very complex way. And yet on the other side there were consequences of her actions. Colt had died, they had lost a leader, Niamh a beloved husband, Bronco and Nellie - a father, and Finley a partner in crime and best friend since birth.
Wraen had spared the girl's life, because she had hoped that one day she would repent her sin and fully grasp, what she had done, that - perhaps - she would learn from that experience, move on. Wraen had seen some hope for the girl, had not wished her to be evil, just misguided and stupid. Yet, maybe, the right thing to do then would have been to corner her, call for other adults and have her judged there and then. Thus she would be able to go with collective decisions and wash her hands in innocence. After all... had it been her right to give Kiwi a second chance? Was it truly Niamh's right to decide on the girl's fate, if she ever met her again? Wraen did not know the right answers to any of these questions. She did not believe there were such.
"Me and your father weren't that close at the time," Wraen wished she had more stories to tell about her and Colt, but she had not known the guy too well. "But he had a lot of early-age adventures together with Finley, if I remember correctly," she said. "Unfortunately I did not have that much time to ask her to tell them all, but - perhaps - Towhee or Phox remember more. They grew up with those legendary tales."
Wraen had spared the girl's life, because she had hoped that one day she would repent her sin and fully grasp, what she had done, that - perhaps - she would learn from that experience, move on. Wraen had seen some hope for the girl, had not wished her to be evil, just misguided and stupid. Yet, maybe, the right thing to do then would have been to corner her, call for other adults and have her judged there and then. Thus she would be able to go with collective decisions and wash her hands in innocence. After all... had it been her right to give Kiwi a second chance? Was it truly Niamh's right to decide on the girl's fate, if she ever met her again? Wraen did not know the right answers to any of these questions. She did not believe there were such.
"Me and your father weren't that close at the time," Wraen wished she had more stories to tell about her and Colt, but she had not known the guy too well. "But he had a lot of early-age adventures together with Finley, if I remember correctly," she said. "Unfortunately I did not have that much time to ask her to tell them all, but - perhaps - Towhee or Phox remember more. They grew up with those legendary tales."
May 31, 2020, 04:08 PM
He felt disappointed, but also a bit relieved that Wraen didn't have stories for him. While he wanted to know more about what his father's life had been like, and while he wanted to hear accolades from all the wolves he'd known, he was also aware now that he was still grieving- and that hearing those things likely would have made him hurt again. Grief comes in waves. Someone had told him that- and he couldn't remember who had said it- but he realized now that they were right. He took a breath, held it for a moment, and breathed it out, willing for his exhale to take with it the heavy, burning feeling that had been kindled within his chest. For a few moments, focusing simply on his breathing seemed to work, as he listened to Wraen, though the burning feeling returned when Finley was mentioned. He missed his aunt...How she used to egg him on, encourage his boisterous attitude, but could always manage to keep him in check, too. And now she was gone- and with her, all the stories that he should have asked to hear about what his Dad had been like, when they'd been kids. He knew some of them- because Finley had seemed to enjoy, to some extent, telling the wide-eyed youth about her daring adventures...But it was never enough.
He'd have to ask Towhee. He wasn't sure he really wanted to go and ask Phox about Colt, given that that would mean he'd essentially be asking his stepfather about his wife's ex-mate...And something about that just seemed like it could potentially get pretty damn awkward quick. His mother couldn't even handle the mention of Colt's name without getting tears in her eyes- so he decided he might approach Towhee, but only when the time was right. This wasn't just something he felt comfortable bringing up out of the blue.
In the few moments of silence that followed, his mind wandered...Without being given new stories to hear, or even the re-telling of a story he already knew, he felt himself once again wondering about Kiwi...It was the first real conversation he'd been able to have with anyone about her, and he felt that Wraen was possibly the only wolf he could really talk to about this. He assumed Towhee would feel the same way about Kiwi that Niamh did, and he was already aware that his mother wanted Kiwi dead. He wasn't sure that Phox would have been terribly close to her, and apart from those three...Who else was left, who had known Kiwi? There was Eljay, of course...But he was too afraid to ask Eljay questions about personal or upsetting things. Neither of them would make it through that conversation.
A thought- a dark, shadowy thing- made its way into his mind and he felt himself clam up. He felt lightly offended that such a thing should even enter his mind- but it was something deeply disturbing and troubling, and there was no better wolf to ask than Wraen. So, after taking a moment to steady himself on the brink of this new uncertainty that opened up before him like a bottomless gorge, he stared hard at the ground, and spoke.
"If...If I ever meet her...What do I do?" He asked. "I don't think Mom would forgive me, if I just...Let her go, but..." He said, and whatever control he'd managed to maintain this long finally started to slip away from him. "I can't hurt anyone, Wraen. I just can't," he confessed, which made his cheeks flush with heat, and his heart sink with shame. He was the son of the Sergeant-at-Arms, and one of the pack's guardians. He felt that there were certain expectations for him- and that he'd just confessed how truly inadequate he was, something he'd been keeping as a secret as long as he could remember. The truth bubbled out of him, disjunct and truncated.
"I made Nellie yelp once, and...I felt so bad. All I did was nip her...And I've never really been able to spar with her since and I like sparring with Towhee but...If I do, actually, accidentally hurt her, I just...I can't keep sparring, it just makes me feel sick and I have to stop...And then there was this...Guy. And he...I caught him, and he was attacking Sugar Glider...So I knocked him offa her, and I fought him, and I...I got him by the throat. I could've hurt him- I could've killed him, I could've killed him...I could've killed him...Mom...Would've killed him. And I felt like I was supposed to be like her...But I'm not. And I couldn't, so...I let him go." He said. "I don't..." He started, but then he trailed off, and decided to reiterate that thought.
"I know I'm good at fighting, and defending, and guarding...But if it means I have to kill someone...I can't do it."
He'd have to ask Towhee. He wasn't sure he really wanted to go and ask Phox about Colt, given that that would mean he'd essentially be asking his stepfather about his wife's ex-mate...And something about that just seemed like it could potentially get pretty damn awkward quick. His mother couldn't even handle the mention of Colt's name without getting tears in her eyes- so he decided he might approach Towhee, but only when the time was right. This wasn't just something he felt comfortable bringing up out of the blue.
In the few moments of silence that followed, his mind wandered...Without being given new stories to hear, or even the re-telling of a story he already knew, he felt himself once again wondering about Kiwi...It was the first real conversation he'd been able to have with anyone about her, and he felt that Wraen was possibly the only wolf he could really talk to about this. He assumed Towhee would feel the same way about Kiwi that Niamh did, and he was already aware that his mother wanted Kiwi dead. He wasn't sure that Phox would have been terribly close to her, and apart from those three...Who else was left, who had known Kiwi? There was Eljay, of course...But he was too afraid to ask Eljay questions about personal or upsetting things. Neither of them would make it through that conversation.
A thought- a dark, shadowy thing- made its way into his mind and he felt himself clam up. He felt lightly offended that such a thing should even enter his mind- but it was something deeply disturbing and troubling, and there was no better wolf to ask than Wraen. So, after taking a moment to steady himself on the brink of this new uncertainty that opened up before him like a bottomless gorge, he stared hard at the ground, and spoke.
"If...If I ever meet her...What do I do?" He asked. "I don't think Mom would forgive me, if I just...Let her go, but..." He said, and whatever control he'd managed to maintain this long finally started to slip away from him. "I can't hurt anyone, Wraen. I just can't," he confessed, which made his cheeks flush with heat, and his heart sink with shame. He was the son of the Sergeant-at-Arms, and one of the pack's guardians. He felt that there were certain expectations for him- and that he'd just confessed how truly inadequate he was, something he'd been keeping as a secret as long as he could remember. The truth bubbled out of him, disjunct and truncated.
"I made Nellie yelp once, and...I felt so bad. All I did was nip her...And I've never really been able to spar with her since and I like sparring with Towhee but...If I do, actually, accidentally hurt her, I just...I can't keep sparring, it just makes me feel sick and I have to stop...And then there was this...Guy. And he...I caught him, and he was attacking Sugar Glider...So I knocked him offa her, and I fought him, and I...I got him by the throat. I could've hurt him- I could've killed him, I could've killed him...I could've killed him...Mom...Would've killed him. And I felt like I was supposed to be like her...But I'm not. And I couldn't, so...I let him go." He said. "I don't..." He started, but then he trailed off, and decided to reiterate that thought.
"I know I'm good at fighting, and defending, and guarding...But if it means I have to kill someone...I can't do it."
June 03, 2020, 02:47 PM
Wraen wished she could tell Bronco about, what had happened in the aftermath of Colt's fight with Kiwi, but knew that this was not the right time to show her vulnerability, her own doubts about her actions. Niamh's son looked up to her, but he would not understand, why she had let Wildfire's daughter go, especially since, she herself did not have all the answers. Had the old Blackthorn not have died - perhaps, things could have turned out differently. Had she approached him sooner about this - who knew, where she would have been now. Things were, what they were. They were crap, to be honest.
But, what struck her the most, was that Bronco was not asking her for truth, he thought that his inability to murder was a weakness. He was conflicted between, who he was and what he thought his mother wished him to be. Tough, strong, just like her, but did he really believe that even Niamh was so invincible? It probably had to do with him being still very much an inexperienced young person in adult wolf's body. He had not outgrown yet the phase, where he idolized his parents, where they could not do anything wrong. It would take a lot more time to grow up and for him to realize that even his mother was just a wolf being, that she had her flaws and she was not always right.
In just another flash of clarity, she realized that Bronco was very much like Arcturus in that way. The latter too had believed that he had to live up to the expectations of his dead parents and ideals of Moonspear. Now he was healing and had still not yet recovered. The two would have a lot to discuss, even if they came from two very different backgrounds. "Bronco, I think it will help you a great deal in the future, if you understand now that you do not have to live up to anyone's ideas of who you should be," Wraen began. "If your mom elects to kill - that is her choice, but not the absolute truth. If you choose to act on, what feels fundamentally right to you, there is no shame in taking that route. Regardless of, what others might think of you," perhaps this would be her answer to the "Why?" of the whole Kiwi situation.
"Finding your way life is neither easy, nor straightforward. There are far more shades of gray than blacks and whites. And - yes - you will come in conflict with many people for following, what you believed to be the right thing, but stand your ground and do not let anyone push you into doing something that you do not wish to do," Wraen said. "Do not believe for a second that taking a life of another sentient being will leave you unchanged. Even if the death sentence was justified, you will have that person's life on your conscience. It will ghost you. There are other ways of punishment, murder should never be the first option."
But, what struck her the most, was that Bronco was not asking her for truth, he thought that his inability to murder was a weakness. He was conflicted between, who he was and what he thought his mother wished him to be. Tough, strong, just like her, but did he really believe that even Niamh was so invincible? It probably had to do with him being still very much an inexperienced young person in adult wolf's body. He had not outgrown yet the phase, where he idolized his parents, where they could not do anything wrong. It would take a lot more time to grow up and for him to realize that even his mother was just a wolf being, that she had her flaws and she was not always right.
In just another flash of clarity, she realized that Bronco was very much like Arcturus in that way. The latter too had believed that he had to live up to the expectations of his dead parents and ideals of Moonspear. Now he was healing and had still not yet recovered. The two would have a lot to discuss, even if they came from two very different backgrounds. "Bronco, I think it will help you a great deal in the future, if you understand now that you do not have to live up to anyone's ideas of who you should be," Wraen began. "If your mom elects to kill - that is her choice, but not the absolute truth. If you choose to act on, what feels fundamentally right to you, there is no shame in taking that route. Regardless of, what others might think of you," perhaps this would be her answer to the "Why?" of the whole Kiwi situation.
"Finding your way life is neither easy, nor straightforward. There are far more shades of gray than blacks and whites. And - yes - you will come in conflict with many people for following, what you believed to be the right thing, but stand your ground and do not let anyone push you into doing something that you do not wish to do," Wraen said. "Do not believe for a second that taking a life of another sentient being will leave you unchanged. Even if the death sentence was justified, you will have that person's life on your conscience. It will ghost you. There are other ways of punishment, murder should never be the first option."
June 09, 2020, 01:31 PM
While Wraen made it clear that he didn't necessarily have to become exactly what his Mom wanted him to be (or at least- what he thought she wanted him to be) he still felt as though he might be a failure if he gave up on the guardian trade. His worry was deeply rooted in the thought that he might actually be more of a liability than anything- if he failed to do what his pack needed him to do. If he was the one putting himself into a position that could beg for him to fight- and he failed- then he would have failed the pack. Perhaps, he wondered, that job was best left to wolves who had the right mindset for it, so that he didn't end up becoming another casualty, like his father.
He wondered what Wraen might think of him, if he did find Kiwi and kill her. Would she see him as a lesser wolf for having sought revenge? Would she think that he was unfit to ever lead a pack because he used violence as a means to find justice? While she seemed to say that she wouldn't begrudge him...He couldn't help but wonder exactly who she was referring to when she said that others might see him differently. He didn't want to be seen differently. He didn't want for others to look at him and see a killer.
In the end, he felt fairly convinced that Wraen did not condone using execution as a means for getting justice, as she warned of the long-term effects it might have. He blinked once, and looked up at her with a curious, wary gaze. "Have you ever...Killed anyone?"
He wondered what Wraen might think of him, if he did find Kiwi and kill her. Would she see him as a lesser wolf for having sought revenge? Would she think that he was unfit to ever lead a pack because he used violence as a means to find justice? While she seemed to say that she wouldn't begrudge him...He couldn't help but wonder exactly who she was referring to when she said that others might see him differently. He didn't want to be seen differently. He didn't want for others to look at him and see a killer.
In the end, he felt fairly convinced that Wraen did not condone using execution as a means for getting justice, as she warned of the long-term effects it might have. He blinked once, and looked up at her with a curious, wary gaze. "Have you ever...Killed anyone?"
June 11, 2020, 02:46 PM
"No, I have not. I have never been in a situation, where I had to make that choice, though..." Wraen paused, when a dim memory resurfaced, featuring Terance and Rannoch and other Sunspire wolves coming in conflict with Liffey, who had opposed killing a trespasser. She no longer remembered the details of the whole conflict. "So, I can't speak for everyone, nor am I in place to judge them," she added.
"There is a beast living in all of us," she went on, choosing her words carefully and turned to meet Bronco's gaze. "And I have felt it raise his ugly head, snarl and growl and ask for blood of the fellow kind. In certain situations. The beast sees the world in black and white, in right or wrong. There is no middle-road and he convinces you that there is only one way of dealing with things.
And it takes a great deal of self-control to keep the beast in check, not to let it guide your actions, corrupt your mind and make you do something you migth regret bitterly later," she said. "Because you cannot say afterwards - it was not me, it was the beast. You are in charge and you have to manage it," Wraen finished.
"In regards of Kiwi... try to think through all the possible outcomes. She might be stronger than you, she might kill you. She might have regretted doing, what she had. Perhaps, if you find her, she has a family of her own and killing her would mean that you take away a mother from her children. Perhaps, she has a pack, has friends, who will go after you," she speculated.
"It does not matter that you consider her worthless or that you think she deserves to be killed. Colt is dead and nothing will ever change that. You won't revive him, nor will you get praised by him for exerting justice. It will be just you and your deed and you will always wonder, whether you have done the right thing," Wraen said. "Always think about the bigger picture, about, how a single action of yours will start a chain of subsequent actions," she told him.
"The beast is unable to see the complexity of life. Be better than him," she finished and smiled at the young man.
"There is a beast living in all of us," she went on, choosing her words carefully and turned to meet Bronco's gaze. "And I have felt it raise his ugly head, snarl and growl and ask for blood of the fellow kind. In certain situations. The beast sees the world in black and white, in right or wrong. There is no middle-road and he convinces you that there is only one way of dealing with things.
And it takes a great deal of self-control to keep the beast in check, not to let it guide your actions, corrupt your mind and make you do something you migth regret bitterly later," she said. "Because you cannot say afterwards - it was not me, it was the beast. You are in charge and you have to manage it," Wraen finished.
"In regards of Kiwi... try to think through all the possible outcomes. She might be stronger than you, she might kill you. She might have regretted doing, what she had. Perhaps, if you find her, she has a family of her own and killing her would mean that you take away a mother from her children. Perhaps, she has a pack, has friends, who will go after you," she speculated.
"It does not matter that you consider her worthless or that you think she deserves to be killed. Colt is dead and nothing will ever change that. You won't revive him, nor will you get praised by him for exerting justice. It will be just you and your deed and you will always wonder, whether you have done the right thing," Wraen said. "Always think about the bigger picture, about, how a single action of yours will start a chain of subsequent actions," she told him.
"The beast is unable to see the complexity of life. Be better than him," she finished and smiled at the young man.
June 16, 2020, 03:24 PM
Relief washed over him like a cool veil of mist when Wraen admitted that she had never had to take another wolf's life. It would have changed the way that he saw her, even though he was also fairly certain that it wouldn't have made him respect her less...But even the thought of seeing Wraen kill another wolf made his stomach queasy, and made his skin feel prickly and cold. It was the same feeling he got when he'd hurt Nellie, and the day that he'd won the fight against the wolf who'd been attacking Sugar Glider.
He feared this thing that Wraen referred to as the beast- it made it seem like he would have to fight something more ominous than his own conscience, and he thought that maybe he knew what that beast felt like...But then again- he was too afraid to truly hurt another wolf for it to have ever taken complete control over him.
He hadn't stopped to consider how well armed Kiwi might be; and it made him all the more worried about possibly encountering her. He hoped that for the sake of everyone he loved that she was far away, and would never venture to the copse again- but part of him also hoped that she was without a family and living a miserable life. If perhaps his mother even knew that Kiwi was punishing herself, maybe, or that karma had seen fit to deny her the regular comforts and joys of family and pack life- maybe that would've been enough. Maybe that would be sufficient punishment- and it would mean that no more blood had to be shed.
When she smiled at him, he smiled faintly in response. All this talk about a supposed inner beast...It didn't make a lot of sense to him, when he considered how inflicting pain made him feel. "I think my inner beast's a coward," He admitted sheepishly, "But...I don't think that's a bad thing."
He feared this thing that Wraen referred to as the beast- it made it seem like he would have to fight something more ominous than his own conscience, and he thought that maybe he knew what that beast felt like...But then again- he was too afraid to truly hurt another wolf for it to have ever taken complete control over him.
He hadn't stopped to consider how well armed Kiwi might be; and it made him all the more worried about possibly encountering her. He hoped that for the sake of everyone he loved that she was far away, and would never venture to the copse again- but part of him also hoped that she was without a family and living a miserable life. If perhaps his mother even knew that Kiwi was punishing herself, maybe, or that karma had seen fit to deny her the regular comforts and joys of family and pack life- maybe that would've been enough. Maybe that would be sufficient punishment- and it would mean that no more blood had to be shed.
When she smiled at him, he smiled faintly in response. All this talk about a supposed inner beast...It didn't make a lot of sense to him, when he considered how inflicting pain made him feel. "I think my inner beast's a coward," He admitted sheepishly, "But...I don't think that's a bad thing."
June 26, 2020, 04:37 PM
The inner beast reference comes from Terry Pratchett's Samuel Vimes series. I think that "The Night Watch" explored it the most and was by war the best Vimes and Pratchett book. One of my favourites and the most thought provoking. :) Last post from me.
"Perhaps your own rational self keeps that beast in check," Wraen suggested, because the beast was not known for being afraid or scared of anything. It was all for acting out regardless of the consequences. "And I genuinely wish you to never face a situation, where you have to battle that beast. Truly," she said.
"You have a good heart, Bronco," Wraen drew the conversation to a close. "Don't let anything ever change that," she said, then got to her feet and stretched. "Well, whoever said that mental work was not comparable to the physical one, has not heard wolves in my belly howling," she told him. "Let's go eat!"
July 09, 2020, 12:29 PM
He felt reassured, knowing now that perhaps he wasn't the sort of wolf who would have to struggle with the beast that Wraen was referring to. Maybe he would be able to keep his temper in check, and avoid getting into a situation that would demand more of him than he was willing to handle. She suggested that they should go and find something to eat, and he stood, to go along with her. Before she could move away, though, he snuck forwards to nuzzle the underside of her muzzle, and lean briefly against her chest; an affectionate, appreciative gesture. "Thanks Wraen," He murmured, and gave her soft cheek a lick. He was lucky...She was so temperate compared to his mother, and so much easier to talk to. Off they went, then, with lighter chatter, to find a meal and share it peacefully.
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