Redsand Canyon dunefruit

tamar did not think she had ever felt so young.

@Maxim and @Towhee had moved into the married-housing, and no doubt there would be more children to come. tamar's jealousy was reckless and intense, though she attempted to school her expression as she brought for the newlyweds a snowy roll of long furs with a bundle of peeled birch sticks for the fragrant mattress. 

she set these things down outside the den and chuffed lightly for either of them.

Towhee had rarely slept alone in the past, so she took to shared accommodations like a duck to water. It didn’t really matter that she didn’t know Maxim well yet, she could still appreciate his companionship and warmth at night. As a matter of fact, she slept some of the best sleep of her life following their nuptials.

Returning from a very early patrol, Towhee found Tamar near the mouth of “The Maxhee Pad.” There was a bundle at her feet. Towhee gazed at it as she closed the distance, though she quickly moved her attention to the young woman’s pale features. Oh, she did remind her of her elder daughters.

Good morning, Tamar, how are you? Towhee queried with a wave of her tail, nodding down to acknowledge the gifts.

jump in any time w maxim if u want!

"towhee." the urge to bow to her superiors was still apparent/

tamar fought the impulse but found its existence at all annoying, and this frustration mingled with the first: that she would be the last to be mother, if it happened to her at all. they would all be done with their pregnancies by the time she —

"i am well." her smile attempted to lift the sudden grimness of her eyes. "i have brought you and maxim bedding, to share." the girl's ears twitched. "you both have congratulations from arsenio and from me."

the plebian glanced toward the doorframe. "may i?"

Thank you on both counts, Towhee replied, eyes lingering on Tamar’s face. Although she spoke sweetly, there was something amiss with her expression. The Praefectus couldn’t put her finger on it.

Sure, Towhee said, gesturing for the young woman to precede her into the humble quarters she shared with Maxim. She stepped to the side to give Tamar room, eyes flicking with interest to her gifts before crawling back up to her pale face.

Her tongue wanted to wag, to ask why there was a sadness lingering in Tamar’s eyes. But this wasn’t one of her daughters. In fact, they barely knew one another. Maybe she would feel out the situation a little more before outright asking.

It’s really awesome that you do this, she remarked, gesturing at the bundle. Know that it’s appreciated.

tamar went to work.

she lay out the branches first, arranging them quietly to her desire.

"i have discovered a taste for it."

next the pelts, unrolled and smoothed over the top into a fitting, wide mattress. tamar ran her paw over it a fourth time. she did not yet know how to look at towhee. her eyes felt heavy with envy and tiredness.

"housekeeping. that is what the matrona calls it."

She fell silent, watching with interest as Tamar worked. First, she laid out several branches, then unrolled the skins and set them over top. It made for a spacious sleeping mat, large enough for Towhee and Maxim, perhaps even a litter. If she needed to punt him out of bed to fit the kids, that was fine.

Towhee saw Tamar’s lips move, but since the woman didn’t face her, she didn’t catch anything she said. Could you look this way and repeat that? she requested patiently, trying to remember if she’d ever informed Tamar of her deafness. She sort of assumed it was common knowledge, though maybe not. I can’t read your lips unless you face me, she explained, just in case, making a motion at her useless ears.

tamar wanted to cringe.

instead she gathered all her bravery and turned toward towhee. "the matrona calls it housekeeping, what i do." the coverlet needed nothing else and yet her paw was still upon it.

tamar told herself she must pull together. her spine was ramrod straight when she rose to duck out of their shelter.

"if you need anything else, we are neighbors now." she tried to smile.

The mechanical way Tamar moved while obliging her made Towhee suddenly worried that she’d done something to offend her. She paused, thinking back over this brief encounter, but drew a blank. Surely it had nothing to do with her, though now her morbid curiosity was getting the better of her.

Tamar seemed ready to leave, so Towhee spoke up quickly. Hey, before you go, can I ask you something? It’s none of my beeswax but… is everything okay?

that was all it took for the dam to break again.

tamar carried too much from akashingo.

tears stung her eyes, and as with glaukos, she turned away, swiping furiously at them. "i was hoping my time would come, but —" she rolled her shoulders. "somehow it makes me feel worthless that it has not."

her wet eyes rested warily upon towhee now. tamar did not care to show others her burdening.

Towhee very nearly missed Tamar’s reply, since she turned away again to swipe at her eyes. But the Praefectus followed the movement carefully this time, catching most of the words. For a moment, she couldn’t parse them, though. Your time for—? she thought, almost aloud, when it clicked.

She drew in a sharp breath, the woman’s expression causing a long forgotten ache to echo deep inside Towhee. She blew out the breath, eyeing Tamar, trying to guess her age. Had she, like Towhee of yore, gone through a heat only to bear no fruit?

But Tamar looked young to her, young enough perhaps that perhaps her season simply hadn’t come yet. Towhee could empathize on that level too. It could be hard here in Mereo, watching everyone couple up and pop out kids, some of them by complete accident, while sitting here and waiting for nature to run its course. The FOMO was real.

Hey, Towhee spoke up after a moment’s thought, catching those teary eyes, your worth is not defined by your ability to have children. She paused, just in case she was barking up the wrong tree entirely here, then continued, But I totally understand how you feel. She thought about mentioning her own saga, though somehow she didn’t think telling Tamar she’d gone more than a year thinking she was barren would be very reassuring. Instead, she said, It is hard to be patient while feeling sidelined. That said, I’m sure your time will come. Is this your second year?

towhee seemed to understand.

tamar had both suspected and longed for this recognition. it made her face feel hot once more, as if the weeping would come all the same.

her worth. tamar had not thought of it. in akashingo she had been an object. in mereo she was a wife. but the girl still felt that arsenio deserved children. her want to give him sons and daughters was fierce.

the young plebian looked at the older woman again, this time letting her gaze hold. she shook her head in a state of unknowingness.

"not yet. it is — when spring is longer. when the yellow flowers bloomed from the sand. that is when i was born." closer to summer. tamar wished she could convey this better.

Oh yeah, Towhee replied, then there’s still some time. I’m sure it’ll happen for you, Tamar, she reassured, although I totally get why you might feel kinda ‘meh’ in the meantime. It’s hard when it’s not happening for you, while everyone else is out there getting knocked up, sometimes by accident. Of course, she held nothing against Aquene or her situation, she just knew what it was like. Towhee was still waiting on her own heat too.

There was really nothing either of the could do except continue waiting, which of course was hard. In lieu of anything else particularly helpful, Towhee decided to say, You remind me so much of my older daughters in your looks, though you definitely favor Meerkat in demeanor. She’s going to make a wonderful mother and I bet you will too, Tamar. I’m probably biased but that’s also based on what I know of you so far, which, she concluded, indicating the fresh bedding, is that you’re attentive and doting. You like to take care of others.

towhee said so many things that she could not keep up.

first the older woman sought to give assurance and understanding.

next she was speaking of a daughter, and the feeling of being daughterly so affected tamar that her jaw tensed and she could not hear all of what towhee was saying. she was thinking of her own mother.

"ah — thank you, towhee," she managed. "i think that when the time comes, i will do well. i will have you and lady ruenna to teach me."

you like to take care of others. when had she not? was this what she wished to be all her days? towhee said she would be mother.

but dread coiled inside her gut. what if it truly did not come to pass? "do you have many children?" tamar asked next, wanting to push the focus from herself.

You will, Towhee concurred, pleased that Tamar felt confident in this, as she should. And, of course, her second observation was true as well. Idly, Towhee wondered if she was more experienced as a mother or a warrior.

She didn’t expect the question, not that it was an unexpected one. I helped my brother raise his eldest two after his first mate died, so I’m their mother for all intents and purposes. But Meerkat is technically my firstborn. The same year she was born, my brother’s second mate also had a batch and we raised them altogether. When was the last time anyone had called her Towma? Biting back the slight ache of that, she continued, Then I had the three last year. Six, actually, but she didn’t want to burden Tamar, just like she didn’t mention how both Phox and herself had been robbed of their chance to raise his latest litter.

And, she said after a brief pause to give the younger woman a chance to add that up in her head if she liked, more to come, even though I would’ve sworn I was finished after last year. I guess I just can’t resist the siren call of motherhood… Or, more likely, the season.

towhee spoke of an expansive family that tamar had only known in her youth.

"your clan is very large and very powerful," she breathed. the way that the older woman spoke of her relatives was only with fondness.

and she meant to be mother again!

tamar smiled, ignoring the pinch of jealousy. "then the matrona will not be alone. i think that she will like this."

She supposed Tamar’s observation was true. She felt a flicker of pride, though it always came with a sense of nostalgia these days, so she quickly focused on the next words out of the woman’s mouth.

I hope you’re right. More playmates for yours too, Towhee added with a slight cant of her head. I’m sure all our futures are brimming with play dates. She could already imagine the chaos. For everyone’s sake, she hoped nobody had too huge a litter.

the girl dipped her muzzle.

"it has been a long time since i was surrounded by children. i was used to many siblings and many cousins." a little chuckle now to think of it, one that slowly faded as she remembered her mother's face.

"what is it like to feel them move inside you? children," tamar asked in an unexpected blurt.

For me? Particularly rambunctious gas, Towhee replied after a brief pause to consider the question. The timing might have been a little random, though it wasn’t really an unexpected line of inquiry, given the topic of conversation. Not usually as painful as gas, though sometimes it feels like they’re kicking your organs. I’m not sure if that’s actually possible. Aquene might know.

That made her wonder if Tamar would ask about childbirth next. Towhee would be happy to share whatever information the young woman sought, though some of it would be downright graphic. Yeah, pushing pups out of the birth canal was no picnic but everybody knew that. There were lesser known evils of parenthood beyond that, like cleaning up messes with nothing but your tongue and chapped, bleeding nipples, for starters…

tamar was pensive and quiet.

"my mother was a midwife. i went with her to three births, when i was a child." her voice was soft. she wants to speak of those times but she did not want towhee to ask about them.

she was not sure how she could answer.

"i was too young to remember all of what happened. but i do know that sometimes children do not survive. and sometimes mothers do not. i think i am frightened a little of those things."

Towhee’s lips pursed when Tamar spoke of the much more serious risks of childbearing. She nodded, thinking of how to respond to that valid concern without frightening the young woman.

My mother died giving birth to my litter. And I’ve lost children, she stated frankly. Neither one of these things has deterred my desire to be a mother, for whatever that’s worth. There’s always a risk… but it’s worth the reward.

After pondering a moment, Towhee pointed out, It’s normal to feel a bit nervous, especially as a first-time mother. It’d be weirder if you weren’t. But I think you’re in some of the best possible circumstances, with a good support system in place, including a talented healer.

tamar understood towhee meant to be pragmatic.

but her opening sentence filled the girl with dread. she wanted to clench at her own stomach. and she hardly took the rest of what the guardian was saying.

she managed a quick smile. "i am happy to have aquene, and to learn from her." nausea, welling. she cleared her throat. "do you and your husband need anything else for your den, towhee?" tamar wanted to run away.

Tamar smiled, though Towhee saw the lines of stress in her fair features. She hoped she’d struck a good balance, providing knowledge without ramping up the young woman’s fear. But she couldn’t be sure she’d succeeded.

Although she internally cringed at the term “husband,” Towhee didn’t bother correcting Tamar, nor would she refute it when others used it, as she knew they would. Terms like that seemed to be unique to Mereo’s vernacular.

No, thank you, she replied with a dip of her head, intuiting that she would depart now. My door’s always open if you ever want to talk more, she added.

<3

"thank you," tamar said with genuine fondness.

a moment. a dip of her head. and then she was turning and headed for her own densite and its coolness, where perhaps she could retch and cry alone at the things she still did not comprehend.
tamar felt stagnant.