The Sentinels Boarfish

Stars glittered overhead and the trees called out on the wind. 

Swordfish rose from sleep, lifting his head to stare groggily at the deep wood. The remnants of fire still clung to the territory. The bear-hunter did not know what tragedy had taken the Sentinels. He did not wish to know. 

Stepping into the unfamiliar forest on softly placed hunter’s steps, Swordfish followed the scent of boar. The winds carried its fragrance and lured him deeper.

Following her confessional with Rodyn, Towhee didn’t head home to the copse. Instead, she struck out for the neighboring forest. She wondered if the buffalo skin was still caught in a tree. Perhaps the rain or wind had driven it from its perch after all this time, though she would have to wait until morning to search. It was getting dark now.

She found a place to rest and fell asleep despite her busy thoughts. When she stirred awake sometime later, Towhee blinked groggily into the forest. It was the middle of the night. She wasn’t sure why she’d woken, though she sensed a presence nearby. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she stood.

Towhee began to move, stepping slowly through the black woods. Her orange eyes gleamed, cutting to and fro through the trees, peeled for anything moving out in the darkness.

Crickets hummed their song while the sound of the waves softened. Deeper into the Sentinels the young hunter traveled, trailing after the smell of pig. The young wolf’s ears swiveled, heightened by the hunting drive to capture signs of any sound in the forest. It was not sound that drew his gaze toward the stalking woman. It was a momentary flash of moonlight against a glinting orange eye.

Swordfish stiffened before hunkering down, low to the earth where he held his frame as still as stone. The darkness did well to conceal the other wolf. Her scent was faint and the bear-hunter thought it only accidental that they might cross trails. The cursed words of Lestan hummed in his head.

Could this be Blossom?

A quiet chuff sounded out, revealing the young hunter.

A familiar odor threaded into her nose, though Towhee wasn’t interested in hunting right now. She paused in a bar of moonlight piercing through the treetops, salted shoulders sagging a little. Perhaps a wild pig had ventured past her sleeping spot, rousing her.

Towhee turned, prepared to wander back to her makeshift bed. She wondered if it might still be warm. She didn’t hear the soft woof behind her, though a new scent joined the porcine smell on the slight breeze. It belonged to a wolf, that realization prompting her to turn her head and comb her dark surroundings again.

Her orange eyes fixed on two blue ones glittering in the darkness like a pair of sapphires. Towhee rapidly pivoted to face the skulking figure, trying to pluck out details despite the dark. She could only make out a shaded face above a paler chest.

The two stood, regarding each other with gemstone eyes that peered through the darkness - garnet and sapphire.

Swordfish eased himself up from his crouched position. The faint moonlight brushed across his face, peering down through leaves and branches to illuminate the young bear-hunter. The hairs along his back rose with suspicion. Though he could scarcely make out her shape, there were portions of her coat that caught his gaze.

Familiarity soured in his belly. He knew her… but he did not know her.

Hey, the yearling wuffed out in a lame, monotonous voice. Have ya seen a girl called Blossom?

If he ignored the sensation of knowing her, perhaps it would pass.

Towhee’s eyes never left the figure as it—he, going by scent—slowly stood. Moonlight fell across his face, bringing his features into sharper relief. He looked strangely familiar. Her eyes tracked over the spiny fur on his back, catching a glimpse of his reddish tail, and her lips parted at the striking resemblance to Skipjack.

Her gaze cut back to his face when she saw his lips moving. He asked after someone named Blossom. Towhee blinked, then shook her head. Her eyes ate into his face, her own slowly transforming into something very closely resembling Sudden Clarity Clarence.

FISH?! she blurted, unaware that she half-shouted.

FISH?!

The word hung in the air, loud, ringing from the trees and in his ears and mind and chest…

Fear spiked from his belly, urging him to run. The feeling spread to his legs, tingling along each thread of hair he wore. The fur at his neck bristled slightly.

Swordfish turned his head, away from her and the shimmering light of the moon that had illuminated his face. The young wolf did not know what to do or how to respond. Silence seemed like the best option. The bear-hunter allowed it to fill the air, daunting enough that even the hum of crickets had become softer.

What d’ya want? the boy grunted. When his eyes shifted back to her, they glimmered coldly.

He reacted to the name like an accusation. Only then did Towhee realize she must’ve spoken too loudly. Her ears drew back and she grimaced slightly, though her expression cleared a moment later. It wore a look of naked wonder as she gaped at the young man.

She opened her mouth to say something when his averted eyes met hers again, suddenly cold. Towhee didn’t understand that any better than the question that fell from his lips. She couldn’t hear tone, though the look on his face said everything.

Don’t you know who I am? she asked. I’m your grandmother, Towhee. Your parents— She ran out of breath, sucked in another one noisily. They don’t know whether you’re dead or alive, which was a funny way to word it, she realized even as the words tumbled from her mouth.

Grandmother Towhee, that was it.

Swordfish recalled faded memories of their meeting. Frustration welled inside him, for he couldn’t make out details or depth. Everything was misty, clouded over by a heavy fog so that he could only see flashes. It gave him little to work with. It also left him feeling like there was something severely wrong with him.

How could he have lived in those moments and then forgotten them?

They’re alright? S-Safe?

The wavering in his voice forced his ears to flatten atop his head.

It didn’t get them? Breathless, tears pricked at the back of his eyes.

Now he looked… constipated. Emotionally constipated? Towhee’s inner voice suggested. She swallowed what felt like a hysterical laugh, still staring at her grandson like she was seeing a ghost. Not inaccurate, that little voice said and she gulped down another giggle.

Yes! she answered perhaps too loudly again, though what did she care at this point? They’re living in Sun Mote Copse. I can take you to them.

She suddenly wondered what he meant by “it.” Towhee tried to jog her memory. Swordfish had been missing for so long. She hadn’t been there when he’d vanished. She only knew what had happened from Meerkat.

When the details still wouldn’t come to her, she decided her answer still sufficed and waited for Fish to just say the word. Towhee couldn’t wait to see the look on Meerkat’s face when she returned home with her long-lost son in tow.

Towhee was loud. This was not something that he remembered, though he thought it was prominent enough to stick in his mind. She said that they were in a place called Sun Mote Copse and then she offered to take him to them.

Swordfish’s mouth gaped slightly. Worry creased his young face.

They were safe. They had survived the bear and they were living together. He wondered about Stingray but he did not ask Towhee. Thoughts cluttered in the young man’s mind, overwhelming him, pushing him closer and closer to shutting down. He’d only been looking for Blossom. He hadn’t anticipated he might find family.

I- I can’t.

Swordfish looked over his shoulder. Lestan had been left sleeping poorly by the rocks on the beach. If he left the man there…

I’m- I’m helpin’ someone. Someone that needs it- needs it bad.

Pain gripped him. He wanted to see his mother. He wanted to bury his face in the plush of her chest and weep for all the time he had believed they were dead. He wanted to see the blue eyes of his brother, to know that Ray was safe and healthy and happy.

Yer sure they’re alright? The bear…

What? Towhee asked, more sharply than intended.

He explained, only his face was turned away. Between that and the darkness, Towhee didn’t catch a word he said. She didn’t even realize he’d spoken.

Why not? she demanded, trying to lower her voice but unsure if she succeeded.

“The bear…”

Oh, right, the bear. Towhee sucked in a breath, her eyes flicking to the marks on the boy’s—the young man’s—hide. She remembered now, at least what Meerkat had told her.

They’re perfectly safe and happy, though they’ll be even happier when they see you. Don’t you want to see them? And Ray? He’s there too. You have younger brothers and sisters as well. Well, mostly sisters. But a baby brother who looks just like you. Come with me. Come see them. Come home.

Why not?

I just told ya!

The boy was facing her fully when he said this. He didn’t understand why she hadn’t heard him the first time and he wasn’t fond of repeating himself.

What Towhee said next had blunted his frustration. Swordfish gazed at her and took in a quaking breath of air through his nose. The boy felt the quivering in his legs, the lightness of his head. All that time and he’d been convinced that the bear had taken them all. He’d been away so long and had believed in their death so often that it had become truth.

They’re perfectly safe and happy-

Perfectly safe and happy…

Swordfish clenched his teeth to keep himself from crying. There was a burning in the back of his throat, scorching like wildfire on dry leaves. What was he supposed to do? If they were happy, he did not want to tarnish it. On his flesh he carried the memories of a monster. In his eyes he carried hatred for it.

Just- Just tell me where they are. An’ when I’ve done this work I’ll-

Swordfish fell silent.

Her head reared back a little, as if she could hear his shout. Of course, she couldn’t, though she picked up on the exasperation. He didn’t realize she was deaf, of course he didn’t. They’d only met once or twice, so long ago.

I’m deaf, she explained, and I didn’t catch what you said. Can you please look right at me and repeat it? Why can’t you come?

After that clarification, Swordfish asked her to tell her where to find them, implying he would come to the copse after he was done with this task. Towhee felt a little dismayed. She couldn’t just leave here without him. What would she say to her daughter? Would Meerkat find any comfort in knowing Fish was keeping a promise to someone?

Searches can go on forever, Towhee said, trying not to air her true feelings about such futile undertakings. How long do you plan to look for her?

Great, he’d yelled at his deaf grandmother.

She asked him to repeat it, speaking directly at her. Swordfish struggled with eye contact. He’d never done well at looking someone in the face and speaking. The young wolf steadied himself, hoping he could recover from his fumbling efforts to communicate with his grandma. He knew concern on her voice. He knew it from memories of his mother.

There’s this guy, Swordfish swung his snout toward the beach and then forced himself to face her, who’s real messed up. Lost his daughter an’ I found him blubberin’ in the water.

The irony was not lost on him. He had been a lost child, after all. Would Towhee accept this as a reason not to follow her? She hadn’t seen Lestan. She hadn’t seen the way he scrambled about, unzipping his frantic little mind into the sand.

He needs help. And… I ain’t gonna leave him without tryin’.

How long their efforts would go, he could not say.

It was noble, she supposed, wanting to help this man find his daughter. But it frustrated Towhee immensely. How much time had she wasted looking for wayward wolves throughout her life? She wanted to warn her grandson against such fruitless endeavors. Someone who went missing would turn up or they wouldn’t.

Case in point: Swordfish had reappeared after a great deal of time. And Towhee couldn’t possibly lose track of him. If she went back to the copse without him, it would break Meerkat’s heart all over again. And what if he never came to see them? What if her daughter went looking for him herself, only for Fish to vanish again? Every possibility turned Towhee’s stomach.

I can’t go back without you. It would kill your parents, she said baldly to him. I’ll help you look for this Blossom, but at some point, we have to go to the copse. This guy? The one you want to help? Blubbering in the water? That’s how your mom and dad have felt for the past couple years.

That’s how your mom and dad have felt for the past couple years.

Something like fire licked through Swordfish. He raised his head and pinned his deep ocean gaze on his grandmother with shocking defiance.

Did she not think he’d carried the rabid dog of grief inside him all that time? The guilt he had forced upon himself was waves worse than anything she might attempt. Hearing that his family was alive had been like dropping the young man into glacial waters. Swordfish had spent all that time believing that the bear had taken them and so the bear had been punished. Still, the young man had carried the weight of his loss.

Don’t.

Part of him was grateful that she could not hear the way his voice cracked, could only see the thin-lipped expression that followed.

Don’t tell me they’re safe an’ happy an’ then try to twist me to follow ya. That ain’t right. That ain’t fair. None of this was.

I’m helpin’ this poor idiot find his daughter an’ then I’ll find ya. Yer not invited.

Swordfish swung his head away from her before he recalled she would not be able to hear him. He looked back over his shoulder, blue eyes filled with hurt.

Ya don’t have to tell ‘em, y’know. Let ‘em go on bein’ happy.

The bear-hunter began his trek back to the beach, diverting his path so that he would not lead Towhee directly to Lestan.

Now it was her turn to feel exasperated. Perhaps it was uncharitable of her, yet Towhee couldn’t reconcile the fact that her grandson didn’t want to immediately drop everything to see his parents and the rest of his family. He would rather help this stranger.

Now he was rejecting her offer to help. Towhee’s face contorted. What was wrong with him? Before she could think of what to say, he turned away from her.

Hey! What the f—do you even know where the copse is? she shouted at his back, running to catch up to him. You think I can keep finding you a secret from her? The hell?! HEY! STOP!

It did little to shake her persistence, it seemed.

Swordfish rolled his eyes, hearing his grandmother shout at him while she trotted to tail behind where he sulked. Did he know where the copse was? No. If he could sniff out a bear, following it miles and miles into the wild terrain then he imagined he could find the place where his family had settled down.

Towhee asked if he thought she could keep finding him a secret. The boy spun on his heels and faced her with an accusatory curling of his lip.

She ain’t gonna ask. An’ if she don’t ask ya… there’s no reason to say anythin’ about it.

When the boy’s ocean stare slipped down, to the earth and the roots of the trees, he wondered if Towhee would race back to them with disappointing news. She’d found Meerkat’s son! But he was a sour and hurt boy trapped in a man’s body and instead of racing home to his long lost family, he opted to sulk in the woods with a lunatic.

’Sides, ya didn’t find Fish, the taste of his name on his tongue was like poison. Ya found Shardik.

Swordfish waited to see if she would attempt to fight with him again, attempt to slice through his excuses with the blade of reason.

He stopped and spun. Her heart twinged with relief, even though every time he looked at her like that, Towhee felt a little like he’d slapped her in the face. Nevertheless, she persisted.

If I don’t tell her, then she finds out later that I knew you were here, she’d feel betrayed. And she’d be right, Fish. Keeping this from her, Towhee insisted, thrusting a paw toward his chest without touching it, would be a hideous betrayal.

His eyes fell and she wondered if her message had landed. She didn’t like sending him on a guilt trip, though Towhee would not apologize for trying to reunite a long-lost child with his parents.

When he looked up again and refuted his name, Towhee’s face scrunched and she said only, Explain?

So what?

Swordfish hissed through his teeth and shook his head. What she said hurt. It twinged in his chest like a twisting knife that he couldn’t pull out without leaving a gaping, sucking hole. Why did she have to persist like this? Why did she have to keep trying to push him back to them? And what would she say if she saw this hollow, broken shell of her boy?

Ya think keepin’ that from her would be a betrayal. How about goin’ back to her and sayin’ that ya found me! But I didn’t wanna go wit’ya.

The hairs on the back of his neck felt electric.

What’yda think she’d say to that? How would that feel to a mother who had moved on, who was happy?

When she asked him to explain, Swordfish clicked his tongue to the roof of his mouth and sighed. He’d been Shardik longer than he had been Swordfish, it felt like. Even before he’d picked up on the monster’s trail and followed, he had been called Shardik by the creek wolves.

Towhee wanted to know so much, she wanted to push and poke and persuade. It was beginning to feel like a cage that he had no means of escaping.

I killed the bear. The boy’s eyes were intent on her features. This is something he would not repeat, whether she heard it or not. I killed the bear an’ took its soul just like I thought it had taken her’s. An’ now I wear its name. It’s mine. No one could take that from him.

She made no response to his riposte. More and more, Towhee was realizing that was going to be exactly what happened. He was putting her in a horrible position, not that he seemed to care. She replayed the visual of his lips forming the words, “So what?” and she winced at their callousness.

Towhee stared as his story unfolded. He’d killed a bear? Singlehandedly? The same bear he’d thought had killed his entire family. She took several moments just to marvel at this, when a realization crept up on her and pounced in a way that reminded her of that she-wolf’s attack from behind some months ago.

You don’t actually want to see them, do you. It didn’t come out as a question. You don’t care where the copse is, because if I leave here without you, you don’t actually have any plans to come find it. You…

He’d just said it: he wasn’t Swordfish anymore. He wasn’t Meerkat’s and Njord’s son. He was someone else entirely. Towhee grappled with this realization. She felt like she might puke. She could only hope that her daughter would find some comfort in knowing he was alive.

Towhee’s words were spoken with a weight of understanding. And though the young man tried to harden himself against them, he could not spare the tender sliver of his heart that held onto the image of his mom’s face and the loving looks she had blessed him with on so many hard days.

The boy’s bitterness had foundation, though he could not understand that he had pushed himself into this corner. Hellbent on revenge for a family who was safe and sound in their copse. He had other siblings. Ray was there. The more he thought about what his grandmother had told him, the less he belonged. While he had been adamant about shirking her offers and pushing her away, Swordfish couldn’t help but linger on this.

You…

Could she not see how much it hurt him? Could she not see past the puffed-up attempt to harden himself? That there was still a small scared boy in his body. A boy who had never been given the chance to heal from the trauma he had endured.

Ya said they’re happy, he croaked. Tears burned at his eyes but he would not allow himself to crack, to let them fall. Ah- Just want ‘em to stay that way.

The ghost of their child returning would bring nothing but hurt.

That doesn’t mean they don’t miss you every day, Towhee implored, her own eyes growing sad when she saw the tears in his. They named a lake after you: Fish’s Loch. Your mom, she howled for you every single day for a while after you disappeared. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, Fish—dik, I’m telling you this so you know how much you’re still loved and missed.

If he didn’t want to see his family, whatever his reasons, then Towhee knew it would be a terrible idea to force him. That would only hurt them all the worse. She swallowed thickly, her body language reluctantly signaling acceptance and defeat as she took a step back.

Just tell me where they're at...

Even if he didn't find them, knowing where they were tucked away would give him substantial peace of mind. He could search through every copse in the wilds without coming across them. If Towhee would give up their location, at least he’d have the option. Maybe when he’d sorted the mess of rats in his head, he could find them and apologize and explain why he was gone so long.

Nothin’s gotta be decided right now.

Swordfish needed to know where the copse was.