Northstar Vale anugivaalua ❅

when the spring returned, the den that @Agana and kukutux had chosen for their homeplace would overlook a vast sprawling carpet of wildflowers. for now, however, it was a somber expanse of frozen grass and dying leaves. today kukutux dragged the end of a fallen pine bough over them, attempting to whisk them out of the way as she drew her burden to the denmouth.

her fine skins, her dried fish and meat — these things had been lost in the flood. and with hunting so scarce, the duck did not have as many furs as she would have liked. thus she had created a sleeping place from pine branches and the last of soft sedges, overlaid with what few skins she had managed to collect.

whatever meat with which agana returned, kukutux had taken to setting out a small portion, to dry in whatever sunlight was available. today was no exception; the duck had woken before dawn and set about clearing snow in a path, rabbitfur hugging her shoulders as always, and a low humming in her throat as she made plans to seek out herbs on the far side of the vale.

Agana had been a way for a few hours now; sometimes, she would be away days at a time. Prey was scarce, times were hard; she would catch from time to time some small birds or fish, hardly ever ground beings. The earth’s movements had stopped, it was quiet now; too quiet. Perhaps it was finally the time to move on with their lives and accept whatever happened was the heaven’s wrath.
 
Catching fish would be suicide on such weather; most bird had gone south for the winter, or because of the shakes, they left their nests. She tried to be optimistic, that she might find something, but there was simply nothing; as if the ground swallowed them whole. A heavy sigh escaped her lips as she approached the den she uses to call home.
 
Facing Kukutux was hard; she was counting on her to find something to fill their belly with, and her mouth was empty. Agana padded until she was just across her, golden gaze turned away to the sleeping place; “This looks cozy. I bet it feels just the same,” her tone tried to be cheerful, happy for the littlest details, a fake smile on her soft features desperately trying to hide her true emotions.
 
Eventually, Agana shook her head, golden gaze rose to face the pearl, hoping she would not be disappointed in her.

kukutux had never before been disappointed by agana, and would not begin now. the emptiness of her companion's jaws emphasized the scarcity of the land, but she danced forward on small paws all the same. "i wanted ... smell the air," the duck murmured, for the air of their little shelter was now laden with the scent of pine.

but agana was not happy, and kukutux' features fell into worry. "i have a little meat stored," she murmured, hoping to cheer the stressed expression of the woman she had come to think of as tigiakpak. "it will not be this way forever," kukutux implored, jadestone eyes searching agana's gilded stare.

Agana rose her muzzle, the scent of pine filling her nose. She liked the smell of pine, it calmed her; however, she was unsure of how her sleep would be with this powerful smell filling her nose. Still, the grey female appreciated the pearl’s efforts, and returned her smile. “Pine,” she stated, “I like it.”

Of course Kukutux noticed her sadness; maybe because her jaws were empty, or because her fake expression of positivity was not good enough. She sighed, lowered her head as the mask fell of her face, revealing her true emotions. “I did not find a single piece of meat,” silence, “It’s as if all of them were swallowed by the earth,” silence.

”I know, but..” Eventually, Agana rose her head with shame to face the pearls jade gaze, eyebrows frowning, “I am sorry... I tried,” but I failed.

the spirit-voice whispered again: even the hunter of seals did not care half so much what you thought of him, and beneath her pale fur bloomed a blush the hue of cerise rosebuds.

"i do not need you to be sorry, agana," kukutux said softly, meandering to where she kept their meager stores in the frozen earth.
"i am your —"

voice cut away sharply as the duck caught what she had been about to blurt, and fell into a shocked silence, gathering frozen bits of fish from their larder.

It has been a fail, indeed; but being sorry and crying for mercy from the heavens did not help her before, and will not help her now. Agana showed a faint smile on her lips, a shower of relief in her, golden gaze turning away, then back on the pearl. She was grateful; grateful for her home, grateful for her life, grateful for her new-found companion that never once left her.
 
Eyes widened, processing; what did she mean? Golden gaze attempted to read her, but whatever she meant was an enigma to her. The cloud-breathing woman approached her slowly, slow movements until she reached her. Her lips parted to speak, but no words left them; then, with a swift movement she backed away, golden gaze still on her. For once, she managed to speak, “You are,” and that’s all that left her throat, heavy breathing, heart racing like a blizzard.

ducking down her head, kukutux sought her work, gathering the iced pieces onto a slip of bark and breathing upon the whole to thaw it before she turned back to agana.

the other woman wore an expression that fluttered kukutux' heart; she dropped her gaze demurely and nosed the small meal toward the silent she-wolf.

you are

but how could she know? such a thing was unheard of. such a thing was surely forbidden, and kukutux has been given her fill of angered spirits.

"please, eat," the duck invited softly, unable to keep her jadeglow eyes from flickering up toward agana once more.

Agana remained silent, the words that just left her lips still running in her head. You are, but who are you? You are, you are, you are. She shook her head, but did not dare to meet her gaze anymore. Turning away, a heavy sigh left her breathless as she frowned. Still, it felt right; the ‘you are’ felt right.
 
Hearing her voice sent goosebumps to her spine as she took a deep breath and slowly turned back to her. ”I will eat, as long as you do so too,” a request, eyeing her expressions, her face, her beautiful jadestone gaze.

she remained at their hearth when agana hunted, unless she herself wished to fill a cache or search for herbs in the frozen vale. it was she who dried the meat, who bit gristle from the furs so they could be used, she who ground the path and in the spring would bring flowers to crumple upon the floor of their den for a sweet scent.

and kukutux had done all this unconsciously, as taught by her mother and enforced by other women within the clan. from girlhood the duck had been raised to be a good wife, and she had played that role well within her husband's ulaq.

and now she had again a shelter of her own, rebuilt for the third time, and had settled into the same role, unthinkingly. 

under agana's suggestion, kukutux averted her eyes and took a piece of the cold trout, tucking it into her cheek. you are uilgagnaak, spoke the spirit. you shame those at the dancing lights to even consider it.

"i am what?" kukutux dared breathlessly, lifting her eyes to see the inscrutable within agana's own features.

After the pearl took a bite, she did so too. The food tasted well in her mouth, but it was not like freshly-ripped meat from a deer’s body. Still, it was enough to help her regain energy for the next hunting attempts. Hopefully, this time, she would refill some caches.

Golden gaze looked up to her, questioning. What was she to her? She did not have an answer, did not know how to answer. She remained silent, millions of thoughts running into her mind. Her heart raced as she shifted her weight nervously, chewing on her piece.

Then, she swallowed; her lips half parted to speak, but no words came out. Agana never felt such feelings before, she did not know what they were, what they mean. She had crushes before, but this was new; this wasn’t a crush, no. What was it then? But most importantly, what was she.. to her?

To Malena, she was a no one, a pale girl that got lucky to be saved from her doom; another simple creature that consumed the earth’s resources, just as she did. To Malena, she was another packmate that would serve her interests, a fool that would trust any word she spoke. But she was not Malena; never again.

To Agana, she was important, a pillar that she leaned on for support; a girl she trusted more than her own family. If it were to go back in time, she would do it again, even if she knew very well both could have died. Agana did not look back when she jumped to her rescue, did not look back when she shared her vision of the world to her, and will not back now.

The corners of her lips curled into a smile, a real one this time. She was ready to answer, whatever answer would be. “Tu ești” she began, trying to gather her words, “importantă” silence, “pentru mine.” Finally, her sentence was finished; it had been a while since she used her mother tongue, and she forgot some of the words.

Agana wanted her to hear her mother tongue aswell; the language she grew up with, her true nature. Golden gaze continued to stare at her, patiently waiting in her own misery, naked, she waited.

*utterly in love w this sound* reminds me of abel korzeniowski's work

she scarcely breathed, and though it was impolite to look so directly upon another person, she too was bare before agana's eyes.

the clipped language that rolled from slow-curved lips escaped the pearl by far, but there was one word kukutux truly recognized. and here rose the mantling to her cheeks yet again.

mine.

whether or not agana had meant it so, it unfurled into that truth within the duck, and lashes fell to veil her shocked expression. the spirit whispered teasingly — already she gave her companion the deference that befit a —

no.

and yet some lump in her throat, rising, rising; nostrils flared and kukutux could not keep her gaze from agana's soft glow. transported to the day the hunter of seals had come to her father's ulaq, with the last of her bride-price, the girl blinked softly, wonderingly up into gold.

this was altogether different.

this was against the tradition that had so honed the duck her young life.

and still came the violet bloom of the soft word inside her head, spreading warmth and elation through her submissive frame.

ayagax.

There were no words left between them, neither need they be. Heavily breathing, an ache in her heart for she had no knowledge of it meant; what was this sudden ache in every bit of her body, this sudden excitement that filled her wounded heart with joy. Wounded; she was wounded; and those wounds screamed wrong. But this; this moment, it felt right more than ever.
 
After her confession, she slowly moved closer to her, to feel her embrace like each night they share this made up den. Her own self longed for it, but it wasn’t lust, no, she felt that before. It was another sort of feeling, a feeling that came from the heart; a pure feeling that filled her insides with joy. Agana moved, closer and closer, until she was just in front of her.
 
But she was afraid; afraid if she felt her touch this time, she might feel repulsed by it, or reject it. Rejection, she experienced that before; not by some crushes she used to have twice a day, but by the one being she considered her closest companion; her cousin, she meant the world to her, until she shattered that impression in a matter of seconds. So she sealed her heart and her trust away, so no one could broke them again.
 
Once again, her heart broke from its bone cage, and back to its original position; and it made her feel again, just like before. A heavy breath escaped her lips, eyes soft on the pearl before her.

quietly she drew near; kukutux blinked, turning away her muzzle as a wave of complete trepidation overcame her.

but in the next she felt the warmth of her breath mingling with that of agana — so close, the lioness and her pearl, without the need of touch between them.

yet.

the spirit whispered fiercely; it warned the duck of the elements that would be displaced and displeased if she did not withdraw now, did not surrender this nascent glimmering of an idea that had never been accomplished before.

the spirit would say it was because such things were not meant to be, but kukutux felt herself shimmering slowly to a pool of soft want beneath the expectant, wary, contemplative honeyed stare of the other.

compelled finally beyond the ingrained boundaries, past the strictures with which she had been reared, shy kukutux let herself be led to the beginnings of a kiss, forgetting once more to breathe as she touched tentatively the velveteen of agana's face with her shy mouth.

It was no turning back; what was going to happen would remain imprinted in her mind for the rest of her life. The closest form of affection that was returned was sister-ly towards her cousin, or the relationship parent-child. And her heart longed for a feeling, that certain feeling that gave her butterflies.

Not even in her wildest dreams she thought her feelings would be returned. It send shivers down her spine, her senses heightened, a door opened in her mind she never knew existed. The taste of her sweet lips was like a drug; she needed more, she craved for it. And she returned it, with the last energy she had, she returned it.

Agana slided closer to her, to feel her soft touch, so she would be conviced she was real, not some dream too good to be true. And not once she broke the sweet bond that formed on their lips, she could not bear to see it broken; she hoped, hoped that this moment would last an eternity, where they were safe from harm, from the judging eyes of the others if they knew.. Oh, if they knew...

Agana opened her eyes and backed away, breaking the bond between their two mouths. A sudden feeling of fear, if someone saw them. She looked at her in the eye, unable to make out words for how sorry she was to break this sweet moment, but she was not ready for anyone else to know. Not yet. And she hoped her pearl would understand it.

!!!

as quickly as it had come, the blossoming heat between them was quelled into something sweetly aching. for kukutux, the realization of what she had done dawned with shame.

she swept eyes and muzzle away from agana, but did not miss the anguish in the fawnwolf's own gaze. it was wrong, and the spirit whispered it indeed was so. not quite abominable, but against the natural way of things.

she was lonely, had been so lonely in the little valley cut near the mouth of the river, but it was for that small ulaq that kukutux wished now. for solitude, to be alone with her guttering dreams gone to guilty dust.

"i am going to look for wild raspberry leaves," the duck swallowed then, venturing away from agana to fetch her carryskin. flinging it gently over her narrow shoulders, the girl could not help a single lingering stare before she darted out into the cold drifts, hoping fervently that her companion would not follow.

tears burned high behind her eyes, but kukutux told herself it was only the biting wind, and pressed on. 

As quickly as it came, it left. The heat, the light, they drained every bit of energy she had left. Golden gaze stared to the pearl, listened to what she had to say, but wasn’t there; she was anywhere, but there. She stared, blankly, unable to make out words. And so she continued to stare, until she was out of the scene, leaving her alone, alone and alone.
 
And so, the voices in her mind were right; it was wrong after all. But it felt right; she felt it right, both of them felt it right. A drop rolled on her warm cheek, and she watched as it fell, leaving a hole in the snow. She lifted her paw and stepped on it, for no one will see her suffering, not even once.
 
As the last ray of light left her, Agana walked away in the opposite direction, not once looking back.