Northstar Vale My rusty wings are weak and tired, oh.

Towhee stood over Leo’s grave, thinking of the other children she’d buried. Four others—Primrose, Blackbird, Butterfly and Marten—were laid to rest at the caldera. She might never visit their grave sites again. It was uncharacteristically sentimental of her to feel this attached to Leo’s remains. She licked her lips and strode away to the far side of Wraen’s Nest.

She’d asked @Phox to meet her here at midday. Towhee found him waiting underneath a tree and their eyes met. Despite hurting over Maxim like a missing limb—an ironic thought, perhaps, given her present company—she found comfort in her litter mate’s steady gaze. She slumped down beside him with a noisy gust of breath.

Fennec and Killdeer ended up at Moonspear, with Meerkat and her family, she told him, and Caracal and his mate, Heda, are going to have a litter on the island. Between Tikal camping out in the canyon and Maxim vanishing into the fucking ether…

Towhee didn’t complete her thought. Part of her wanted to grab Phox and the kids, then run off to be with family. But what if Maxim came back here? And what about providing stability to her younger two? It was way too early to do anything drastic, though as she drew in a breath and looked around herself, the place she had once compared to heaven now felt a lot more like purgatory.

Maybe he was used to others leaving. Sometimes, it was Phox who was the one who left. Not always on purpose, and not always of his own will, but it did happen. He couldn't fathom what had happened to Maxim, but he did hope the guy was safe and sound... or at least getting whatever care he needed if he was hurt in some way.

So when Towhee flopped on the ground and gave him the news, all he could do was offer a shrug. -I'm still here,- he said. Any thoughts of toddling off with Fennec and Killdeer had been put to rest when Maxim had gone missing. He couldn't do that to Towhee, no matter how much some selfish part of him wanted to keep looking around for a partner of his own.

-There's nothing tying me here except for you and the kids,- Phox added, wanting Towhee to know that she, Sable, and her mini-me were the only things that kept him from following right after Fenn and Killer.

-“I know,”- she said with feeling, locking eyes with him again so he would understand just how much she appreciated him right now. -“I’m so glad I have you, Jackie and the littles.”-

And she knew the second part too. Phox didn’t say it but the implication was there: if she needed to go somewhere else, he would be right beside her. She felt choked up for a moment and couldn’t speak out loud, so Towhee had to resort to signing in emotive silence.

-Whatever happens, I know they’ll still have a father figure. And since you’re my de facto life partner now, I might need you to… I don’t know, tell me what to do now? I know that’s selfish, I’m just… fuck, I don’t know what to do with myself.-

For the nth time, she wondered about Maxim’s fate. Towhee didn’t believe for one second that he would willingly walk away from his life here, which left only one option: he hadn’t come home because he couldn’t. He might be lying in a ravine somewhere, smashed to pieces, or digesting in some bear’s stomach. Actually, scratch that. He would totally be a pile of bear shit by now, in that case…

Towhee made a noise that might’ve sounded like a heaving sob. In actuality, it was a blurt of laughter. And once it started, Towhee couldn’t stop it. She sat there, laughing maniacally, the awful noise of it frightening a nearby flock of roosting birds into panicked flight.

Tell Towhee what to do? That sounded downright outlandish, which meant she really must be desperate. In all their years together, Phox had never been the leading type. Okay, so there was that one time at the grove, and we don't talk about what happened there. Besides, where else would they go? It wasn't like he had any desire to return to any of their old haunts, and sure, there was a pack that had moved in next door, but they seemed to be keeping to themselves.

Phox hung a foreleg over her even as she went into a freaky laughing fit, patting her back and remembering how distraught he'd been the year before last with Niamh's disappearance and later learning of her death. He could only hope Maxim's story would turn out differently.

-Let's stay here,- he said, -That way, when Maxim comes back, he'll know right where to find you and the littles.- No sense in complicating things if he showed up tomorrow. Wasn't it always the moving around that made connections so difficult to keep? Fennec and Killdeer knew where they were, and quite frankly, Phox wasn't really in the mood to move again. He'd had quite enough of that.

The fit would not subside. Moisture gathered at the corner of Towhee’s eyes and streamed down her cheeks. Her breath came in gasping gulps in between great whoops of laughter that shook her entire body. Her eyes sought Phox’s, some of the whites showing around her otherwise orange irises.

His foreleg slung over her shaking shoulder and, slowly, the Eidos managed to collect herself. Shivery breaths tore in and out of her lungs and she sat up a little straighter when Phox thumped her on the back. Towhee felt strangely embarrassed about the maniacal display, though she supposed it was better than crying.

Her brother proposed they stay here. Towhee balled a fist and rubbed it at one wet eye, then the other. She nodded. It was the most logical, pragmatic thing to do in this situation. His was the voice of reason she needed so desperately right now.

But… What if I can’t, Towhee mumbled.

First they’d lost Leona. Now Maxim was gone. Even without considering her beef with the neighbors, Towhee didn’t know how she could ever be happy here again. But maybe she would never be happy again, period. Perhaps she needed to set aside that entire notion and just focus on the family members she had left, especially her poor fucking kids.

She lapsed into brooding silence, pondering Phox’s use of “when” rather than “if.” It made her think of her brother’s most recent absence. Towhee had never pressed him for the gory details, picking up on his aversion to the topic. But was it possible the same thing that had waylaid Phox might’ve happened to Maxim too? Would he turn up one day, mysteriously missing a limb but otherwise intact?

I’m done searching, she told Phox quietly. I always knew this was going to happen. All I want is for him to magically reappear. But wouldn’t it be smarter to just… Towhee gestured, trying to convey something she couldn’t articulate.

As she wiped away her TEARS, Phox found the Towhee he knew. The one who actually knew what she wanted. Perhaps she'd only needed a push to see what she didn't want.

-Then we don't,- he said.

She went silent for a little while, processing. He remembered again how he'd felt when Niamh had taken off. He hadn't known where she was going or if she was coming back, and he'd spent so many months searching for her, only to never find her. Not really. He had been able to reconnect with his children for a time, although those ties felt brittle and thin. The pair who had raised them had stolen that opportunity from him, although he was grateful they had kept his children safe.

-Assume he's dead? I don't know. I didn't with... and...- well, we all know how that ended. -Listen, it hasn't really been that long in the grand scheme of things. If we do leave here, we should make sure he knows where to find us.-

She let out a breath at his no-nonsense reply. Towhee knew what he was trying to say: Phox would be there one way or the other. She knew he was able to look at this situation much more objectively, so she decided to trust his judgment where hers was compromised. Besides, wasn’t there some saying about time healing all wounds? Towhee hated it with the fire of a thousand suns but it was also the truth.

I know, she said on an exhale, but I don’t mean assume he’s dead, exactly. I don’t know what I mean. I guess part of me just wants to stop giving a fuck, full stop. Write him off completely. Turn my back on the whole institution. Towhee paused, sagged. That’s a hell of a lot easier said than done, though.

She let gravity take over, sliding forward onto her belly with a grunt which morphed into a sigh. Towhee took a moment to note something with each of her four functioning senses. She could see Phox’s familiar shape, albeit at a weird angle now. She could smell the vague odor of flowers blooming around them. She could feel the tickle of the grass beneath her. She could taste… defeat.

Towhee wondered how her brother did it. He’d lost two mates, just like her. But he was putting himself back out there anyway. Of course, he’d been out of the game for a long time after the shit show with Niamh… but he’d healed, in time. (That fucking saying again.) If Towhee decided to go “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” with Maxim, she absolutely recoiled at the thought of ever trying again with anyone else.

She didn’t mention any of that, just wriggled forward and rested her chin on Phox’s paw with another sigh.

He could understand that. Boy, could he ever! After Camilla, he wasn't sure what to think. After Niamh, he'd thought he was cursed, and he still hadn't quite been able to shake that feeling. Even if he did end up courting some lady, who was to say she wouldn't end up dead, too? And yet his big dumb brain (and let's face it—other parts of him, too) insisted that he never really stop looking for another partner. Something, something, instinct.

-Easily done for a little while,- he said, patting her on the head with the paw she wasn't laying on. -And hey, I'll always be around to raise whatever kids come around after you inevitably get knocked up.- That was a promise Phox fully intended on sticking to.

He patted her on the head and Towhee rolled over to look at him like, Seriously? It was easier to see what he was saying while positioned on her back like this, so she stayed there, letting her muscles relax.

Would she have more children one day, even if she refused to be romantically involved with another man ever again? Towhee could hardly comprehend the thought at present. She put it on a shelf to contemplate sometime later.

Right now, she needed to focus on the ones she already had. Jack, Sable and Towhee Jr were down a parent. Although Towhee wasn’t alone—seriously, thank fuck for Phox—the four of them would need a lot of support in the coming days as they grappled with life without Maxim.

Okay, I’m over this pity party for now, Towhee mumbled. I should probably check on the crotch fruit but before I go, it’s your turn. Do you have any good prospects these days?

She seemed to take in the information (or toss it out entirely, Phox couldn't be sure), and she was done with her self-described "pity party." For now, it seemed like she was content to at least stay here for a little while longer. For that, he was thankful. It would be better for the kids to remain here, he thought, and it would definitely be better for him. While he had gotten pretty good moving at seventy-five percent his normal capacity, the prospect of moving wasn't a delightful one for him.

-Nothing solid,- he reported, -but there was a really funny girl stuck in the snow the other day. I think you'd like her. Met somebody else who called me a fart—which, to be fair, isn't that far off. Not trying to dive into anything serious, y'know? Just keeping things casual.- For now, that was all he wanted. If something blossomed, great; if it didn't, he'd always have Towhee & co.

She stared at him, eager for a distraction, a brow arching at his response. Did these ladies have names? Was he attracted to either of them? What about the ones he’d mentioned before? Towhee sat there with a rather dumb look on her face, trying to remember what he’d told her the last time they’d talked about this.

Was the first batch a total wash? Even the dancer? she wondered. I think it’s great to keep it casual, Towhee added, thinking of their miserable track records. I’m glad you’re putting yourself out there, though. Just in case there’s any doubt, I’ll be here to support you and whatever family you build for yourself too. I really wouldn’t mind being a Towma again one day, if that’s in the cards…

She fell silent for a little while, then rolled onto her side with a grunt before pushing back into a sit. Towhee brushed some dry grass off herself, then stood. She closed the distance between them and placed her muzzle on Phox’s shoulder now, just letting her head rest there a moment in a loose embrace before stepping back.

Now that the search was over, Towhee really did want to focus on the kids. But there was part of her that was desperate to get away at the same time. Those two impulses were definitely at odds. She needed to put the children first, lest they think she would leave them and not return, like their dad. Towhee’s insides clenched.

As much as I don’t like being in the roost right now, I know it’s too early to bring them here. But what do you think of this place as a rendezvous site? Since you’re my co-parent now and all.

-I guess so, yeah,- he affirmed with a shrug. He hadn't been close to any of them, although he did wonder why Reverie—the dancer—had never made good on her plans to come back and visit. Who knew? Why had Maxim gone and never come back? In times like these, Phox wished they had a better way to communicate over long distances.

She offered to be Towma again, and that put a smile on his face. -Haven't had enough of your own, huh?- he teased, swatting a paw at her. He didn't mean it, though. Whatever kids he brought into the world would have Towhee around, whether they liked it or not. That's just the way it had always been, and Phox had no intention of changing that bit of his life up.

Phox watched as the grass fell from her side, then his attention returned to her face as she suggested this place as the rendezvous site. -I think that'd be swell,- he said. Leona was here, at least in spirit, and it was a nice little area for the kids to start growing up.

Swell, she repeated, amused enough by his phrasing that she even managed a smile. I brought Jr here yesterday. We talked, as much as a geriatric and a baby can have a conversation, she shared, lips twisting into a frown.

She still needed to have a heart-to-heart with Jack and Sable. Of course, the former would already be well aware of his father’s absence. Towhee was a little afraid he might go looking for Maxim. If he did, she couldn’t and wouldn’t stop him. But she secretly hoped he would stay put and focus on his younger siblings too.

I’m gonna go chat with her brothers now, I think. I’m sure we’ll see you later, Towhee said, catching her brother’s eye. And thanks, she added, for being here.

-O'course,- he said. For now, he thought he might laze about here and get to know some of the nooks and crannies. He was pretty sure there was a rats' nest nearby, and he fully intended to dig that up first thing.

Well, after a nap.