Heron Lake Plateau Could be stuck here and happy

@Towhee

Niamh's mind ran, swam, and leapt about frivolously as she made her way back toward the plateau. She couldn't tell whether she was meant to be excited, happy, nervous or terrified. Every now and again she worried that she was making the wrong decision, and that she should simply say nothing and go back to her life as it normally was, simply forcing herself to forget that she'd promised Colt she'd go to live with him in the Copse. She was terrified to face Towhee but at the same time...They wouldn't be far away- and she'd already expressed a desire to leave. Though...When she'd done that, Towhee had threatened her, and she did not want to go up against Towhee at all. All she could do was hope that Towhee would understand that it was a combination of needing to get away from Quixote, and needing to get closer to Colt. Both things would make everything right, right?

But then again...What if she couldn't win Colt back? Then would she be happy living at the Copse? If she failed- and maybe, maybe she too would find that her feelings weren't ready to be mended- would she be able to go crawling back to the Plateau? Or would she find herself incapable of being anywhere near either pack? She hated the idea of leaving the Redhawks behind, and couldn't stand the thought of losing Colt, either. All she could do was try and figure out which thread she needed to cut; and realistically, it seemed like she might potentially lose less if she went with Colt. She would still be close enough to the plateau to visit every day if she wanted to- she'd be right next door to her person...But the way Towhee had looked at her the day she'd mentioned leaving made her reconsider. Still...She had to try.

She finally made it back to the plateau and found Towhee's scent. She wondered if she should have a nap first- maybe it'd be a better idea to be well rested...But she couldn't wait. She'd have to find Towhee, and then she could call for Quixote, to apologize- and let him know what she was doing. What would he make of it all? He'd probably just frown and roll his eyes and let her go; but she knew he wouldn't be keen on the possibility that she could potentially break Colt's heart again. When she saw her friend in the distance, she picked up her pace, arcing around so that Towhee could potentially catch Niamh in her peripheral vision, rather than being spooked by her if she suddenly appeared at her side.

She jerked awake, heart beating out of her chest. Towhee sipped in breaths, sitting upright even as she fought to steady herself. She'd never had such a vivid nightmare, at least not that she could recall. But it was only that: a bad dream. Slowly, Towhee's breathing evened out and she stood, giving herself a rough shake as if to fling away its remnants. Yet they stuck, making her feel uneasy in addition to the depression already plaguing her lately.

When she saw Niamh out of the corner of her eye, Towhee let out a breath of relief. "Hey!" she shouted, though Niamh was already headed in her direction. "You're a sight for sore eyes. I just had the worst fucking dream..." She shook her head. Maybe telling her Person about it would unburden her a bit? "You and Phox and everyone just... disappeared. I went looking for someone, anyone... but you'd all gone. And then I found X's body..." Towhee shuddered, drawing in a breath. "Was just a dream though," she finished, orange eyes lifting to her Person's face.

Niamh snorted lightly when Towhee said she was a sight for sore eyes- as she was well aware of the fact that she'd lost weight and had taken on a much more haggard, tired appearance since she'd cast Colt out. Then again, Towhee didn't look too great either, and she didn't usually show too much in terms of fatigue. Perhaps she'd just woken up, it was hard to say- but when she mentioned having had a bad dream, Niamh frowned. Niamh had had bad dreams caused by the inner turmoil and indecision that had seemed to paralyse her. Now Towhee was having them...It could only mean that she too was feeling pressure and perhaps crumbling under it a bit. 

The expression that came onto Niamh's features when Towhee told her about her dream could possibly be best described as the look one gives when caught in the middle of an act- but trying to look innocent; flushed with surprise and shame and guilt. Of course, she squinted and grimaced when Towhee mentioned finding X dead, and she opened her mouth to ask about the bird in particular- when Towhee said it'd all just been a dream. Niamh was still concerned about X, and wanted to ask just to make sure he was OK- but she still couldn't believe that Towhee's dream had referenced her and Phox and everyone being gone. She reached forward to touch Towhee's cheek. 

"We're all still here." She said softly, but her eyes showed the regret she felt, knowing she'd have to bring part of Towhee's nightmare into reality. "And no matter what happens, I'll always be here for you," She said, feeling a pain in the back of her throat that made her voice heavy. She was on the precipice of admitting everything to Towhee, but couldn't quite bring it up. She was suspiciously guilt-ridden, though, and knew that even if she held back, Towhee would catch on and interrogate her- and she wanted Towhee to ask, because she couldn't quite volunteer the information.

She attempted a smile, though it faltered instantly when Niamh said, "We're all still here." That wasn't exactly true, though Towhee didn't want to dwell on Bat's death or those who'd left to live with the Firebirds right now. She'd been wallowing in that pit for days. Her Person was here, said she'd always be here, and the Beta allowed herself to feel uplifted for the first time in a while.

"I know you will," Towhee said, the tip of her tail stirring. She didn't hear the catch in her friend's voice, of course, though she saw something on Niamh's face that prompted her tail to go still again. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Niamh shrank back slightly when Towhee asked her what was wrong and she turned her ears back, slightly ashamed and fearful of the reaction she might get. Of course, Niamh was still oblivious to the fact that Bat was gone, and that Tegan was in a terrible state, so she had no idea exactly how bad of a time it was right now. She also had no idea exactly how many wolves had also defected to the Firebirds, as she'd assumed initially that it'd just be Wildfire and her daughters. So all the hurt that Towhee was already feeling was sensed by Niamh- though she hadno idea where it came from. All she knew was that she was about to make everything much worse, as she recalled Towhee's previous threats. 

"I found Colt." She said. "He's with the Firebirds...But we talked. And we're going to try and make things work. The only thing is," She said, already vaguely aware that Towhee probably didn't want her to try and make things better with Colt at all. But that wasn't the kicker- this part was. "I have to move there." Niamh flinched slightly, her guilt prompting her to fear Towhee's reaction.

Towhee's breath caught in her throat when Colt's name came up. She wasn't sure what to expect after that, though it certainly wasn't what came out of Niamh's mouth next. She felt the same sensation she'd experienced the other day, when Tegan's news about Bat had sunk into her like an injection of ice into her veins. She felt a sickening tightening in her gut at Niamh's pause, as if she anticipated being punched there. And in that sense, her Person delivered.

That initial chill quickly transformed into a wild heat. Her lungs filled with smoke and her stomach filled with lava as she stood there, swallowing convulsively. Hadn't Towhee asked her to stay? Hadn't she begged her? And yet here Niamh was, announcing her departure—because of that son of a bitch, Colt—as if it wasn't the single worst thing she could possibly say to the Beta right now.

Towhee's mouth opened and shut, then opened again. "Are you—are you fucking kidding me, Niamh—" she spluttered, the flatness of her tone giving it an extra edge.

Niamh couldn't bring herself to look up at Towhee, but she could hear the subtle click of tongue against teeth that meant she was doing everything to keep the fire in her stomach from erupting past her lips; perhaps to swallow back words that wouldn't properly articulate exactly how much this hurt her. Whatever the reason was, every strand of fur on Niamh's body felt as though it was beginning to singe and curl against her skin, which suddenly felt flushed and hot. She didn't feel angry- but she certainly felt anger. 

She heard Towhee's jaws part, and then heard her teeth click together, and she wilted more, knowing that Towhee was struggling to find something to say. Whether she was holding back from saying something too harsh or trying to find something harsher to say, Niamh didn't know, but she knew that whatever Towhee came up with, it wasn't going to feel good. Either way, Niamh lost. But the way she saw it, whether it was a skewed way to view things or not- was that she should ideally still be able to be friends with Towhee and visit her if she chose to go with Colt...But if she'd chosen to stay with Towhee, she would've been denied the right of ever seeing Colt again. Clearly, though, thinking that Towhee would simply understand and let her go wasn't even a blip on the radar. 

"I'm sorry." She said. No excuses this time, though- no 'I'll be so close by' or 'You have to understand that I love him' as she'd learned that sometimes it was best to say less, rather than try to make excuses and console. Not this early into the conversation- as far as she could tell, Towhee wasn't nearly done with her yet.

Obviously, she knew Niamh wasn't pulling her leg. This was no joking matter. But Towhee struggled to make sense of this unexpected betrayal. Why did she have to move there? Why was she even getting back together with Colt? It hit her like a slap to the face: maybe Niamh really just wanted kids so badly, she'd take back that piece of shit and blow up everything else in her life to have them? The Beta didn't want to think that of her Person—or entertain the hideous thought that Quixote was absolutely right about her, after all—but what other explanation was there?

Niamh didn't bother trying to explain, either. She just offered an apology, which hit Towhee like a second punch to the gut. "WOW," she said loudly, a flash of fire crawling beneath her skin. She felt like she was about to spontaneously combust—literally.

She couldn't tell what was running through Towhee's mind, but she could feel the judgement. Her monosyllabic reply made her feel guilty, and she yet again simpered under the judgy gaze that made her feel like she was young and stupid. Towhee wasn't giving her any bit of leeway here, so she decided to try and slip in somewhat of an explanation, though she doubted she'd get it right, and doubted she'd do any good. Still- perhaps if she'd been able to convince Colt to give her another chance, she might be able to cool Towhee down. Then again...They weren't the same wolf at all, though both of them sure knew how to hold a grudge. Being stuck between a rock and a hard place was the understatement of the year- and somehow she was the one who had to make the tough choices...But it was no less than what she deserved. She was responsible for having ended up in that tough position- and now she had to suffer the consequences of not really making a decision. 

"I'm just trying to fix everything that I fucked up." She said. "I'm not trying to get away from you- that's the last thing I want. But I need to get away from everything else that hurts." She said. She was aware that she probably looked weak and fragile, giving into her feelings- but it was about time that she embraced the fact that she was not invincible. She'd begun to break, and was learning only now how much it really hurt to grow the eff up.

Her legs were shaking. Towhee blinked down at them, then back up in time to catch Niamh's words. Somewhere in there, her heart had turned into a gob of acid and lodged itself right in her throat. Because this was her Person, she really did try to pay attention, but she was having a hell of a time keeping the fire in her belly contained.

"I asked you—I begged you—not to do this. Why are you doing this?" Towhee demanded shrilly, even though Niamh had just said. Her explanation just sounded so... amorphous. "If it's the last thing you want, then what the FUCK, NIAMH?"

Niamh looked up when Towhee spoke, finally, her ears turned back against the abrasive sound of her friend's voice, and her eyes squinted as though she was staring directly at the sun. In truth, she felt betrayed as well- by the fact that Towhee couldn't simply let her go and do what she thought she needed to do. She demanded an explanation, but that wasn't necessarily what Niamh wanted to give at this point. Part of her wanted to say something snide back to Towhee- about how dependant she was being, maybe, or about how she couldn't simply let her friend go and know that they'd still be each other's Person- but fortunately she kept that in check...For now, at least. 

"I just can't stay here, Towhee," She said. "I tried. I just can't be happy- I tried, but it wouldn't work. You're the only reason I stayed here...But I need more than one reason. And I'll always come back, to visit-" She said, but she knew that wouldn't be enough.

"NO," Towhee bellowed, the words streaming from her maw at last in a gush of metaphorical fire, "IF YOU LEAVE, DON'T BOTHER COMING BACK. EVER." She had no idea how loud she was being, though the force of her own voice vibrated down to her bones. "GOT THAT, NIAMH? YOU GO THERE, YOU LOSE ME. I'M NOT YOUR PERSON ANYMORE. I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR KIDS' GODMOTHER. YOU LEAVE, I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. YOU GO THERE AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" Yeah... probably even the Firebirds heard all that.

Had Towhee not been so paralyzingly loud, Niamh wouldn't have believed her ears. She was being exiled now, apparently, and it caused her to flash back to the way she'd treated Colt. She now felt what he had, at least in part, and she wilted for a moment, wincing as Towhee's CaTeRwAuLiNg damn near destroyed Niamh's sense of hearing and made her ears ring. She'd never had much of an indoor voice- but even her 'outdoor' voice had been, generally, a bit much. To hear Towhee scream at her, though, was a unique form of corporeal punishment- without even having to be touched. 

Still, it was the sentiment and the words that hurt Niamh more than Towhee's voice. But she was able to face up to what was happening, knowing that this was what she had done to Colt- and how she had felt afterwards. Unlike Colt, though, Niamh wasn't going to hold a grudge- nor was she going to necessarily believe that Towhee meant every single thing that she was saying. Calmly, she waited for Towhee's voice to dissipate- though it would've made no difference, given that Towhee couldn't hear to begin with- before she spoke. 

"You're doing the same thing to me that I did to Colt." She said softly, though she shook gently, fearful. She didn't want to come across as being defiant; she just wanted Towhee to know where this was headed, having just come back down that very same path. "And it's a mistake." There was a pleading tone to her voice and expression on her face, so that Towhee knew that Niamh was being forced to make a tough decision- one that Towhee didn't need to force her to make. "You don't mean it." She said calmly, and moved forward with the intention of calmly touching her friend's cheek, aware of the fact that that too was probably a bad idea- but she had to try.

Niamh was right, of course, on all counts. And it seemed there was no more fire left in her, not even a wisp of smoke. As her Person gently refuted her angry tirade, Towhee sank to the ground and began to sob, only marginally quieter than her shouting. It was an ugly, messy noise, to match the destroyed look on the mercenary's face.

She flinched when Niamh made to touch her. "Don't touch me," she hissed through the flood of tears streaming from her swollen eyes. "You're right," she cried out wretchedly, "this whole thing's a mistake." Towhee made a particularly hideous noise of despair and wailed, "I wish I'd never fucking met you."

Fortunately for Niamh, the anger seemed to have gushed out of Towhee with her shouts- and no one else had come to investigate what the hell was the matter, which was surprising considering how loud and angry she'd sounded. She probably wouldn't have to tell Colt what had gone down- as he'd probably already heard it. He'd probably chuckled. But Towhee melted into a sorrow that Niamh hadn't expected, so when Towhee sank down, Niamh did too, ears folded back in surprise. She shook her head. 

"Tow...What's really wrong?" She asked- as this couldn't possibly have been just a reaction to Niamh's news. She wasn't going to believe that Towhee'd been able to reject her just like that. Something else had to have been lurking beneath the surface to make her react this violently, and then to crumble into tears. "I'm sorry...I...I guess I never saw it," She said, "But...Something's wrong- and it's not just me leaving," She said, and lowered her head to look up at Towhee with a concerned gaze.

Later, Towhee would probably marvel at Niamh for sticking around despite the proverbial flamethrower being directed at her. Presently, she just wished it'd burned the other she-wolf to dust that Towhee could brush off like none of this mattered. But that was the problem: Niamh mattered to her, a lot, and the idea of living here without her—and the realization that it wasn't just an idea, it was her reality—made her cry all the harder.

"Go away, Niamh," she croaked, shoving at her Person. "Leave me the fuck alone." And that's what she would be left: alone, the last haunt in a ghost town, just like her dream. That fear rattled through her and she wanted to scream again. She wanted to clutch at Niamh, hold her here, make her stay, but of course she couldn't do that. And she couldn't really bring herself to tell her to get lost again.

Instead, Towhee lurched to her feet, turned her back on Niamh and began to run.

Guilt strangled Niamh and kept her rooted to the spot when Towhee pushed her away and took off. She wanted to chase off after Towhee, but she knew she'd never be able to keep up- not with having just returned from a trip of her own, and she'd never be able to shout at Towhee while she ran to try and get her to come out with what was bothering her. She huffed a soft sigh and looked over her shoulder, as though expecting that someone had been there, watching the whole debacle. Unsure as to whether she was really exiled or not, she'd simply leave then, seek out Quixote on her way out, and show herself the way to the Sun Mote Copse.