Sun Mote Copse Night on earth.

Towhee didn't know if @Phox and @Niamh would even mind her proximity right now, though she decided to give them their space. She had clung to her brother for several days now and even if his mate(?) wasn't in season, she didn't want to suffocate him. Besides, it was too painful to think about what they were hopefully doing: creating new lives. Oh, she would love those puppies so much and happily help rear them, though she didn't need to see it in action and think about her own body's failure to support new life.

She performed a perfunctory patrol, ignoring the light rainfall, and then sought someplace dry afterward. Towhee found herself crawling into a thicket and curling into a ball as daylight waned and the waxing gibbous moon rose somewhere overhead. She felt utterly weary, yet sleep did not come. Perhaps an hour after nightfall, the rain stopped and the mercenary crept out of her shelter, gave herself a shake, and began to prowl the damp, dark copse.

lol, I watched this series last week <3

Niamh had, for the most part, stuck to her plan about staying near her den, and avoiding a patrol- but she couldn't stay cooped up forever. Even just for a day was almost too much, though she tolerated it as well as she could. And she decided not to go for a patrol, per-say, but at least a small walk through the packlands, maybe in search of something she could eat, as she did find that her energy was being drained a bit more quickly than usual. A little night time snack couldn't be a bad thing, she'd just have to keep an eye on her 6, and make sure she refrained from doing anything bad along the way. 

Her ears pricked when she heard the sound of another wolf in the distance, and she moved closer once she caught Towhee's scent. She wasn't sure exactly how much more space Towhee wanted...But she needed to check in, regardless. If she avoided Towhee completely, she might send the signal that she didn't care- and she didn't want to do that. So she caught up with her friend, giving her a somewhat sheepish grin as she knew...Perhaps probably wasn't the best time. And she didn't want to rub her fertility in Towhee's face...But she couldn't just keep herself away, either. Towhee was safe, Towhee she trusted. So she looked for an approving glance from her friend, hoping sincerely that she woudln't be turned away.

It's so good! I binged most of it last night.

She paused in a shaft of moonlight to scan the surrounding woods and decide on a direction. Perhaps it would be best to choose a destination first. She pondered a moment, then swung slightly to her left, heading toward the far eastern edge of the copse. Towhee could get a drink at the river, then maybe sit there a while. Although she couldn't hear the soothing rush of the water, she still enjoyed the atmosphere there.

Someone approached her at an angle and Towhee stiffened momentarily. It was Niamh and she was alone. The mercenary cocked her head, giving her a look that said, "What're you doing?" Noting the woman's sheepish expression, she padded toward her, looking around for any sign of Phox. But he wasn't here, despite the almost overwhelming scent lingering around the new Honoree like a heady cloud of sweetest perfume.

Selfishly, she was relieved. She could handle Niamh on her own, at least for a few minutes. "Why aren't you, like..." Towhee plopped to her haunches and made a crude gesture with her forelegs. "...with Phox?"

Niamh snorted as soon as Towhee gestured, and she rolled her eyes. Languidly, she lowered her front end in a stretch, as though to supply an answer. -Needed a break- She signed once she'd righted herself. She didn't want to be cramped up, and needed to stretch out her long legs which had been used for other purposes in the meantime, and they complained now, having had to bear the weight of two. It was nice to simply get out on her own without having a shadow at her flank. She felt somewhat awkward, and leapt to the assumption then that Towhee'd been informed, at least fairly well, about her and Phox. But that wasn't really big news, to Niamh...This affliction would only last for a week, and then they could go on living normal lives, even though she did realize that the events of this week would likely change her life forever. So be it. 

-I wanted to see you, though,- She admitted. -Just to check in,- She said. She didn't want to press Towhee for information, and would allow her to talk if she wanted to- but if she chose to keep the conversation light, then at least she'll have seen her friend, and at least she would've seen for herself that Towhee was- albeit tired- doing alright.

Niamh didn't seem bothered by the invasive question and said she'd needed a break. Towhee could understand that. During her own heat, she had needed a good, hard nap in between sessions. Her eyes watched as her friend stretched, which invited a mental picture of Phox on top of Niamh. The thought didn't perturb her in the least. She had witnessed her brother and Camilla couple; it had been her favorite TV show to binge watch that week. The reason she didn't want to see it for herself this time around had a lot less to do with them than it did with her.

She brushed off that mental image and refocused as Niamh signed something else. Towhee rolled a shoulder and said, "You don't need to worry about me." She didn't mean to be dismissive about her own emotional issues, she was just not in the mood to talk about it much. The timing seemed very wrong, considering that Niamh's womb might even now be quickening with Phox's offspring. That thought cut into Towhee like a knife, though she didn't show it.

"I'm glad you two got over yourselves," she ribbed without malice, the subject of their relationship less sensitive than their consummation of it. "Are you officially mates? 'Cause you know what that means, right?"

Towhee's comment about Niamh's involvement in her life made Niamh raise an eyebrow. The comment was dismissive, though Niamh wasn't offended, as she likely would have done the same. But the thought of simply not having to check in on Towhee implied that she had no obligation to do so...But Towhee wasn't a responsibility that needed to be checked off the list. Towhee was an entity that Niamh cared about, so checking in on her wasn't something she had to do, nor had she been asked to do it. She wanted to, and would continued to do so, because she valued their friendship. -I know I don't need to, but...You know how it goes. I need to keep up my drama-quota, Tow.- She said, hoping that a touch of humour would diffuse the tension, if Towhee felt at all like she was being watched because she was a cause of worry. Niamh was happy to make checking-in her thing so that Towhee felt like it was more of a Niamh-habit, than a problem that Towhee caused. So if Towhee didn't want to talk, she didn't have to, but at least she knew that Niamh was there, in case. 

She rolled her eyes at Towhee's comment, and nodded, sighing. She would have commented about the ridiculousness of their spat, had Towhee not then moved the topic forward to her relationship with Phox....And the topic of them having a title. Her ears flicked back, and she bit her lip. "We haven't...Exactly...Brought that sort of...Title thing, up, uh," She said. It was the only way she could easily admit that they hadn't been doing a lot of talking. "We're gonna need to figure things out, prossibly, but...I'm...Actually kind of happy just...Being," She said, with a shrug.

Something about her answer niggled at Towhee. Hadn't they had this very same conversation about Colt, way back when? Or were her wires crossed? Towhee shrugged inwardly, supposing it didn't matter. She was a little surprised by this news, though more so because it ruined her punchline than anything.

"I mean, power to you if you want to live in sin and have yourself some bastards. Down with the patriarchy and all that," the mercenary quipped. "But come on, this is your chance to be my official sister and you're not going to take it?"

Niamh felt a bit guilty, and awkwardly so when Towhee decided to chastize her about 'living in sin' when she herself had gone off and during her heat, had mated with...How many? And who? And did she even know their names? But...Towhee had an excuse, and Niamh knew it. Towhee wanted to have children. Of course, she could have simply chosen one of them and made them her baby-daddy...But on the off chance that that one particular male was less fertile than the others...She'd done as much as she could, pairing with different partners, so that she had better chances. Towhee got a buy-out, in that concern...But it was a pity that she needed one. Niamh wished, and had wished so very hard that things could have been different- and that Towhee could have gotten exactly what she wanted. So she kept her trap shut, knowing that to accuse Towhee of doing the same thing...Was the wrong thing to do. Because for Towhee, it was a matter of increasing her chances, and Niamh was completely supportive of her friend doing whatever she could to have children. 

She didn't like that Towhee was being critical of her decision to have more children, and she felt that some of it might have come from jealousy. Perhaps Towhee was disappointed in herself, and jealous of the fact that Niamh could simply go out while in heat, mate once, and probably end up pregnant. She knew that Towhee would have happily taken a life 'living in sin' as long as it meant she could get pregnant...But it hurt Niamh, entitled as she was, knowing that Towhee might have said so, scornfully, because Niamh just happened to have been given something she hadn't done a single thing to earn. She hated herself, in part, for being able to conceive so easily, when her best friend could not. It was a sore point for her, too. And knowing that she could get pregnant- and that she possibly already had- did not come without a huge wave of guilt, and feeling as though she didn't deserve it. But there wasn't much to be done about that. She knew Towhee wouldn't have wanted her to hold back from having children out of solidarity...Right?

There was really no way to know. And it was probably too late for her to turn back now, anyway. 

But then there was the matter of being Towhee's sister, which caused her ears to perk up. "Towhee," She said. "I mean, honestly, that's incentive enough, you know that," She said. "But I can't just like...Marry him just so we get to be sisters," She said, with a small smile. "We can do this, but I don't want to rush into having...Titles and such. We both care a lot about each other, and we both wanna be parents, and I really, really want you to..." She said, but she trailed off. Along with a surge of other emotions, came the enhancement of others, so she shrugged as a lump suddenly rose in her throat. "It's no fair. And I hate myself, and I hate..." She sniffed, and swallowed hard. "God...damn I'm so feh-king emotional right now," She said, tilting her head back to make it easier for her eyes to swallow up the tears that had formed.

It felt good to joke around a little bit, to focus on something lighter. But then Towhee saw that Niamh took her comments seriously. The mercenary blinked, completely taken aback by this, a "whoa, what the fuck?" written all over her face even in the dark. Niamh knew her well enough that she hadn't even thought to toss in a disclaimer.

"Niamh," she said, her lightening mood suddenly sunk, "I—that was 100% a joke?" If she thought Niamh had known that, she was wrong. Her friend looked like she was about to cry. Towhee could only look on in perplexity, feeling like an asshole, even though that seemed extremely unfair. She only been kidding around, mostly for her own sake.

Niamh was now making self-deprecating comments and the mercenary's expression was turning toward horror as she realized she couldn't do this. She couldn't handle Niamh crying over her teasing, saying shit like, "It's not fair," not in this head space. "I'm sorry—I can't—I'm just gonna—" Towhee made a weird jerking motion and turned to go.

Niamh froze when all of a sudden, things veered in a completely different direction. 

She could still feel the sore spot in her chest, and she wanted more than anything for Towhee to know how much she cared- but she didn't know how to show it the right way. Towhee made to leave but hurriedly, Niamh struck out a leg to catch Towhee's line of sight, and gestured furiously for another chance. -Sorry, sorry, sorry- She waved frantically, edging herself into Towhee's line of vision, albeit sheepishly. -I just....I dunno how to talk about this.- She confessed, and shrugged. -And when you asked about Phox, right away...- She signed, and shrugged. -I just...Want to know....If you think it's OK.-

But Niamh stopped her before she could beat a hasty retreat, probably toward the river as originally intended. Towhee permitted herself to be halted, giving her friend the benefit of acknowledgement, and felt her flight response lessening significantly when Niamh rushed to apologize. Towhee really wished she didn't feel the need for that. Why hadn't Niamh simply understood that her comments were entirely lighthearted?

"Dude, I literally just pointed out that us being sisters is more important than you being Phox's wife and baby mama. It was a joke," she felt the need to emphasize, "but the sentiment wasn't." She paused there, still really confused how Niamh could've taken any of those comments at face value. But then Towhee remembered her inability for higher thought processes during her own estrus and something clicked. Maybe Niamh just had lizard brain.

It didn't make this easier, though the perspective helped. "Look, I was making jokes because I don't feel like getting into the heavy shit right now. I'm—fuck, I'm heartbroken, Niamh. And I'd love to just hang out and keep it light. Because, I'm sorry, I do not have the bandwidth to deal with anyone else's crazy emotions right now."

Niamh was taken aback, but fortunately, kept her trap shut and didn't try to defend herself. This wasn't her story, and she needed to back down and away from the pedestal that she'd placed herself on, and get rid of the self pity...And just the pity in general, as Towhee confessed that she wasn't capapble of handling the tough stuff. Niamh wanted to pout- given the fact she'd basically confessed that she'd rather be related to Towhee than Phox, no matter how much she actually did care about Phox already- but she didn't want to hear that. So she had to put those hurt feelings on the backburner, even though she didn't like the fact that she wasn't allowed to feel hurt too. She'd just have to bury it for now, because Towhee couldn't handle her feelings too. She swallowed hard. 

-Well- She said, and shrugged, somewhat stiffly. It was the only thing she could think of. -Apparently Bronco tried to explain sex to Nellie.-

To her credit, Niamh made an effort to humor Towhee, though even as she tried to switch gears to a lighter topic, it all fell flat for her. Whatever magical moment had allowed her to crack a joke despite her heartache had come and gone, just like that. She fought back a sigh, wishing she could just drop this entire conversation and go to the river to be alone.

But though she couldn't really handle Niamh's inexplicable emotional outbursts, Towhee didn't want to just shrug off her friend or her attempt and disappear into the dark forest. She sucked in a deep breath and held it in her chest for a moment, then released it, wishing she could simply exhale all her negative emotions just as easily.

She forced the corner of her mouth upward into a tiny smile. "Oh yeah? How'd that go? I guess it's better to learn from your brother than learn by watching your mom get it on..." Towhee mused, hoping the conversation would feel less forced after some back-and-forth.

-Yeah, but....- Niamh said, and trailed off. It was easier to talk about something like this, especially when they both knew Bronco as well as they did. Bronco idolized Towhee, even though he'd probably never admitted such to her, nor would he have said as much to Towhee either. But it was easy to see, whenever he told her stories about training with Towhee, how much he enjoyed her company. -Thing is,- She said, and she sighed; some of the tension left her body. 

-The kid ran off immediately after I had 'the talk' with him, an' honestly, he looked so terrified the whole time...I'm pretty sure, whatever he told Nellie...- She said, with a chuckle, and shook her head. -I'm thinking maybe this could be a new trade I develop. One where you just...Traumatize your kids with knowledge.-

Her friend's sighs made Towhee tense, anticipating bad news of some kind. But Niamh only expressed concern over the accuracy of her children's exchange on the topic. The snort that escaped her when Niamh used the word "traumatize" wasn't even forced.

"Ah, they'll figure it out," Towhee said, waving a paw, "and come around too. Nothing more enjoyably natural than a good fuck." Her thoughts inevitably turned toward her grown kids. Although she wouldn't want to witness either of them going at it any more than she would want them to see her take a pounding (or hear, in Fen's case), Towhee hoped they would get to experience that side of life one day, when they were old enough, and that they might also know the joy of mate-ship and children if that's what they wanted.

Her heart twinged, though in a bittersweet way, and then something dawned on her right then and there. Towhee's eyes suddenly went very wide and, ignoring any reply Niamh might've made to her crass remark, the mercenary suddenly grabbed her companion by the shoulders and said, "Holy shit, I might have grandkids one day...! Holy shit! Niamh!" Towhee shook her, smiling, really smiling, for the first time in days.

Towhee's reassurance wasn't needed- given that Niamh had been given at least a half-decent feeling about Nellie's comprehension of the subject when she'd finally talked to her- but appreciated nonetheless. She appreciated that Towhee didn't think was was a total screwup as a parent, and that her kids might not grow up to be total wrecks despite the rough hand they'd been given. -They'll be fine. I told her she'll get it eventually.- She said, in agreement. She hadn't gone into detail about how enjoyable it was- nor had she mentioned recreational sex, but insofar as reproducing was concerned, they'd figure it out when they got older. 

But Towhee's sudden, and glorious realization made Niamh smile. Towhee as a grandmother? Of course- Niamh didn't doubt it one bit, but the idea of it also made her beam. -Of course you will be! And what do you mean, 'one day'?- She asked. -Tow, you could be a grandmother by next year, eh?- She prodded, with a giddy smile. -Plus, finally Finley'll have a run for her money for the official title of 'hottest grandma in town' ow owwww!-

Her friend seemed to find her revelation humorous, sharing in her delight. Towhee shook her shoulders one more time before letting her go, still beaming. She liked all puppies (hence why her inability to have her own was so wrenching) and once she could process her pain, she knew she would be over the moon for her incoming nieces and nephews. But grandchildren?! Somehow, those were so much more magical. Her heart swelled, the revelation honestly shifting her worldview wildly.

And with this abruptly brightened outlook, Towhee decided she had the capacity to field Niamh's feelings after all. "What's not fair and why do you hate yourself...?" she questioned, pretty apropos of nothing and probably throwing Niamh for a loop even worse than her friend had done to her.

Niamh would've been happy to continue joking about grandchildren. At some point, she needed to realize that she too could be a grandmother by the next year- if Nellie or Bronco paired up with someone, but she wasn't quite ready to take on the title as gleefully as Towhee was. So it was all for the best that she was oblivious, as was generally the case with a wolf like Niamh. She handled things much better when she didn't know exactly how things worked. 

But when Towhee returned the subject to her and her feelings, she slicked her ears back, now ashamed that she'd even dared to go on about how she was feeling, while Towhee herself was the one suffering the consequences of something she'd done nothing to deserve. She shrugged. -I guess I just feel like I've done nothing to deserve to have a body that can have kids. An' I'm angry an' don't know why whatever happened, but you got a body that can't.- She said, while meanwhile, the thought "Or so Raven says" came to mind...As part of her still didn't buy into the thought that Towhee could not possibly have children. She disliked it so much that she stubbornly held onto hope, if for nothing else, than out of spite.  -It's not right. And I'm...Kinda mad about it.- She confessed. She shrugged. In all honesty, she wanted Towhee to have kids. Even if they were 'I didn't know I was pregnant' kids that came at the last minute, without showing any signs. 

-I dunno. I shouldn' be making things about me.- She said.  -But...You better tell your kids to name one of your grandkids after you. Towhee II, or Towtwo, or something like that.- She said.

Towhee's smile dimmed, her face becoming more thoughtful as Niamh spoke. At first, she felt a flare of indignation. How could her friend make Towhee's pain about herself somehow? She quickly discarded that thought as errant. The only reason Niamh felt angry was for Towhee. She was mad at the unfairness, on her friend's behalf. The mercenary really appreciated that, though she also wanted to tell Niamh she thought it was dumb.

Instead of saying that, Towhee took a more tactful approach. "Just... be grateful, Niamh." She said it softly but firmly. There were a lot of other things she could say, even wanted to say, but she left it at that for the moment. Her orange gaze bored into Niamh's for a long moment before she broke eye contact.

After taking another minute to gather her thoughts, she returned her attention to Niamh. "I'm grateful that you'll be having Phox's kids. Sure, it's complicated and I feel a lot of things. But I'm gonna have nieces and nephews this year and grandkids next year." Towhee wasn't going to stop marveling about that for a while, even if it was a long wait. "Let's focus on the positive."

Of course. She shouldn't have thought that hating her own reproductive system would have helped Towhee's, but it was hard not to. In Niamh's opinion, she had done enugh shitty things to enough wolves that she didn't deserve what nature just happened to give her...Meanwhile Towhee, who she cared deeply about, and who deserved it and who made an amazing mother, had been dealt a different hand. But it wasn't about who deserved what, it couldn't have been- and it wouldn't change things. If there'd been any way that Niamh could have given up her ability to conceive and carry children so that Towhee could, she would have- but that sentiment could only do so much, and it probably didn't do much at all, considering such an organ donation wasn't possible. So when Towhee told her to be grateful, she smiled, met her friend's gaze, and nodded. It made her sad that that was all she could do...But if that was what Towhee wanted, then that was something she would do. 

She wanted to focus, then, on still having her family grow- and continue to do so, and Niamh opened her mouth, but then shut it quickly. She wanted so dearly not to say anything else that might offend Towhee, or even ruffle her feathers- but she was still just learning how to navigate this situation. She'd held back from offering surrogacy before, as she'd felt that it would have been inappropriate, and about as effective as putting a band-aid on a broken leg. Now that she was happy to have children with Phox, as a family of their own, she didn't want to simply offer surrogacy, as she too wanted to be a part of the family. She shrugged one shoulder. -I'm...Gonna be counting on you, a lot, if that's cool,- She said, and cracked a small smile. -An' even if you're not, 'cool with it' I just...Kind of expect you to be a big part of their lives. You're a great Mom. The more of that they get, the better- She said. -And is Towtwo too much? 'Cause that's got me thinkin'...Ohhhhhh! What about Twotow? Awwwww!- She said, making a happy, pouty face. -Little Twotow, c'monnnnnnn?!- She begged.

"Yeah, of course," Towhee said with a gentle smile. She was happy to be welcomed this way by both her brother and his would-be wife, though it was still a little hard all at the same time. So many feelings. "You're really stuck on that Two Tow shit, aren't you?" she added in the next breath, huffing a wry laugh. She would've named her own kid that ridiculous name in a heartbeat if it meant she could have one, an intrusive thought which put a familiar lump in her throat.

Towhee breathed and force herself to push down those sad thoughts and focus on the good, just like she'd told Niamh. "I mean, animal names are kind of a theme in our family," she said, referring to her brother, "so why not go all the way and name it Two Toed Sloth?" She laughed a little, her gut feeling a bit hollow but her hurting heart warming to the topic.

Niamh shrugged. -Sort of,- She admitted, with a small grin. Twotow, or Towtwo would have been a cute name- and when Towhee suggested that they go a step further and bring in the actual name of a slow but adorable animal, she pricked her ears. -Awww, Sloth! I like that idea!- She said. She was never completely on the mark when it came to coming up with names, so it was fortunate that she was surrounded by others who had better taste than she. Of course, a child might end up resenting being given the name Sloth, but Niamh didn't care- she thought it was adorable. She'd also thought that 'Nag' would have been an adorable name too, though. Perhaps she wasn't the best reference when it came to choosing names. 

-An' you tend to go with bird names a lot too, right?- She asked, though she had the feeling they'd had this conversation before. -D'you have any other names stored up in your mindbank?- She asked.

Of course Niamh actually liked that name. Towhee gave her a fondly exasperated look and said, "Niamh, do not name your child Sloth." She shook her head and managed a quiet laugh, which fell silent at her friend's next few questions. Another thought intruded: if I did, I'd want to keep them for... Keep them for what? Her chest pinched.

"Ah, I might have a few good ones stashed away, but you'll have to earn 'em," Towhee quipped. She didn't mention how (she probably didn't know, having cooked this up in her head just this moment) but she said next, "Hey, I was going to walk to the river... wanna come with? Or will you be going back to boning my brother s'more soon?"

Niamh snorted when Towhee showed obvious dismay at her kindling a desire to name a child Sloth, and she took the advice with a grain of salt. She tilted her head back, sticking out her chin indignantly, as though to say I'll give my damn kids miserable names if I want to but obviously, Niamh was too proud of a creature to wind up naming her children things that might make her look worse. 

She was still somewhat raw and awkward about talking so...Directly about Phox, so she tried to dodge the comment about him, given the fact that she was talking to his sister, and simply nodded. "I can do both. Or just...Do that later...To the river it is," She said, somewhat flustered, but in the end, she laughed, knowing that this sort of conversation wasn't the sort of thing that would awkward Towhee out at all. But Niamh hadn't been in the same pack when Camilla had come along, so she hadn't been privy to their arrangements. She walked with Towhee, feeling a bit better about how things had ended up, but still very much aware of the fact that Towhee was in pain. Healing, but hurt.