Northstar Vale I need to spin my wheels

These past few days had been a blur.  As (surprisingly) reluctant as Fennec was to leave Mereo behind her for a while, she could use the time to sort through it.  Everything had happened so quickly.

The strangest part was she couldn't find a fault in any of it.  Germanicus wasn't in love with her but she'd still had the best span of days in recent memory.  Their expectations were known, their wants surprisingly compatible, and things were... good.

She didn't even really mind that Towhee had been right.  It just felt so nice to have a way forward again.

The travel went relatively smoothly. At one point she'd scented the blood of a semi-fresh kill, but investigating had turned up traces of wolverine alongside it.  She'd left it alone - it wasn't worth getting into a fight on unfamiliar ground out here.  Otherwise she didn't encounter much on the fairly smooth path to Epoch, and she walked it's twists and rises carefully.  By the time she arrived she was tired but content.  It was a good route.

It was late, past dark by the feel of things, so she passed the night sleeping fitfully nearby.  In the morning she approached Epoch's borders somewhat rested and ready to talk to her mom.  She just hoped it wasn't an unhappy surprise.

Fennec took a deep breath, then sent up a call requesting to speak to @Towhee.  Hopefully someone would either let her know or come along to escort her.

set for tomorrow morning! Feel free to have someone show or assume she'd ask to be led to meet her <3

Congrats on 1,500 posts!

Please let me know if you mind the following and I can edit. :)

She didn’t feel very hungry this morning, though Towhee dutifully picked at the kill Maxim had brought her. He and the kids had set off for the day, leaving her behind to continue the dreadfully boring business of healing. She figured that proper nutrition might hasten the process.

Towhee didn’t hear the howl, of course. By the time @Jack Snipe intercepted his elder sister and guided her to their mother, she had eaten all she could and shoved the rinds aside. She stood and walked outside to heed a call of nature, walking a little further from the cave than strictly necessary to make the most of the foray.

When she reluctantly made her way back, she found her youngest son and eldest daughter standing by the cave’s mouth. Towhee blinked in surprise, though she shuffled closer, shooting Jack a thankful smile before focusing her attention upon their visitor. Part of her wondered if Fennec was here to shout at her for her abrupt departure.

She didn’t ask. She didn’t say anything. Towhee just reached out and touched her nose to Fen’s cheek, always happy to see her.

Fennec was happy to follow her younger brother and to hear what he had to say along the way. He seemed enthusiastic enough about the abrupt move, and while normally Fennec would have had an offhand comment or two, she didn't this time. She'd been upset about it at the start, but if everyone was happy, what's the point?

Towhee approached silently but Fennec immediately recognized her steps. Hey. She said with a slight smile. I just wanted to see how it went. That and, I guess I have a little news. It could wait a moment.

Fennec didn't move in for a hug, mindful of Towhee's wounds. She hadn't pushed to be involved in treating them - Aquene and whoever was healer here seemed to have it handled. She'd all but decided to give up the trade in favor of other pursuits, so she waited patiently to hear Towhee's perspective on the changes and her recovery.

She knew Fennec would listen if Towhee wanted to vent about her own stupidity and how restless she felt being bound to this cave for a week. Her lips even parted, though they pressed together again when her daughter mentioned some news.

With her body so limited lately, her imagination tended to go a little wild. Towhee would’ve liked to say it was politeness that prompted her to press the matter. Well, at least her interest was genuine. But as her mind flipped through all the things that might’ve gone awry in Mereo since she left, she couldn’t wait.

You came all this way. You first, she tried to play it cool. What’s up?

Ah, shit. Fennec wasn't reluctant to share the news but she was a little nervous about the reaction. I married your best friend's ex wasn't all that much better than I banged your best friend's ex and surprise! She'd done both. She was keeping to the basics though - no need to give every detail.

Remember when you said I should think about getting married? Well, Germanicus offered, and I agreed. Fennec braced herself for a response.

It isn't love, or anything like that. But I trust him, and I think you were right. It's been nice. It was still embarrassing to admit that being alone wasn't something she stomached well. She hoped Towhee understood and was happy for her, even if she and Germanicus were only using each other in the end. Both were benefitting, so where was the harm?

Of course she remembered. Towhee was properly intrigued now, shifting her weight and trying to ignore the slew of speculative thoughts that scurried through her mind. It wasn’t hard, since Fennec barely left any hang time before finishing her thought.

For several seconds, Towhee thought it was some sort of joke or prank. She felt a laugh forming in the deepest pits of her belly. But long before it could make its way up her throat to her mouth, Fennec tacked on some disclaimers. The laugh died somewhere behind her epiglottis.

Towhee’s first thought wasn’t what the fuck?, it was WHEN the fuck??? She tried to do some quick math in her head, then shook it. She told herself it didn’t really matter, although that wasn’t entirely true. As much as she adored both of them, the timing—so soon after Rue’s departure—struck her as… something. She felt a flicker of distaste on her dear friend’s behalf.

But otherwise, did she have any qualms with it? Was it any of her business, regardless? They were both consenting adults. As Fennec said, it was a business arrangement. It could lead to more. Although considering their respective states of mind, it also had some potential to crash and burn in spectacular fashion. She didn’t worry about Fennec getting hurt so much as hurting Germanicus, which was kind of a funny take.

Towhee drew in a loud breath and finally spoke. Do you realize what this means? I don’t live in Mereo anymore, so he’s not my Imperator. I was going to start calling him by his name but, shit, sonny has a way better ring to it.

Towhee's thoughts and opinion meant a lot, maybe even more than she realized. Fennec felt a pretty significant amount of relief when her mom cracked a joke, knowing acceptance when she heard it. She smiled and even let out a quick laugh. It really does. She couldn't picture how he'd react to it but was fully on board. He could use a joke or two to lighten up a little of the leadership load, she thought, even just from the little she'd been around him.

I didn't think I'd ever do this again. I thought he was crazy at first. But I asked why things would be different with him and he actually answered. We talked things out. Fennec was still trying to wrap her head around how it felt to just be so openly on the same page. I know he's still in love with her. He basically told me as much. But right now, however long it lasts, it's nice not being alone.

The way Fennec talked about it reminded Towhee of herself, back before meeting Maxim. She was beginning to see a theme: marriages founded in decidedly practical pursuits fared better than those borne out of romance. Love could always spring up and grow later.

Towhee felt a thread of disquiet when Fennec admitted outright that Germanicus was still in love with Rue. It wasn’t a surprise; she’d only left a little while ago. But if there was potential for romance to blossom with his new wife, his attachment to his old one might choke it out before it even grew roots. She opted not to voice these thoughts out loud.

Instead, she said, ‘I didn’t think I’d ever do this again’ are famous last words in Mereo, and laughed, a bit to the detriment of her shredded back. I really hope you two can make it work. I’m sure you can, Towhee added, leaning into some optimism and blaming Epoch for that.

Glancing up at the backdrop of red leaves behind Fen, Towhee told her, I was just telling Maxim that the other day: I like doing life with him. I think I told you during our last conversation that the extra support is really nice.

It was especially handy when it came to rearing kids. Of course Towhee thought about what this meant: more grandchildren in the spring. And they would be as close as Killdeer. She wondered what he made of all this. She would love to bring up the subject of spring but Towhee would let Fen do that if she liked.

For now, I guess some congrats are in order. And please pass that along to sonny boy when you get back. But, she quickly added, stay a while? Tell me what else I’m missing out in Mereo. Like, how did everyone there react to the news?

Towhee patted the ground to invite Fen to sit, then remembered Jack had been hovering nearby and looked around for him. He’d slipped away at some point, likely returning to patrol the borders. Her lips curved into a smile at the thought as she carefully reclined on her haunches, facing Fennec.

It was funny really; despite how happy she was, Fennec had none of the optimism that Towhee expressed. She knew that one day, Ruenna would come back. She knew that when that happened, she would give Germanicus a choice, and after that she would be alone again.

The odd thing was that there wasn't any bitterness to the tired acceptance she had of this. He had been honest from the start and he was there now. She couldn't be mad at him for feeling the things for another she'd wished someone else felt for her. Ruenna was a lucky wolf and Fennec didn't understand how she'd left the way she did.

I asked you first, didn't I? She asked with an amused, slightly teasing expression. She did want to hear about things here, but she'd humor her mom first. She sat down and let herself relax with the more pressing news out of the way. No one knows, I don't think. You're the first one I've told. I don't mind. Anything I have in Mereo, I want to earn myself anyway. She didn't want respect only because she was Germanicus' mate.

I've started training again. And I told him he has a witch on call, if he ever wants to trade in less military skills. She laughed a bit again, under her breath. I don't think he knew what to think about it. He hadn't said no, which in her mind was almost as good as a yes.

She was among the first to know. Towhee preened a little, though mostly she wondered how everyone in Mereo might react to the union. She imagined Aquene’s head would spin. And what about Killer? Her mind stuck on him again. Would he think it was cool his mother had married the Imperator? Would he be weirded out by her choice? Did he like the idea of younger siblings?

It sounds like you’re finding your footing in Mereo, right in time for me to miss all of it, Towhee said with a light laugh. Although I like to think I’ll still be meddling in Mereo matters from here, once I’m able to move around more freely. I’ve been stuck in this cave since my unceremonious arrival, trying to give my back the best possible chance of healing… again. I’d offer to give you a tour but, Towhee sighed, yeah.

On the topic of resting places, Does this mean you’re living in the palazzo now? Towhee wondered.

She hoped so. She'd been so off-kilter for so long that it was hard to imagine the settled feeling sticking around, but she appreciated the glimpse at the future it gave her. It's probably hypocritical, but I have to say it. I really hope you learned from this one. Her mom had a history of hurting herself, then fucking it up further when she couldn't sit still and listen to the advice she was given. Fennec understood the impulse, though she maybe slid by with less criticism on it because she had to live life more carefully in general. I'm guessing you've got someone else to get on your case about it now. But I hope you do, bother Mereo still. I didn't want to be involved at first because I never figured I'd actually stay. Now I think I'd like to.

Their packs were close, though how Fennec didn't entirely understand yet. She'd only asked about Akashingo so far. If there was a relationship to build or things to do between the two, maybe they could work together to make it happen.

No. There's a den in the forest, set a bit away from everything. You know my style. Either Germanicus did too or he'd happened to simply choose extraordinarily well. She could have given him bonus points maybe by attributing the choice to him, but she implied instead she'd had a part in it. She didn't want to assume more than what it was. It reminds me of home. This place kind of does too. There were more trees here, and where they'd met now felt more similar to the Caldera than anywhere in Mereo. She could see why Towhee would have decided to stay. The scents, the feels, and the sounds recalled the Emberwood too. It was a pretty place.

They’d chosen to live elsewhere, which wasn’t actually that surprising. The palazzo belonged to Ruenna and her memories, it seemed. Surely someone would put it to good use at some point, though it made a lot of sense that the Imperator wouldn’t want it for himself any longer.

When you say ‘home,’ what do you mean? Towhee was curious. I like all the foliage. I hadn’t even realized how much I missed stuff like that. And the air feels fresher here. I haven’t had a chance to look around properly yet, though I’ve seen the vale from above and I know it’s basically an oasis.

She ached to join Maxim on his forays, discovering every inch of the place. It made frustration lick through her. Towhee felt like she had learned her lesson, once and for all, though only time would tell.

Places we grew up. The one we lived in before, and the Caldera. If the first territory had had a name, she didn't remember it. There's something about the smell of green, and dirt, that makes a place feel more alive. It was why she spent time in her gardens, and why she preferred to walk the small forested areas of Mereo. The stone and sand were still rougher than she was used to and while she didn't mind it, she doubted she'd ever love it the same way.

That's what makes the coast fun to visit, but terrible to stay near. The smells and sounds are all wrong. She took in a breath. Her mom was right about it being fresh too.

Obviously she wasn't looking to move, especially now. It was still hard to hide the slight longing she felt, sitting on soft grass and hearing the play of water nearby. At least Fennec had the meadows near the canyon to take advantage of.

Have you talked much about what you'll be doing here, then? Or are you waiting to find out when you can explore around more? Fennec had a hard time imagining her mom being content just sitting still, and she was curious to pull some details out on her setup here. Were they gunning for leadership in a place without the stricter rules Mereo had? And was that why they'd left?

Fennec’s mention of the coast made Towhee briefly wonder how Meerkat was doing lately. Maybe she should ask someone to deliver a message to her, let her know about her mom’s new address. Then again, if she came calling at Mereo, it wouldn’t be a big deal to shimmy over to Epoch instead.

As far as I can tell, you’re welcome to come hang anytime. I’m not sure it’s an open border policy, though Tamar, at least, seems very welcoming of anyone from Mereo. Did Fennec know about the bad blood between her husband and Tamar’s? This isn’t one of the main reasons for moving but your hubs and Arsenio are at odds and I’m hoping this will help with that, she explained, gesturing randomly.

As for what else she was doing here, Towhee brightly answered, I have two classes on the docket. I plan to do a Ptero 101 class one evening a week, then some merc training one morning a week. That one will have to wait a little bit but my first Ptero class is in a few days. I just hope there’s interest, she said with a slight twitch, thinking of her recent conversation with Leo.

Your hubs. Was it weird to find that weird? It was still hard for Fennec to conceptualize the fact that they were married. She didn't mind it, but going from zero to sixty was something she'd have to catch up on. Most of the time she still thought of Germanicus as a friends with benefits situation. She imagined the very notion of that would razz his fur pretty good, but husband was going to take some getting used to. She'd barely even thought of Bronco that way.

The way I took wasn't bad. I was worried with the mountains and all, but it isn't a hard trip. Maybe. Eventually Towhee would come to her, she was sure, but until then she didn't mind making a point to trek over every so often. And maybe this Arsenio would take less issue with her than Germanicus. The chances of that weren't great, but stranger things had happened! She could play nice when she wanted.

You know I'd be front row if I was here. Fennec said with a sincerity that didn't match the teasing look in her expression. She had always known about her mom's language but it was hard for her to conceptualize, and whenever they'd used it without speaking she'd been cut from the conversation. From the sound she knew it involved movement, but anything above and beyond that was a mystery to her.

Her youngest daughter had been a tough sell but not Fennec. Towhee snorted a laugh at her remark, though it cut off rather abruptly when a thought hit her upside the head. She pondered it for a beat before remembering to explain her abrupt silence.

Towhee wasn’t sure why she’d never done it before but she reached out a paw to grasp Fen by the foreleg, then lifted it slightly so that she was cradling it. Using her other paw, she began to tap.

I just had a brainwave, she explained, squiggling her toe in the shape of a wave before remembering Fennec wouldn’t recognize the visual even if she could feel the shape her mother made.

Towhee went still for a moment, releasing Fennec’s leg and admitting, The idea needs more work, with a laugh. But maybe if we came up with certain patterns, we could tap out meanings. Probably just crude stuff but…

It was a way to bridge the gap between their disabilities a bit more, not that they really needed help communicating. Sure, they’d had their pitfalls with that, just like any mother and daughter, but not because of lack of senses so much as lack of sense.

It took Fennec a moment to catch on to what Towhee was doing, and by the end she still wasn't entirely sure she got it. Her face was probably a comical mix of confusion and weirded-out acceptance as her mom puppeted her forepaws through a few awkward motions.

You sure that cougar didn't knock a few waves out of alignment? She asked, but smiled. It was nice that she tried, and if there was a way for her to learn, Fennec would snatch it in a heartbeat.

Maybe you could show me the most basic basic ones. I don't really get how it's different, but if it's easier for you, I don't mind trying. She didn't know how Towhee understood her now, just that she had to be directed at her mom to have a chance at being understood. The signs wouldn't change that for her, but if Towhee preferred them, she didn't mind trying.

That's cool, though. Really cool. I'm glad you like it here. Fennec took a beat, then a question popped into her head unexpectedly. Maybe it was the mention of the cougar that had her thinking back. Maybe it was just her place in Mereo, and how quickly Towhee had found her thing here.

Hey, mom? Did you think I made a good healer, in the Caldera? Honestly; I won't be mad. It just never really felt like, after Eljay, the pack saw me that way. Now I'm trying to figure out if it's something I should keep calling myself. It sounded pathetic the moment it left her mouth but there was no taking it back. Maybe she would get luckily and Towhee would have turned to scratch an itch or something. It was slowly dawning on Fennec, with an upsetting realization, how much her happiness depended on how well she was thought of in the things she did.

That was probably why gardening was the only thing she could do regardless. Plants had way fewer opinions to worry about.

I’ll work on it, Towhee said with a chuckle. Maybe I’ll come up with something by our next visit.

The conversation took a more serious turn the following moment, when Fennec asked her about her history as a healer. She mentioned a name Towhee hadn’t thought of in a while. She wondered how Eljay was doing these days but gently set that thought aside to focus on her daughter’s inquiry.

I’ve always thought of you as a competent healer, I think, Towhee said, although she’d now lived long enough that even recent memories sometimes had a tendency to blur in her mind. There’s always been some stiff competition, though, she said frankly, thinking now of Aquene.

Maybe that wasn’t what Fen wanted to hear, though maybe it was what she needed? Towhee looked closely at her face, though she didn’t read anything definitive there.

I guess ‘competition’ isn’t a good word to use, though. There can never been too many healers, can there? If it’s meaningful work for you, you should keep doing it, regardless. But if you’re not feeling called to it, that’s fine too. We can always change our minds. Or our careers. She paused, lips curling. Or our marriages. Hell, our entire lives…

She considered Towhee's words. There were parts of it Fennec had really liked. The moments when she'd felt competent, and like she helped someone, had been rewarding, but she wasn't sure the frustration most other times was worth it. I think that's my problem. There always seems to be someone else, and usually when I try, I wind up feeling more in the way than anything else. My process doesn't really fit with teamwork. That wasn't necessarily true, but she'd never had another medic (since Eljay) actually invite her to assist. Without a clear line of communication, staying out of the way felt like the most help she could give.

It's just something I've been thinking about. With the gardens and all. Maybe I'll just stick to being emergency backup for now. She was glad Towhee had been honest, but the answer was definitely one she'd expected. She'd never really been considered "fully fledged" in the way Raven, Eljay, and Aquene were.

Mereo could use her in other ways, so it didn't really matter anyway.

Towhee followed along as Fennec extrapolated. It sounded like she felt overshadowed by the more renowned medics wherever she went. When she mentioned she didn’t play particularly well with others, her mother fought a smirk before remembering Fen wouldn’t know about it.

Or you could consider specializing, Towhee pointed out after a moment’s reflection. Like, focus on becoming a midwife or some other niche that needs filling. I think I talked to Aquene about this after she became Matrona, actually. I told her to get with her civilians and figure out who can fill in what gaps. You could always talk to her about where your skills might get the most use in Mereo.

Towhee couldn’t help but wonder if Fennec would be open to that idea. She felt certain the two women could help one another, though Fen had just admitted she wasn’t much of a team player. And now there was her marriage with Germanicus to take into consideration. Ruenna’s departure really had kicked up a lot of dust; the politics over there were probably going to be very interesting until it settled.

Aquene seems pretty happy where she is. And doesn't seem very interested in the help. I told Germanicus and you what I could do when I joined. None of them seemed to care much about it. She'd been shown this pretty clearly on a number of occasions, at least by her estimation. Germanicus might be her husband now but that didn't mean he had any reason to respect her skill in this regard. Aquene had never so much as approached her.

Maybe there's no gaps. She certainly wasn't interested in specializing. Field medicine and herbalism were her areas of study, and from where she stood, midwifery would always come second. Childbirth was a natural process that usually didn't need a lot of help. Eljay hadn't had the opportunity to show her much about his specialty before he moved on.

It's Mereo, though. There's always a place for soldiers. And you know I don't mind a spar. She tipped a small smile. I'm a little out of practice but maybe, when you're healed up, I could come for a lesson. It had been an extremely long time!

The way Fennec talked about Aquene reminded Towhee of back in the spring, when the medicus had declared herself pregnant. She had been right, though at the time, Towhee hadn’t understood how she could be so damned certain. Whether it was confidence, experience or even a little bit of magic, Towhee could see how someone could get a sort of “mother knows best” impression from Aquene.

Maybe, she murmured, doubting that but knowing better than to press.

Anyway, Fen’s next comment effectively sidetracked her, prompting her to say, You could come to my weekend classes, if you want. But if you’d prefer one-on-one training, I can see about penciling you in. In lieu of a wink, Towhee clicked her tongue and threw a fond elbow at Fennec’s ribs.

Fennec could hear the doubt plainly in Towhee's tone but was glad she didn't push it. For her part, she felt more sure of it than ever, and she was glad she'd brought it up. There was no reason for her to throw herself into trying to get something when she wasn't even sure she wanted it in the first place. And there was no reason to try and prove herself to anyone when she knew her skills and strengths. They'd figure them out or they wouldn't.

Upgrade? And you made it sound like being married to Germanicus might get me the opposite here. She joked back, taking the unexpected bump easily. If it were anyone but Towhee it might have startled her but she was used to her mom's way of being. If you think you can, no way I'm turning it down. It'd probably be at least a few more weeks before Towhee should be sparring, even playfully, and Fennec wouldn't have trusted herself especially to avoid the areas she needed to. Just so long as it doesn't get in the way of your retirement.

Towhee could call it what she wanted, but Fennec figured she knew better. Having nothing to do was going to drive Towhee nuts before long.

Let the record show, Towhee rebutted with a loud, dry laugh, there’s a huge difference between retiring from Mereo and retirement.

She would have to speak to the leadership here about their policy on inter-pack mingling. Just because Arsenio and Germanicus were on the outs didn’t mean the packs weren’t on friendly terms, especially with the Redhawks here now. Or maybe it did and she would do what she’d told Germanicus she would and help them mend fences.

No matter how old and decrepit I get, I’ll always make myself available to my kids, Towhee said after a moment, not really speaking to Fennec so much as to the universe, but following up the words with a softer nudge, this time to her daughter's cheek.

You know I'll hold you to that. For today, though, I should probably head back. Fennec responded, returning the nudge with a quick embrace as best she could aim it. Especially if Germanicus was planning any extended trips without her - Mereo was about to get pretty lonely again. Killer scouted pretty frequently, and there was his dad to consider....

If Phox came here, they might see at least a bit of her. Hopefully they wouldn't get too sick of it.

I know the way but it takes a bit. Practice makes perfect - pretty soon I'll be sprinting the path and you'll be begging me to go back home. Fennec joked, stepping back. A threat and a promise.