Twisted Slough And heart to heart you'll win, if you survive

Fennec hadn't left that day intending to push boundaries, but she was distracted.  The situation with her brother was heavy on her mind, but she was miserably stubborn, so of course she hadn't talked it out with him.  That morning she took the same amount of care that she usually did to track her way out here... and then the rain started.  It was a torrential downpour, the worst kind, and it made everything so overbearingly loud.

Fennec stood miserably in the rain for a moment, then had a momentary flash of panic when she realized she didn't remember, now, which way was home.  The scent of the rain was overpowering and the electricity in the air made it hard for her to find her own trail.

She backed up and her hindquarters brushed against one of the rocks that gave the tarns it's name.  She immediately huddled up to it, but it gave her little by way of shelter.  This sucked and she had no clue what she should do next.

She couldn't say what kept taking her away from home lately. Towhee simply felt restless lately. It was a different sort of energy from just before and during her heat, yet persistent in its own way. She couldn't sit still, yet her mind wandered as much as her feet. For instance, she completely lost track of herself today until a sudden downpour washed away her daydreams, forcing Towhee to seek shelter in totally unfamiliar terrain.

Cursing under her breath, she ducked under the sparse cover of a tree's bare boughs and gave herself a little shake. She stared balefully at the freezing rain, then swept her surroundings curiously. She was pretty sure this was the slough and—"Fen?"

As soon as she spotted her, Towhee darted back out into the rainfall, hustling over toward where her daughter was pressed tightly beneath an overhang. There wasn't room for both of them, so Towhee braked to a stop and peered in at the blind girl as she said too loudly, "Hey, it's me!"

Hold on, was that...

Mom!? She asked, incredulous.  She tried to turn towards where Towhee was coming from, but the rain made it hard to tell until Towhee had pressed up against her.  Fennec felt her panic immediately die down, though instantly, a different fear took over.  Shame.

I.... She didn't really know how to explain why she was out or what she doing.  But she was tired suddenly of doing it alone, it wasn't working and if Towhee hadn't come she'd have been lost again.  So it was time to spill it.

I've been trying to get around, but then the rain started, and I forgot where I was...  She felt her breath hitch as that helpless feeling came back to her, the one she remembered all too well from before.

For reasons unknown even to her, Towhee didn't think to question why Fennec was also far from home. Then again, she probably didn't think about her daughter's handicap in quite the same way others might. She didn't see it as something that should hold her back (and would've bitten the 'nads off anyone who insisted otherwise).

But as with her deafness, she knew Fen's blindness came with, well, downsides. She watched Fen's lips carefully, picked up on the guilty look on her face even if she couldn't hear the tone. Naturally, Towhee couldn't quite relate to how the noise of rain might be disorienting. But she could certainly imagine and empathize. And she could understand how it might also compromise Fen's sense of smell.

"If it makes you feel any better, I was lost too," she replied, "although I think this is the slough, so home's that way." After speaking the words, she nudged Fen's muzzle toward the distant copse. Tucking herself closer beside Fen and mostly out of the rain, she clucked thoughtfully and added, "Man, I bet the rain fucks you up. I never really thought about it before."

Fennec was drenched, and it felt (and smelled) like Towhee was in the same boat.  She'd rarely been happier to hear anyone in her life, though, and despite her shame she was obviously relieved.  It showed in the grateful way she leaned into her adoptive mother as she pointed the direction home.

It's loud, she said, then lowered her head to let an icy rivulet run off of her nose.  The lack of scent was pretty bad too, but the noise was worse.  Mindful, she raised her head before continuing.  I was thinking about... other stuff.  So I got turned around.  She'd lost her heading the instant the rain overwhelmed her.  Were you following me?  she was too glad to even care if the answer was yes, but it was the only reason she could assume Towhee was here.

"It's loud," Fennec said and Towhee nodded as if she understood. Of course, she didn't, not really, although she had her own way of conceptualizing such things. She imagined it was a lot like when she was trying to keep up with a fast-paced conversation between several people at once. It made interpretation impossible, rendering Towhee's ability to comprehend obsolete. She misliked when that happened, just like she saw that Fen certainly wasn't a fan of the way the downpour muted her useful senses.

She met the yearling's question with a surprised look which, of course, Fen couldn't see. "No, I was actually doing the same as you: thinking about stuff. My feet wandered too." She paused and couldn't help but wonder, "What stuff? For you?"

Fennec was tempted to say 'you first', but with the rain and how miserable she was, suddenly the urge to spill it was too much.  Her voice took on a frustrated edge.  Fig.  Maybe venting to your mom about your brother wasnt the best way to go about things, but she needed to talk to someone, and she knew Towhee wouldn't judge her.  And she wasn't as cheerful as dad (no offense).

He doesn't get it.  He just kept saying that he wasn't going anywhere and everything was fine, but that isn't even the point!  I don't care if he wants to leave, or that I don't really want to live anywhere else.  I'm just sick of being scared to do anything by myself!  Her voice had risen a level over the course of her tirade, something Towhee wouldn't of course hear.  But it was clear from the way she spoke she was upset.

But then I keep getting lost, or attacked, and I don't know how to get better at this.  She shut her mouth, and lowered her head sullenly.  The last part she didn't say, but with the defeated set of her shoulders, Towhee could probably guess.  Maybe it was time to just stop trying.

Her eyes widened again. She hadn't expected that answer. Towhee stared shrewdly at Fen's lips as she explained. She didn't follow at first, though her daughter's words left her insides feeling cold. Did Fig want to leave? Towhee hadn't spent any quality time with him yet, giving him his space and enjoying his presence from a comfortable distance while she waited for him to seek her out. It was hard but keeping herself otherwise preoccupied helped a lot. In any case, it sounded like neither one of her children intended to leave, just that Fennec hated not having the option, being unable to do things on her own.

Towhee's insides gave another twist when Fen mentioned being attacked. "Even those of us with perfectly good eyes get lost from time to time. I have no doubt you'll always be able to figure it out," she replied lowly but with vehemence. "But who or what attacked you?"

Fennec wasn't normally a pessimist.  Before this past fall, she would have backed her mom's words one hundred percent and taken them completely to heart.  But I didn't figure it out last time, she argued.  Nothing has changed.  What if I don't?  And what if no one found me next time?  If there was a trick to always knowing her way home no matter what, she hadn't found it.  She couldn't memorize the wilds like she could the copse.

Wraen said it was a coyote, Fennec added.  I was fighting it and she helped.  Shw'd nearly taken a chunk out of the leader too, but she didn't mention that.

Towhee's lips drooped into a frown. How did she know so little about what was going on with her own daughter lately? Had all this occurred while she was off being a floozie? Oof. She put aside her own feelings for the moment, concentrating on Fen's question and how to answer it. She supposed it was better a coyote than a wolf. Towhee was glad Wraen had been there. Blind or not, it was always better to have numbers in a fight.

"Can you leave yourself a trail of some sort?" Towhee thought aloud. "You know, drink a lot of water before you set out..." It was kind of a goofy suggestion, admittedly, but she was serious. Then she peered out into the rainstorm and realized, "Guess that doesn't help much in conditions like these. I'll try to brainstorm other ideas, 'cause I want you to be as independent as you want to be. Side note: I still really want to kick Tegan's fuckin' ass," Towhee said, kind of apropos of nothing, but with this conversation playing out, she couldn't help but think of X's chick, raised to be a companion to Fennec.

Fennec wasn't entirely soothed, but she felt a little better knowing her mom would at least help her to think about it.  The wilds were a big place... and she had no way of even knowing the scope of it.  She'd mapped patches, but could only do so much.  Her landmarks were so much more immediate than anyone else's.... it was so rare that a place would have an audible tone to it.  Everything was touch and scent.

She'd keep thinking too, but this was it on the leaving until she'd solved it, she decided.  It wasn't worth risking getting lost again when random weather or distraction hit.

I have no idea who that is, she replied with a little bit of a smile.  Then she frowned.  What was your stuff you were thinking about?

"Your punk ass uncle," Towhee replied with acid in her voice, not that she could tell. "Do you remember X? Well, she had a chick. She brought him to us to be your companion when you were little and Tegan fuckin' killed him." Man, it still rankled, even after all this time. Maybe it actually made her even angrier because she was now privy to just how much difference Y could've made to her daughter. "Fuck you, Tegan, wherever you are," Towhee said cuttingly, although it hurt her too. They had been so close, once.

Fen distracted her with a question but before she responded, Towhee thought aloud, "Maybe we could find another companion for you? I have no idea how to go about that but, I mean..." She paused, peering thoughtfully at the frigid rainfall, lips quirking. "Can you imagine if we, like, trained a raccoon or something? But seriously, I wonder..." She trailed off as she went through a mental list of animals. Which ones were the best at navigating? "Maybe a mother fuckin' owl," she murmured.

Then she snapped back to her daughter's question. "Oh. You asked what I was thinking about." Towhee paused, deciding she would be honest with Fennec. She was old enough for her mother to share this with her and, anyway, the mercenary was kind of intrigued to know how her not-so-little girl would react. "You probably know that I was in heat recently. It wasn't the first time. Nothing ever came of my, ah, trysts last year. And probably nothing will this year. I'm pretty sure I'm barren." She took a breath. "But..." "Never say never," Finley said in her mind's eye.

As Fennec listened, surprisingly, she perked up.  Indignant anger had a habit of kicking whatever morose feeling you might have, and hearing that little gem of a history definitely did the trick.  Her ears stood up as she replied, I could've had a hawk? Are you shitting me? Towhee had told her about X and she remembered the bird a bit from before.  That would have been so cool, so yeah, fuck Tegan bigtime.

An owl would be so cool, she breathed, but then shut her mouth and let Towhee tell what was on her mind.

At first, Fennec didn't quite get it.  She knew what the season was and everything, but it took her a second to connect the dots.  Like, kids?  Dad was talking about that, for him.  She was quiet a second.  Did you want more?  There was no disappointment or worry to her; she thought it was fine if they had some brothers and sisters.  But if Towhee wanted more and couldn't, that kinda stunk.  But it also brought to mind her own thoughts recently on the whole thing.

She enjoyed Fennec's indignation, even though it fanned the flames of her ire so much. She gritted her teeth and glared out at the rain, hoping Tegan was alone and cold and hungry somewhere out there. She did feel a little ashamed of herself for thinking such bitter thoughts but he was solely responsible for compromising her daughter's quality of life. Seriously? Fuck that guy!

Towhee stopped clenching her teeth and let her attention linger on the topic at hand. Why was her heart beating so fast all of a sudden? Fen's question only made it skitter and skip even more. "Yeah," she breathed. "I never wanted kids, then you and your brother came along and your mom died and I..." Well, Fennec knew the story. "I've loved raising the two of you. And though it's, like, not ideal to get knocked up without a mate and all that, I would honestly shit myself if..." She licked her lips, found herself staring into her daughter's sightless eyes. "It's too early to tell one way or the other. I'm, I guess, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Or trying to."

She sucked in an overly loud breath after that, then questioned, "So what would you think of younger siblings anyway?" Whether they were hers or Phox's (and Niamh's), Towhee was genuinely curious what Fennec and Figment thought of the whole idea.

Gross, she said playfully, but she nudged Towhee as she did so.  Sappy, but Fennec loved her a lot, and she loved that she knew she was loved back.  Yuck, mush.

They seem cool.  If you want some then I hope you have a billion.  Just so long as I get to tell them what to do.  She was pretty impartial to it all, but both of her parents seemed to want it and she wanted them to be happy.  Besides, with Fig being a pain lately, maybe her next siblings would be cooler?

Nah, Figment was ok.  She should probably apologize to him at some point.  The rain, and some therapeutic talk with her mom, was cooling her off on it.

Towhee snorted at the nudge, returning it easily so the two jostled one another in the tight space. Fennec's take on possible siblings delighted her immensely, making her want to grab the slim yearling and hug her tightly. But she didn't want to startle her daughter, nor press her cold, wet body against Fen's without good reason. On that note, the rain didn't look as if it planned to let up anytime soon, so Towhee decided they should probably make a break for home.

"Absolutely!" she said to Fen's remark about telling her younger siblings what to do. "Now how about we get the hell out of dodge? I can lead you if you want or," Towhee said, thinking aloud, "you can try to find your own way home. I'd lurk in case you needed help, though I doubt you would."

Fennec was torn.  On one hand, if she backed down, she'd admit to herself and to Towhee that she couldn't do it. On the other, she couldn't recall the way home, and the pressure of her mom's presence made that twofold.  She was a little stuck.

She couldn't do it, though.  Towhee sounded too sure of her for Fennec to be willing to let her down.  Okay.  She could even hear the doubt in her own voice and gave a silent ugh to herself.  Then, she stood for a moment and just listened.

The rain was all she could hear at first.  It was less as it pounded the rocks, and as she felt the rough ground beneath her paws, she tried to think.  She'd run this much this way to get to the rock... she positioned herself.  And she'd turned.... a guess was the best she could make.  It was approximately the same that Towhee had turned her muzzle earlier, so she began walking.  This way.

It would be slower, with her leading.  The rain made the ground slick and hard to navigate as well.  But she'd do her best to get the both of them home.

She saw her daughter's face twitch but couldn't read much from her expression otherwise. Eventually, Fennec agreed to give it a whirl. Though she couldn't see it, Towhee grinned at her. She then made a point to bump the yearling's cheek encouragingly and whisper (or so she thought, although it was pretty damn sotto voce), "You got this."

She let Fennec take the lead, then stepped out into the downpour after her. She hissed loudly as the full brunt of it washed over her, just a degree or two above freezing. Shivering as her fur quickly became plastered to her leanly muscled frame, she resisted the impulse to move closer to Fen. Instead, she lingered a few yards behind her, reminding herself with every footstep to remain a ghost unless Fen went seriously wayward.

It was hard for her not to concentrate on the icy rain that quickly drenched her.  She tried to instead focus on the ground beneath her paws, and how each time she took a step it changed. The wind wasn't on her side today, so there was no real way to forwarn what was nearby.  But if she did focus on the pattern of the rain, she could tell when it was broken by something sizeable. Until she hit grass, and the rain was muted on all sides anyway.

Fortunately she knew home lay in a straight line, pretty much, and her only obstacle was the river.  On the way there she'd gone south, around it.  On the way back, she was angled to go right across it, though she didn't know that.

Trees!  She relaxed some as the welcome shelter covered her and the drops pattered the leaves above her head instead.  Then she began to walk slowly, carefully, around the trunks as she sensed herself brushing them.

They moved so slowly that it was a wonder Towhee didn't grow impatient. But this was her daughter. Besides, she was so caught up in observing Fen as she felt out her waterlogged world, she didn't pay much attention to their sluggish pace. Sure, she wanted to get out of the rain and relax in the comfort of her own home, but Towhee wouldn't want to miss this for the world. It was fascinating, watching Fennec navigate a world where everything was working against her.

It occurred to her that there was a stream up ahead. Towhee's lips pressed together. It was so tempting to call out a warning, especially since she didn't feel like going for an icy swim today. But then she decided she should give Fennec the chance to figure it out on her own. Surely she wouldn't just tumble into the water and drown (not on Towhee's watch). She would likely just course correct. There was always the possibility that Fen would want to simply ford it, especially what with the rain, but, well, the choice was in her hands.

The trees were familiar enough by being like home that Fennec relaxed some.  When she was moving slowly there was no real danger in them, and the roots that would trip her she simply felt and stepped over.  Despite her better judgement, she let her mind drift.... back to Figment and what she planned to do about things.

She noticed when the ground turned soggy and her spirits lifted.  Home!  She picked up her stride a little, but she was still sidetracked, a part of her mind not on the current.  So, while she heard the change in the rain ahead of her, she mistook the shift for just another terrain.  Instead, her paw hit air, and she flailed to catch herself. 

She'd hit a small bank that overlooked a river.  She wasn't going to recover, and in a moment she'd fall into the water.  With her heart pounding in her ears, she let out a startled sound. She had no clue how close or far her mom was.

Towhee wanted to say she felt totally confident in her daughter's ability to navigate even unfamiliar terrain. Her slow pace spoke to her caution. But as Fennec began to approach an embankment, the mother couldn't help but feel apprehensive. She told herself to give Fen space, even if it meant she would make a mistake, but eventually she gave in to her misgivings and prowled forward until she was only about two meters behind the yearling. Fen may not have come from her body, yet her maternal instincts were strong, and there was real danger here. Better to risk hurting Fen's pride than—

And just like that, Towhee realized she'd made a fortuitous choice by getting so close. Fennec made a misstep and began to fall forward. With a grunt, the mercenary darted forward in the hope of snatching the girl by the scruff before she actually fell. It would probably hurt her, though it was better than falling and possibly drowning!

Fennec's heart was in her throat as her paw dipped down, connecting with the river just as Towhee's teeth connected with her scruff. She let out a squeak that her mother wouldn't hear as her paws wheeled, one splashing the surface of the river, and scrabbled with her back to help stabilize.  In the end, though, Towhee would have to do a lot of the work pulling her back.

The grab had hurt, but the fall into the river was terrifying.  She'd never swam in a river before.... and the icy water had felt frigid on her foot.  Imagine being doused in it?

Fennec shuddered, suddenly all the more glad that Towhee was there.

Thank fuck, she managed to nab the girl before she went over the edge. Her neck muscles strained as she heaved Fennec back onto solid ground, dragging her another yard or so just to be safe. Towhee let go with a gasping breath, her pulse racing as adrenaline coursed through her bloodstream.

Her mouth opened to ask if Fen was okay, though at the last second, Towhee changed tack slightly. "You're okay," she said, a reassurance meant for both of them. She said nothing else for a moment, catching her breath.

When her panting subsided, Towhee voiced an idea even as it struck her. "This might be stupid," she began, "but have you ever considered carrying a stick or something and using it to feel out things in front of you as you walk along? Could've avoided a very near miss right there."

Fennec felt a buzzing in her ears and, honestly, a little light headed from the spike her heart rate took.  She took a few deep breaths to try and calm herself down, and listened as Towhee did the same.  That did the trick - listening to Towhee's breathing and hearing her reassurance.

A stick?  She frowned, trying to imagine holding something like that and walking.  I'd just run into things. She did that now anyway, sometimes, but she felt like with a stick it'd be worse.  The only real way to hold it would be out, yeah, and then what happened when she bumped into a tree?  A cheekful of stick.

She dropped her muzzle, forgetting for a second in her embarassment that Towhee needed to see.  I usually hear it.  Now that she was paying attention, she could faintly hear the water over the noise of the rain, but it was little wonder she'd missed it before.  Now she'd messed up and her confidence was even worse shaken than before.  I'll just follow you, she said, this time remembering to look up.  She was tired and, at this point, just wanted to be home.  A little disappointed in herself too, but she'd get over that.  She was used to setbacks.