Sun Mote Copse It’s been a long day without you, my friend.

She didn’t say much until they approached the edge of the copse. Towhee couldn’t put it off any longer. She let out a great, blustering sigh that would likely alert @Njord to an incoming declaration of some sort before she gestured him to a halt. Towhee moved to face him, gazing at a spot between her forepaws, before raising her head to look him in the eye.

I need to tell you something. I was going to tell you and Meerkat together but I want to tell you first, so you can help me figure out how to tell her, Towhee said, a sort of pleading look in her eye. And I’m sorry to start off on such a cryptic note, so I’ll just spit it out: I found Swordfish. He’s not just alive, he’s okay, at least physically. He told me to tell Meerkat he killed the bear for her. He called himself Shardik. I tried to get him to come back with me but…

This was the part she’d dreaded telling her daughter and son-in-law these past five days. Towhee drew in a big breath, then let it out slowly. She resisted the urge to break eye contact, her face softening into a look of apologetic remorse.

He wouldn’t come with me. I told him where to find us but, Njord, I’m not sure he's going to come. I’m really sorry.

Towhee reconvened with Njord past the lake and together they journeyed home. She was uncharacteristically quiet and so Njord picked up the conversational slack.

-“Ah wonder if he’ll join tha copse.”-

-“Do you think we should take tha kids on a fishing trip?”-

-“Did Ah tell ye about the snapping turtle Skinjack an’ I saw?”-

-“There’s a Juneberry growin’ in Seal’s Nook. We can gather berries this summer.”-

The one-sided small talk filled the void that Towhee’s reticence created.

-“Is everything okay?”- he finally asked when the Copse came into view.

Towhee loosed a long breath. A silent answer. Forever a therapist and advisor at heart, Njord settled in as if to listen to her woes and gave Towhee his undivided attention with a kindly expression.

-“Dinnae fash, we’ll figure it out,”- he assured Towhee when she admitted her worries about Meerkat.

Yet never in a million years could he have predicted the story that came to light.

Towhee minced no words and got down to brass tax. At first, the man’s face became gilded with astoundment.

“Swordfish?!” he exclaimed over Towhee’s words, not bothering to sign the name.

Njord’s blue eyes became wide as if to say, I knew it! My son is alive! Oh happy day!

He begged to ask the next question, where, where is he? But the words needn’t be said, for Towhee already had the answer. A beautiful fantasy of a happy, nuclear family was immediately snuffed out.

Killed a bear. Tried to get him to come. Wouldn’t come back.

Shardik.

To hear the name almost made Njord vomit.

The man looked confused at first as the information buffered. He blinked, too stunned to say anything. Then, he rolled back onto his haunches and sat down, exasperated.

“Wh…what?” was all he could muster, stupefied.

It was as if Pandora’s box had been opened and the lid couldn’t be closed. All at once, Njord felt the crushing weight of this revelation. Vivid memories of the day his family evacuated Dragoncrest Cliffs were recollected in Njord’s mind. The empty Roja’s den. Stingray’s hollering. Meerkat’s wails.

Where’s my son?
Where’s my son?
WHERE’S MY SON???

Even after death, the bear continued to claim his sons. The image of Sobo’s mutilated face made his heart skip a beat.

Njord's chest hurt. Was this what it felt like to have a heart attack?

The only reason he didn’t fold right then and there was the thought of Meerkat. Of Stingray. Njord was positive his wife would be completely devastated… and, selfishly, Njord almost wished he hadn’t been told. Blithe ignorance would have been a simpler fate than having to face the mother of his children with the news that their long-lost son lived, but couldn't be saved.

Njord’s mouth felt like it was full of sand. “W-why wouldn’t he come? Did he say?” he managed after a long pause.

Njord asked the same question Towhee kept asking herself: WHY?!

He said he couldn’t, because he was helping someone. I thought it was a little wild that he wouldn’t want to drop everything and be reunited with his family but kudos on the noble gesture, I guess. I offered to help him help this guy. He kept resisting everything I said. He told me I wasn’t invited and ran off. I caught up to him, though, and tried to understand his reluctance…

I didn’t want to come back here without him, Njord, Towhee continued. I knew it’d kill Meerkat. I told him that. He seemed to want me to keep our chance encounter to myself, let you guys live happily ever after without him. He kept talking about the bear, calling himself Shardik. I tried telling him how much you guys love and miss him but…

She paused, weighing her next words. Her face contorted a little as Towhee recollected the details of that dark encounter and tried to suss out the inferences she could make from his behavior.

Something isn’t right with him. I mean, he was so young when he disappeared. He’s lived more life away from his family than he ever spent with you guys. It’s the horrible truth but… he was cold, Njord, like a stranger who didn’t want anything to do with us. At the same time, he kept checking that you guys were okay. I don’t really know what to think. I’m sorry.

And now, with that information, she hoped Njord would help her decide just how to break this news to his poor wife, without breaking her.

Towhee explained, but the sick feeling in Njord’s gut worsened with each bullet point. When his mother-in-law drew her conclusion, the cold truth about Swordfish’s change in demeanor, Njord couldn’t help but reflect and ask am I still being punished for my transgressions?

His composure began to spall as he took this news personally. Njord drew a shakey breath and coughed back a sob. -“Ah… need a minute,”- he sputtered and turned away from Towhee as if to hide the shameful emotions that ricocheted through his spirit and across his face.

The man did his best to collect himself. To act as the foundation his wife and family would surely need when the news was broken. Yet inside he felt like a house made of sticks. How could Njord possibly renew his vows to Meerkat knowing he had so hopelessly failed their son? Should he go after Swordfish? Chase him down? Confront his grown child who was now a stranger? Shouldn’t he at least try?

Njord became angry all over again as he thought about Sapphique, its Roja, its bears, and all the needless deaths.

No… he had to think about those who were here. Chose to be here. Meerkat. Stingray. Fennec. Towhee Jr. Nyssa. Their new, wee bairns.

The Laired turned back to Towhee and swallowed hard. Then, he nodded and whet his dry lips. -“It's going tae crush Meerkat,”- Njord agreed quietly as his voice hitched with emotion. His wife was strong. Stronger than any wolf he had met before, but Njord doubted her fortitude when their child was both so close and so very far.

-“And @Stingray...”- Njord added. Atlan, what would Swordfish's brother think? -“They might run off tae look. Tae try an’ bring him home. But I dinnae wish tae see see my family break apart. Not again.

But... there willnae be a way tae temper their reactions,"- Njord continued, defeated. -"We should ask @Nyssa tae watch Otter an’ Skipjack. Maybe call Seal an @Sialuk tae visit for a while."- Was there no better medicine than family? They would need all the support they could get to control of whatever fallout might happen.

He asked for a moment, turning from her. Towhee exhaled, debating whether to reach out and rest a paw on his shoulder in solidarity. Right when she was about to do it, Njord collected himself and faced her.

I tried so hard to convince him, and all my efforts did was just push him further away. I know it’s difficult to accept but take my word for it: we shouldn’t try to find him. We have to do our best to impress that on them, Towhee said resignedly.

There was always the chance she was wrong. Maybe Swordfish would think about what she’d told him and have a change of heart. Maybe he’d show up after all. But Towhee knew they ought to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Do you want to tell her? Or do you want me to tell her?

They could do it together, though Towhee waited to see what Njord thought.

Njord made a macabre, comical sound with a shrug of his shoulders as if to say easier said than done. Perhaps Meerkat wouldn’t look, but Njord was sure if Ray caught wind his brother was nearby that he would be gone in a flash. After all, it’s what younger Njord would have done if he were in his son’s shoes.

Do you want to tell her? Or do you want me to tell her?

Njord wished he didn’t feel fear.

-“Ah’ll tell her,”- he replied. Because, well… that’s just what a devoted partner did. The alternative was unimaginable to Njord, however much he loathed to see his wife despair.

-“Dinnae go far, though, hmm?”- he asked, wanting Towhee’s support.

Meerkat took @Otter and Skipjack to Ray’s Beach today. When the bairns grew tired of swimming, she watched them play in the fertile soils in between the two forks of the river. Somewhere in between their shouts, she heard voices near the border, turning to see Njord and Towhee returning home together. Her expression lit up at the sight of her mother, who’d been gone for days.

Kids, come on. Da is back and grandma’s with him, Meerkat called, motioning for the pups to join her.

With Skip beside her and Otter trotting at his other flank, they caught up to the pair just in time for Meerkat to catch her husband’s words: -“Ah’ll tell her.”- She blinked as she drew closer, eyes bouncing between Njord’s and Towhee’s faces. Something in her stomach clenched at their expressions.

Go with your grandma now, Meerkat said after exchanging a glance with her mother.

They didn’t need to be told twice. The little ones stuck to Towhee like glue as she led them into the copse’s interior. Meerkat barely glanced after them, her whisky gaze instead riveted on her husband’s face. She sipped in a breath.

What is it? What do you have to tell me?

There was no moment for Njord to collect himself – no time to put on a brave face for his wife. Meerkat intercepted them and Towhee was whisked away to shepherd Otter and Skipjack elsewhere. He hoped his young children hadn’t noticed the stricken, solemn expression of their Da.

“You’ll be wantin’ tae sit down,” Njord promised her. He waited until any wolf was out of earshot and moved closer, face to face, to be with Meerkat.

“Mo chride, Towhee found our son. She found Swordfish… he’s alive.” Njord barely let a breath pass before he continued. “But he wouldnae come home to us… no matter how hard she tried.” His tone was hollow. Fatigued. “He didnae even wish tae call himself Swordfish anymore… he went by….”

Njord couldn't even utter the name. “She said he was like… a stranger. The more Towhee pressed the harder Fish turned away.” Njord continued on and parlayed what Meerkat's mother had told him.

Njord felt his composure begin to dissolve, once again. He tried to salvage what little optimism was left. "But he's alive, Meerkat... he made it out..."

But was he really living if Shardik had possessed his spirit?

He urged her to take a seat. Meerkat glanced after her mother’s retreating figure, suddenly afraid she’d suffered another illness or injury. But she’d seemed fine. Meerkat’s eyes tracked back to Njord’s face and she did as he was told, swallowing thickly and trying to ignore her racing heart.

Her mouth went dry at his first few words. She feared the worst, though Njord quickly tacked on a critical detail: Swordfish was alive. She couldn’t help the way her heart leaped, despite the stricken look on his face. Not even his subsequent words could completely tarnish the golden warmth in her chest.

Fish is alive, she repeated, unable to help the joyful way she said it. He may not have recognized her, since they only met a few times when he was very young, Meerkat reasoned. It’s been—how long has it been, mo chride? Of course he’s a stranger. He disappeared when he was a hurt child, now he must be a man. Did she say where she found him?

Of course there was part of her that wanted to drop everything and rush to him. But Meerkat was stuck on one simple fact: Swordish was alive! He was out there somewhere, living his life. What that life looked like, she couldn’t say. And that hurt, more with every passing second, but she clung to the good new over the bad news with her whole heart.

Njord’s expectation to act as Meerkat’s rock was suddenly unnecessary. When his wife received the news she was clear-headed – elated to hear that their son was alive, no matter his estrangement from kin. It was enough to know he had survived the bear and his grievous injuries. It was enough to know there was air in his lungs and fresh blood in his heart.

It was enough.

Should have been enough.

Then why wasn’t it enough?

Njord felt the knife of guilt twist in his side. Why weren’t his eyes clear like Meerkat’s? Why were his first words to Towhee why wouldn’t he come?

If he were human, Njord would have sunken down until he laid his head in Meerkat’s lap with his arms wrapped around her waist. Meerkat reasoned Swordfish’s behavior. Objectively, it made sense.

But his heart ached.

Njord's mind began to spin up a story. It felt like history was repeating itself. Once upon a time, Sobo had disowned his father. Maybe, rightfully so. He wished for their relationship to be nothing more than that between two pack-mates. Njord never wanted to grieve a loss like that again. There was something surreal about standing beside your living, breathing son… but having him look at you, on his own accord, without an ounce of love. It was like standing beside a corpse. A once-was. An intrusive and selfish thought ran through Njord’s mind… that he’d rather be dead than experience antipathy from a son like that again.

He grit his teeth. “She didnae say,” Njord answered her. “I think for fear we’d go after ‘im.” Njord realized he had become reticent. “Ah’m sorry… I thought you’d be…” Destroyed. Like me. “Verrae upset.” Njord realized he needed Meerkat a lot more than she needed him right now. Maybe Towhee should’ve gone to Meerkat first, he thought morbidly.

“Towhee told me that Swordfish said he killed the bear for ye,” he added.

But not for Njord.

And so it kept hunting him and all his thoughts.

Meerkat glanced in the direction her mother had gone with the bairns. Her head slowly turned back toward Njord, though it paused halfway as she stared unseeingly at a spot on the ground. Towhee evidently didn’t want them to go looking for their son. Part of Meerkat wanted to go after him—desperately, even—but she’d learned her lesson about that long ago.

Her lips parted, prepared to ask whether Towhee had at least told Swordfish where to find them. Her husband’s apology distracted her. Meerkat’s whisky eyes finally lifted to his face. Njord explained that he’d expected her to be more upset. She wasn’t entirely sure what to say to that.

“Towhee told me that Swordfish said he killed the bear for ye.”

Now her mouth opened and closed. He had killed the bear? How was that possible? Her mouth fell open as her mind flew backward in time, to one of her last memories of her son. She’d sung the same song she’d sung to Njord on their wedding day, in fact the very song she’d hummed to him only days before.

She blinked and found her eyes blurring with tears. Had Fish been under the impression, back then, that he needed to avenge the bear? For her sake? Was that why they’d lost him? Meerkat’s forepaws came up to cover her horrified face. But he’s alive… her inner voice tried to reassure her in vain as a wretched scream tore out of her mouth.

Njord regretted the words as soon as he saw the change in Meerkat’s face. His mind began to fill with the what-ifs that plagued him so many seasons ago on the journey to Moonspear. What if Njord had joined Sapphique to slay the bear? Would they have killed it? Would the nightmare have ended? If he had died... at least his family would’ve had closure… instead of…. this.

“Shhh, mo leannan, shhh,” Njord murmured as he pressed his forehead against his wife’s to comfort her. If he had hands, they would have rubbed her shoulders. Both mother and father were caught in a depressive spiral, and so Njord held to Meerkat for dear life like a buoy.

She wasn’t entirely sure why she was screaming. When her first lungful of breath ran out, she sucked in another and wailed three barely comprehensible words. Njord would surely recognize them, an echo of the past.

He gently shushed her, Meerkat’s third breath lowering into a sobbing moan before subsiding altogether. She clutched at her husband, burying her face somewhere between his neck and chest. Her tears wet his fur.

Now Njord’s words replayed in her head: “He didnae even wish tae call himself Swordfish anymore… she said he was like… a stranger…” And then her own voice repeated, “Of course he’s a stranger. He disappeared when he was a hurt child, now he must be a man.”

The Swordfish they’d lost that day was gone forever, Meerkat slowly realized. She was still glad to hear he was alive, though she mourned his loss anew. She hid her face against Njord again as the old wounds reopened, and wept.