Sun Mote Copse How can we live in charcoal towns?

When Towhee returned home after a very brief and impromptu visit to the Frosthawks, she sorely wished @Phox was there. She knew he was off on his sabbatical, hopefully clearing his head after the fallout with Niamh, so her thoughts turned to @Figment and @Fennec instead. She felt her throat well up with emotion as she realized she desperately wanted to see her kids. She bustled toward the rendezvous site, trying to ignore the painful stitch in her chest.

It had been wonderful to see Raven again. But the visit had been overshadowed by Sugar's recent disappearance and then, well... then Towhee had tempted fate. She'd asked her older sister—seasoned medic, mother twice over and even a veteran of a false pregnancy—to give her a full physical examination to look for any signs of pregnancy.

Now her chest felt like it was burning, forcing Towhee to stop. She took steadying breaths as she closed her eyes and leaned against a nearby pine tree. She didn't notice the sticky sap that clung to her fur as she relived that moment when Rave had completed her thorough checkup, caught Towhee's eye and simply shook her head.

Okay, what the fuck had happened? Her concussion wasn't helping her understand all the weirdness going on; mom was in a bad mood, Phox was gone to who knows where and now Towhee was having a breakdown. Were they not explaining it to her because they still thought she was a child? Sure, she acted like a brat, but she was quite a lot more mature on the inside.

When she saw Towhee, she wasn't sure what to do. She looked around hoping to spot Fig or his sister, but at the moment she couldn't see them - and she couldn't leave Towhee all alone either. Her brows raised in concern and she slowly made her way over to her. Hey - everthin' alright? She knew the answer to her own question, but wasn't close enough to Towhee to come up with anything else.

-"There's no signs of pregnancy whatsoever,"- Raven had eventually said and signed. Maybe she'd thought that's what Towhee had wanted to hear; she hadn't known about her younger sister's hopes and dreams. Towhee hadn't been able to bear the uncertainty in the medic's face and had simply thanked her and left soon after. Fortunately, they'd done much of their catching up prior to the exam.

A young voice broke into Towhee's flashback, scattering her thoughts. She opened her eyes and beheld Nellie, the source of so much strife between her brother and friend. But the mercenary couldn't muster up any feelings about her or that entire issue, not with her hopes for motherhood snuffed out for good, the fatal blow so fresh that the smoke still lingered, burning in her breast and making it impossible to breathe.

She didn't even realize she was on the verge of passing out until her chin suddenly dropped to her chest and she lurched forward. Luckily, Towhee actually caught herself and snapped out of it in part, striking out a foreleg to break her fall. She sank down more slowly after that, her entire right flank rubbing down the pine bark, which bit at her skin and left clods of sap stuck in her fur. She leaned heavily against the base of the tree.

"No," she finally answered Nellie's inquiry. "Could you please call for Fig and Fen?"

She really didn't look well. Nellie wasn't a medic nor a counselor, so a great help she couldn't have become even if Towhee had let her. She took it slightly personal that she wasn't good enough to talk with, but adhered to the woman's wishes despite this. Fig, Fen — and a medic. She stated - it almost looked like the poor woman was having a heart attack and she wasn't gonna let her die on her watch.

She went off to find Fig and Fen then, after releasing a howl for them both and also @Eljay for good measure.

 

The thought of having someone else intrude on her grief made Towhee's eyes raise slowly, their orange depths blistering with pain. "No, I—" she began, though Nellie was already turning away to fetch her kids and probably Eljay, which made her chest tighten even further. "I don't need a medic," she snapped more gruffly than she meant, very much a wounded animal, if only in an emotional sense.

She sagged after that, just willing her son and daughter to appear. If Eljay came too, she would simply tell him to go. She didn't want anyone but Fig and Fen and Towhee absolutely couldn't stomach the idea of the pack's resident Debbie Downer right now. This misery did not want that kind of company.

As usual, Figment was on border patrol when he heard Nellie calling for him. He paused to listen. Concern began to trickle and then flood his veins when the call ended with a request for Eljay. He didn't know the eldest Blackthorn well, but he knew what job the man held. Whatever this was, it wasn't good. He took a steadying breath to calm himself and gather control of his emotions before he took off at a swift canter, heading in the direction Nellie had called from.

When he arrived (rather quickly, I might add), he wasn't entirely certain how to take the scene laid out before him. There was no blood, no bruises, no trouble that he could see. But still, he could tell that something was amiss. One look at Towhee was enough to tell him that. "Mom?" he said quietly, brushing alongside Nellie's flank as a thank you before stepping up to her. All awkwardness and anxiety about what had happened at the Strath was gone from him as he reached out to nuzzle her cheek. There was only love and concern left. 

-"What's wrong?"- 

It was a weird group to get summoned.  Fennec's ears twisted when an unfamiliar voice called for her, then Fig, then Eljay in rapid succession.  She wasn't far, keeping with her resolution to remain.  But it would take a while to get there.

She was glad she'd mended things somewhat with her brother, but there was a time he'd have been there to help her find them almost instantly.  Weird that she had that thought, a little morosely, though she supposed it was her own fault he wasn't.  Whatever.

She heard the group easily enough when she got close anyway, and slowly picked her way around and into the scene.  What's going on? she asked, a little worried, a lot curious.

Eljay was lounging near Weejay's garden as he thought about how beautiful it would be when spring came around and everything would start to grow again. Ears perked up when he heard the call for Fennec and Fig and then himself. It sounded rather urgent and so Eljay called back to inform he was on his way and started making his way there without much thought. He wondered if anything happened to Towhee, since it was Fennec and Fig that were being called, but he hoped it wasn't anything bad. Maybe she'd gotten into a scrape and had a few shallow wounds? He hoped it was something small like that.

When he arrived he saw Towhee sagged against a tree, with Fennec and Fig already present as well. What happened? he asked, unaware that he was reiterating Fennec in the process, while he worriedly looked at Towhee and searched to see if she had any wounds he could see.

In her mind, She was convinced Towhee needed a medic but didn't want one - that's why, despite her wishes, she called for Eljay anyway. She was trying her best to help, but maybe not in all the right ways. The first to answer her call was the cute Fig, but there was no place for playful banter in this particular situation. She nodded at him, heart barely fluttering as he walked past and against her to Towhee. Nellie distanced herself a little, but couldn't help but to eavesdrop on their conversations.

Then came the blind Fennec, but Nellie wasn't sure if she needed assistance. She kept her mouth shut and ultimately did nothing as Fennec asked what exactly was going on - now that was a good question, and one the blonde girl couldn't answer. At last, the medic she'd called came around and asked another one of those good questions. Nellie didn't know if she should answer with a short "Idunnkno" or just keep quiet - she chose the latter in the end, waiting for Towhee to shine a light on the situation.

In under five minutes, four wolves surrounded her. Towhee thought about telling Eljay and Nellie to beat it, though every ounce of her attention remained on her son and daughter, completely ignoring the other two in the background. When Fig came to her, face brimming with concern as he reached out to her, Towhee slung out a foreleg to tug him to her. When Fennec bumbled onto the scene, she coaxed the girl closer with a choked, "Here."

She could see the confusion on the blind girl's face, plus the anxiousness on Fig's. "I'm not hurt," she said to them. "I'm upset." She pressed her nose to Fen's cheek, remembering how they'd talked about this. But it would be news to Fig. Towhee sucked in a hitched breath and explained, "I went to see Rave at Frosthawks and she—I—I can't—" She needed to pause and steady herself with another breath. "I found out I can't have kids of my own." Saying the words crushed her, though she tried not to lose control of herself. Her face crumpled as she tried to bury it between the two of them, clinging to them.

Fig glanced around as the others gathered--Fennec and then Eljay. They both appeared as puzzled as he was, but he turned away from them as he was suddenly nabbed and pulled close to Towhee. He went willingly, though he did find her sudden embrace rather alarming. He looked again at Fenn to center himself and to measure his own reactions against. She was visibly concerned and so he knew he was within his own right to be feeling the same. He sucked in a breath and nuzzled against his mother, setting his uncertainty aside.

Her revelation was... Well, he didn't really understand. The words were easy enough to follow, of course. Towhee couldn't bear children. He got that. What he didn't fully get was the gravity of what that fact meant to her. Not at first, anyway. Fig was seeking the answer to her pain in a physical ailment still. He was trying to make sure that he wasn't in any danger of losing her. It took him some time to understand that he wouldn't--that she was safe in that she wasn't about to bleed out or anything like that. It was her heart that wasn't safe, and that realization eventually brought a soft whine to his throat.

Once again, Fig looked at his sister. What was he supposed to say? It was going to be okay? She didn't need more kids? That he and Fenn were all the children she'd ever need? He didn't know these things. He was unequipped to handle something like this. He didn't even know how important it was to have your own kids--he'd certainly never considered having any. His frown deepened as he tucked his crown against the side of her neck, shut his eyes and softly offered the only thing that came to his mind, uncertain if it would make any difference or not, "I'm here."

Fennec did not expect to be pulled into a hug as soon as she got close, not with Eljay and soneone else there.  It restricted her movement and kind of freaked her out, but the fact that it was Towhee made her just kinda freeze instead of pulling away immediately.  She didn't mind when she was ready for it, but nervous and not ready for it, it just made everything ten times worse.

They'd talked about this before, and Fennec didn't really know how to respond then either, though at least she'd been hopeful then.  She probably didn't look like she had much reaction to the news, but that was because she was thinking.  Fig responded with the fact that he was here, which almost made her laugh because duh.  But now wasn't the time.

Oh.  She didn't care for her own sake.  Towhee and Phox both talked about kids like they were everything, especially Towhee that last conversation, but Fennec didn't mind either way.  Nothing changing was good too.  She just wanted them to be happy, but her mom sounded devastated to not be able.  How can she even tell that?  Was it still too early, like she said before?

Eljay saw nothing visibly wrong with Towhee, much to his great relief. However, something was clearly bothering her. While he was still scanning for wounds or oddities on her body, Towhee already filled in the blanks in that she wasn't physically hurt at all. Eljay breathed a sigh of relief that might be audible to the attentive listener, while Towhee explained the rest of it all. His frown returned when she mentioned going to see Raven and hearing that she was not able to have children.

The children seemed fairly cool with this news, or at least didn't seem to share the grief that Towhee did. But Eljay understood; he would feel bad if he would find out he was not able to have children, too. I'm sorry, he said, frowning.

But there was an interest from the depths of his midwifery there too, and it was piqued when Fennec asked how even she could tell such a thing. Eljay looked at Towhee inquisitively as it might help his own work along to learn of such a thing, though he stayed on the back burner with Nellie as he didn't want to intrude.

Ah shit - it hadn't been a medical emergency... Well, that made her feel dumb(er), and a little sad because she'd been the one to mess it up. Omg... Maybe she was the dummy of the pack - maybe that is what Wraen really thought of her when they'd spoken days ago. She couldn't become an advisor if she was a big ass dummy, now could she? It wasn't her day today, but had any day really been hers thus far?

She stood awkwardly outside of the huddled group, ears lowering and eyes averting. Now probably wasn't a good time to apologize for her fuck-up(s), so she bit her lip and shut up.

Towhee didn't hear Figment's heartfelt, "I'm here," or Eljay's equally sincere, "I'm sorry." She didn't know anyone was speaking at all until her current position allowed her to feel the brush of Fen's mouth and the telltale vibration of her throat. The mercenary leaned back just in time to catch her daughter's question. She looked into Fennec's sightless eyes, then caught Fig's for a moment before drawing back even more to look into both their faces. She continued to ignore the two others still lurking in the background.

"If I was pregnant, I would be showing symptoms by now. Based on the timeline, Rave could tell that I wasn't carrying. This happened last year: I..." Towhee paused, wondering if this was too much information for her kids. But this was a serious matter of her heart, so she swallowed and finished her sentence. "...bred, or tried to, but nothing came of it. Same goes for this year." A lump lodged in her throat then and she couldn't continue, which was probably for the best. Perhaps Fig and Fen would have other questions and she would do her best to answer them.

Fig didn't notice the look on his sister's face that would've otherwise alerted him to the fact that she'd thought what he'd said was stupid. He hadn't needed the look to make him aware of that, though. He already felt stupid for saying it because it obviously wasn't of any use to anyone. It didn't solve the problem at hand.

Fortunately, Fenn was there to say something less stupid. It was a good question, though Fig would never have thought to ask it. He tended to accept things at face value. If Towhee said she couldn't carry children, then she probably couldn't carry children. He didn't need to know why or even how she knew. He could see how it affected her.

Still, he listened as she explained, frowning sadly. Once again, he didn't know what to say. This time, he didn't attempt to say anything, merely reached out to nuzzle her chin with a soft whine.

All Fennec was hearing was that Raven didn't know.  That just means you aren't now, she stated matter of factly.  It doesn't mean you can't.

Her emotional sensitivity outside of herself was a little lacking.  She didn't understand Towhee's disappointment and wasn't used to seeing this side of her mom.

Eljay listened as Towhee explained that she wasn't pregnant now and that she had tried last year as well (with who, Eljay wondered, for both counts? Why didn't he know anything about this, being the pack's midwife?). He wanted to say something reassuring, but wasn't sure how to say or what to say. Fennec was the one who filled in those blanks; she said that it didn't mean that Towhee couldn't just because so far, she hadn't.

It was a tricky question to think whether Towhee would be able to -- Eljay honestly didn't know the answer himself -- but it sounded like Raven hadn't completely excluded the possibility. Did she see anything that indicated you won't ever be able to? Eljay asked carefully, realising that he wasn't directly a part of this conversation. He wanted to insert that he could help with anything midwife-related too, but decided to wait until the right moment.

Nellie's out!

Breeding - making babies - all that was still very unfamiliar to the uneducated girl. She stood awkwardly by, but ultimately decided this wasn't the place for her to be. She tried to catch Figment's eye for just a moment, somehow trying to telepathically tell him he could come seek her out if he needed to let out his emotions or anything else to her. She cared little for Towhee and how she was taking this all, mostly because she barely knew the woman, and gave a solemn nod to the wolves gathered around her.

With one last glance to mostly Fig, did Nellie take her leave, already thinking of a few things she could better spend her time on than eavesdropping on matters that really weren't any of her business. She had already fucked up enough by calling out for Eljay, and she was afraid that if she had opened her mouth again something stupid would've come out.

When Fig touched her chin, Towhee exhaled and leaned into the contact, her tongue darting out to press a thankful lick to the bridge of his snout. She turned and peppered Fen's brow with licks too, even as her daughter spoke words of optimism that Towhee actually caught. She guessed that was possible, just like she supposed she would never stop trying, although Towhee had officially lost all hope today.

"I'm just really glad you're here," Towhee said when she could manage words again, entirely oblivious to Eljay's attempt to assess the prognosis Raven hadn't even given, because the mercenary hadn't given her a proper chance to discuss the situation. "I'm really glad I have you guys, period," she murmured, taking another moment to press her nose to their cheeks, then her body against theirs, their physical warmth somehow soothing her emotional pain.

At long last, Towhee lifted back onto her feet with a long, shaky exhale. "Wish your dad was around," she muttered under her breath, feeling a little selfish even as she said it. But man, did she need him. "But I have you two, so I'll be all right," she added, favoring her grown kids with a soft smile and nudging them yet again. "Would you mind hanging out with me a bit longer, at the rendezvous site?" she asked, beginning to move slowly in that direction, giving Eljay an inscrutable look, surprised he was still there. Nellie was nowhere to be seen.

I think this'll be my last, if y'all wanna wrap up or just smush it into the archives!

Fig listened as both Fenn and Eljay commented on Towhee's ascertion. For his own part, he wasn't inclined to question or doubt her regardless of the fact that he thought they both had good points and good questions. He didn't see his mother suddenly sucking up her tears and proclaiming golly gee, you're right! Maybe that would come later when she had time to clear her head, but for now, she was upset, so he would comfort her.

He nodded without saying a word and followed.

Of course she was glad to have them. Fennec felt a little indignant as her mom didn't immediately cheer up, mainly because she wasn't sure what else she could do.  Obviously if Towhee had kids that would be awesome, but would it be so bad really if she didn't?  She didn't need more, not with her and Fig around.

Here was her first taste of that jealousy, a feeling she and Figment might talk about over the next few weeks as Towhee continued to mourn her chances.  She'd get over it and eventually chalk it up to an adult weirdness she couldn't understand, but for now, it settled in her as she followed Towhee silently and inscrutably.

Of course she'd be alright.

His question fell to deaf ears it seemed. Eljay had never thought Towhee to be one with a flair for the dramatic, but he tasted some of it here, now, where he was beginning to wonder if she really would never be able to have any, or if she just hadn't so far. He understood the woes of not being able to conceive, the frustration behind that, but he didn't want to exclude the possibility at all. Eljay figured he would just look up Towhee later and ask what precisely Raven had said; just so he knew what to prepare for, whether there'd be pups from Towhee this season. Eljay honestly wasn't sure who else he should expect them from this year, except for of course mom and dad.

The look Towhee gave him when she walked away, clearly inviting only the children, was clear enough. Eljay felt that it was a little ungrateful that she would just walk away like that when he had come to make sure she was alright, looking out for her health. He frowned at that. Nellie had already left and he hadn't even managed a good-bye before she took off.

Eljay was left standing there alone, feeling rejected and lonely, and not taken seriously in his midwife expertise at all.